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covet thy neighbor's blog posts

Well, I tried the angry thing, but I am in one of those "I love everyone" moods today, so that didn't work. I tried serious posting, but was both misunderstood and yelled at. I grieved for my hamster and some weird chick just wanted to see pictures of the headless little ones.

Instead, I'll catch up on yesterday's sin, where I was supposed to covet something. Davezilla has a great post today, and I am coveting that. And not only I am coveting the post in a really strong way, but I'm not even going to ask him if I can have it. I am just going to take it. Just.Like.That.

So, here's Dave's: Book titles that didn’t quite make it

The Delicious World of Coffee Additives Wilford Brimley’s Celebrity Workout 16,208 Steps to Financial Freedom The Erotic Life of the Sowbug Sundialing: The impact of cell phones on the Kalihari Bushmen 10,000 Great Recipes with Gasoline The Many Fetishes of Bennett Cerf Healing with Poop The Children’s Illustrated Satanic Bible

That's just some of them. You have to go read the rest.

And then you come back here and leave your own, and I bet my readers can come up with better ones than his readers. Yea, I am challenging you Davezilla and Davezilla's fan club! Ok, we do have some cross over readers, but you all will just have to pick and choose your sides.


Perhaps some of these might work:

Boothe and Lincoln's Favorite Plays
Better Living With Anthrax
How To Be Redundant By Repeating Yourself
Greater Beauty Secrets of The Duckbilled Platypus
A Brief History Of Toe Fungus
The Art of Successful Defenestration
Where's Waldo: Beyond the Glory

"The Warthog, the Carburator and the Wardrobe"
"My Life as an Alderman"
"The Three Investigators and the Case of the Disappearing Aortic Valve"
"The Twelve-Step Guide to Brain Surgery"
"Z is for Zimbabwe"
"Small Claims Hell," by John Grisham
"Lord of the Rings II: Gollum's Revenge"
"The First 750 Years of Mime - Volume 1"


"Ramona Quimby and the Headless Hamster"

Hey, this is fun - I could do this all day...

Why make stuff up when there are real tomes titled Everyone Poops and The Gas We Pass?

For more hilarity see what the customers who bought the above ALSO bought.

"Grave Digging Dos and Don'ts"
"A 12 Step Plan For Successful Binge Drinking"
"Is She Underage? Signs To Look For"
"Bestiality For Dummies"
"Masturbation: Dealing With Sin Five Times Or More A Day"
"Permanent Marker Sniffing And You"
"Your Guide To Seducing Helen Thomas"

"Grandma's fucking nuts: How to explain Alzheimers to children"

George Michael's Photo Tour of Southern-Californian Bathrooms

One of my all-time faves is a Mad Magazine classic:

The Psychology of Inanimate Objects...

"Limited Police Action and Peace"
"Moby Penis"
"The Right Stuff (Is on my Left Shoe)"
"Citizen Caning (A Guide to Punshment in Singapore)"

Sex With Nuns For Dummies
Pat The Porcupine
The Big Booger Book

I want a copy of the Big Booger Book.

I bet it's the first under the coffee table book.

The big book of dick jokes.
1001 uses for cat skin.
Fun with Matches.
Hanging Chad.

With a blogger spin, of course:

"The Acidman Guide To Liberal Thinking"

"Brevity" by Bill Whittle

"Carcass Disposal: So Foul For Fowl" by Steve at Ravenwood.com

"A Guide to Chastity" by...well.....me.

I have a million of 'em!

People Who Thought Pooce Was For Real

The Brilliant and Forward-Thinking Statesmanship of Chirac

Personal Hygiene: the French Way

Straighter, Whiter Teeth: Secrets from the UK

British Clothes that Aren't Black

J-Lo and Ben: In it for the Long Haul

Why You Should Shell Out Money for Blogger Pro

No, Really, Josh Grayson Belongs in the Top 5

Posted in the wrong spot:

Okay, okay! sheesh!

Remembering that I'm not funny....

The Lord of the Bathtub Ring

Silence of the Hedgehogs

Memoirs of a File Clerk

Posted by Ith at May 6, 2003 07:59 PM

I posted a few...i'll get back with more when I get the offspring fed, bathed, and put to bed.

Posted by dave at May 6, 2003 08:09 PM

Mommy, is that a real hand?: A Brief History of Fast Food

Sexual Techniques for Career Advancement

Your God doesn't Love You: The Fundamentalist Guide to Missionary Work

Create Delicious Family Meals in Minutes using your Unwanted Children

Achieve a Brighter Tomorrow - A Self-help guide to Denial and Delusion

Breaking Important News to Adopted Teenagers

Earn Big Bucks from Your Parents' Divorce: A financial guide

The Parents guide to Developing a Crack Habit (because all kids know that copying your folks is soooo uncool)

So You've Run Out of Injection Points? A Heroin Addict's Guide to Little Known Arteries

Mammalian Evolution League Tables (Revised - following publication of NBC fall lineup)

Posted by Crimson Cow at May 6, 2003 08:12 PM

Armpit Hair-a-gami!

Sorry, Michele.

The entry for Acidman was supposed to be "Acidman's Guide to Feminism"

As I leave work after a long day...

In Search of Time Lost Trying to Read This Book
Oh The People You Will Do
Who Moved My Heart Medicine?

And just looking at NY Times curernt top 'just missed' titles:
"Healthy Family/Wealthy Family" by the Michael and La Toya Jackson
"Sex With the City" by George Michael
"Harry Potter and the Book as a Doorstop" by JK Rowling
"The Secret Life of Maggots"
"Life of Avogadro's Number" by Yann Martel
"Derelickion of Duty" by Robert Patterson
"How to Win at Craps" by William Bennett
"The Lovely Zones: A Diet" by Alice Sebold and Robert Atkins
"Smugness and Me" by Michael Moore
"Matzah Balls for the Soul"
"Living with Hysteria" by Hillary Rodham

To All You Virgins--Thanks for Nothing: A Wilt Chamberlin Memoir

Want Fries With That? Putting Your Liberal Arts Degree to Work

Curious Boy George - an interactive pop-up
Pat the Playboy Bunny
How to Bury a Millionaire - by Anna Nicole Smith

How-To books that didn't make it:

-A Sweet Deck: Creating a backyard patio with leftover Peeps

-Q-tips, who needs 'em: Alternate implements for cleaning aural cavities

-Love that Lint: Recycling Dryer lint into diapers, dinner napkins, and more!!

Playtime with Barney the Dinosaur Book 4: Composing lyrics for J-Lo singles (suitable for ages 3-5)

The Buddhist Guide to Handling Heavy Artillery

Revitalise and Renovate Your Garden (so they'll never find the other bodies)

"Strategy" by Al Gore
Bill Bennett's Big Book of Vice
Teaching Your Toddler to Love Sharp Objects
Money Management the African Dictator Way

"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Rhetoric" by Michael Moore (subtitled: "450 ways to say "Bush Bush BUSH!")

"The Slots: How to Lose Money and Discredit Yourself" by Bill Bennett

"The Muppets Take Baghdad" (a picture book.

Get Well Soon (because Jesus HATES sick people) - Hallmark: The Fringe Years

The Serial Killer's White Pages - Phone Numbers for over 250,000 blonde children and B-List Celebrities at your fingertips

Making Friends with Baron Frankenstein

How to save on Nursing Home costs by poisoning your parents before they hit 55

1,001 fun ways to create an army of the undead using kitchen appliances and household pets

Mommy, everyone hates me: When impersonating Hitler at school goes wrong...

Ok, I'm done now.

Better Management Through Sock Puppetry
Lobotomy Made Easy
The Children's Illustrated History of the Inquisition
The Big Book of Gum Disease
A Buyer's Guide to Rubber Bands
Million Dollar Birdhouses
How To Leave It Alone Before You Make It Worse
Fun With Narcolepsy
The Home Embalmer's Guide to Stain Removal
Six Weeks to a Healthier Thymus
I'm Okay, You're Just Disgusting

Chicken Soup for Chickens
So You Want To Be A Pedophile...
The Year's Most Mediocre Short Stories
I'm OK, You're An Asshole

"Da Vinci, Part 2: The Carrot Top Code"
"Scary Stories" by Kim Jong-il
"Chicken Soup for the Sadistic Soul"
"Dr. Phil's Guide to Oprah's Ass"
"Seven Habits of Highly Defective Weasels"
"Who the Hell Moved My Beer?"
"Saddam Hussein's Love Sonnets, Vol. 1"
"Baghdad Bob the Builder"

Emmanuel "Webster" Lewis's Unabridged Dictionary
The Cat Who Licked Its Privates Frequently Instead of Solving Mysteries
Chicken Soup for the Vegetarian's Soul
Romeo and Julius Caesar
Arm Wrestling for Dummies
To Buy a Lot of Stupid Wicca Books
Encylopedia BritHumeica
Around Beakman's World in 80 Days
Alice and the Excuse For Writing a Third Book Just to Be Near The Child The Author Pervs On
The Schwa of Tigger
The Complete Swiffer Guide

French Offensive Military Strategy

Mormon Foreplay

Horton Hires A Ho

"Blind, Deaf, Limbless, And Loving It"
"So You Wanna Fuck Elmo"
"The Big Book Of Stains" every copy handcrafted!
"My Finger, Your Ass: A Love Story"
"Presidential Penises: A Little Golden Pop-Up Book"
"Celebrity Skidmarks, by Annie Leibowicz"
"Sex II"
"Ted Rall's Tales Of Ribaldry"
"I'll Bet You Can't Cram This Book Up..." a choose-your-own-adventure book
"2001 Farts: A Scratch 'N' Sniff Extravaganza"
"Cameron Manheim: Explore My Body"

How To - Clean a better toilet bowl - by - E.Z. Erpissen

Big Business - How to succeed at the corporate level - by - The Enron Board of Directors

You Make God Cry, A Catholic Child's Guide to Confession

Harry Potter and the Hairy Potter
Management Secrets of Adolf Hitler
Stoopid White Men
Trepanation Made Easy
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Quantum Vacuum Fluctuations
Heather Has Two Mommies, So Let's Tease Her Until She Kills Herself
Hiding Drug Use From Your Obstetrician
Anthrax Weaponization for Dummies
h@x0r1|\|6 \/\/3b51+3z 1|\| @ |\|u+5h3||

How to Look like a million for less...by Winonna Ryder

How to commit the near-perfect crime...by Scott Peterson with intro by O.J. Simpson

The Art of Political correctness...by Natalie Maines

a few more...

The Tao of Poo
The Girlfriend's Guide to Faking a Pregnancy So He'll Propose
Anal Intruders XII (movie novelization)
Harry Potter and the Hairy Palms
A Child's Illustrated Guide to Abortion
Ingrid Newkirk's Favorite Beef Recipes
The Complete Guide to Photoshopping Anna Kournikova's Head onto the Bodies of Nude Models
A Field Guide to Sporks
Fodor's Pyongyang 2003

Adding to the list..
The Nihilist Movement and Why We Don't Care About It
Then And Now: Rainbow Brite's Descent Into Addiction
Martha Stewarts' Guide to Better Investing
Fun With The Mentally Retarded
Curious George Meets Cockring Carl
In Search of the Dog: Spelunking Anna Nicloe's Dark Side
Goosebumps #19: The Tale of the Bukakae Nightmare

One Bitch Two Bitch Dead Bitch Blue Bitch

The Grinch's Ten Inches

Thumb: How Four Fingers Make a Fist
Body Cavity Searches For Beginners
One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Jail
Thass Mah Beyatch by Snoop Dogg
Scriptwriting on Shrooms by Aaron Sorkin
Getting Away With It by Tim McVeigh
Its Not a Rug by Donald Trump
This Is Skin by Ivana Trump
Toyboy Training by Michele

Exploiting your friends for personal gain - a backstabber's guide to a successful life

SARS and the city

Intestinal parasites and you: dieting made easy

How to conduct a reasoned, logical debate - by Ted Rall

Rohypnol: the art of seduction*

*that could possibly be by an author I've previously named, but I wouldn't want to be libellous now, would I?

Some Kittens Can Fly
Garfield Gets Feline Lukemia
Dad’s New Wife Robert
Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
“Pop Goes the Weasel!” …and other fun microwave games

"Daddy Loses His Job and Hits the Bottle"
"Curious George and the Electrified Fence"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"Raiding Mommy's Purse for Fun and Profit"

"Harry Potter and the Naughty Schoolmarm" by Mary Kay LeTorneau
"Playing Both Sides" by Senator Tom Daschle
"I Hate Success! How To Cope With Fame" by Natalie Maines

The British Guide to Dental Care
Analzying the German Sense of Humor
Get Fit with Roseanne!

Erotic Fun With Dick and Jane
Evisceration and You!
1001 Jell-O based Hair Replacement Techniques

I'm OK, I Don't Give A Shit About You

Of Corpse I Did! -- Recollections of a Lusty Mortician

French War Heroes

Where Did I Leave That Damn Book?: Adjusting to Alzheimer's
Eat Yourself Fat
Undress for Success: Sleeping Your Way to the Top
Ventriloquism for Dummies
Harry Potter and the Nocturnal Emission
Farting Your Way to Social Success
Void Where Prohibited by Law: A Guide to Discreet Public Urination
Fact Checking for Documentary Film Makers by Michael Moore

The New Weight Loss Revolution: The Dog Smegma Diet?

"Tenderness & Affection: A Guide for Lovers" by Monsieur Marquis de Sade

This Too Is the Body of Christ by Rev. Paul Shanley
Building a Career in Suicide Bombing
Finding Mr. Right by Hillary Clinton

What is Sex: A definition by WJ Clinton
The French guide to winning wars and other Science Fiction stories
Mom, I want to be a Girl like you: A Teenage Boy's journal
The many uses of Anthrax in school
Why Daddy went to prison: How to deal with sibling rivalries
Bend over: a Prison survival guide
1001 ways to trick a Veggie into eating meat
The poor man's guide to selling body parts for cash

"The Do's and Don'ts of Embedded Reporting" by Geraldo Rivera

"A Guide to Internet Chat Rooms" By Scott Ritter

"Where's Waldo" by Hans Blix

"Nookyuler Strateegery" by George W. Bush

"101 Hair Tips" by John Kerry

"The Boston Irish Pub Review" by Ted Kennedy

"Interns Are Easy!" by...

Oops, forget to put my name on that last post :)

What the Meaning of "is" Is by Bill Clinton

Harry Potter and the Hairy Palm
Harry Potter VII: Hermione and the Pink Wand
Your Home Fusion Reactor