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someone left the cake out in the rain

Today we have a combination of ice, hail and a blizzard. At this point, I would happily greet global warming.

Very busy today, no time to do a decent post right now, but I'll leave you with this question for something I'm working on:

Worst. Song lyrics. Ever.

Not the whole song - just the worst, cheesiest, most inane lines from a song that you have ever heard.

This is important to me, I swear.

(there's also a different kind of lyrical challenge in the post below)

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Comments

Maybe not the cheesiest, but the first thing to pop into my head was:

"I saw your face and that's the last I seen of my heeeearrrtttt"

From-You Are the Woman (I've Always Dreamed Of)

The worst song lyrics ever, and this has nothing to do with that tragedy in Rhode Island, but Great Whites song -"Once Bitten, Twice Shy." They are the worst and I must say hysterical lyrics I have ever heard.

"Someone left a cake out in the rain"

Not just a cake, but a cake it took him so long to bake. And we all know what happened to the recipe...

"Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special"
(Dexter Freebish - Last Christmas)

That song is cute but cheesy!

Two that come to mind immediately are the lines from John Mellencamp's "Jack and Diane":

"Dribble off those Bobbie Brooks, let me do what I please", and "Suckin' on a chili dog, outside the Tastee Freeze".

Dribble? I know they love basketball in Indiana, but nobody ever dribbled off anything, except maybe a bib. And the mental picture created by the idea of sucking on a chili dog is repulsive.

Another groaner, this time from those one-year wonders Soul Asylum, from the song "Misery" which appears on the doomed follow-up to Grave Dancers Union:

"They say misery loves company
We could start a company
And make misery, Frustrated Incorporated"

This may not bother 9 and 1/2 out of 10 people, but that "we could start a company..." line make me cringe.

Toss up:

(1) "I feel a hunger...it's a hunger" from Eddie M(ah)oney's Take Me Home Tonight, and

(2) "...catch the spit" from Rush's "Tom Sawyer".

...and the Once Bitten Twice Shy song was written by Ian Hunter, formerly of Mott the Hoople, and what sounded cheesy when sung by Great White did not when sung by its originator. It's all a matter of context.

"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains"

What the fuck are you talking about girly?!

I'm a huge Meat Loaf fan, but Jim Steinman can write some of the cheesiest lyrics and the ones that always comes to mind are from "Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad":

"But you've been cold to me so long I'm crying icicles instead of tears"

"But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box"

Cheesy, YES. But...don't care.
Donna Summer is HOT!

OK, she'd be hotter is she didn't sing disco.

These aren't the worst song lyrics ever, but the title of this post is just BEGGING me to continue the verse...

"...OH no! I was going to eat that cake, but now it's all wet, and I don't think I want any.

We could get married, just the two of us. You could get a job drivin' a school bus. I love you baby, will you marry me?

You don't have to decide right away.

Think it over. Who's it going to hurt?

Where're you going?"

And now that song will be stuck in my head all day. Thanks Michele.

Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy
And I feel like loving you.
Love, you're such a sweet thing
Good enough to eat thing
And I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- 1910 Fruitgum Company

Oh Lord, so many candidates....but the all time winner is "I've Never Been to Me" by Charlene. Who doesn't gag at immortal words like

Please lady, please lady
Don't just walk away
Cause I have this need to tell you
Why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me
Still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart
That has lived million lies

Sigh, Soul Asylum were wonderful long before the over-hyped Grave Dancers Union came out. Hang Time is an outstanding album, for example.

Then somewhere along the way they went off course...

I would have to go with something like Bryan Adams--Everything I do...I do it for you That is so lame. Does that mean when he takes a duke he is doing for her too?

Tin Man by America, who were responsible for a slew of bad songs:

But Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man
That he didn't, didn't already have
And cause never was the reason for the evening
Or the tropic of Sir Galahad
So please believe in me

When I say I'm spinning round, round, round, round
Smoke glass stained bright colors
Image going down, down, down, down
Soapsud green like bubbles

"Cause never was the reason for the evening"?
These guys belong at an anti-war march.

a lot lot lot of stuff by Live...

"puke smell likes beer"

"her placenta falls to the floor" (placenta?? in a slow song? give me a break)

"my brother kicked his feet to sleep
and i sang the dirge song"

and worst of all:

"let's go hang out in a mall, or a morgue,
a smorgasboard
let's go hang out in a church
we'll go find lurch
then we'll haul ass down through the abbey"

All roads lead back to "Seasons in the Sun".
Idea!
For extracting information from Al Kaida, Seasons in the Sun played on an endless loop. Cruel and unusual, you bet.

No, I'm sorry, the worst lyric of all time is by one of the best songwriters of all time, Sir Paul McCartney.

From "Live and Let Die"

"And in these ever-troubled times in which we live in."

Would anyone care to diagram that sentence on the board?

Dexter Freebish didn't write Last Christmas - it was George Michael. Savage Garden even covered it before Dex did (I'm assuming their version was the new one I heard this past Christmas). And I do agree that the lyrics take a dive into some pretty strange territory. Not one of George's best.

"Snow is cold, rain is wet"--Carole King, no less.

I don't think it tops some of those above, but how about

"and no one heard at all, not even the chair" ("I Am, I Said" - Neil Diamond).

Hermetic: In defense of Paul McCartney, I think you got the lyric wrong. As I recall, it was "But if this everchanging world in which we're living..."

Uh, sorry, herm old bud, but the lyric is actually "this ever-changing world in which we're living".

And Joe: my favorite America lyric was in Horse With No Name where they sang "the heat was hot" (snicker snicker)

Hard to beat "Seasons in the Sun", but how about the Oliver classic:

Good morning starshine
The earth says "Hello"
You twinkle above us
We twinkle below
Good morning starshine
You lead us along
My love and me as we sing
Our early morning singing saong
Gliddy glup gloopy
Nibby nabby noopy la la la lo lo
Sabba Sibby sabba
Nooby abba nabba le le lo lo
Tooby ooby walla nooby abba nabba
Early morning singing song

My husband I were laughing about this song last night:
"I love living in the City" Fear

Spent my whole life in the city
Where junk is king and the air smells shitty
People pukin' everywhere
Piles of blood, scabs and hair
Bodies wasted in the street
People dyin' on the street
But the suburban scumbags, they don't care
Just get fat and dye their hair

I love livin' in the city

I just thought of "Lets have War" too.
Gotta. go. download.

I have to vote for "Lawyers in Love" by Christopher Cross. He was once asked what those lyrics mean and his response was, "Nothing man, they're just words in a song."
Although it's pretty honest admitting you don't care about music and only want to make money.
Oh, and anything by Air Supply.
"I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you, how can I believe..." bang.

"Lay lady lay. Lay across my big brass bed."

What was Dylan smoking when he wrote that? Oh yeah... ;)

I can't bring myself to type the actual lyrics since they are so horrible ... the song is by Rick Springfield, and he rhymes "cute" with "moot."

As far as I know, that's the only use of moot in a pop/rock song, and thank God for that.

"Anybody here see the fuzzy-wuzzy lovin' cup explosion?"

-Guess Who, Hand Me Down World

Good mentions all. I'll add that almost any Christmas novelty song usually vies for these honors as well. My nomination would be "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer."

Honorable mention would go to "Disco Duck."

I'm sorry, but all of you are mistaken.

The worst, cheesiest, most inane lines from a song are found in "Kokomo", the Beach Boys' big "comeback hit" from the late 80s:

A brief sample:
Aruba, Jamaica, ooo I wanna take you
To Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama
Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go

Ooo ... I wanna take you down to Kokomo
We'll get there fast
And then we'll take it slow
That's where we wanna go
Way down to Kokomo ...

Port Au Prince I wanna catch a glimpse

Everybody knows
A little place like Kokomo
Now if you wanna go
And get away from it all
Go down to Kokomo ...

Aruba, Jamaica, ooo I wanna take you
To Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama
Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go

Pretty much the entire lyrics to "Bohemian Rhapsody" - too long to include here, but admit it, you know them.

This is from a movie soundtrack - one of the worst movies ever made, "The Adventures of the Wilderness Family":

We live together, work, play, sing our song.
We live our lives the whole day long.

That's all I can remember of the song, and I hope I got that part right. Those words have haunted me for a quarter-century.

"As the big freighters go, it was bigger than most." -- The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

"To worry, worry, super-scurry, call the troops out in a hurry" -- 99 Red Balloons

"It can't be wrong when it feels so right." -- You Light Up My Life (okay, pretty much the entire song on that one)

Pretty much every single lyric of Achy Breaky Heart is a tie for worst ever.

Tim McGraw - "Red Rag Top"

"and the night was as hot as a coal burning stove...
knew it had to last...
we were cooking with gas..."

I don't even need to name the song...

You're motoring
What's your price for flight
In finding Mister Right
You'll be all right tonight

You're all wrong.

Wrong.

The loser is: Kum By A

There can be no doubt. Now make it stop.

Whoa.

Nobody makes fun of "Sister Christian" and gets away with it!

Chris, that song has the distinction of being stuck in my head for at least ten years. It never goes away.

It's become part of me.

No. No. No. The worst song ever, ever, of all time, the cheesiest, hokiest bunch of driveling crap is...Imagine.

imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

Imagine if that song was never written
It isn't hard to do.

How can you argue with...

Love is on a roll
Love is on a good good roll

..in any contest of the worst lyrics?

Here's a winner from GWAR, the kings of the great shitty song!

Time for Death

Sun goes down, bodies on the ground. Swollen
with pus, I shall further expound. As the
vultures swirl, the batons twirl. We've come
for your entrails. And now it's time for death.
And now it's time, Death's mime is rhymed...
Sun comes up bloody pulp. People of your
planet all writhe in muck. Life's a piece of shit,
you are living it. You deserve no less than death.
Time for death, it's to the left. I've gotta smash
my chin 'till I gotta cleft. Time for death, there's
nothing left. I'm gonna rape your world, gonna go
suck cock...And now it's time for death. Your
nipples, expose your breasts. I'll burrow deep into
your chest...Ahh
There's no sun, just a human slum. Leaders
of your people acting really dumb. Flies with
the eyes, guys with the thighs, keeping a watch
on Bilko's pies...
And now it's time for DEATH...

Anything from Linkin Park.

'He starts to shake and cough
Just like the old man in that book by Nabakov...'

Police: Don't Stand So Close To Me

(It's the rhyme that gets me.)

For Ryan:

Ever hear Weird Al's take on "Achy Breaky Heart"? Hysterical:

You can torture me with Donnie and Marie
You can some Barry Manilow
Or you can play some schlock like New Kids on the Block
Or any Village People song you know
Or play Vanilla Ice, hey you can play him twice
And you can play the Bee Gees any day
But Mister Deejay, please, I'm beggin on my knees
I just can't take no more of Billy Ray

Don't play that song, that Achy Breaky song
The most annoying song I know
And if you play that song, that Achy Breaky song
I might blow up my radio.

Ken, no fair. Now I actually have to like some aspect of that song.

Depending on the day, I alternate between being enamored or disgusted with a lyric from one of my favorite songs, Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road" :

"You ain't a beauty, but hey, you're all right."

In other words, you've got two tits, a hole and a heartbeat. Gee thanks. ;)

Anybody ever hear the song "Bright Elusive Butterfly of Love"?

Believe me, that's a stinker. While rebuilding our house with my dad we had to listen to the oldies station and that one came on. He insists it's just to 'deep' for me. I insist it's just 'crap'. I believe a sample line is...

Don't be alarmed now
it will not hurt you
(something something)
it's the bright elusive butterfly of loooooove

I have since paraphrased it much to my amusement with

don't be alarmed now
penicillin cures that
it's the dull and common dungbeetle of lust

he hates when I sing that.

Dawn, I think breathing is optional for some...

OK, a few more:
Fish heads, fish heads, rolly poly fish heads.
Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yum!

Or who can forget the Fugs? (as much as I sometimes try)
Do you like boobs a lot?
(Yes, I like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Really like boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)

File under great song, but the lyrics?!?
Louie Louie
Oh no, me gotta go.
Louie Louie
Oh baby, me gotta go.

I would leave out
They're coming to take me away, ha ha
But I can't get the damn thing out of my head now...

I love They Might be Giants, but
I'm your only friend
I'm not your only friend
but I'm a little glowing friend
but really I'm not actually your friend
but I am
has to rank pretty near the bottom.

And as much as I like Sleater Kinney, their release last year had the most insulting lyrics that I take exception to (file under f-ed up views of 9/11):
Why can't I get along with you?
And the president hides
while working men rush in

"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" always does it for me:

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, honey,
don't you know that I love you?
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, baby,
don't you know that I'll always be true?

Oh, won't you come with me
and take my hand?

Oh, won't you come with me
and walk this land?

Please take my hand!

And Hey! what about this one:

CRYSTAL BLUE PERSUASION
Look over yonder what do you see
The sun is a-risin' most definitely
A new day is comin' people are changin'
Ain't it beautiful crystal blue persuasion

Better get ready gonna see the light
Love, love is the answer and that's all right
So don't you give up now so easy to find
Just look to your soul and open your mind

Crystal blue persuasion, mm-hmm
It's a new vibration
Crystal blue persuasion, crystal
Blue persuasion

Maybe tomorrow when He looks down
Every green field and every town
All of his children every nation
There'll be peace and good brotherhood

Crystal blue persuasion
Crystal blue persuasion.....

Eeeeuuuuwww...I don't feel too pretty good right now.

The first one that popped into my mind was In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

My own personal favorite is that song by Hootie and the Blowfish that I think is called "I only want to be with you." I always leave the horrible song on the radio long enough to get to the line where he sings: "and the dolphins make me cry" so that I can cringe and change the station.

How about Heart's "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You"?

"I told him, 'I am the flower,
You are the seed.
We walked in the garden,
We planted a tree.

Don't try to find me,
Please don't you dare.
Just live in my memory,
You'll always be there.'"

That note would be enough to stay away forever and a day!

Thats not funny about "global warming". I think people should do more things to help improve nature, like giving monkeys foot massages or something.

ANYTHING by America would qualify for this category. As would anything by Barry Maniblow. Who's followed closely by Neil Diamond.

What the hell? 55 comments in and no mention of the always ghastly "We Built This City"?

Someone's always playing corporation games
Who cares they're always changing corporation names
We just want to dance here, someone stole the stage
They call us irresponsible, write uf off the page

Ma Coley plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don't you remember
We built this city, we built this city on rock an' roll

Honorable mention to Hall and Oates' "Manaeater".

Jeezus Keerist. I was going to post something, but all the work has been done. There's enough earworm material here to damage me for a year.

Fontroll, the missing lines are:

It's only me, pursuing something I'm not sure of.
Across my dreams, with nets of wonder,

Ok. Time to haul out the big gun:

It's a small world, after all ...

Close your freakin italics tags, people!

theyy're just making their comments as annoying as possible, just like the lyrics to these songs...its sort of like a blog special effect.

"Private Eye" by The Alkaline Trio:

I dragged this lake looking for corpses
Dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards
Pieces of planes and black box recorders
Don't lie
And I've been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses
That sense DNA on barbed wire fences
Maybe someday I'll find me a suspect
That has no alibi
New Year's Eve was as boring as heaven
I watched flies fuck on channel 11
There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink
Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink
And there's no ring on the phone anymore
There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor
Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
And I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And at the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
Saying "I love cops" for anyone but me
Your private eye

.... first time I heard it I wanted to shit my pants and throw them at my stereo.

I can't decide between,

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing
On the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
If helps to think we're sleeping
Underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there
If love can see us through
Then we'll be together
Somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

Or,

She's my cherry pie
Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise
Taste so good
Make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie

Ok...the cheesiest lyrics award goes to the Donnas for the song Drivin' Thru My Heart

I went to the doctor kinda sorta
What's wrong with me
I got skidmarks on my aorta
And there's no remedy

I dunno...any lovesick song talking about aorta's has to win in my book.

This is rather contemporary, but Incubus in their originally titled "Wish You Were Here"...

Especially the line: "The sky resembles a back-lit canopy with holes punched in it."

or

"The world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in..."

Sounds like rejects from a ninth grade English assignment on simile and metaphor.

Then there's Journey...
"She loves to move, she loves to groove, She love's the lovin' things..."

Or Rush...
The entire song "Red Barchetta"

a country song by god-knows-who:

"she thinks my tractor's sexy."

and beastie boys:

"mess with me and you gonna get whopped"

eeeeeeeeeey...i'm already italian...now
what, Punk?!%*)(*&!?

That's easy. The Cheeky Girls.

Come and smile
don't be shy
touch my bum
this is life

I think/it's gonna be alright
Yeah/the worst is over now
The mornin' sun is shinin'
Like a red rubber ball

But you have to do the hokey organ riff in your head to get the proper effect. They were fine as a backup band for Simon & Garfunkel, but that's where they should have stayed... let Paul write some real lyrics.

I can think of a hundred things a red rubber ball would do before it shone like the rising sun...

Oh, that was by The Cyrkle -- a name that's easy to forget.

i stopped listening to metallica when i heard a song on the radio that contained these words:

excuse me while i tend to how i feel

from james hetfield, no less. the man who seeks and destroys for a full 30 minutes every concert.

and that stupid song by some band i hate that goes

pardon me while i burst
into flames

i also highly recommend "so fine", penned by gn'r bassist duff mckagan:

when the lights went down in your house
yeah that made me happy
the sweat i make for you
i think you know where that comes from
guitar, c'mon!

that song also has far too much deep sighing in it.

All I can say is Bonnie Tyler. Who can ever forget Total Eclipse of the Heart:

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

Also my 2nd most despised song - Holding Out for a Hero:

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night toss and turn and dream of what I need

Both of these song bring an instant powerful flash of irrational anger to me. Overblown 80s shlock.

In the rolling mist, then he gets on board, now there'll be no turning back
Beware that hooded old man at the rudder.
And then the lightning flashed and the thunder roared,
and people calling out his name,
And dancing bones that jabbered-and-a-moaned on the water.

And then the ferryman said "There is trouble ahead,
So you must pay me now."
(Don't do it!)
"You must pay me now."
(Don't do it!)
And still that voice came from beyond, whatever you do;

Don't pay the ferryman!
Don't even fix a price!
Don't pay the ferryman
Until he gets you to the other side.

Chris de Burgh, "Don't Pay the Ferryman" (1982)

Nothing could be worse than the self-styled "troubadour's" work. Some think "Lady in Red" is actually more awful, and they may have a point, but I value "Don't Pay" for all its Ren-Faire/Dungeons and Dragons earnestness.

Be sure to check out his official web-site where you can answer the poll question "Is Chris de Burgh your favorite artist? Second favorite? Third favorite?"

ok explain this. shania twain, shes soooo, uh, deep....

youre a fine piece of real estate and im gonna get me some land, yeah

god her lyrics in most of her songs suck!

Hey Rene, what about the lyric in that other Shania song something about "I can't even grow a beard" gimme a break! that is just filler. You know she and her gay hubby Mutt sit around and go, "ok, what else rhymes with that. Oh! What about beard!" And then they write the stupidest songs ever. It's crap, I tell ya!

I can accept something like "Who's bed have your boots been under" because that is just corny country, but when Shania starts writing lyrics about being pissed because she can't even grow a beard....no, I'm sorry. It's time to turn in the pencil.

Later Ne

im gonna getcha baby
im gonna getcha good
im gonna getcha sweetheart
im gonna knock on wood -- oh!
yeah ee yeah ee yeah (a yodle perhaps?)

I'm confused....it started out cheesy = randomly stuck in your head...progressed to cheesy = love song, and ended up cheesy = pointless....so:

randomly stuck ~ "You've Got a Friend"
love song ~ "When I Fall in Love
pointless ~ "Rock Lobster"

" We were at the beach
everbody had matching towels
somebody went under a dock
and there they saw a rock
it wasn't a rock!
it was a rock lobster!!"

I guess that should have been the randomly stuck...because it is now...meh.

one of the most unusual songs i've ever heard is Randy Travis' "Diggin up Bones'
you've got to be kidding with a lyrics like
"I'm diggin up bones
Exhuming things that's better left alone
I'm resurrecting memories of a love that's dead and gone" pretty good huh?

I can't believe no one has mentioned:

We had joy, we had fun.
We had seasons in the sun.
But the stars we could reach
Were just starfish on the beach...

The rest of the song (Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks) was even worse. I believe it was a Rod McCuen poem set to music. I consider it the worst pop song ever written.

Can't believe no one mentioned the James Brown Classic:
This is a man's world
This is a man's world
But it wouldn't be nothing
Nothing without a woman or a girl
You see man made the car
To take us over the road
Man made the train
To carry the heavy load
Man made the electric light
To take as out of the dark
Man made the boat for the water
Like Noah made the ark
This is a man's man's man's world
But it wouldn't be nothing
Nothing without a woman or a girl

its retarded

You forgot...
When the moooooon hits your eye
like a big piiiiiza pie, that's amore.

That's not amore, that's asuckin'.

How about anything by the Monkeys

Another pleasant valley sunday etc
Cheer up sleepy jeanie was she on downers/

"just the worst, cheesiest, most inane lines from a song that you have ever heard..."

Gotta be "Torn Between Two Lovers", which is heinously sung in addition to being inane and cheesy -

There's been another man that I've needed and I've loved
But that doesn't mean I love you less
And he knows you can't possess me and he knows he never will
There's just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill

How about the Frank Zappa Classic "Magdalena"

There was a man, a little old man, who lived in Montreal
With a wife and a car, and a kid and a house
and a teenage daughter with a see-through blouse

....uh forget it, it's damned brilliant