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ok, i'll lighten up

Someone told me to lighten up today, so I guess I'll tell some jokes.

Mary Jane was walking through the forest, and a squirrel ran up her skirt. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew there weren't any nuts up there.

There's more inside, if you dare.

Mary Jane was walking down the street when a man pulled her into a dark alley and started ripping off all her clothes. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.

Mary Jane was playing on the swings one day, swinging higher and higher. Her mother came out and said, "Mary Jane, don't you swing to high, the boys will be able to see your underwear." But Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew she wasn't wearing any underwear.

Mary Jane was with her mom at the fabric store when she saw a sign "Felt 10 cents." Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew she could get felt for free.

Mary Jane was walking on the sea shore, and she saw a woman in the water yelling, "Help! Shark! Shark!" Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew that shark wasn't going to help her.

Mary Jane burnt down the barn one day, and her mother said "Mary Jane! You're in big trouble when your father gets home!" Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew her father was in that barn.

Mary Jane was crossing the street with her mother. As her mother stopped to pick up a quarter she was hit by a bus. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew it was only a nickel.

Mary Jane was walking down the street pushing a baby carriage when she came to a hill with a stop sign at the bottom. As she started down the hill the baby carriage got away from her and dangerously raced towards the intersection. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew the baby carriage wouldn't stop.

Comments

Why can't Helen Keller play golf?
Because she's dead.

officially says - Michelle you're a sick pup!

unofficially cracks the hell up!

Mary Jane was about to have sex when the boy stopped to put on a condom. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed. She knew the condom wouldn't protect against crabs.

I love your twisty humor. How's THAT for "Lighten up?" snort You go, girl.

Okay, thank God I don't still drink chocolate milk.

Thank you, Evil Michele.

Oops. I meant Michele. Damn heroin! Sorry.

Fantastic! Reminds me of when I first heard dead baby jokes from a preacher's son.... ahhh, the good ole days.

did you hear about the cannibal ice hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.

Oh, you mean like: What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

You can unload the dead babies with a pitchfork...

Mary seems like such a happy person... _

Number four reminds me of a verse from Benny Bell:

I used to work in Toledo in a department store
I used to work in Toledo, I did but I don't anymore
A lady came in for a felt hat, we had them in that store
Felt she wanted, felt she got
That's why I'm not there anymore.

Reminds me of the lamest joke genre of all, Tom Swiftys (God I'm old): "I'm afraid I just walked into the propeller of the areoplane," Tom said offhandedly.

A drunk walks out of a bar and proceeds to be violently sick all over a little Chihuahua sitting on the sidewalk.

The drunk looks down and mutters, "Funny, I don't remember eating that!"

omg I'm laughing hysterically. I've been looking for more Mary Jane jokes for ages.

Mary Jane was committed to the Insane asylum for killing the baby she pushed down the hill. One day she was out walking by the pool when another patient jumped into the deep end of the pool , fully clothed, and promptly sunk to the bottom. Mary Jane dived in, pulled the man to safety, did CPR, and proceeded to take him back to his room. later the chief doctor call Mary Jane to his office to declare her a hero. "Mary Jane" he said "I have some good news and some bad news" "first the good news" Your act of heroism today when you saved that other patient from drowning proves you are not insane and we have decided you are cured and ready to return to normal life" "what's the bad news" Mary Jane asked? "the bad news, I'm sorry to report is the man you saved hung himself from his tie in his bedroom" Mary Jane laughed and laughed, she knew she just hung him up to dry!

Mary Jane went outside to see her brother, whom she despied. She taunted: "I have a quarter, I have a quarter!" Her brother said; "Mary Jane, you know you have to share everything with me." So she said; "Fine" and threw the coin into the street. Her brother ran out and picked it up when a large truck ran over him. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew it was only a nickel!

Mary Jane went outside to see her brother, whom she despied. She taunted: "I have a quarter, I have a quarter!" Her brother said; "Mary Jane, you know you have to share everything with me." So she said; "Fine" and threw the coin into the street. Her brother ran out and picked it up when a large truck ran over him. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew it was only a nickel!

Mary Jane went to the movies with her boyfriend. During the movie, her boyfriend put his arm around her and proceeded to put his hand down her shirt. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed, she knew her money was in her shoe.