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The Slutpublican ticket for 2004: I'm in

The Slutpublicans live.

Mr. Swerdloff and I have decided to run on the Slutpublican ticket. While our political intentions are good, they are also selfish and personal, as Jonathan is hoping that some lovely, wholesome neocon woman would like to sleep with the vice-president, and I am hoping to turn this into a chance to rid the world once and for all of Carrot Top.

Sure, we have more realistic aspirations, as Jonathan says:

Give France back to the Germans, since they didn't appreciate our saving them the first time. And then give the Germans to the Russians. In exchange, Russia will give us her full stockpile of WMDs and all of their scientists and technicians.

Domestically - gay marriage is in. Funding for disease-fighting nonprofits doing research is in. Corporations who shelter their money by being Cayman or similarly situated will be taxed on everything they do.

So, as in most cases, the vice-president, Jonathan, will be the brains behind the outfit. I'll just stand around and read speeches and cut ribbons at opening ceremonies and invite the Stanley Cup winning hockey team back to the presidential bedroom.

Speaking of speeches, we are hoping to get Bill Whittle to write ours. Perhaps we can make this an all blogger ticket. Of course, our theme song will be Dr. Frank's democracy, whisky, sexy. No Fleetwood Mac for us.

Do you have a special talent that would somehow enhance our marketability? What can you bring to the Swerldoff-Catalano ticket that would make us sexier, smarter, more likely to be featured in an issue of Maxim? Can you make blogging trolls go away with a single glance? Do you have any action-figure type magic powers like invisibility or the ability to stretch your arms really long distances or the power to make Chirac cry? Will you dance naked at our inaugural party? To Justin Timberlake?

As our gravy train takes off from the station, you will want to be a part of it. We are Slutpublicans. We are proud.

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» Running for office from Swerdloff's Personal Life
Michele and I are running for office. On the Slutpublican ticket. We're going to put things right. [Read More]

» Running for office from Swerdloff's Personal Life
Michele and I are running for office. On the Slutpublican ticket. We're going to put things right. [Read More]

» I'm voting Slutpublican from Signifying Nothing
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» A Two-Party System from Electric Venom
Since Michele has thrown her boobs hat into the ring for world domination, I thought I'd better hurry to... [Read More]

Comments

Well, I look good in a suit, and I can write a helluva speech....

I got nothing but dancing naked.

An event of such historical importance deserves to be fully documented for posterity... as well as required documentation of nekkid posteriors at the inaugural party. May I apply for the position of official campaign photographer?

(and presidential photographer when you win by a landslide)

As long as you touch up photos of me the way EW touched up that Dixie Chicks cover.

I agree with your position on Carrot Top, but am more concerned with foreign affairs. What will you do about Yahoo Serious?

Can I be your stunt double/fluffer for the Stanley Cup bedroom bonanza? If by some horrid chance the Flyers win, all I want is Simon Gagne and a decontamination chamber to rid myself of the Philly cooties afterward!

as per mr. swerdloff's suggestion, I am hereby submitting my request to be appointed Slutpublican Secretary of Defense.

"As zany as Uncle Donny and a damned dirty slut, to boot..."

Hmmm... I can juggle, and I can do wonderful things with a tv studio/control room. What can I get for that?

I went to college with Swerdloff, glad to see him still rockin'. I'll vote for you guys!

This is a party to which all men of freedom should rally.

I'm free. Let's party!

But seriously, I kid. I kid because I LOVE.

As far as speechwriting goes, who could be so vile and contemptuous a soul as to put a price on wordsmithing for such a noble and magnificent cause?

I could, that's who. It doesn't have to be CASH, mind you, but I do not come cheap so plan your evening schedules accordingly.