football fun: the idiotarian all stars!
It's Super Bowl Sunday, the nation's only unrecognized national holiday.
The real football doesn't get underway for another ten hours, but I have some things to fill your time.
Introducing the starting line up for the Stupor Bowl All Star Team - The Idiotarian AllStars! (cue applause or boos, as may be your case)
Brouillet comes to the AHC by way of The Women's International League for Peace and Freedom. Brouillet's contributions to the AHC team include a grass-roots movement to get George Bush impeached for his "crimes of 9–11."
Favorite saying: Regime change begins at home
Fun fact: Wants to abolish money and work towards a "gift" economy.
KEN NICHOLS (representing human shields for Iraq)
Ken, a special teams defenseman, has organized a contingent of misguided morons to head over to Iraq to play ring-around-Saddam in an attempt to protect the dictator from being attacked by American troops.
Favorite saying: The biggest threat to world security is George W. Bush.
Fun Fact: He has publicly announced his intent to burn a US Flag before the US Consulate in Amsterdam if/when the US begins the invasion of Iraq.
ARIANNA HUFFINGTON (representing both the limousine liberals and Alternet)
Arianna once played for the other team, but switched sides when she decided she could get more play from the press as an anti-American. Her main strength is her hypocrisy, which she uses to bully the other teams into giving up luxuries that she herself uses daily.
Favorite saying: If you drive an SUV, you support terrorism
Fun Fact: Huffington lives in a 9,000 square foot house and uses a private jet to fly to all her speaking engagements. I guess only the oil that goes into making SUVs run supports terrorists.
MICHAEL RIVERO (representing Whatreallyhappened.com)
Michael leads the league in conspiracy theories. His theories about September 11 have given way to a whole new genre of urban legends and propaganda.
Favorite catcphrase: fake terrorism
Fun Quote: My hope is that the present government of the US will simply collapse from its own rot as did the USSR and we can all leave to our children a nation free from crushing debt-slavery.
SENATOR PATTY MURRAY (representing bin Laden apologists, leftist politicians and brain-dead people everywhere)
Senator Murray is today's team captain. She made this team the hard way, with a grit and determination that even the most stalwart idiotarians find hard to muster. Her belief that bin Laden builds day care centers, and her allegiance to the root causes of America-bashing has made her the star she is today.
Favorite saying: (I think you all know this enough to chant along): Why is bin Laden so popular around the world? He's been out in these countries for decades, building schools, building roads, building infrastructure, building day care facilities, building health care facilities, and the people are extremely grateful. We haven't done that."
Fun fact: Senator Murray will be introducing the new team jerseys today.
Well fans, that's all we have time for now as we have to cut for a commercial break. Don't forget to stick around for the half-time show, where Barbra Streisand, Sean Penn and Michael Moore will lead the crowd in a chant of "No War for Oil," and Sheryl Crow will perform her new smash hit, "Why Can't We Be Friends."
Feel free to add on to the roster of this all-star team - there's always room for more!