one good apology deserves another
I get mail.
Dear A Small Victory,
Stop being a George Bush apologista.
I almost stopped reading, but I had nothing to write about this morning so I decided to read on and see if there was anything worthwhile in the letter.
You Americans have so much to apologize for.
Ok, good enough. I can work with that.
As an American in good standing (I think), I will take it upon myself to apologize for certain slights against good taste and offenses against the delicate nature of certain countries, but you have to apologize as well. Tit for tat, as they say in some other country where the word tit does not elicit giggles, even from adults who know better.
I will apologize for Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire/Pauper/Hot Chick With No Personality. I will even apologize for such standards as America's Biggest Glutton/Whore/Jerk and When Bears/Babies/Cars Attack if a certain country apologizes for starting the reality tv genre to begin with.
I will certainly say I'm sorry about foisting such stellar acts as Backstreet Boys, R. Kelly and Kid Rock upon the world, but there are countries that need to apologize in return for Avril Lavigne, The Spice Girls and Creed. Yes, I know Creed is American, but I am refusing to accept responsibility for Scott Stapp's ego, so I'll be shipping him off to France. Please fill out his citizenship papers, thanks.
Oh, and Romania? Say you're sorry about the Cheeky Girls. Now. You know I never heard the song "Touch My Bum," and I hope I never have to. But if, by some off chance I am tied to a chair and forced to listen to lyrics like Come and smile, Don't be shy,Touch my bum,This is life! I'm going to send Snoop Dogg over and keep him there until you all start using "fo shizzle" as part of your everyday venacular.
I'll trade you one apology for McDonald's Filet-o-Fish in exchange for a mea culpa over haggis or steak tartare. Ok, ok. I'm sorry about Spam. And White Castle burgers. And Jello salads and Jello molds in particular. Take back your head cheese, Sweden!
I'll trade you one Geraldo Rivera for Robert Fisk, but there's no returns and we get to keep Fisk tied up in a basement with a gag around his mouth. Oh, we'll throw in Ted Rall as well if Geraldo isn't sorry enough.
I may as well say I'm sorry about Carrot Top and the Baldwin brothers, but somebody somewhere better apologize for Gerard Depardieu and Fabio.
And France? Say you're sorry for being France. Or just get the hell out of the way.