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poetry readings at nine every night!

In my effort to do all I can from being serious today, I will continue with the Empire Building.

I am holding auditions for poet laureate. All poems must be in the form of a limerick and contain the name Helen Thomas.


Listed below are links to weblogs that reference poetry readings at nine every night!:

» Rhyme Time from Bushtit Dot Com
Just in case you've got the urge to wax poetic today, Michele is having a limerick contest of sorts at [Read More]

» A poet and didn't know it from Inoperable Terran
Michele is having a Helen Thomas limerick contest. Go enter, if you can.... [Read More]

» http://www.juangato.com/blog/003896.php from Juan Gato's Bucket o' Rants
Michele has a collection of limericks all somehow involving Helen Thomas. I desperately tried to think of one, but as... [Read More]

» Helen Thomas limericks from El Gato Bloggo
Just go read them. Better than anything by Amiri Baraka.... [Read More]


I once met a man in pajamas
Who asked "hey, would you bone Helen Thomas?"
I thought for a bit,
Said "Man, screw THAT shit,"
"I'd rather be raped by ten Llamas"

Auditions might have just closed...that was pretty damn funny.

An old hag by the name Helen Thomas.
Was a writer who didn't show too much promise.
Now she's older than dirt,
Her tits hang low in her shirt
And she STILL reports all the government dramas.

Helen Thomas, the fossil of olde,
Asked Ari, trying to be clever and bold,
"Do you like killing civilians,
numbering into the millions?"
Poor Helen, her mind's turned to mold.



With a nod to "Frank's World" at IMAO:

Helen Thomas got into it with Rummy
Who thought she was just some old dummy
He said "Yes, I would shoot her
Condi, bring me my Luger"
After that she was made into a mummy

Helen Thomas is sure she is right.
Thinks her questions have quite a sharp bite.
But she just makes no sense
She looks silly and dense
We all wish she'd just go fly a kite.

There once was a press-troll named Helen,
whose mouth could make her a felon.
Once she forgot her depends
and the smell from both ends
caused poor Ari to gag from the smellin'.

Helen Thomas and dave went a' courtin'.
It was a date dave was desperate to shorten.
He cut to the quick,
Said, "you ain't gettin' my dick."
And he gestured frantically down to his organ.

There once was a Thomas named Helen
Conspiracies hatch in her melon
to prevent her attack
Ari puts her in back
So Georgie can't hear all her yellin

C'mon. Not many rhymes for that name.

I hate that old bag Helen Thomas
A friend of Hussein's and Osama's,
So ugly is she
People quite often flee
And grown men cry for their mamas

A quick update on Thomas, Helen
Who is reportedly gellin' like a felon
She has new insoles
That feel soft on her toes,
I mean, she's like Magellen she's so gel. . .

Fuck it! I hate that commercial!

Helen Thomas of the Whitehouse beat,
Quite quickly would rise to her feet.
Her temper ignited,
When by George she was slighted,
Now on the back row is her seat.

Tis the truth of the matter I promise
That the flatulent wind bag, Helen Thomas
Let one out at the briefing
Left us queasy & wheezing
As the dark cloud descended upon us

Helen Thomas, that media vermin,
She's older than Strohm freakin' Thurmond
I really do hate her
that backstabbing traitor
Surely she's French or she's German

It's a story that's painful to tell
Helen Thomas: Reporter from Hell
At a Press Corps briefing
Started pooting and queafing
And four people died from the smell

So do I get the job or what???

What I hear is really quite ominous
About that journalist hack Helen Thomas
It's said her vagina
Could be stretched out to China
That would be something to see, I can promise.

Dude, be careful. I think it's a felony to mention Helen Thomas and Vagina together. Gah.

Helen Thomas soiled her diaper
And she got rather angry and hyper
Until Peter Arnett
Who was himself soiled and wet
Stepped forth and offered to wipe her

Yeah, in retrospect, I probably crossed a BIG line with the vagina thing. My bad.

There once was a bitch, Helen Thomas.
Who inflicted stupidity upon us.
Clearly her head's up her ass,
Cuz she's full of hot air and gas,
With a face that makes us all nauseous.

The once was a scribbler named Helen,
Noone wanted the tripe she was sellin'
Ari booted the ho
To the very back row
She replied "That's not my breath he was smellin'!"

Today's media condition is quite fretful
Geraldo and Arnett are regretful
Helen Thomas they say
Was okay in her day
But now she's just old and forgetful

----I vote for Dave!!---
(um, I mean I would vote for Dave, if this were a democracy)

And if you're outfitting your Imperial forces with those "Moford guns" (nudge, nudge, wink, wink), where do I sign?!

A savvy young press sec named Ari
Had concocted the ultimate parry
"Helen Thomas, you skank!
You old windbag, you're rank!
And your face looks like raw calamari!"

I watched that old hag Helen Thomas
And this vow I make as a promise
If she doesn't shut up
I'll beat her right up
That's right, I'm screaming "No Mas".

In 1492,
Columbus sailed the ocean blue...
Only to find that stupid hag, Helen Thomas, trying to thwart any progress of the western world for the sake of her own petty ideology.

Hickory, dickory, dock
Helen Thomas is as dumb as rock
If I had my way
She'd've died yesterday
From a painful yeast infection

There once was a hag from the press
Who exclaimed in dismay and distress
'That Bush is the worst.'
'It must be a curse.'
'It's too damn bad, that I, Helen Thomas, couldn't fit my head any farther up my crusty old ass.'

Dave and Ryan ain't got nothing on me!

I don't know which is funnier; Dave, or Anthony's utter failure to get the last line right.

I'm giving the nod to Dave. And it's not just because we have the same first name. Although that helped a little.

There once was a man from Columbus
Who wanted to shag Helen Thomas
He looked up with chagrin
Picking pubes off his chin
And said "my life began with such promise"

I remember Helen Thomas from DC
Who was born in early years BC
She said what she wanted
And became quite a pundit
Damn - who says limericking is easy?

Helen Thomas was once a reporter
(Back in FDR’s first term’s first quarter),
Now, while looking like Gollum,
She’s joined the fifth column.
It’s a shame her career wasn’t shorter.

Helen Thomas, in Washington’s webs
Since the Yankees were fighting the Rebs,
Gets some press when she says
Dubya’s our worst-ever prez –
Because she wants old Eugene V. Debs.

A limerick on media primers
includes Helen, the last of old-timers
it's just not good fun
matching rhymes with our puns
as she clearly suffers from Alzheimer's

Our crazy old aunt in the attic
as she rambles pretends she's emphatic
She cackles a promise
it's signed Helen Thomas
Is Bush Hatred just symptomatic?

I once had two babies mommas
One, was a bitch name Helen Thomas
I lied to get the ass
Now she's in court after my cash
I shouldnt have broken my promise

I once had two babies mommas
One, was a bitch name Helen Thomas
I lied to get the ass
Now she's in court after my cash
I shouldnt have broken my promise

A young man who showed little promise
began to screw Helen Thomas.
He felt his cock burning,
To ground meat it was turning.
Her twat was so dry 'twas like pumice.

My Final Four so far, in no particular order:

1) Dave's 1st post. Hard to beat.
2) Sylvain's "There once was a Thomas named Helen..."
3) Gregg the obscure's "Helen Thomas was once a reporter..."
4) Ryan's "Today's media condition is quite fretful..."

White House press had a crazy old aunt
whose 'questions' were more of a rant
"Helen", Ari would say,
"would you please go away,
or just shut the fuck up, if you can't?"

That bitter old battle-axe, Helen Thomas
Has suffered many frontal lobe traumas.
A screeching hag of a bore,
Yet a correspondent no more,
She oughta yield to a scribbler with more promise.

Helen Thomas was once an old hack
her 'questions' were really just 'smack'
So Ari said, "Helen,
we don't buy what you're sellin'"
So he sat her old ass in the back

Without flowing wine
How to stand
Helen Thomas

- or -

Sick and feverish
Glimpse of Helen Thomas
Still shivering.

Once we heard the words of old Helen
And we listened to what she was yellin'
But she made no sense
And she made Ari tense
So Rummy beat her till she screamed it was Orwellian.

Why do we let Helen be seen?
Her chromosomes are missing a gene.
Her agenda is all
That she seems to recall
And she thinks she is writing a zine.

There once was a writer named Thomas
Who had a small problem with commas
She once wrote one so small
It was not seen at all
Her colon though - that was enomas

(Now I'm ashamed of myself)

Helen Thomas, you ugly old bag
you're a tired and crusty old hag
in re: current events
you've got no common sense
and you're not even good for a shag