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It's Mark Moford time!

Mark Morford + bottle of tequila = fun for me, really long post for you to read. If you get through to the end I'll give you a dollar.

Today, Mark tells us what conservatives hate. Now, I may not be a full-fledged conservative myself, though I am pretty close, but I know an awful lot of them. (Yes, some of my best friends are conservatives!)

What makes everyone from harmless GOP dittoheads to ultra-right-wing nutjobs full of rage and hiss and homophobia and blind jingoism roll their eyes and throw up their hands and scamper for their Bibles for reassurance that life is still repressed and we're still going to war and Dubya is still smackin' 'round the envurment along with them wimmin and homosekshuls and furriners?

Yes, this man - like Ted Rall - gets paid to write third grade level schtick.

Why, hippie crap, of course. New-age babble about love and peace and godless pagan prayer, organic foods and sustainable trees and chakras, divinity and luscious goddesses and soul paths and upping your personal vibration to counter all the venomous hatred slinging about the culture like some sort of conservative, fearmongering weapon of mass depression. Man, they just hate that.

Ah, godless pagan prayer. Hey, I'm an atheist! How can I possibly be a warmonger if I'm an atheist? That does not fit into Morford's thin categorization of pro-war type people. As for upping my personal vibration, that reminds me. I'm out of batteries.

The incessant drive to war, the blank-eyed young soldiers, the drab oil fields, the terse U.N. debates, Rumsfeld's ink-black eyes, the violence and 9/11 and Osama in hiding, Saddam's sneering and Shrub's smirking and Dick Cheney's defibrillator cranking on 11 -- these events are considered "real," they are tangible and raw and ugly and happening right now and we've got the pictures to prove it, all over the media, grainy and grim and mean, CNN and Fox News and frowning pundits and 100-point newspaper headlines, so you know it must be true.

Ok, even I - a veteran Morford translator - cannot understand what he is saying there. Wait - I only believe 9/11 was real because I read it in the paper? That can't possibly be what he is saying. It's time call on some real translation powers here. Let's run that paragraph through the Ali G. translator:

da incessant drive to war, da blank-eyed young soldiers, da drab oil fields, da terse u.n. debates, rumsfeld's ink-black eyes, da violence and 9/11 and osama in idin, saddam's sneerin and shrub's smirkin and dong cheney's defibrillata crankin on 11 -- these events is considered "real," dey is tangible and raw and mingin and appenin right now and we've got da pictures to prove it, all ova da media, grainy and grim and mean, cnn and lady news and frownin pundits and 100-point newspapa eadlines, so yous know it must be true.

Still don't get it, but it sounds much more coherent this way. At least I can get a chuckle out of it without digging out my Liberals for Dummies book.

Then there's you, walking through your daily life right now, eating and laughing and screwing and paying rent and thinking for yourself, filtering the onslaught and trying to remain connected to something divine and universal and authentic, all while straining to put this national trend toward violence and warmongering into some sort of acceptable frame.

Who, me? I have a great frame to put this trend towards warmongering in. It's in the shape of the World Trade Center. Inside that frame is a picture of Iraqi children sitting in a dank, dirty prison. And hey, some of us screw to pay the rent. Well, at least that's what happened in Naughty Girls IV.

You are not "real" in this same way. This is the feeling. Your experience is somehow irrelevant; what you do and how you maneuver this daily treachery is an insignificant side note to the big ugly daily political machinations because hey, it's war. It's the Big Boys. Angry White Men with very serious penis issues. All that matters is the machine, and the money, and the oil, and the WMD and the drumbeat rhetoric.

Huh? Sorry, I got distracted by the word penis.

Which is, of course, utter BS. Here is what conservatives hate most: the idea that you really can, and do, make a difference. That you, hopefully working to align yourself with something deeper and more informed and perhaps not exactly Christian, or corporate, not exactly lockstep mainstream flag-waving God-fearing asexual consumer drone, you can affect the world, directly, right now, in ways you might not even realize, in ways that make them tremble and wince, in how much you laugh and love and eat and sleep and screw and breathe and in how deeply you penetrate into the soul's raison d'etre. But you gotta work at it. And it ain't easy. See? Fluffy new-age crap. They really hate that.

Ah, I see. Conservatives don't screw or laugh. All conservatives are Christian and corporate. And all conservatives just HATE people who are happy. Because, damn it, we are all sour, unhappy, dark souls.

I got news for Mark. Laughing and loving and eating and fucking are not fluffy-new age things. Crystals and Yanni, those are fluffy new age thing. But right now I am eating a cupcake and loving my husband and laughing at my Beavis and Butthead DVD and although I am not fucking anyone at the moment, I have done so today. So I'm really confused here. Am I a fluffy new-age hippie or am I a conservative? I think I'm going to need therapy after reading this column.

Here is the great fallacy of the American ethos, the one that powers SUV purchases and spawns a billion McDonald's franchises and gun purchases and Adam Sandler movies: it is the notion that Americans exist in a freewheelin' vacuum, that our daily choices don't, in fact, affect the world, and our neighbors, and our children, and the environment and our own bodies.

Ah, yes. And those people protesting the liberation of the peope of Iraq care about whom? All I hear is "Saddam didn't do anything to us!" How isolationist of you fluffy hippies. Vacuum, indeed. And I hate Adam Sandler.


It is the idea that those very choices -- foods you eat, cars you drive, shows you watch, personal relations you have, waste you create, choices you make -- can't, in a very real and immediate way, erode your divine links, spit on your spiritual spark, taint your mystical meat. Every single one, every single time.

Taint your mystical meat? You've been reading amatuer erotic literature again, haven't you, Mark?

In other words, in buying that gun, smacking that child, abusing that spouse, screaming at that neighbor, buying that thuggish SUV, supporting that war, wishing death upon all them damn furriners, you may think you're exercising your God-given all-'Murkin right to do/say/drive whatever the hell you want because you're an American goddammit and no one will tell you how to live so back off.

Whoa there, buddy. Only conservatives smack their children and abuse their spouses? Do you have proof of this? Has a study been done? I'll tell you what - when I go to work on Monday I will poll every person who is dragged into the courtroom in handcuffs for domestic abuse. I'll ask them if they are fluffy bunny hippies or SUV driving conservatives. Betcha most of them don't really care about politics. Or America.

Not quite. Rather, you are also injecting a deliberate dose of bitter bile straight into the cultural bloodstream, actually -- and quite literally -- lowering the general vibration of the human collective cause, casting your vote for small-mindedness and solipsism and violence. Yep, you are. And yes indeed, your vote counts.

There he goes with the vibrations again. What I'm sensing from this column is that Mark Morford is very horny and in dire need of a good fuck.

Here is the gist: The world consists of energy, billions of swirling masses of it contained in living vessels -- that's you -- and aimed out to the world, often radiating at random, intermingling, interacting, often uncontrolled and unaware, an enormous dizzying gorgeous complex kaleidoscopic organism of human interaction and interplay. We are abuzz. We are electric. We possess actual psychic and electromagnetic force. Duh. It's a fact.

Oh, someone just channeled Jim Morrison! Out here we are stoned......immaculate!

It comes down to simple physics. Negative begets negative. Positive begets positive. War begets war, peace begets peace, Britney begets Christina begets N'Sync begets People magazine begets "Joe Millionaire" begets 10 million Prozac prescriptions begets a billion dumbed-down mind-sets, embittered souls. In a nutshell.

Mmm...baguettes. Oh, sorry..you were saying? Conservatives are to blame for pop music? Is that what it comes down to, you are pissed at Nsync? Calm down, Marky boy. They didn't break up, they are just on hiatus.

ShrubCo blindly steers the nation like a giant careening Hummer toward the history-mauling notion of preemptive violence, of attacking anyone who might somehow threaten the U.S. even before such a threat is tangible. He beats the war drum, staffs his administration with enough hawks to start 1,000 wars, slams the environment, cuts women's rights, etcetera and so on -- this all turns that swirling mass of energy that much more dark, vicious, angry, dumb.

Beavis: Hehe, you said hummer.
Butthead: Beat the war drum. Beat. Hehehe,
Beavis: Hehe, you said Bush.

And the world begins to follow. The culture darkens, people run scared, reactionary, depressed. The negative feeds upon itself, the tide turns, you are hit more and more frequently with that overwhelming feeling that we are in dire and ugly and powder-keg times, worse than ever, emotionally raw, politically appalling, spiritually hollow. Sound familiar?

Does this guy get paid by the word? Is this column ever going to end?

Whereas notions of peace, individual thought, reason, simple acts of attuned mindfulness, of buying products and foods that sustain the planet, of making really good messy enthusiastic generous love, of regular laughter in the face of scowling Ashcroft or Cheney's corporate henchmen, of reading deeply and recalling wisdom people like the Dalai Lama talk about all the time -- these things literally up your anima's vibration, add positive energy back in, turn the collective volume back up.

I thought this would sound better in French:

Considérant que les notions de la paix, pensée individuelle, la raison, actes simples de mindfulness adapté, des produits et des nourritures achetants qui soutiennent la planète, de faire l'amour généreux enthousiaste malpropre vraiment bon, du rire régulier face à scowling Ashcroft ou Cheney de corporation henchmen, de la lecture profondément et de rappeler des personnes de sagesse comme le Dalai Lama parlent de toute l'heure -- ces choses littéralement vers le haut de la vibration de vos anima, ajoutent le dos positif d'énergie dedans, tournent le support collectif de volume.

There. Much better when I have a good reason for not understanding his words.

That postcoital buzz? That post-party feel-good vibe? That genuine laughter? That gratuitously kind thing you did for that stranger? That celebration of your body and your sex and love and spirit in spite of mainstream religious puling and finger wagging? That deep meditative solitude? Bingo. That's the vibe you want. That's the vibe we all need. That's the vibration that makes all the difference.

Mark, I know exactly what you need. It's called the Hitachi Magic Wand. It will take care of that vibration fetish you have. And umm...how did you know about that gratuitously kind thing I did for that stranger? You didn't take pictures, did you?

Ok, I skipped the next two paragraphs because I think he was channeling Kurt Cobain. Something about angst.

So then. You want to really annoy the conservative warmongering powers that be? Work your ass off to pump up the vibration. It's deeply personal. It's hard work. It means re-evaluating what you do and how you do it and how you treat others, the planet, what you buy and what you eat. It means learning. And it also means loving harder, more raw and real, minimal BS, minimal waste, figuring out true messy ugly slippery gorgeous divinity for yourself, on your own terms, and then sharing it with the world.

Man, they really hate that.

Raw, slippery, pumped-up vibrations. Did anyone else get horny reading that paragraph?

So basically, what Mark is saying in way too many words is that he needs a copy of the latest issue of Penthouse and some time alone in the bathroom. Or perhaps he could take some pointers from Ted Rall on how to bed women for gratuitous pleasure.

Yea, that's what this is about. Conservatives hate that whole "free love" thing.

Of course we do. We are capitalists. Everything has its price to us.

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» Can I get a job being a idiotic fool like this guy? from Paranoid Network Intruder Ministries
Thanks to Michele for the link. Mark Morford here is a writer, if I may use the term loosely, for [Read More]

» Can I get a job being a idiotic fool like this guy? from Paranoid Network Intruder Ministries
Thanks to Michele for the link. Mark Morford here is a writer, if I may use the term loosely, for [Read More]

» Oh, Michele! from Dancing with Dogs
All I could think of after reading this post from her was - "Conservatives and wanna-bes for Sex - a... [Read More]

» Oh, Michele! from Dancing with Dogs
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Comments

A Small Victory + Rum + an entire bottle of wine + varying other liquors I've had = Reading fun for Michele's posts.

You are far better than I am at drunken posts. I bow down before you.

God, you make me wish I were straight! I bet sex with you is AWESOME!
Er, sorry, I know that's sort of off the point, but it's all I can think of right now. (That's what a couple of drinks does for ME! Heh.)
But, oh, yeah, great post, too. (Well, that's par for the course, right?)
I love you. I hunger for you, I...
Okay, I'm done now.

When do I get my dollar?

It's in the mail!

Jeebus dancing in a field of genetically engineered poppies expressing pollen filled sacs of MSG and Tabasco sauce eating a egg taco CHRIST this man is stupid.

Simple physics? Vibrations? Grr.

I read his whole column before I read your fisking. I was laughing out loud before I began.

Uhm, old-school conservatives hate pop music and Adam Sandler. Just as a point of information. They're also suspicious of corporations. But never mind.

What increasingly strikes me is that the uber-Left spends most of its time fighting nonexistent figments of their imaginations. Either that, or their superior vibrations allow them to see evil creatures at a higher plane of existence than lowly mortals such as myself. Or something.

[sigh] I'm not allowed to have any alcohol until May. Life sux. %-)

WTF?

That dude has some serious issues...

It sounds like he got in touch with his autistic inner child... can we take up a collection to buy him a hubcap from a '49 packard?... I think it will calm him down...

I can't speak for all conservatives, but what pisses me right the hell off is he not only says: "Here is the great fallacy of the American ethos, the one that powers SUV purchases and spawns a billion McDonald's franchises and gun purchases"...Like those are BAD things...but then he has the Gall to add "and Adam Sandler movies..." Like that shit is somehow OUR fault.

When Liberals are in trouble they bomb an Aspirin factory or throw a Pep-Funeral, but Conservatives, the WAR-mongers, have no better distraction than "Mr. Deeds" or "Eight Crazy Nights"?

New age? pfft Sounds more like the Beach Boys...

Gotta keep those lovin' good vibrations happening to ya

Now if you'll pardon me, I gotta go thump some Bibles.

A quick whisky-drenched observation here:

I sense that Mr. Moford really needs to have his prostate massaged. Either that or, like my dog, he needs to have his anal glands emptied occasionally. I wonder if he drags his behind along the rug when he gets like this. That's what my dog does.

The left is a walking corpse; they know it, and it's driving them crazy. Their political frustration is producing crap like that article.

I love your site and the Troop Trax idea is awesome!! I will be donating soon! :) Also, is it ok if I swipe your little "support democracy in iraq" image to use on my site?

sooo, what the hell was that article about? something about conservatives hating something, having sex, and vibrators? i couldn't be more lost if i was back in physics class listening to a lesson on initial velocity and gravity and crap like that.

OH MY GOD!
I LOVE sex!
I don't drive an SUV; I ride a motorcycle!
I HATE pop music!
I don't beat my wife!
I don't smack children!
I MUST be a liberal!
...except for that little matter of me being in touch with reality.

I was so taken with your writing I felt compelled to break in a new shot glass that a friend has sent me. I was right, its even better with jack daniels.
I can't believe he gets paid to write that trash.

I like his column. Its a big monotonous cluttered journalism piece with no flow, references, interest, or goal other than to scratch and hiss at two groups that he "hates" with a blinded and unfounded indignation. Okay, I'm done now.

Just a dumb comment from a raging conservative:
We have the same birthday, but completely opposite viewpoints, so much for the horoscope, more "hippie crap". =)

Take care, I respectfully disagree with liberals!

Mark Morford's vision of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy is so deluded that he's now blaming conservatives for Hollywood movies. Uh huh.....

Ooops, you are not a Liberal! Thank goodness =)

Sorry, it's 2:23 a.m.

MAN I jus wunner where MoFo
buys his shit.
Dat stuff gotta be Da Kine
I gots ta get me summa dat

Challenge to the Blogosphere: What color are Donald Rumsfeld's eyes? They seem light to me, but Morford repeatedly insists they are "ink black."

I also wonder why "blank-eyed" persons are serving as soldiers. Surely, vision is a prerequisite for combat service.

That said, I look forward to Morfordopia: Fluffhead liberals will concentrate their whirling organically fueled energies on good, good, good, good vibrations . . . And leave the non-fluffheads alone. 'Cause if they mess with us, we're liable to harsh their mellow.

I just skimmed as much of the article as I can stomach without being stoned and will give you my less jazzy than Michele executive summary:

A self centered hippy thinks that the whole PURPOSE of the war on terrorism and the regime change in Iraq is that we want to bum him out, make him feel unimportant (I'm not on TV!!!), make him anxious and make his dick limp.

As far as I can tell, he's planning a big rebellion - he's probably gonna drink a beer, tell himself he's the mystical shit, and then throw this stupid rap at every woman he meets until he finds one so deperate she'll pretend to be interested long enough to fuck him.

I suddenly have a much clearer image of what sort of non-stop rap a single 60 year old hippy neurotic uses when he's trolling for pussy. Thanks for sharing Mark.

Michele, you rock. Of course it sounds better through the Ali G. translator or in French, what doesn't?

Excellent fisking - I can't believe that this guy gets paid to write? How the hell did this happen? That was such a terrible piece of writing for more reasons than I can possibly name, that I am sitting here shocked that someone, somewhere, finds him worthy enough to be on payroll.
And for the record: I think Adam Sandler has some damn fine movies. And if it pisses him off that someone like Sandler represents America, well that's great.

Wow. Actually, that article was beyond fisking. A truly evolved soul such as Mark Momford operates at such a high vibration on the mental plane that to fisk him becomes an impossible task. However, his article does answer the question (in case you were interested): if Deepak Chopra and Susan Sontag had a love child, what kind of articles would he write for the SFGate?

Liberals for Dummies? Shouldn't that be Liberals are Dummies?

Seriously, how do guys like this get out of the loony bin? Or is San Francisco really a loony bin disguised as a city? Inquiring minds want to know.

Riyadh delenda est!

I've read Morfords bile before. He has always been a bitter frustrated person with nothing but contempt for common people, such as myself, and our simple ways.

Last year he wrote about the babies conceived just after 9/11. I have read very few things so nihilist. Those children should read Mofords article in a couple decades. It will be a good lesson on the mindset of the rare threatened species: the extreme leftist.

The guy is the opposite of a humanist. He is an Anti-Humanist. But with this piece he has slipped over into the realm of schizophrenic delusions of persecution with vibratory hallucinations. The guy is in serious need of psychotherapy, haldol, and a high colonic

Lessee here... going by the Morford scale, am I a conservative? Hmmmmmm...

Don't own a car.
Ride a motorcycle.
Listen to jazz, classical, opera, and good old fasioned hard-ass rock.
Wear a kilt. (Utilikilts! Yeah, baby!)
Not a big fan of Adam Sandler
Have sex just about any time I can, preferably with my g/f tied up and screaming my name.

Crap! I must be a liberal!

No, wait, stop. Reverse that. I'm one of the most right wing people I know, which is saying something. Let's try this. Morford dropped so much acid in the 60's and 70's that he never fully recovered. So why don't we all mellow out, dude, because we're like, bumming his trip, y'know, this whole war thing.

And people get paid to write this kind of shit? I can't believe he gets paid to write anything. What fucking grade did he complete before dropping out of Jr. High?

Okay, I am REALLY confused. I have no idea what I am now.

I love sex, and routinely indulge in a number of practices that are illegal in many parts of the country. I really don't give a rat's ass who screws whom and have no idea why gay marriage should still be illegal in this day and age.

I can't stand Adam Sandler.

I like rock music. And classical music. And bluegrass...piss on it, it's easier to list the types of music I don't like: disco and rap.

I am non-religious (I refuse to say "atheist" because I have seen too many atheists go on religious crusades) but have no problem with religion in general, only with the stupidities people use it for.

I kill and eat small animals. Large ones, too.

I oppose the idiocy of the PATRIOT Act, but don't consider it a return to the Third Reich.

I consider Communism every bit as evil as Naziism. And vice versa.

I think we need to utterly destroy the government of Iraq and start over. Then do the same in Saudi Arabia.

The list goes on. So does this make me liberal or conservative?

I don't really know, but it makes Morford a f***ing idiot. As if he needed help to do that.

Man, am I glad I stopped doing drugs when I did! brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

You have to consider the paper MoFo writes for and the target audience: yellow dog dems. It makes no sense to anyone with the brain pan capacity larger than a gnat.

Did you see Mike Farrell on Russert this morning? Inspections work. Everyone knows that Saddam has no WMD. It is a proven fact.

Huh?

The Left cannot mount a real debate only sprew Barbra-isms and flack-speak. The DNC fax machines must be red-hot.

Fuzzy bunny hippie guru Ira Einhorn from Philadelphia murdered his girlfriend, stuffed her body in a trunk, shoved the trunk in a closet and continued to live in the apartment while her body mummified. So much for the loving, concerned leftist.

May Cthulhu, Dagon and Azathoth send this asshat negative vibrations.

MonkeyPants
Imperial Falconer

I tried. I really did. All I could get out of his article was that he hates Bush, and he needs a box of batteries for his Rabbit Pearl.

Maybe I SHOULD drink.

So then, according to this nut we should just ignore that Saddam supports terrorists and tortures and kills his own people. As long as we all get high on nature then all that won't matter because we won't be paying attention? How does ignoring horrible people who just want to see you all dead help anything? Except maybe helping the horrible get a head start?

Like, wow, man. Lemme just get my head together...

Does anyone remember that skit from The State where the writer learned the word "and" for the first time? "I'll have a bagel! AAAAND an iced tea!" Then he couldn't stop saying "and." Like this guy.

Just use the dollar you would have sent me to buy more batteries. Thanks for the fisking!

Boy, I remenber these types from the '60's! Some people should not be allowed anywhere near any kind of mind-altering substances.

Lets' see.

I'm a Viet Era vet with a medical discharge, physically unfit,

I drive a meticulously maintained 13-year-old car that gets 29+ MPG (the way I drive),

I ride very large motorcycles (old ones),

I listen to both kinds of music (country and western ;->= ), plus classical, stride blues, delta blues, etc, most rock, honky-tonk, just about everything except industrial house dicso rap,

I have never hit a woman or a child,

I recycle and am willing to bet I leave less waste than this idiot (if he wants to compare, we can have a contest -- I'm still wearing a perfectly servicable pair of 3 year old sneakers that cost $22 at Kohl's),

I sometimes teach Civil Rights and Civil Liberties and believe in them -- I also was just as opposed to Bill Clinton and Janet Reno pissing on them as John Ashcroft,

I am lucky enough to have wonderful, sexy wife who takes care of what this idiot seems to be missing,

Gosh! What's wrong with me? I totally reject all the crap being spewed by the Idiotarian Left.

My guess is that this is just one more example of the people who push "understanding" other cultures who simply cannot understand anyone whose address is Reality.

Oh come on. To Mark Morford you are all a bunch of conservative scumbags. Either deal with it or write Mark and ask him how you can change your lifestyle to suit his prejudices.

OK so I'm on anti-depressants because of Joe Millionaire? Could he please explain that to me. I was under the impression that it was because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. (Although Joe Millionaire could cause an imbalance...)

And he needs to go back to school, two negatives "beget" a positive.

Wonderful post!

In high school comp, this column would be returned to the writer with a big red "f" prominently marked across page 1.

How do liberals get away with not being able to write, in this conservative-dominated media?

Leaving aside writing skills, the strawmen per sentence count is truly horrifying... indeed if you removed them, there wouldn't be a whole lot of the essay left.

I am perfectly able to appreciate the weaknesses of the conservative position, when it is properly analyzed. But this isn't analysis, its just a extended smear.

I want to have this bastard's job. Unlike him, I can write clearly when I put my mind to it. And I could use the salary and perks.

What a mindless drone, not required to put out anything of quality as long as the spew has the proper spin.

Mark Morford was suspended in March 2001, along with his boss, for this:

"SFGate suspends staffers over sex column

SFGate.com, the web site of the San Francisco Chronicle, has suspended three members of its staff in a flap over an over-the-top column. The piece’s author, Mark Morford, writes a short daily column, called the Morning Fix, that takes a caustic look at off-the-wall news items. But this particular piece crossed the line, in the opinion of Robert Cauthorn, the Chronicle’s vice president for digital media.

Morford chose to write about an incident in Philadelphia in which a 24-year-old teaching intern is accused of performing a sex act upon a 13-year-old boy while his 14-year-old friend looked on. Morford wrote that he felt the experience might not really be a traumatic one for a teenage boy.

Cauthorn disapproved of the column, which went out in an email to 13,000 people that morning. The column was pulled from the web site and from the rest of SFGate’s morning emails. SFGate’s news and features editors have been suspended without pay. Morford will be paid during his involuntary absence because he belongs to a union."

http://www.medialifemagazine.com/news2001/mar01/mar26/4_thurs/news8thursday.html

You can't find this column now (though there may be some who are smarter than me and can find the archived copy somewhere). But the account of the suspension is accurate. Totally accurate.

Oh, mercy... such drivel this guy writes. Donate my dollar to the charity of your choice, or the USO, or somethng that would piss Morford off.

RE: Morford's pervertedness...

Fucking sick bastard. He should try being molested and have somebody write an article on how great it was.