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one good apology deserves another

I get mail.

Dear A Small Victory,

Stop being a George Bush apologista.

I almost stopped reading, but I had nothing to write about this morning so I decided to read on and see if there was anything worthwhile in the letter.

You Americans have so much to apologize for.

Ok, good enough. I can work with that.

As an American in good standing (I think), I will take it upon myself to apologize for certain slights against good taste and offenses against the delicate nature of certain countries, but you have to apologize as well. Tit for tat, as they say in some other country where the word tit does not elicit giggles, even from adults who know better.

I will apologize for Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire/Pauper/Hot Chick With No Personality. I will even apologize for such standards as America's Biggest Glutton/Whore/Jerk and When Bears/Babies/Cars Attack if a certain country apologizes for starting the reality tv genre to begin with.

I will certainly say I'm sorry about foisting such stellar acts as Backstreet Boys, R. Kelly and Kid Rock upon the world, but there are countries that need to apologize in return for Avril Lavigne, The Spice Girls and Creed. Yes, I know Creed is American, but I am refusing to accept responsibility for Scott Stapp's ego, so I'll be shipping him off to France. Please fill out his citizenship papers, thanks.

Oh, and Romania? Say you're sorry about the Cheeky Girls. Now. You know I never heard the song "Touch My Bum," and I hope I never have to. But if, by some off chance I am tied to a chair and forced to listen to lyrics like Come and smile, Don't be shy,Touch my bum,This is life! I'm going to send Snoop Dogg over and keep him there until you all start using "fo shizzle" as part of your everyday venacular.

I'll trade you one apology for McDonald's Filet-o-Fish in exchange for a mea culpa over haggis or steak tartare. Ok, ok. I'm sorry about Spam. And White Castle burgers. And Jello salads and Jello molds in particular. Take back your head cheese, Sweden!

I'll trade you one Geraldo Rivera for Robert Fisk, but there's no returns and we get to keep Fisk tied up in a basement with a gag around his mouth. Oh, we'll throw in Ted Rall as well if Geraldo isn't sorry enough.

I may as well say I'm sorry about Carrot Top and the Baldwin brothers, but somebody somewhere better apologize for Gerard Depardieu and Fabio.

And France? Say you're sorry for being France. Or just get the hell out of the way.


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» I'm sorry, too from Gut Rumbles
michele is apologizing for The Great Sins Of The United States Of America. She did a good job of crawling [Read More]


Rall holds dual citizenship with the other country being France. We're only partly responsible for him.

You forgot squeezalbe cheese...if you apologize for that, I'll apologize for Alannis Morrisette.

I'm still trying to figure out what I could possibly want to get rid of for warm beer and snails.

Jane, I'll trade you Barney for Peter Jennings.

I'll apologise for EuroDisney, if they apologise for helping get our military stuck with the 9mm.

And I'll apologise for Ford knocking Ferrari out of the top spot in the mid 60's, if they apologise for the Le Car and the Yugo.

1. Why am I not suprised that Rall has a France citizenship?

2. I will never, ever apologize for squeezable cheese. Cheese in any form is always good. But throw in an apology for Tom Green and Celine Dion and I'll think about it.

3. There is no apologizing for the Yugo. Ever.

I thought you said you loved Kid Rock!? hehe :)

What I said was I once bought a Kid Rock cd. And it was a post about confessions. And the cd is now a coaster.

I'm going to sue you for libel.

If you apologise for kicking our asses when you wanted independence, we'll apologise for not kicking some sense into your's about Kyoto, the Balistic Missile treaty and supporting Iraq in the 1980s

Actually, we get to blame Europe for the Backstreet Boys. They're American but they were superstars in Europe long before they were even released in the US. And lets not even get into the Spice Girls.

Oh, and Matt: You're flat wrong about Kyoto and the ABM treaty.

-- Erik

Why on earth would you apologize for White Castle hamburgers? They're yummy!

"And France? Say you're sorry for being France. Or just get the hell out of the way."

I agree, but don't forget Germany...

France wants Jerry Lewis. No apologies necessary.

I'm sorry that the french are french...but I guess somebody has to be.

you can say all the mean things about France you want, if you can just send us a Taco Bell. In return, I can take all American mimes. After all, there's a lovely mime university here.

Michele, I just saw the Cheeky Girls on "Top of the Pops" last week. I was so startled and amused, I called Fred down and backed up the program. We were amazed at the simple stupidity of it, and marveled at the gyrating pelvises.

Fred immediately went into Kazaa and downloaded five different versions of "Touch my Bum". And then scarred me for life by playing them back-to-back.

hee hee hee Tit... hee hee hee

I'm sorry, did you say something else after that?

You know what? I know I'm just a stupid little niave teenager and all, but how about a little THANK YOU and a little bit of gratitude and stick by the USA for us saving Frances ASS for them twice in World Wars??? I mean, come on France, if it wasn't for the USA becoming involved in WWI and WWII, (which we really didn't HAVE to do) France, and all the rest of Europe probably wouldn't exist right now, or if they did, they certainly wouldn't be the same as they are today. But Nooooooooooooo they don't seem to remember that it was our manpower and military might that re-established French government. A great uncle of mine was in the occupation forces that marched into Paris, and I remember him telling about how DeGaulle (sp?) was allowed to lead the parade into Paris, even though DeGaulle couldn't have beaten anyone! I have been to France, many times, been to Paris many times, it is beautiful, but talk about unfriendly people. People were friendlier in Saudi Arabia! okay me done now, I will shut up and study World History as everyone intends kids to do, and ignore facts that are obvious.

"Kicking our asses when you wanted independence": US Revolutionary War was't that cut-and-dried, remember... Britain was defeating the Continental Army often enough.
Besides, you got to sack DC during the War of 1812, remember? :)

...well, I suppose I SHOULD apologize that we messed up their minds with confusion over just what the hell the sport of "football" really is, but then I think about all those incredibly awful Benny Hill skit collections continually hawked on late-nite TV and I think "naw, the hell with 'em"....

Oh. My. God. I just laughed so hard I hit my head on the windowsill. I still couldn't stop laughing. You rock, Michele.

mm french fries, french kissing and french toast..

Down Zander, Down! (kids these days.)

Since Joe Millionaire is shot in France, can't we blame the French for that too? And really, can we work out some kind of deal whereby we GIVE them Jerry Lewis, and they just shut up?

Americanos must also apologize for: Henry Ford, AG Bell, Edison, Liberating Deutschland, Itlay, France, and the fall of communism in Eastern European States, Perfecting Nuclear power (and bombs), The Simpsons (Not OJ.....hes ok), Capitalism and Buergers and fries.....What has france brought us? Public executions, white battle flags, cloning and world wars hat americans died in and for......We should give France back to Germany....PS: In High School Kid Rock wore a clock around his neck, gave break dancing lessons and had real high hair....The Kid wasnt well liked or as well liked as others make him out to be. His sister wanted to be an actress but only turned out to be the town bike.....

I was just bitching to someone from France about how we had to save their asses twice in the past on my own blog yesterday. I ended up deleting the post because I made the French woman it was addressed to cry. I'm such a sap.

I own a Peugeot. I'm sorry. Does that cover it?

i'm sorry i got the lyrics to 'touch my bum' wrong. i was doing it by ear.

and zander, i'm sorry canada didn't seem like much help near the end of WW2. our soldiers were a little tired, having been fighting since 1939 and all.

i am really sorry for all the damned movie jingles bryan adams keeps putting out. what's up with that guy?

One little quibble -- White Castle Burgers are Greatness. No need to apologize. Ever been on an all night bender and desperatly needed something to eat and seen the bright shining sign of White Castle beckoning like a Food Goddess . . . ummm . . . neither have I.

I apologize to all of western Europe, on behalf of the US, for not allowing them to experience firsthand the joys of life under the Soviet Union, that glorious workers' paradise that so many of them seem to long for.

Since those from the U.S. seem to be getting a bit cocky about their intervention in both world wars (which we're all very grateful for, but next time can you not be 2 years late?), can I just ask the the U.S. takes back at least one of its contributions to the world: global warming?

I'll take all the global warming I can get, right now, thankewverryamush!!
It's too cold to pee outside.
In Florida.
How sad is that?
(um, the cold part, not the...oh, never mind...)

Matt- crack open a history book and look up "Lend Lease".

Oh, and, uh, Matt, I think we were not only the pioneers of emissions technology, we still are. English, are you? Care to explain the descrepancy btween our adoption of the catalytic converter in 1974, to your goverment adopting it in, in what, 1995?

Sorry- I should have said the technological leaders.

I may be wrong, but the industrial revolt did not only take place in the US. You didnt have to adopt such concepts like the auto, the assembly line, oil, etc etc. By the way, why does China have such a pollution problem? Because of our contributions to Western Culture?

Bill H.: Ah, yes, Lend-Lease, what an astonishing example of American generosity and assistance. Next time there's a massive terrorist attack on U.S. soil, we (and Mexico) will make sure that we get payment in advance to cover the extra airport usage of all of those redirected aircraft.

Michele: Hey, what's wrong with Avril? She's cute in a non-tacky way and actually has some talent. And besides, my countryfolk and I already have to do enough #@!%#% apologizing for Celine Dion, dammit...

Eric- to keep this from becoming an off topic flame war, I'm inviting you to e-mail me so we can debate Lend Lease like adults. No bull, I really mean that. I want to see what you have to say.

Patriotism...dull, dull, dull

However, I will made certain reparations for idiotic British innuendo (Carry On Films, Benny Hill, etc) if you promise to pull network execs to one side for a second and tell them that Friends really, really needs to die now, before the nasal hair becomes as uncontrollable as the long-obvious advent of staleness.

And, technically, Zander boyo, if we're set on justifying war involvement on whether we HAVE to do it or not, it kind of makes a mockery of current US foreign policy aims, now doesn't it?

Yeah, but thanks for saving the free world out of obligation in the end, daddy o. We Europeans were really getting tired over here in the ol' world, having been fighting for, whoa, two years or so...

Oh yeah, forgot to note that Lend-Lease only started in 1941, so Mike wasn't completely off of the mark. It was "show me the money if you want them guns" before that.

But, whatever, the Battle of Britain wouldn't have been so close and exciting if the U.S. had actually been there...

Hey, Crimson Cow, nose hair jokes are ad hominem. Don't know whether to pluck or braid mine. Next, I spose you'll be making fun of ear hair, huh?

Doesn't anyone want to get rid of Michael Moore? I do.

I agree; lets get rid of Moore. Less Moore is more good......hes fanatic.....

I just had a rather nice e-mail from Eric, and to Matt, not only am I properly chastised, I apologise. I opened my mouth before I engaged my brain , and as a result, inserted foot, ankle, and calf. Lend Lease was from March 1941.

Ooh...Avril, one of my favorite topics.

My own comments from about a week ago.

"That Bitch Avril" thread at Survivor Sucks.

I'm willing to do trades if you apologize for Mark Burnett and Simon Cowell. Say, Al Sharpton and Pat Buchanan? Or do the Australians and Brits (respectively) not care about them?


I CAN'T believe you fisked an Avril interview. That may have to be one of the wrongest things I have ever seen--not the fisking per se, which was average, but the very CONCEPT itself--the chick oughta kick your ass out of principle (admit it, she could)... =P

Snoop Dogg: Yo Cheeky girls i'm gonna pop some caps in that ass if you don't shake you schnizz on Snoop's Romainian Girls gone wild, fa shizzle.

I'm shocked you apologized for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire when the Brits started it and actually brought it over!! Now, we can apologize for Regis... How about some Thank You's? We can thank Britain for Big Brother (the show and George Orwell's), Survivor (Have you seen the British one? It's SO much better), Eddie Izzard and Monty Python! We can thank France for mayonaise. We can thank Italy for scooters (ciao), the world's best olive oil, and the Renaissance. And Mexico for tortillas and carnitas. And thanks to Canada for Rick Moranis, William Shatner and Dave Thomas (the actor, not the Wendy's guy). There, I'm all thanked out.

It used to be:

The French they are a funny race
They fight with their feet and f**k with their face

But now its:

The French they are a funny race
They wouldn't fight if you were raping their grandmother and blowing up the Eiffle tower and have holes in the knees of their pants from bowing before dictators while trying to perform fellatio to avoid getting their asses beat down...

Damn, they've even ruined poetry...

Thank France for "Do you have any Grey Poupon?" Nope. Mine's brown and I always wipe.

Maybe instead of Thanksgiving Day, we could have I'm Sorry Day?

Concerning global warming: do you really think the Arabs care? As long as countries keep buying it they are happy. So in a sense; the more pollution the happier they are.

Every day is 'I'm sorry day'...

The global warming thing started in Europe during the Industral Revolution in Victorian times. Pate' and the motor scooter, 'nough said.

A truly amazing post of breathtaking ignorance.

It does, however, nicely point up the insecurities of some Americans vis a vis the Europeans.

Hey, Guy? I think you dropped your sense of humor on the way over here.

Michele? My sense of humor is intact; I fear your understanding of nuance isn't.

Even if we were to look at this post as a tongue-in-cheek exercise, you've got many of your 'facts' and comparisons wrong. And you're pandering to an audience, as evidenced by the comments, that is woefully unaware this post is an attempt at satire.

Relly the funny thing about this post is reading the comments of the insecure Europe-bashers.

Ah, yes. The Europeans never engage in any America bashing, the stand-up people that they are.


William Shatner is Canadian? I was all ready to apologize for him.

I apologize for Madonna (the singer of course), Jerry Falwell, Noam Chomsky (who used to be a smart guy, really) and Guy Cabot no matter where he's from. Heh.

Funny post _

Sure they do, Michele.

Some of it justified, some of it not.

Just because most of Europe doesn't immediately rubberstamp Shrub's nonsensical War on Iraq--it doesn't mean they're 'bashing' America or they're pro-Saddam. It means their self-interests don't mesh with Shrub's political desires to push the lousy economy off the frontpages.

BTW, Michele, you have an impressively designed blog.

Nah it just means that they're parasites Guy. France will benefit just as much as the rest of the western world when we finish breaking the culture of terrorism 15 years from now or something. But by pretending to be against us they insure that the next big terrorist attack will be on London or New York again, but not Paris.


I'm sorry for the M16. THis unreliable, underpowered rifle led Western militaries right off the cliff of miniaturization. To think, it was the replacement for what was and is still the best battle rifle in the world, the M14 (the only other rifle that comes close is the excellent Belgian FN/FAL rifle). Now, Europe, in exchange, you can apologize for Communism, another fatally flawed concept. Or, you can just let us take our troops out of Europe, freeing up for service where they'll really make a difference, instead of simply being spat upon.

I will accept nothing less than a groveling plea for forgiveness from Europe for the Speedo swimsuits that plague U.S. beaches during tourist season.

But I'm not the most bearable tourist myself, so if I visit any of your countries, I apologize in advance.

"When Animals Attack is the finest show ever conceived by man. It is my opinion that if you put a hat on a bear, you deserve whatever comes next." -- Gabe at Penny Arcade