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a joke walks into a blog...

The coming days will wrought with war and discord. Let's have some fun while it's still in vogue.

Zuly, who is celebrating her birthday today, sent along the most retarded jokes I ever read in my life. Of course, I cracked up for an hour. The first two went like this:

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

Now, you are going to make your own. Because I said so and I need some entertainment.

Like: A font walks into a bar.
The bartenders says: "Hey, we don't serve your type in here!"

Or:
A mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hey, you look like a fun guy!"

Come on. Humor me.

Comments

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Why the long face?"

Ok, this is long but here we go.

A Chemical Dependency councilor walks into a bar and asks the bartender "May I use your bar for an experiment by placing a fly into your customers beer?" The bartender allows the experiment.

the first gentlement walks into the bar and orders a beer. When he sees the fly he replies "Hey, there's a fly in my Beer!" and asks for another. The CD councilor replies: "Nope, not an alcoholic"

Another gentlement walks into the bar. He too recieves a beer with a fly in it. He takes the fly out and continues to drink. The cd Councilor replies "Borderline"

Then yet another customer walks into the bar to recieve a beer with a fly in it. He looks at the fly picks it out and starts flicking it with his finger yelling " Spit it out you little fucker! Spit it out!"

And thats the only " a guy walks into a bar " joke I can remember right now that doesn't involve a horse.

So I told these to my daughter and she said:

"A guy walks into a bar. Ouch"

"A Frenchwoman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The bartender says, "HEY! You can't bring that pig in here." The Frenchwoman says, "Excuse me...but that's a duck." The bartender says back, "Excuse ME, but I was talking to the duck."

Okay, a few more from my kid:

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

----

A magician walked down the street and turned into a bar.

----

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Get out of here. We don't serve your kind in here."

So the rope goes outside and rolls around on the pavement, scuffing himself up well, then ties himself into a knot.

He goes back into the bar. The bartender looks him up and down and says "Aren't you the rope I threw out of here a few minutes ago?"

The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Get that kid a blog!

A piece of tarmac walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'One for the road?'

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "That'll be $2."
The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

Ha! That quacked me up...

A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We have a drink here named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Bob?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

OK, I'll stop now.

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra ...

A purple snake and a pink elephant walk into a bar. The bartender looks up, and says "You're early. He's not here yet."

A man walks into a bar and sees a giraffe tending bar. He stares, and continues staring, until the animal asks "What, you never saw a giraffe tending bar before?"
The man replies, "No, it's not that. I just never thought the rhino would sell the place."

Bob the grasshopper walks into a bar.

Barman: hey we have a drink named after you

Bob the Grasshopper : really!! why would you have a drink named Bob ?

I'm glad I didn't stop you, Michele!

This is my favorite:

A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A drunk walks out of a bar and proceeds to be violently sick all over a Chihuahua.

The drunk looks down and says, "Hey, I don't remember eatin' that!"

I don't know any bar jokes, but here's some other ones:

Did you hear about the cannibal ice hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.

What's the difference between a truckload of dead badgers and a truckload of bowling balls? You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

From my dad's wonderfully male sense of humor:

A giraffe walks into a bar and announces, "The high balls are on me!"

Well, this is a package deal, and not related to bars, but good if you want to serve up a string of bad elephant jokes:

How do you get 4 elephants into a Volwagen Bug?
2 in the front, 2 in the back

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming down the path?
"Here come the elephants down the path."

How can you tell if an elephant broke into your house?
The front door is open.

How can you tell if 2 elephants broke into your house?
The front door and back door are open.

How can you tell if 3 elephants broke into your house?
The front door, back door and window are open.

How can you tell if 4 elephants broke into your house?
There's a Volkswagen parked outside.

Oho! Bad Bar Jokes, eh? Well, have my favorite:

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a club sandwich and a beer. A few minutes later, the waiter brings the items to his table. The panda downs the sandwich in a single swallow, drains the beer in similar fashion, whips out a Glock and shoots the waiter, then gets up and heads for the exit.

The bartender, of course, has noticed. He yells, "Hey, what is this? You order a meal, wolf it down, kill my waiter and then take off without paying?"

The panda shrugs and says, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up."

So the bartender does exactly that:

"panda (pan-da): Large ursinoid marsupial indigenous to the southern reaches of China. Eats shoots and leaves."

A baby seal walks into a club.

A dog walks into a bar amd orders a drink. The barkeep says, "Get out of here! WWE don't serve your kind!" The dog, offended, starts to bristle and growl. But the barkeep grabs a gun and shoots the dog in the leg.
Two days later the dog walks into the bar wearing all black: black hat, black leather jacket, black jeans and a black bandage. He stares at the the people in the bar as it grows grave silent. The barkeep says, "What dio you want?" The dog replies, "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw."

How 'bout some women jokes?

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

What do you do when the dishwaster breaks?

Slap her.

What's the difference between a beer and woman?

When yer done with the beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.

Why don't women wear watches?

There's a clock on the stove.

That's all...gotta go to the Boston St. Pats parade.

Michele, I can tell that I am addicted to your fine work because here I am on vacation checking your site for the goods. I even waited for the painfully slow dial-up connection to load you up.

Hell, I haven't even posted to my own blog.

Anyway, since you stole my fav shroom joke here's my favorite duck joke:

Duck walks into a drug store.
Duck: How much for some Carmex?
Clerk: 69 cents
Duck: Can you just put it on my bill?

Oh and you have all probably heard it before but here's another classic:

A rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind in here."

So the rope walks out, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends. When he walks back into the bar and asks for a drink, the bartender says, "Aren't you the rope that was just in here?"

And the rope says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says,"well I'll be fucked! A talking horse!"

A well-dressed man runs into a bar, grabs the bartender, and asks in a frenzied voice, "Quick, tell me - How tall is a penguin?" The bartender says "What the hell are you talking about?" The man shakes him and asks again, "For god's sake, tell me - how tall is a penguin?" The bartender holds his hands about two feet apart and says "Oh, about so high." The well-dressed man slaps his forehead and shouts "Omigod, I just ran over a nun!"

Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducked...

A leper walked into a bar. The bartender says "How ya doin' Charlie? Ain't seen much of you around lately...."

A man walks into a bar with a dog. He says "This dog can talk and I can prove it."
The bartender doesn't believe him, so the man says, "Rover, what is above our heads?"
The dog says, "Roof, roof."
The bartender rolls his eyes, so the man says, "Rover, what is the texture of sandpaper?"
The dog says, "Ruff, ruff."
The bartender starts to get mad, so the man says, "Rover, what is on the outside of a tree trunk?"
The dog says, "Bark, bark."
The bartender says, "One more like that and I'll throw you out!"
The man says, "Rover, who is the best baseball player of all time?"
The dog says, "Ruth, Ruth."
The bartender throws out the man and the dog. On the sidewalk, Rover says, "Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?"

A gay man walks into a straight bar and announces to the bartender that he is gay. The bartender says he can stay only if he sits at one of the booths and doesn't cause any trouble. His bar is known for the construction workers coming there after hours to relax and he likes it that way and doesn't want his bar's reputation changed.
Later a true Alpha male Adonis-type comes in and orders a beer. Then he says to the bartender "What have you got to eat in this bar? I'm so hungry I could eat a whole cow!"
From the booth, "Oh, moo-moo!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac atheist? He lied awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

Please forgive my spelling.

Couple more from a co-worker:

A lawyer was walking down the street and passed a bar.

----

A Kodiak bear goes into bar and stares at the bartender for a few minutes. Finally, the bartender says "Why the big pause?"

Bad... Very bad!!! I love it!!!! Kept me in stitches all afternoon. Thank you for the welcome distraction :)