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bonjour, monkey brain!

I am a jingoistic, self-regarding conquer monkey!


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» Bonjour from Inoperable Terran
Anyone remember when Doonesbury was funny? Me neither.... [Read More]


do you remember when doonesbury was funny? i do. granted, i was eight, and jimmy carter was in office, but i do remember... sniffle

Yeah, same with me... My Dad had the big book of Doonesbury comics. They completely warped my brain - I had no idea that Zonker was a parody, I thought he was some sort of stoner saint.

Fuck Trudeau. I'm sure he needs some 'cause his dried up bitch of a wife probably quit giving up the ass a long time ago.

Anyway, please note in the translation the "Now pay attention: We liberated France so it could be free! Free from foriegn domination. Get it?"

Well. So liberating Iraq from domestic domination (and not the good kind of domination), is not OK? No freedom in Gary's world allowed for those unfortunate enough to live under a twisted, genocidal dictator.

And yes, Gary, it the Eiffel Tower had fallen intead of the WTC, we'd have done one better than a few headlines. We probably would have rebuilt the damn thing, or at least built the memorial.

You see, America is a good-hearted nation when it comes down to it. We donate billions in private charity for use all over the world. This is over and above the billions in foriegn aid our government doles out. We are a fast friend, until you turn on us. Even then we don't become your sworn enemy, we just ignore you until you wither away.

You see, we kinda respect Germany's position. They are rabidly pacifist in a somewhat understandable over-reaction to being, as a nation, responsible for the bloodiest war in the history of Mankind and the worst acts of genocide (excepting only Stalin).

We're kinda puzzled about Russia, but suspect that they still nurse that Communist inferiority complex that makes them oppose anything we do in a knee-jerk sort of fashion.

The French, however, opposed our actions not out of any higher motives, but out of naked, ugly self-interest. France sold many of the chemical precursors for WMD to Iraq, and did not want to be caught out. In support of this, they committed acts of espionage in giving sensitive diplomatic information to our enemy. They diplomatically stymied us in the UN. How many more Iraqis died in torture chambers while we dicked around trying to influence the corrupt?

Eddie Izzard said it best, "They're kind of, well, fucking French." That applies to pretty much your entire history. You've never won a war on your own. Yeah you helped us out a couple of hundred years back, but only after trying to off us in the French and Indian War. We've more than paid you back within the last century. The Great War. World War Two. Bailing your sorry asses out of Indochine. How are we repaid? By France not wanting to play in the NATO sandbox. By acting all pissy about us saving a whole nation from brutal oppression. You don't know oppression, except for your socialist tax rates.

You bastards basically can't do anything right other than make wine and cook. Warning: California is catching up quickly and all your best chefs are moving here. We don't need you for any particular reason, now. Perhaps it's time for teacher to put your well-deserved dunce cap on your pointy little collective head, sit you in the corner, and take away your UN Security council veto.

Crap. I just realized that I drank an entire bottle of Moet at the Dita Von Teese show last night (in the ice bucket, through a straw. I'm so pimp) I'm going to have to cut out my liver with a pocketknife now, al la (hehe) that hiker dude. That's how we do things here.

You see, you're acting like spoiled Hollywood whiners (see: Tim Robbins). You were dicks to us. We stop buying your shitty products. Tim acted like an asshole, we stopped watching his shitty movies (well, Arlington Road was kinda OK). Both of you are whining about it.

Timmy says his right to free speech is being curtailed. Last time I looked the First Amendment protected you against the government. There's no guarantee that movie execs won't realize that you've become box office poison for pissing off the American public, hence stop calling you. Neither is there any international treaty that says that we can't write France out of our collective jargon for pissing us off.

Besides, you dont deserve "French" fries. Pommes Frites taste so much better with ketchup. Last time I was in France, I was looked at with horror for asking for ketchup in a restaurant (and no, it wasn't going on Duc L'Orange). Funny, because when I ordered pasta the alleged "tomato sauce" tasted a lot like Heinz.

"do you remember when doonesbury was funny?"

There was one last year, wasn't there? Seems like everybody was talking about it.

He sucks. Check out day by day. It is much more amusing.

By the way I once read that Garry IS related to Pierre (Canadian Prime Minister).

Actually I was really shocked that Garry wasn't against the first gulf war. For a long time I held that against him, before 9/11 and being forced to make an attempt to understand the Middle East. Before that I had been buying the stupid lies they told me on Pacifica, that Saddam was the best leader in the Middle East. I wish I was exagurating. There's one idiot (flashpoints? counterspin? I get them confused) who used to go on and on about how Iraq is the only Arab country with good social services and that the Republicans are just trying to destroy leftists everywhere.