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in case of zombies, break glass

Armed Liberal has a list of emergency supplies he keeps on hand (in his home and car) just in case. It's a good list, filled with necessary medical supplies to keep one healthy should emergency care not be readily available.

I have an emergency kit in my car. It's a baseball bag filled with items that might come in handy should war break out while I'm on the Expressway or if we should get stuck in a ditch somewhere remote and have to wait a while for help.

As you can see, we are prepared for every possibility.

Medical items:
One package Spiderman band-aids
One bottle Excedrin Migraine
An Ace Bandage (to wrap around head, pretending to be a mummy in the hopes of scaring off the evil monsters that creeped out of the sewer system)
One jar vaseline (this is good to rub on the ground so the one-wheeled aliens slip and slide as they try to catch up to you)
One bottle liquid Children's Tylenol, expired last August
Two tongue depressors (I guess so I can look into my kids' mouths and say 'yup, you got a nasty throat infection. Here, have some expired Tylenol)

Tools
One eyeglass screwdriver
One butter knife (butter knives are good for almost anything. If all else fails, we can at least use it to slice off limbs when we start dining on each other when all the rescue missions to find us fail)
One half roll of blue duct tape (for tying up intruders who want to take our well-stocked medicine bag)
One CD Walkman stocked with a Stabbing Westward cd (to drown out the screams of people being hit with alien laser beams)

Other Completely Necessary Items
One copy of Fun With Milk and Cheese (it's good to laugh when armageddon is upon you)
One bottle of Poland Springs water (to kill the aliens, of course)
One box of most likely stale Marlboro Menthol Lights
One cigarette lighter (this would be good if any of those monsters-afraid-of-fire are attacking)
One Game Boy stocked with Pokemon Gold
A collection of crossword puzzles from New York magazine
One blue sharpie (for drawing mustaches on zombies after we kill them)

Weapons
One hockey stick
One baseball bat
One Eye-Popping SpongeBob (to scare away the giant rats that are about to eat us alive)


So we are prepared for zombies, aliens, headaches, giant creatures, most species of monsters, cannibalism and nuclear war.

And it all fits so nicely into my evil SUV.

(link via the emperor)

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Comments

In our car we have SCOOBY band-aids, a flash light in several pieces w/ no batteries, expired immodium( I guess to keep the aliens from having the runs?) , tiny scissors, a power ranger coloring book w/ matching action figures , chap stick and a leatherman tool/weapon. I'm sure the butter knife would be WAY better- what can't be done w/ a butter knife? My mom was a butter knife fix it pro.

I thawt thet gurls HATE duct tape.

DYKE!

--sorry i'm late.

What are you gonna do with all those goodies if Armageddon doesn't come?

You get bonus points for the Spiderman Bandaids and the eye-popping Spongebob.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I have a Flintstones Quilt in my trunk. Not a piece of Hanna Barbera merchandise, mind you. A quilt that my Mother made, out of various fake fur scraps. It's impressively weird, and slightly creepy in a Stoneage Family kind of way.

I love it.

This is a fantastic thing to talk about! Potential zombie attacks are not discussed nearly enough, in my opinion. Whenever my friend and I get soused together at his place, we take mental stock of what firearms and ammunition are in the house (though we don't go as far as to handle the stuff while in our inebriated state), as well as food, water, and battery-powered radios. We verbally map out battle and escape strategies specifically in case our town becomes overrun with the walking undead.

We've decided that all each of us needs is a .22 rifle with a good scope to pop the zombies in their foreheads from afar, accompanied a higher-powered, extremely reliable handgun for backup (zombies are slow, and you can usually run right past 'em if they're not too close together). Big cleavers, swords, and hatchets are optional. Pockets and backpacks are necessary, simply to carry as much ammo as possible.

Oh, and liquor ususally ends up working its way into our lists. It explains itself by reminding us that we might hesitate when shooting our friends and loved ones when they become zombies. Booze will loosen us up and perhaps smooth over our shock and confusion as to what's happening.

You have no idea how happy I am to talk about zombie escape plans... I think about this stuff all the time, even though it is probably very unhealthy.

I heart Dawn of the Dead, the best zombie movie of the official "Night of..." trilogy as well as one of the best horror films ever, ever, ever! If any of you haven't seen it, take the rest of the day off and go rent it. Your boss will forgive you once you explain to him/her that it's Dawn of the Dead and you need to study up on your Zombie Event Contingency Plans.

Bart- "Dad, you just shot zombie-Flanders!"

Homer- "He was a zombie?"

Zombies don't do turns well at all. I've gotten away from every one I've encountered by head-on approach, veering off at the last moment.

You're ON today, Michele. Sorry you feel bad. You're sure improving my mood.

PS: I thought duct tape was for keeping one's ducts all in a row.

"...send more cops..."

A.L.

A.L., don't forget:

"I know you're in there, darling, because I can smell your braaaaiiinns..."

It's always odd when zombie films break the "slow-moving, no talking, destroy the brain to kill 'em" rules set up by George Romero. Odd, but entertaining.

the following is a website dedicated to zombies and vampires. wiht real-life accounts and everything, heeheehee! http://www.fvza.org/index.html

I want my eyeglass screwdriver back!! I don't want alien guts all over it when you return it either.

Filter is also a good group to use for drowning out the screams of the victims.

Hm. My contribution: I bought a 99-cent utility knife to keep in my car for times when you need to cut something.

That oughta last me through any nuke that hits D.C.