somebody's watching me...
I've been thinking about John Edward and the voices from beyond. Dangerous stuff, I know.
See, I'm wondering about all these dead people that are supposedly lurking around. If John Edward can really talk to the deceased, then why doesn't he put it to good use?
Ask Jesus what really happened back there with Pilate. Ask Kennedy if he knows who was after him. Resolve unsolved murders - just contact the victims and say "who did it?"
But that's not what really bugs me about this whole thing.
Say John Edwards really can talk to dead people. Say that voiced from beyond exist and they know everything that is happening in our lives, just like on the tv show.
Do they watch us go to the bathroom? Are they hovering around us all the time, my grandmother peering down at me as I go down on my husband, my dead aunts sadly shaking their heads as I let dishes sit in the sink for days?
And if they are around and want to help us so much that they reach out to some lonely schmoe from Long Island in an attempt to set us straight, why don't they do it more often?
Couldn't the ghosts of fashion idols from the past have whispered to Lara Flynn Boyle that she was making a huge mistake the other night? I'd like Ernest Hemingway or Mark Twain to sit down next to me and tell me what I'm doing wrong when I write. I want Washington himself to come over for dinner and help my son study for his test on the Revolution, and then Natalie could conjur up some spirits from the Crusades to help her out with her project.
We could straighten out all this mess with Christopher Columbus and find out which Menendez brother was really guilty get all those long-forgotten recipes from Aunt Rosa.
Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work that way. The only voices from beyond that want to do any talking are the ones who have the least to say. Yea, yea we know Aunt Mary is watching over baby Johnny and we are real happy to hear that Mr. Rosenbaum was greeted by his mom when he died. I want the good stuff, the lies that people died holding onto, the buried treasure in someone's backyard, and whether or not Joey Ramone and Joe Strummer have started up a band yet.
And, of course, I want to know the answer to the burning question: if the dead are out there watching us, do they follow us into the bathroom? Do they watch us have sex? Do they get to have sex in the afterlife?
The hell with John Edward. We need a talk-to-the-dead psychic who is going to talk to the right people.