« michael moore is a big fat asshat! | Main | this just in... »

playing nice: something besides war to do on your monday

You all are pissing me off.

No matter what I write about, it gets turned into an argument in the comments. I posted a picture of waving kitties last night and I had to delete three comments!

It's Monday and I'm not going to take that crap anymore. So I'll make you a deal. I'll keep my warblogging over here, if you keep your argumentive war comments out of this post, ok?

I'm going to make this real easy for you, by repeating something I did last year, at the request of a reader whose email I lost but whom I will give credit to if she just raises her hand.

It was called "I Used To Believe," and it was a fun post and a pleasure to read the comments. So we are going to spend Monday on that, and the first person who writes "I used to believe in a world without war" or anything to do with Bush, Iraq or the sort, will get their ass kicked and then will be blamed by everyone when I start warblogging over here again. Got it?

Proceed to the rest of the entry and don't piss me off. Thank you.

Originally posted on October 13, 2002:

and babies come from the garden

Funny I should come across this site, I Used to Believe, just days after I had a conversation at work about that very thing.

When I look back at the things I used to believe when I was a child, I finally realize why I am such a cynic and a skeptic. Everything I once thought was the truth was either a lie or some ridiculous notion made up in my head.

When I was a wee, wee child, I thought that there were tiny musicians who lived inside the stereo speakers and played songs for us. As I got a little older, I realized how silly this was. So I then convinced myself that the bands that were playing on the radio were actually at the radio station, playing the songs live. It boggled my mind when I tried to figure out how they could get from one radio station to another so fast. Shortly after that, I received my first record player and figured out that David Cassidy had somehow stuck his voice on that piece of black vinyl and he was not, to my dissapointment, inside my speakers or in my house.

I believed that God had nothing to do all day but sit up on a cloud with a notebook and pen, recording every single one of my misdeeds. At night, he would read the list off to my mother so she could punish me accordingly. How else would my mother have known that it was me who spilled her bingo chips down the toilet bowl?

I believed that God's punishments were always of the physical nature. A cold sore, especially one on my tongue, was a punishment for lying or saying a bad word. If I fell and scraped my knee or had some other minor injury, it was because I did something to offend God.

I believed if I stepped on a crack I would indeed break my mother's back.

I believed that if I stepped on an ant, it would rain.

I believed that somewhere, in some strange country, it really did rain cats and dogs. Then I took that one step further and figured that's where cats and dogs came from and there was someone at the pet adoption place that would watch the weather in that strange country and when it rained there, he would go and collect the cats and dogs in a big bucket and bring them back here to sell to kids.

I believed that thunder was the angels bowling and lightning happened when one of the angels got a strike. I never believed that rain was God crying, but I did believe my neighbor Frankie when he told me that rain was God peeing.

I believed that when a woman wanted a baby, all she had to do was fill out an application at the hospital and they would give her a pill that made a baby grow in her belly. I believed that Frankie was lying when he told me that babies came out of a woman's vagina. I even laughed at him.

I believed that if I got a splinter and didn't take it out right away, it would travel in my blood right to my heart and pierce it.

I would never say that "now I lay me down to sleep" prayer because I believed it was like asking for death.

I believed that when you drove past a cemetery, you had to hold your breath or the living dead would come and get you.

I once believed that I could use a rock in the middle of a lake at Bear Mountain to sail to the Statue of Liberty. Of course, that had to do with more with drugs than with reality.

I used to believe that a person was alloted only so many words they could speak out loud in their lifetime and I would probably run out of words before I died. That's when I began writing my thoughts down instead of speaking them.

I used to believe my action figures came alive at night. Oh, I still do.

I used to believe that 40 was old.

What did you believe?


I used to believe that there would someday be this incredible network of connectivity, allowing millions of people around the world to communicate instantly, sharing opinions, pictures, and...

What? Oh...right. Damn, I love the internet.

Yeah, but I'll bet the waving kitties were actually cleverly-disguised anti-war protesters.... ;0)

WHAT??? I can't believe you would do something like that. This is obviously proof that the commies have infected you thought patterns, and you've left the VRWC!!!!!

Wah??? OH, sorry...I need coffee now.

Amen amen amen!!

I used to believe that angels really did sit in the clouds and watch over me and that if you followed the rainbow until the end you'd see a pot of gold.

I used to believe that snow was of the same consistency as whipped cream. -I had only seen it on the Smurfs, okay? I remember it snowing (sort of) all of nearly once, in Baton Rouge... It floated down to about a foot off of the ground, and then turned to water for that final 12 inches. Yes, it was snowing where my feet were, and snowing at my head.
It was not until my family moved to Fairfax, Va. that I found out that snow is actually cold, and wet. I liked it. It didn't taste a thing like whipped cream. Or like Smurfs.

I used to believe David Cassidy was in your speakers, too. He sure as hell wasn't coming near any of mine!

Speaking of kittens. Our Merlin has decided that if we can pet him, he can pet us. He'll climb up on the chair back, or up to the top of the bed, and pat our hair repeatedly. No claws, just pat, pat, pat.

When I was a kid, I was utterly amazed at how my father's window fan could be directed outward, and the breeze from the fan would go all the way around the apartment building and come in the other window.

It was only later on that I understood the concept behind suction and vaccuums.

(I love typing "vaccuum." Not too many words with double u's, and only one following double c's.)

Pain is only weakness leaving the body. Hang in there. Magnificent work putting Command Post together. It kicks the camel's ass.


"Always Out Front"

I believe that this is not an argument. It is just a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

I used to believe that if you didn't pick your feet up off the floor when passing over a railroad crossing in the car, your toes would get stuck on the tracks and you'd be pulled right out of your seat.

I used to believe I'd be safe from the monster under the bed if I slept with my head under the covers, but if so much as a toe poked out, the monster'd get me for sure.

I used to believe that 50 was old.

I used to believe that pickles and cucumbers came from two different plants, that french fries were made by piping mashed potatoes into crispy little potato tubes (sort of like potato sausages, I guess...), and that there were people under my bed, waiting to grab my ankles as I got into bed at night.

Actually, I haven't really let go of the grabbing my ankles bit. Heh.

I used to think that my grandma's pantry magically spawned things like cookies and juice boxes....

That people ordered babies from the hospital...like how people ordered pizzas.

That clothes were created by someone taking a pencil and drawing a sketch, then putting it into a big machine where it magically made the clothes.

i used to believe i was related to the Kennedys and the Flintstones - til i was 10

(my family had a few houses in w. palm beach and we also had a gravel pit.)

I used to believe that one day I would be happy.

I used to believe that achieving wealth and status were the most important and satisfying things in the world. And then 6 months ago my son was born, and everything changed. Don't get me wrong- I'm still into wealth and status, but they're further down the list, and for much different reasons. Now I want them mostly so I can make life better for him, not for me.

I use to believe that if a woman didn't give birth to children, they gave birth to puppies.

(Aunt Lorane and Uncle Ted had lots of dogs, but no kids.)

I used to believe:

That given a choice, people do the right thing. Now I know that given a choice, people do the easy thing.

That your friends care about you and wish you well. Now I know that friends secretly ( and sometimes not so secretly) wish you fail.

You reap what you sow. No, you reap what you know.

That salt-water taffy was made with salt-water.

Headcheese was cheese.

"I used to believe that a person was alloted only so many words they could speak out loud in their lifetime and I would probably run out of words before I died. That's when I began writing my thoughts down instead of speaking them."

Uh..Michele, I don't know how to tell you this...but I've researched this subject and written words count. You've been posting an awful lot lately...may want to make sure that your affairs are in order..

I used to believe that I could be ANYTHING I WANTED when I grew up...

...and then I tried being a firetruck and realized that I had been mislead.

What's this? A kinder, gentler ASV?

I used to believe that elevators ate people. I would watch people walk into them in department stores or something and the doors would shut and when they opened again the people were gone--but sometimes it spit out different people it must not of liked the taste of. I thought Joe Namath sang the song Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head. I also thought God wrote down everything I did that was bad, but I have since found out that He would rather bury those sins in the bottom of the sea, and it's just the priests or preachers that want to hold them over my head for some ulterior motive or reason. I thought my mother bugged our house and could hear and see stuff I did when she was gone. I thought the President lived in a little house across the street from the White House (my brother tricked me on that one). I thought that manequin's were real people and had to stand real still all day for their job (brother again). I thought that wrestling was real. That all White Houses were the White House as the President probably traveled around a lot and needed places to stay. I thought that people had to drink coffee on coffee breaks and of course that monsters lived in my closets but that they would be good if I left them a piece of bread.

By the way, I am sure you know or someone has mentioned it already...there is a website for this sort of thing called I Used to Believe.

I used to believe that if I did or thought bad things the devil would come up through the floor and take me back with him. I think this came from my mother and religious teachers saying 'when you're bad or even thinking bad thoughts you are inviting satan into your life'. To me that meant the dude was coming through the floor/wall/ceiling for sure. Real healthy stuff there!

Here is a confession of sorts....my girls are only a year apart in age and were 3 and 4 yrs. old at the time they would get into all kinds of mischief together. For several days they were fixated on the front door bell and would ring it till I would have to get after them to stop. As soon as they thought I wasn't around they would ring the bell and giggling all the while. Finally, after two full days of door bell I told them that if you ring someones door bell too much it will make their house catch on fire and the only reason why ours hadn't is because while they were ringing I was blowing out the fire in the little box on the wall. They stopped ringing the bell and wouldn't ring anyones door bell for several years after that till they were old enough to know I was full of sh#%. I am a bad bad parent....surprised the devil didn't come out of the floor and get me.

I used to believe that I could die choking on a fish bone if my mom didn't remove all of them before I ate my fish.

I used to believe that I would find a pot of gold if I could find the end of the rainbow

I used to believe that if I stuck my arm out of the window of the car while we were traveling down the highway (remember, before there was A/C in cars?) that someone would come by with a knife and cut my arm off (my mom used to tell me that I'd "get my arm cut off" if I stuck it out the window)LOL!

Thanks! This was fun!

I used to believe that turning off the television would stop the current program, and that turning it on later, you could continue where you left off. I have no idea why I thought that. Apparently I never paid attention to the fact that the program never did do that.

I also used to believe that if you castrated a boar, he could only produce male pigs. Dad tried to give me the "birds and the bees" talk to straighten me out, but I was even more confused afterwards.

I used to believe that if you drank milk with a tuna fish sammich, you'd die.

vacuum doesn't have two c's.

I used to believe the one about your arm getting cut off if you stuck it ouf ot a car window, too. snicker I used to believe that ice and water were 2 different things, I used to believe that my aunt was the witch from Hansel and Gretel (she cooked a LOT of pies and cakes) and that I had to run from the kitchen after finishing a meal or else she'd cook me, I used to believe that ice cream soup (which was just liquified ice cream) was marketable and I'd planned to open a resturaunt selling just that. I used to believe that there were aligators under my bed and literal skeletons in my closet. I used to believe that cursive was nothing more than elaborate scribbles and would thus fill an entire notebook with scribbles and then display my "cursive".
I was a weird kid. XD;

I used to believe that if I cussed, my father would hear it, no matter how far away from me he was.

I used to believe in the tooth fairy.

I used to believe (oh I can't believe I'm going to tell you all this one) that the song "You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman" was about a person who had had that surgery (I think I can safely blame this one on Renee Richards).

I used to believe that one day I would be famous.

i used to believe that if I opened the refrigerator, before my parents were up, it would shoot through the ceiling and dissappear forever.

this resulted in saturday morning breakfasts that consisted of mounds of dry Freakies cereal--we'd be wired out of our heads

and that if we went into the living room before we woke our parents on Christmas morning all our presents would vanish.

which caused these hideously violent games of 'chicken' while waiting for our parents to put on bathrobes and get cameras ready. We never wondered why THEIR presents didn't vanish

These odd beliefs were fostered by my father who used distortions of reality to both control and entertain

I am pretty sure that the one about the refrigerator was a direct result of the raw hod dog incident. Remember those cartoons when characters faces would get all puckered from eating alum? Did you know there was alum in hot dogs?

Well, my brother and I do....

I used to believe that people who worked in daycare (and I was one of them for 10 years so I have a lot of experience and frame of reference) really cared about children, really put their needs above things like profit and convenience. I did, after all, and I treated their kids as if they were my own. It's not the case these days.

The only thing I believe in right now is a child's smile after wiping away his tears.

I used to believe that if any part of my body hung off of the bed alligators would bite it off. I used to have to be completely covered too even on very hot summer days I'd at least have a sheet over me. I don't have to be covered any more, but I still have a hard time letting parts of my body hang off the edge of the bed.

I used to believe that if I was in the bathtub when I started letting the water out that a dragon inside the plumbing would stick it's tongue out the drain and grab me. I also believed that people did this all the time, letting it get it's tongue out there and then chopping off it's tongue. The tongue was then turned into... toilet paper!

What can I say, I was a weird kid.

I used to believe that if I prayed hard enough, anything I wanted would happen. Mostly I used to pray really hard whenever we were driving home from somewhere that there would be a big bag of toys on the front porch when we got home.

(For some strange reason I always invisioned the toys being in a big black garbage bag. I have no idea why.)

I used to believe that if I moved too fast in my courderoy pants they would burst into flames. Wait, that's probably true.

I used to believe that permed hair would look cute on me. (Oh dear, how wrong I was!)

I used to believe that my grandma could hear everything that happened in and around her house.

I used to believe that the "STOP - All Way" signs at 4 way stops were written specifically for my dad, who was a big fan of the rolling stop.

The most obvious "I used to believe" is that I used to believe that most people in the world were now sane and that we didn't need wars.... and other used-to-believes that date back to pre 9/11, but I think you specifically wanted to avoid that sort of topic.

Sigh but its all I can come up with. I used to believe that peace protesters were infinitely wiser than everyone else.

I used to belive that if you ran really fast, you could get to your bed and get under the covers before the room got dark when you turned off the light- I know now you would have to run REAL fast! I used to belive that if you didn't tell someone you loved them when they were leaving, then you would lose them forever- and I think I still believe that one. I used to believe that people loved to be Americans- and now I realize that some people just love to complain, that nothing will ever be right or good enough and they believe that their views are more important than others. I used to believe that college students and professors were open-minded to different ideas- but now I know they are only open-minded to ideas and people like that are like them and agree with them.

I used to believe that the sound of thunder was actually God moving furniture.

I used to believe that the U.S. government cared about the people. I used to believe in the tooth fairy, evidenced by a little stain that looked like a footprint on my sheet. I used to have to be covered up, too, only it was vampires that would bite me. No veins could be exposed. I used to believe the world was hollow under the sidewalk. I used to believe I could see atoms which were really the floaters in my eyes.

The first time I saw a wanted poster I thought the guy's name was BOLO, Then I saw a few more of these posters so I thought this was a master of disguise and a really bad criminal. Eventually I heard a police officer say be on the lookout and I figured it out.