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ode to helen thomas

I'm kind of busy today. Which is fine, because I think you should all be reading the vast and varied collection of Helen Thomas Limericks.

I've gathered them all here in one place!

You will laugh, you will cry, you will cringe and perhaps feel the urge to throw up.

But most of all, you will beg to be part of the Empire that appreciates Helen Thomas poetry.

"Which would cause the most shrinkage?"
A question posed after much drinkage
"Standing in an icy ocean
or considering the notion
Of being buried in Helen Thomas' wrinklage?" - Juan Gato

Helen Thomas arouses my ire,
That bloodsucking press corps vampire,
So let me be frank:
I wouldn't pee on that skank
If I walked by and saw her on fire.

Posted by: Dave

There once was a writer from D.C.
Helen Thomas, with words always P.C.
She said, "Bush is the worst,
I think FDR's first"
Which tells you she's older than Kesey

Posted by: Wylie

I once met a man in pajamas
Who asked "hey, would you bone Helen Thomas?"
I thought for a bit,
Said "Man, screw THAT shit,"
"I'd rather be raped by ten Llamas"
1. Posted by: dave

An old hag by the name Helen Thomas.
Was a writer who didn't show too much promise.
Now she's older than dirt,
Her tits hang low in her shirt
And she STILL reports all the government dramas.
Posted by: Ryan

Helen Thomas, the fossil of olde,
Asked Ari, trying to be clever and bold,
"Do you like killing civilians,
numbering into the millions?"
Poor Helen, her mind's turned to mold.
Posted by: JohnO

With a nod to "Frank's World" at IMAO:
Helen Thomas got into it with Rummy
Who thought she was just some old dummy
He said "Yes, I would shoot her
Condi, bring me my Luger"
After that she was made into a mummy
Posted by: Ian S.

Helen Thomas is sure she is right.
Thinks her questions have quite a sharp bite.
But she just makes no sense
She looks silly and dense
We all wish she'd just go fly a kite.
Posted by: Kathy K

Helen Thomas and dave went a' courtin'.
It was a date dave was desperate to shorten.
He cut to the quick,
Said, "you ain't gettin' my dick."
And he gestured frantically down to his organ.
Posted by: Ryan

There once was a press-troll named Helen,
whose mouth could make her a felon.
Once she forgot her depends
and the smell from both ends
caused poor Ari to gag from the smellin'.
Posted by: Nothus

There once was a Thomas named Helen
Conspiracies hatch in her melon
to prevent her attack
Ari puts her in back
So Georgie can't hear all her yellin
C'mon. Not many rhymes for that name.
Posted by: Sylvain

I hate that old bag Helen Thomas
A friend of Hussein's and Osama's,
So ugly is she
People quite often flee
And grown men cry for their mamas
Posted by: Dave

A quick update on Thomas, Helen
Who is reportedly gellin' like a felon
She has new insoles
That feel soft on her toes,
I mean, she's like Magellen she's so gel. . .
Fuck it! I hate that commercial!
Posted by: Ryan

Helen Thomas of the Whitehouse beat,
Quite quickly would rise to her feet.
Her temper ignited,
When by George she was slighted,
Now on the back row is her seat.
Posted by: CC

Tis the truth of the matter I promise
That the flatulent wind bag, Helen Thomas
Let one out at the briefing
Left us queasy & wheezing
As the dark cloud descended upon us
Posted by: TX Vet

Helen Thomas, that media vermin,
She's older than Strohm freakin' Thurmond
I really do hate her
that backstabbing traitor
Surely she's French or she's German
Posted by: Dave

It's a story that's painful to tell
Helen Thomas: Reporter from Hell
At a Press Corps briefing
Started pooting and queafing
And four people died from the smell

What I hear is really quite ominous
About that journalist hack Helen Thomas
It's said her vagina
Could be stretched out to China
That would be something to see, I can promise.
Posted by: Ryan

Helen Thomas soiled her diaper
And she got rather angry and hyper
Until Peter Arnett
Who was himself soiled and wet
Stepped forth and offered to wipe her
Posted by: Ryan

There once was a bitch, Helen Thomas.
Who inflicted stupidity upon us.
Clearly her head's up her ass,
Cuz she's full of hot air and gas,
With a face that makes us all nauseous.
Posted by: Venomous Kate

The once was a scribbler named Helen,
Noone wanted the tripe she was sellin'
Ari booted the ho
To the very back row
She replied "That's not my breath he was smellin'!"
Posted by: Joe

Today's media condition is quite fretful
Geraldo and Arnett are regretful
Helen Thomas they say
Was okay in her day
But now she's just old and forgetful
Posted by: Ryan

A savvy young press sec named Ari
Had concocted the ultimate parry
"Helen Thomas, you skank!
You old windbag, you're rank!
And your face looks like raw calamari!"
Posted by: schmed

I watched that old hag Helen Thomas
And this vow I make as a promise
If she doesn't shut up
I'll beat her right up
That's right, I'm screaming "No Mas".
Posted by: Veeshir

In 1492,
Columbus sailed the ocean blue...
Only to find that stupid hag, Helen Thomas, trying to thwart any progress of the western world for the sake of her own petty ideology.
Posted by: Anthony Davidson

Hickory, dickory, dock
Helen Thomas is as dumb as rock
If I had my way
She'd've died yesterday
From a painful yeast infection
Posted by: Anthony Davidson

There once was a hag from the press
Who exclaimed in dismay and distress
'That Bush is the worst.'
'It must be a curse.'
'It's too damn bad, that I, Helen Thomas, couldn't fit my head any farther up my crusty old ass.'
Posted by: Anthony Davidson

I don't know which is funnier; Dave, or Anthony's utter failure to get the last line right.
I'm giving the nod to Dave. And it's not just because we have the same first name. Although that helped a little.
Posted by: David Perron

There once was a man from Columbus
Who wanted to shag Helen Thomas
He looked up with chagrin
Picking pubes off his chin
And said "my life began with such promise"
Posted by: jack

I remember Helen Thomas from DC
Who was born in early years BC
She said what she wanted
And became quite a pundit
Damn - who says limericking is easy?
Posted by: jack

Helen Thomas was once a reporter
(Back in FDR’s first term’s first quarter),
Now, while looking like Gollum,
She’s joined the fifth column.
It’s a shame her career wasn’t shorter.
Posted by: Gregg the obscure

Helen Thomas, in Washington’s webs
Since the Yankees were fighting the Rebs,
Gets some press when she says
Dubya’s our worst-ever prez –
Because she wants old Eugene V. Debs.
Posted by: Gregg the obscure

A limerick on media primers
includes Helen, the last of old-timers
it's just not good fun
matching rhymes with our puns
as she clearly suffers from Alzheimer's

Our crazy old aunt in the attic
as she rambles pretends she's emphatic
She cackles a promise
it's signed Helen ThomasIs Bush Hatred just symptomatic?
Posted by: Jim

I once had two babies mommas
One, was a bitch name Helen Thomas
I lied to get the ass
Now she's in court after my cash
I shouldnt have broken my promise
Posted by: D_TOWN

I once had two babies mommas
One, was a bitch name Helen Thomas
I lied to get the ass
Now she's in court after my cash
I shouldnt have broken my promise
Posted by: D_TOWN

A young man who showed little promise
began to screw Helen Thomas.
He felt his cock burning,
To ground meat it was turning.
Her twat was so dry 'twas like pumice.
Posted by: md

White House press had a crazy old aunt
whose 'questions' were more of a rant"Helen", Ari would say,
"would you please go away,
or just shut the fuck up, if you can't?"
Posted by: Wylie

That bitter old battle-axe, Helen Thomas
Has suffered many frontal lobe traumas.
A screeching hag of a bore,
Yet a correspondent no more,
She oughta yield to a scribbler with more promise.
Posted by: Shiloh Bucher

Helen Thomas was once an old hack
her 'questions' were really just 'smack'
So Ari said, "Helen,
we don't buy what you're sellin'"
So he sat her old ass in the back
Posted by: Wylie =

Once we heard the words of old Helen
And we listened to what she was yellin'
But she made no sense
And she made Ari tense
So Rummy beat her till she screamed it was Orwellian.
Posted by: Melissa

Why do we let Helen be seen?
Her chromosomes are missing a gene.
Her agenda is all
That she seems to recall
And she thinks she is writing a zine.
Posted by: Melissa Zogby


My God do we have free time in this country or what??

Actually, no. We just screw off a lot when we're supposed to be working.

Amen, Dave. I slacked so much this week thinking up awful limericks, I'm about two weeks behind.

Better late than not at all...

I hear Helen Thomas is ugly
Her derma no longer fits snugly
it droops in the front
and covers her cunt
"a good thing for us," I think smugly.

Notice how I didn't say the "V" word...

(I'm gonna get banned anyway, I just know it.)

Aand here I thought I was the only person that just couldn't stand that stupid old Helen Thomas...then I found this...ahh... :-D