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purple pasta clinging to the sticky walls of splendidness

"Something slightly profound if not downright splendid about this photo is right this moment hurling long hot strands of partially cooked pasta of meaning up against the purple glimmering walls of your subconscious to see if it sticks which in turn relates the message to your slippery awareness that everything you think you know for sure is probably wrong and that's usually a very good thing." - Mark Morford, in his Daily Fix email.

Here's your job. To rewrite what Mark meant to say in ten words or less, without using the words pasta or purple.

And then tell me why he has a paying writing job and I don't.

Last part optional.


"This picture refutes whatever you know."

I wonder what the picture is?

I'm guessin' it's a vibrator.

And at 7:30 am, with only one cuppa, I'm not even going to attempt to guess what Moford was trying to say.

But I often wonder why you don't have a paying job as a writer.

"Guns freak me out. Why can't you see that?"

He's a paid writer because he knew someone. Or blew someone. You haven't known or blown the right someone yet. :-)

a. This photo suggests that things aren't always as they seem.

b. For the same reason Hayden Christensen has an acting job, I guess.

I think it means "I would like to stick a gun up my butthole."

And Morford gets paying gigs because he tells the people hiring him what they want to hear.

The gun means violence. The dildo means love. The purple sheet means gay. Violent gay dildo love is the unavoidable conclusion.

Make love not war! No reloading required!

"The trigger guard means it won't slip inside my ass."

Who says he's being paid a worthwhile salary? For all we know, he's being fed leftover boardroom donuts and given a couch to sleep on, as long as he washes his filthy self in the janitor's closet before anyone gets to work in the morning. He pounds out laughable incoherence for a pittance, stale pastry, and a cushion, and the paper gets a few inches of filler that only a handful of assfungus read anyway.

Everyone is happy.

"Mommy! Mommy!"

In four words:

"I'm a dippy gasbag."

He thinks everyone who thinks they know ANYTHING is as ass.And he wants it up the Hershey Hwy while throwing purple, worm -ridden feces at the wall.
As to the pay thing,yeah,you sooooo deserve to be paid.You are one of the most consistenly creative and prolific writers at large.

You know, I think you miss the pure genius of this man. His writing is very similar to those posters where you cross your eyes and see something pop out.

I crossed my eyes and I saw something profound. It read

Photo pasta is everything when sticking against your good mind.

Now, I don't know about you, but that really makes me want to sit back and rethink my position on everything from this War to if Alphabet Soup really is demonic in nature.

"If you can't kill it, fuck it."

The guys ashamed to admit he's a closet redneck and afraid of the combination of sex, guns and monster trucks he really lusts. He's covering his natural urges with really ass-tastic prose.

"I'm Mark. I am a fucking dildo. Please shoot me."

Here’s my take. First, knock out all the adjectives and adverbs, conditions and qualifiers, and dismiss some of the excessive prepositional phrases. Once you do that, you’re left with:

“Something … about this photo is … hurling … meaning … against the … walls of your subconscious to see if it sticks…. [His sentence really ends here.] [This] relates the message to your … awareness that everything you think you know is probably wrong. [New sentence.] That’s usually a good thing.”

Morford is saying: “This photo subconsciously subverts your assumptions about what you know.” [10 words.]

Morford has perhaps returned to his naive idea that if everyone were busy having sex, they wouldn’t be concerned with violence. Dumbass.

"Sex! Violence! No one in history has ever been briliant enough to connect the two! And I, too, am brilliant, because I get it!

Plus, I'm really stoned. Mmmm...pasta."

Gah! I cannot! Following Morford's convoluted reasoning makes my hair hurt.

Gah! I cannot! Following Morford's convoluted reasoning makes my hair hurt.


I really just can't get past the gun-dildo.

Not just ten words -- ten words in a haiku:

This photo. Almost
profound artistic statement.
Pass the lube, baby.

It means, "Snap out of it!".... and the visual is the symbolic slap.

Jeez, you people are way off. It's obvious if your think about it:

You pull the trigger of my Love gun.

What else could it be?

"What you see ain't always what you get."

But that wouldn't make the word quota for his editor, which is why you're not writing professionally.

geeliz nailed it.

Actually, I've seen this prose on Morford's site before, accompanied by a completely innocuous, as far as I could tell, photo of two men. No, they were not doing anything funny, or really anything at all.

My conclusion at the time was, "I'll bet he says the same thing about toast."

A) I think it means, "I'm a pompous poseur who found what I think is a cool picture."
B) There is no reason that you aren't a paid writer. Get out there and submit stuff. C'mon, this is America. Think about it, a robot who failed out of divinity school can be 500 votes short of the presidency, anything is possible.

(To be said in Homer Simpson's voice)

"Guns.... cool,"