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TupperWAR, anyone?

This is why I love hate mail. It gives me a reason to go on each day.

Today’s mailbag brings some spittle-faced deep thinker to the forefront:

“You know what you are? You are just a mouthpiece for Bush and The U.S. Army. They probably pay you to go around spreading your warmongering ideas. You use your website as both a church and a collection plate. You preach and preach and you collect people into your little basket and crush their spirit and turn them into warmongers just like you. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that you aren’t even who you say you are, but a paid government employee whose job it is to write shit about the war and terror and get people all riled up. You are evil, just like you say you are and you think that’s funny but it’s not. You are what’s wrong with America, women like you who think your opinion is right, women who should be doing other things rather than writing about guns and tanks and bombs.”

Oy vey.

This guy doesn’t know whether he’s a member of the leftist brigade or a spokesperson for the John Birch society.

Either way, he’s found me out. It’s true. You heard of the Tupperware Lady? Well I am the TupperWAR Lady, and I rule a vast organization of pearl-wearing, pot roast cooking women who go door to door in hopes of charming other women into becoming warmongers.

Morning, noon and night, all I do is attempt to convert anti-war or otherwise neutral women into war hungry Republicans. And I don't stop at the women, I get to their children, too. Every day after school I drop my kids off at the Very Young Republicans Club where they too can master the art of warmongering and pass it on to their friends. I mean, what's a war movement worth if it's not passed on from generation to generation?

During lunch I hop into my TupperWAR brand black Hummer and drive around picking up lonely housewives and confused anti-war protesters. I play Rush Limbaugh on the Hummer's stereo and face the speakers out the window. When people come running up to see what's going on (The "Free Cookies Here!" sign really helps), I chloroform them and throw them into the back seat. Then I drive around, chanting, "We Must, We Must, Bomb Iraq or Bust!" over and over again until osmosis has taken its toll and when my victims awake, they have this sudden taste for bombs and biological warfare.

tupperware.jpgWe stop at the diner for some Liberty Fries and I school my new group in all matters of war. I read from Fox News transcripts and Ann Coulter columns. Then I take them back to my house where we are met by my coalition of TupperWar Women. It's like a big old revival meeting. We sing war songs and throw darts at pictures of Arianna Huffington. We pretend it's that U.N. meeting, but this time Powell gets up and shoots down Chirac. Blood! We love blood and violence!

This is what I do all day, every day. I knock on doors and hand out tracts extolling the virtues of nuclear bombs. I go to supermarkets and stick leaflets on car windows with pictures of Saddam's head being blown off. I take my group of women with me and we march through the parking lot chanting "What do we want? WAR! When do we want it? YESTERDAY!"

I go to Kindergarten classes and replace their Sesame Street flash cards with pictures of Michael Moore and Hilary Clinton. Bad! I tell the children. Bad! They repeat. By the end of the day they are kneeling reverently in front of a poster of Tony Blair and they can spell out KILL SADDAM with their little magnetic letters.

A TupperWAR Woman never rests. I am always working, always brainwashing, always calling for the death of some tyrannical dictator, or some French guy. I do all this in a day and still manage to cook a lovely dinner for my husband and get all the housecleaning done - while wearing a dress and high heels.

All in a day's work for the TupperWAR Woman.

If you see me standing on your doorstep with a nice jello mold in hand, you may not want to open the door.

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Listed below are links to weblogs that reference TupperWAR, anyone?:

» Secret Identity Revealed! from Res Ipsa Loquitur
Michele's secret identity has been revealed. She is...the TupperWar woman! That's gotta be a tough gig. Go show her some [Read More]

» It's not warmongering from The Broken Lyre
I am for bringing freedom to the people of Iraq by any means necessary [Read More]

» Winds of War: 2003-02-27 from Winds of Change.NET
In an effort to bring you some of the more interesting pieces out there without drowning out the rest of our posts, We've started putting each day's collection into one post of short listings. If [Read More]

» Me too! from Dancing with Dogs
Hey, Michele! can I get a cut of whatever the government's paying you?... [Read More]

Comments

Holy fuck.

(And I mean that in the best possible way.)

Your "spittle-faced deep thinker" has a point Michele: you are evil.

If I'd been drinking when I read that, my PC would now be a useless steaming pile of junk.

Oh, wait...

Mistress, may I remove this ball gag and get out of this basket, now?

Michele? Honeybear? You rant like no other. Thanks!

I'll let you in ONLY if the jello is free of those little white scary berries.

No fair... you have ALL the fun.

"This guy doesn’t know whether he’s a member of the leftist brigade or a spokesperson for the John Birch society. "

There's a difference?

Me too. I want money for me too. I am the Anonymous Warmonger and I don't get a penny, it's not fair.

Excellent... "A+" with two little depleted-uranium star stickers!!

So you can make money at this?? I had no idea. I've been war mongering for free all this time!

You know, I'd have a comment here, but my spirit has been so thoroughly crushed by your warmongering that I can no longer put my thoughts in type.

Damn you're good, Michele! Here I am, my spirit crushed, with no thoughts in my mind not put there by you, and I never even knew it!

It must be those subliminal messages you've been putting on the blog. I mean, that's what you're really doing when you redesign your site, aren't you? Upgrading the subliminal message software?

Or was that a secret....? What do I know? My spirit is crushed.

ooo... i do love this... I wish I had been reading your thoughts sooner. beautiful, just beautiful. I want to kiss the screen i love the conservatism sooooo much.

He caught you; you are a paid government employee.

I thought you were writing about guns, tanks and boobs. I need new glasses, I guess.

You know, obviously, nobody could think war's the least-horrible-option available without being PAID to say it.

All good, honest people think "peace" (not peace proper, mind you, but the absence of open armed conflict right now, and no more) is all anyone could ever honestly want. Because war makes the Baby Jesus cry, and who could want that?

So, obviously you're just a shill. I mean, nobody could honestly believe what you say, right? It's logically impossible!

That was terrific. "The Very Young Republicans Club" was awesome.

My favorite line from that letter:

"I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that you aren’t even who you say you are, but a paid government employee whose job it is to write shit about the war and terror and get people all riled up."

I'm so jealous that you get letters from lunatics. You might even say I'm 'all riled up'.

You can crush my spirit any time you want.

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

MonkeyPants
Imperial Falconer

Hehehe. So, where do I sign up to get paid to do what I've been doing for free? I never realized that I could get paid for this.

Ok, but do we HAVE to wear pearls if we want to be a Tupperwar lady? They really clash with my overly pasty complexion.

Almost makes me wish I got lunatic mail and hate tracts from anyone other than Warblogger Watch. (And even they've left me alone.)

Then again, no thanks.

Nicely done.

Thanks, Michele, I needed the laugh. I never get comments like this either, and I gotta wonder what I'm doing wrong...

So here's the thing. It's true.

I was totally against the war until Michele crushed my spirt.

It was the boobs that did it.

Will there be bridge mix and nut cups and hot gossip? If so, I'm in.

Tracy, let's see if they'll let us carry pearl-handled revolvers instead.

Mmmm, pot roast.

"And I said to her... Goddamnit woman, y-y-y-you get in the kitchen and bake me a PIE!"

Or something like that. :)

If you're too busy brainwashing the kiddies, come over to my place for pie... I'll see if I can't cook up a good one for you in the spirit of this post. wink

  • * *

Why are Messrs. Clinton and Carter so careless? Don't they know that their behavior gives cover to foreign leaders as trying to block administration fortunes in the U.N. and elsewhere? Don't they know that it shows Saddam maybe he doesn't have to change, because America is torn and divided?
Why do they do this? A hunger for relevance, you say. A need for attention. Maybe. But those are personal needs and not worthy of a former president at a time of danger. One wonders: Does Mr. Clinton talk about Iraq and Osama so much because he is trying to hide in plain sight his own failures? He had eight years to get serious about them. He punted and dodged. The louder he talks now the more activist he seems then. But this is no time for legacy-spinning.

Messrs. Clinton and Carter might ponder that they themselves in their own times of crisis benefited greatly from the discretion of the presidents who preceded them, Mr. Carter at key moments during the Iran hostage crisis and Mr. Clinton at many points including--well, for a solid year during the Monica scandal, George Bush 41 was urged every day to speak out about what Bill Clinton had done to the presidency. And Mr. Bush wouldn't say boo. Would've been bad for the country, didn't want to make it worse.

Mr. Clinton and Mr. Carter are, truly, the anti-Ikes. They want their tongue lashings to be in public, for all the world to see. No matter the precariousness of the moment or the satisfaction of what foes in which caves.

Lucky for JFK he had Eisenhower. Lucky he didn't have them.

  • * *

Graceless and petty - Clinton and Carter - the two gray eminences of the modern Democrat Party.

- nikita demosthenes

TupperWAR Women...cool! Are you gals a branch of the VRWC?

DAMMIT! Where are all these boobs everyone keeps talking about?? I mean the war shit is great, but boobs too?

DAMMIT! Where are all these boobs everyone keeps talking about?? I mean the war shit is great, but boobs too?

Mind if I have some of those Cheerios there?
[munch, munch..]

Good work. As your new U.S. Army handler I just wanted to drop you a note telling you that we think you are doing a fine job as our mouthpiece.

It also looks like you may be moving up in the world. My contact at Foggy Bottom has requested a meeting with you sometime in the future. Maybe you can get a corner office!

Michele, STOP CRUSHING MY SPIRIT!

IT TICKLES!

Hot freakin' damn. June Cleaver could've taken a few lessons from YOU.

Michele,
where do I sign up? Can an expat Canadian, soon to be a US citizen become a member of the TupperWAR clan? Can we aspire that high??? And when do I start making money at it??

Please, let me in ... crush my spirit too!!!! I wanna join!!! whine grovel grovel

OMG...can we have a "Boobies for War"a-thon? Maybe if we raised enough $$ we could tell France and Germany to f-off. Oh, wait...we can do that anyway...

Cool! When's the next party at which you will demonstrate the latest WMD's & we have a contest that whomever can first correctly guess what the new WMD is that you're showing, gets to take it home for free?

I like that game.

Sorry about the groveling. I think I was having a French moment.

I am crushed. I feel slighted. How dare you not collect me into your little basket and crush my spirit and turn me into a warmonger just like you. What am I? Chopped liver? I feel left out.

Fill me, pack me, Burp my air out!

Michele, if you really do get a TupperWAR brand Humvee (I'm sorry, I cannot say or type the word "hummer" without bursting into giddy, adolescent laughter; it's a generational thang), can I use it as the platform for the Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle that I covet so much?
I've been looking for an excuse to buy one.

How does one get bought off? I've been trying for years.

Damn. I need that car.

How come I can't get people to say stuff like that about me?

You get PAID??? I've been doing all this spiritcrushing warmongering for free!!!

I am so humbled ...

Heehee.. Man that was great... well done..

but give the guy some credit. You are a gov't employee no? (I may have this wrong...)

"Son of a Birch" society more like it.

Very funny. I love the Very Young Republicans Club idea.

And, I came here thinking I could learn something about Java WAR files from a geek grrl, only to find out its another Great Pyramids scheme.