The LARS-athon is coming!
Start wearing editorial face masks, because LARS (Loathe America Really Severely) is spreading like wildfire. Not only is it mutating and changing course at whim, it has sub-species by the millions that eventually mutate into full-blown LARS.
The most dangerous sub-bug is SABS: Serious Abhor Bush Syndrome. Ted Rall has this one bad. He also has a case of LARS so severe that he should be immediately shipped off to France.
We must do something about this disease. We must put a stop to it. And everyone knows that there is only one way to stop the spread of a dreaded disease: The Benefit Song.
If we could line up a few celebrities to pen a tune and record it We Are the World style, we could donate the proceeds to the research necessary to eradicate LARS.
You love our world
You love our children
They should do it for the children, before LARS reaches them and it's too late. If we are not careful we will soon be raising a nation of little Norman Mailers and Dixie Chicks. Think about it, folks - is that what you want? Won't you lend a helping hand? Won't you do what it takes to make LARS a thing of the past?
Perhaps a telethon would work. We could have bloggers manning the phones while pro-America celebrities burn effigies of Sean Penn. And you know what they say - nothing burns like an effigy!
We could even have an "Adopt a LARS Victim" segment. For just twenty dollars (all proceeds going to Ted Rall's therapy bills) you could adopt say, George Clooney. Bring him home, feed him some chicken soup and Rohypnol and get to work on mind control.
Sure, it's not pleasant work; it's not even legal or ethically correct. But it sure beats having to listen to the likes of Madonna talking nonsense after being struck by LARS.
Together we can do this. LARS is destroying our country. It's ruining tourism and killing the dollar and I think it shot J.R. Call 1-800-BUSHWON for details on how you can help.