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enough is...enough

This was important enough for me to ignore the fact that I took the night off.

First there was Kazaam, which reigned as my Worst.Movie.Ever for several years until Jeepers Creepers and then Air Bud, Seventh Inning Stretch took over the helm. That only lasted until I saw Jason X a few weeks ago. I'm sure Jason will be delighted to know that the title of Worst.Movie.Ever no longer belongs to him.

The current champion? J'Lo's ode to revenge murder, Enough.

Enough merits the award for the ending alone, when J Lo greets her oh-so-charming little angel at the airport with hugs and kisses and pure glee at just having killed the child's father. Yes, he was abusive. But the sugary, happy ending was ever so wrong for a movie where someone murders their former spouse, regardless of the circumstances.

What annoyed me more was the following exchange in the airport:

Daughter: Where are we going now, mommy?
J Lo: Anywhere you want, honey.
Daughter: What about Emerald City?

Gag.

I need to revise my list of worst movies of all time. I've re-posted the list below. Discuss.

[From November 4. 2002]

1. Kazaam
2. Air Bud, Seventh Inning Fetch
3. Jeepers Creepers
4. Bicentennial Man
5. Battlefield Earth
6. 3,000 Miles to Graceland
7. Planet of the Apes (remake)
8. Castaway
9. Pearl Harbor
10. Waterworld
11. Bull Durham
12. Dances with Wolves
13. The Bodyguard
14. Little Nicky
15. Volcano
16. Indecent Proposal
17. Pootie Tang
18. The Talented Mr. Ripley
19. Dude, Where's My Car
20. Freddie Got Fingered
21. Eyes Wide Shut
22. Baby Geniuses
23. Anaconda
24. Stop or My Mom Will Shoot
25. Soul Man

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Comments

Hmmm, I see more than a couple of Kevin Costner movies in that list. I don't disagree, mind you; just noticing.

Did you see there's a Jeepers Creepers II coming out? Heh. I CAN'T WAIT!!! (not.)

this is actually kind of a lightweight list. Not to criticize too harshly (hey, it's your site, and I'm not putting my pud on the butcher's block every day...), but there are much worse films. If Dances with Wolves makes your top 15, you really need to get out more.

Seriously, how can Christopher Columbus, The Discovery not make your list? Where's The Living Daylights? Where's Head?

How can you hate Soul Man?

Nothing, but nothing will ever surpass Highlander 2: The Quickening. I was violently ill for days.

Some more bad movies:

The Exterminator 2. Walked out of that one.
Titanic
Forrest Gump
The Phantom Menace and, um, that last George Lucas movie that sucked ass so hard.
Voodoo Academy. Just don't ask.
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.

Wow, I've seen none of those. Maybe you need to be a little pickier.

I'm disappointed Lake Placid is nowhere on this list. It's the only movie I ever walked out of. It was so bad, my friend and I had to go outside and smoke a cigarette. When we were finished, we looked at each other, got into the car without a word, and drove away from the theater. Both of us busted out laughing at the first stoplight, amazed at the $7.00 anal violation we had just received.

Oh please. Nothing can top -- or well, bottom --- The Lonely Lady, starring that Mistress of Thespianism, Pia Zadora.

Kevin,
Are you kidding? My friends and I rented Lake Placid about 10 times to watch that poorly done scene where alligator bites the cop's head off. In fact, I don't think I ever saw the end of that movie because we kept rewinding it to watch that scene again. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my entire life.
Some movies are so bad, they trancend into comedy.

Michele, where is Armaggedon? "I'm leavin' on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again..." Ugh. That song still gives me chills. I felt like I was on Mystery Science Theater watching that movie with my friends at the theater. People kept pointing out all the stupid mistakes and groaning through all the sappy crap.

Gotta agree with Joshua Scholar (above)...Michele, you need to quit wasting so much of your time on Crap-Fests ; be a little more selective!

C'mon, guys! You can do better than this. There's a whole world of movies out there that are so bad they're good. A few classics:

The Toxic Avenger
Robot Monster
Plan Nine From Outer Space
Attack Of The Fifty-Foot Woman
Surf Nazis Must Die!
The Blood On Satan's Claw
The Devil's Rain
Chopper Chicks In Zombie Town
Fertilize The Blaspheming Bombshell
Cannibal Women In The Avocado Jungle Of Death

...and an all-time trio starring none other than Richard Burton:

The Medusa Touch
Trotsky
Exorcist II: The Heretic

Hmmm, I agree with all of your Kevin Costner picks with the exception of Dances With Wolves. The theatrical release was pretty damned good. The video released "directors cut", however was pretty bad.

Speaking of Kevin Costner I'm surprised that you didn't include The Postman. I mean who could forget the touching scene where Mr. Costner turns on his horse, rides back, and snatches the letter from the boy's hand. Or the spontaneous busting out of America the Beautiful by the local towns people after being inspired by The Postman. Last but not least, the final, drawn out fight, in slow mostion no less, between The Postman and his evil enemy made me want to, you guessed it, pull out the ice-pick and slam it through my retina.

Also, The Titanic. That one has to be on any list of bad films.

Ah, but I've never seen Titanic. So there!

That's about 50 hours worth of crap movies that you've sat through. And you'll never get it back. Geezez. At least I was smart enough to never try to watch The Bodyguard.

One word - Hoodlum.
We now rate really bad movies on a separate "Hoodlum scale". I don't think anything's topped Hoodlum yet, but some have come close - so close in fact I burnt them from my memory and can't remember what they are!!

Darkness Falls.....ugh

First of all...I'd like to take exception at the fine gentleman who said the Chopper Chicks in the Zombietown was a bad movie. That was a fine cinematic masterpiece. The Toxic Avenger wasn't bad, but the sequels were worse then horrendous. As something close to Michele's heart...
The Punisher (the Dolph Lungren one) sucked donkey toes. Judge Dredd did too. Even Pam Anderson's breasts couldn't salvage Barb Wire. Star Trek V was an absolute stinker and William Shatner should be drawn and quartered for bringing it to the world. As far as Highlander movies go...Endgame blow ass.

That's a start.
Oh yeah...Flash Gordon. That was so bad it was funny.

my worst movie is kind of a cult classic.. badlands starring martin sheen and sissy spacek.. despite awesome cinematography the overall feel of the movie is completely banal and the script is so contrived it's laughable.

also, i have to agree with you about enough... it was horrid. and i'm not a jlo basher.

Speaking of awful movies, do tv movie series count? I'm thinking of something the Scifi channel has started playing called "The Deathlands." It's some post-Apocalyptic crapola filmed all in orange. I guess it's to convince us that in the future all our cyan filters will have been destroyed. Best line so far, from former porn star Traci Lords: "Die, Mutie bitch!" ("Mutie" as in "mutant" -- mutant meaning you have long red hair and look smashing in a ragged leather minidress.) There's also a hero with an eyepatch.

Oh! Oh! I forgot. Right after that thing was over the next movie on Scifi was something called "The Apocalypse." It was some sort of thing set in outer space. It featured that chick from Sex, Lies, and Videotape (the bad sister) playing a crazy woman in a space ship whose dialogue consisted of the soliloquies from Hamlet, and Sandra Bernhard playing a captain of a space ship. I would have watched the whole rancid thing but I needed to sleep, and I haven't hooked the videotape machine up to the cable. (This was also filmed all through some sort of rust-colored filter. Are they having budget problems at the Scifi channel? They can't seem to afford to use the entire color spectrum.)

just glad to see that i am not the only one who hated Anaconda.....i did like waterworld, though :-)
mike

Sorry, but why is Pootie Tang so far down on the list. That freak doesn't even speak a normal english language and people seem to understand him.

I'd like to second Andrea's comments and expand...

Any movie with Traci Lords is by definition unwatchabley bad.

My list goes something like this:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
Jeepers Creepers
The Grinch (The Jim Carrey remake.)

Some truly horrific films, which haven't yet been mentioned:

Cybercity, starring C. Thomas Howell and Roddy Piper.

Crash, by David Cronenberg. Total crap, but popular among artsy Eurotrash types who bitch about stupid unsophisticated Americans not understanding the movie.

The Doom Generation, made by some guy who really wishes he was David Lynch.

Playmate of the Apes, which I saw on Cinemax late the other night, and which makes the average "Skinemax" movie look like Casablanca.

I guess it's up to me to drop "Eye of the Beholder" in here. Positively wretched, and never before, on leaving a theater, have I heard so many fellow victims asking each other "What the F***?"

There's a Playmate of the Apes?! Really? I didn't realize there was an audience in the first place for that ape-human sexual tension between Helena Bonham Carter and Mark Wahlberg . . . heh heh.

I'd like to take a moment here to sorrow for the six or so hours of my life that I lost in watching High Crimes, Sweet Home Alabama and What Dreams May Come. I know, I know anyone paying money for any of these films was frankly asking for it. High Crimes was your basic suspense-y Deadly Game of Cat and Mouse, Sweet Home Alabama was rated CF for Chick Flick, and What Dreams May Come is near the nadir of Robin Williams' sappy period. Still, they were what my companions wanted to see (although I was also at fault myself for the last), and I didn't dare express any "I told you so" afterward to anyone! My own feelings are best expressed in Crow's remark during Red Zone Cuba: "I want to hurt this movie. But I can never hurt it the way it hurt me."

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bow-O-Rama!

Ohmigod, I saw that movie, too. It's like I was hypnotized and unable to turn the channel.

Cop to J.Lo, after seeing what she did to her husband: "You're one of the lucky ones."

Say WHAT?!?!? How about, "You have the right to remain silent."

I mean, hello, she just effing killed her husband. The spouse is the FIRST one they look for.

Bull Durham? How in Ghod's green earth could you hate Bull Durham?

Worst movie I've ever seen in a theater: first it was Basic Instinct. Then, Highlander 3. But the all-time king was Double Team. I wanted to give Tsui Hark a break in his US directing debut, but dude. If you don't remember Double Team, good for you. It starred Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman. Mickey Rourke played the bad guy.

How bad was Double Team? Let's put it this way: I walked out of it and walked into Anaconda instead -- and Anaconda was better.