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Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family

Best news I've heard all week:

simpsons.jpgFox has renewed The Simpons through 2005! Woohooo!

I know, right now a bunch of you are thinking, big deal, Simpson jumped the shark ages ago. It's not funny anymore. To you I say, EAT MY SHORTS!

I guess it's time for another round of "What's your favorite Simpsons quote." Go ahead, you know you want to.


"No one who speaks German can be evil!"

FWIW, I start German 1 on Tuesday. ;D

There's so many good ones.

"No TV and no beer make Homer something something."

"Go crazy?"

"Don't mind if I do!"

Ahh, actors! Is there anything they don't know?

Lisa: "Dad, no, we're trying to conserve energy"

Homer: "Lisa! If we start conserving, the environmentalists win!"

sizzle sizzle

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American Dream?

"Ok Mr. Nibbles, now all I need is for you to chew through my ball sack."

Ralph: "Me fail English? That's umpossible!"

"Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a q-tip!!"


There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.


The Gimme: "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." I'm also fond of, "It's a perfectly cromulent term."

The enitre Betty Ford Musical sequence, and the whole Sherry Bobbins episode.

So not a quote, but a little scene...

Homer: affected voice My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.

Postal worker: Okay, Mr. Burns, what's your first name?

cut to outside of post office

Homer: Great plan, BART!

The title of Mr. Burns' autobiography: "Will There Ever be a Rainbow."

Mr. Burns (to a Monkey at a typrewriter):
"It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?! You stupid monkey!"

Ralph: "It tastes like burning."

Homer: "To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

Groundskeeper Willie: "Bonjourrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you cheese-eating surrender-monkeys!"

open faced club sand wedge

Simpsons aren't funny anymore? Pshaw! The writing is freshier and more topical than most every other show, let alone one that's been around for over a decade.

As the sign read on the Springfield church a couple of weeks ago, "Welcome angry Catholics."

Homerism most used in own life, "Yes I am the highly suggestable type."

"I have misplaced my pants" - Homer.

Homer: "Jebus? I but I don't even believe in Jebus...Save me Jebus!"

"Mr. Burns, I don't go in for those kind of backdoor shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious."

I'll go against the grain and toss in my (current) favorite Futurama quote, from Morvo the alien newscaster:



"In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

A robot, emerging from the Springfield Robotics Lab which was just set on fire by rioters:


and, the helicopter pilot taking everyone to Itchy and Scratchy Land:

"Welcome to Itchy and Scratchy Land, where nothing can possiblie go wrong-- uh, possibLEE go wrong. [pause] That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong."

Lisa: He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...
Homer (walking by): My ears are burning.
Lisa: uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning, I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.


Bart Simpson: What a day, eh Milhouse. The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding.

The citizens in Lysa science experiment: "We've learned to imatute her exartly."

Ralph: "My breath smells like cat food!"

Skinner: Oh, you think this stolen 'H' is a laugh riot, don't you? Well I'll tell you something that's not so funny: right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl!"

Bullies [raucus laughter]

Skinner: Heh, well I guess it is a little funny...

"I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, plese save me, Superman"
"The Federal Highway Commision has ruled the Canyonero is unsafe for highway or city driving...."
-Ariana Huffinpuffington

Oh dear.. here we go.

"Respect for law is the basis of our society. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? Because they were funny? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing!"
-- Homer

"Mmm... Soylent Green..."
-- Homer

"Oh, an overweight Star Trek fan! You must be a killer with the ladies!"
-- random salesperson to the Comic Store Guy

"Following the example of the Galaxy's most logical race, the Vulcans, people will now only have sex once every seven years. While for most of you, this is a decrease, for me, it is a sharp increase."
-- Comic Store Guy

"I've followed every part of the Bible--even the parts that contradict the other parts."
-- Ned Flanders

"Have you ever actually read this thing? [the Bible] It's a sin to go to the bathroom."
-- Rev. Lovejoy

"Swipe one pair of Hagar slacks and you're paying for it the rest of your life!"
-- Krusty the Klown

"'Troy, Matt Parker. Have you ever heard of Planet of the Apes?'

'Uh.. the movie, or the planet?'

'The brand new multi-million dollar musical! And they want you to star as the human.'

'It's the part I was born to play, baby!'"
-- Troy McClure and agent.

Okay, I'd better stop now before I accomplish nothing else today.

Lisa: They can't actually expect us to swallow this tripe??

Skinner: And now, as a free gift from the meat industry, please help yourselves to this mouthwatering tripe!

Homer: "There there, shut up boy. Crying won't bring your dog back...unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can sit there crying, eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food that your dog comes back, or you can get out there and find your dog!"

Bart: "You're right dad, I'm gonna go find santa's little helper right now."

Homer: "Awww, I almost had him eating dog food!"

I have a few:
- Homer: "I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!"
- Pre-recorded telephone voice: three tones "The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm... now."
- Homer: "WOOHOO! Look at that blubber fly!"
- Homer: "Mmmmm.... free goo."
- Apu: "An all-syrup Squishy? Such a thing has never been attempted.... If you survive, please come again!" (edited for brevity)
- Comic Book Guy: "Worst. Episode. Ever."

Homer: Hey, do we get to land on an aircraft carrier?
Pilot: No, Sir, the closest vessel in the USS Walter Mondale. It's a laundry ship.

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

Oh, and a few more I just thought of...

- Robert Goulet: "Jingle Bells/Batman smells/Robin laid an egg..."
- Groundskeeper Willie: "I've got to save the wee turtles.... Save me from the wee turtles!"
- Bart: "Can't sleep, clown'll eat me."
- (Homer offers Lisa a donut) Lisa: "No thank you. You got any fruit?"/Homer: "This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit."
- Chief Wiggum: "Ah, no, you've got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2."

I'm going from memory here, so forgive me if I get a few lines wrong:

ABE SIMPSON: "We can't break heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One way is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my show. So, I took the ferry over to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in these days. I had an onion tied to my belt, which I was the style at the time. Now, to get the ferry you needed a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. 'Gimme 5 bees for a quarter,' we'd say. Now, where was I? Oh, the important part of this story is that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any of these green onions, so I had to wear one of these yellow ones."

Homer, upon entering a 3D world: "There's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I'd read that book by that wheelchair guy..."

Damian, not exact, but close enough to bestow the Simpsons Crown of Achievement upon you.

"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. 'Give me five bees for a quarter', you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah...the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war; the only thing you could get was those big yellow ones."

Barneys Japanese Girlfriend: "I would like a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a mans hat"

Homer: "Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family."

Homer: "And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

Lionel Hutz: "We have hearsay and speculation - those are KINDS of evidence!"

Homer: "Lisa, in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

Gretchen, either your station brutally edited the clip, or you're misremembering one of the funniest parts of that scene:

So not a quote, but a little scene...

Homer: affected voice My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.

Postal worker: Okay, Mr. Burns, what's your first name?

Homer: same goofy affected voice, enunciating precisely (pause). "I don't know."

Ralph: Hi Principal Skinner....
Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers......

Hutz: Uh oh, we've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge Simpson: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Hutz: Well, replace the word kinda with the word repetadly, and the word dog...with son.


"Illegal Immigrants are the glue that holds together the gears of our economy."
-Homer Simpson

(Homer lists numerous meats and asks Lisa what she wants)
Lisa: Do you have anything that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: I think the veil may have died of lonliness.

Here's some of the very best ones:

Rich Texan: Aww you are so full of it! God's grace that is. It's really sickening!... There aren't more people like you. Now get out!.... Your pen. And we'll make it official.

Otto: Spell AC/DC
Lisa: A C D C

Bart: Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Santa.

Marge: It's time for the Church Picnic.
Homer: But they had a picnic last week!
Marge: No, they didn't. You just brought a bucket of chicken to church.
Homer: Hey. If God didn't want us to eat in church, he would have made gluttony a sin.

Homer: So Barney's like... "you're on your own, duuude" and I'm like "not even!"
Lisa: I don't know what this has to do with the Civil War.
Homer: I'm getting to that.

Marge: They told us what to wear, how to dress, which clothes we should put on.

Bart: Ice cream at church? I'm intrigued, yet suspicious!
Lisa: Wow. Look at all these flavours. Blessed Virgin Berry, Commandmint, Bible Gum...
Rev. Lovejoy: Or, if you'd prefer, we also have Unitarian icecream.
Lisa: There's nothing here!
Rev. Lovejoy: Exactly.

Homer: Any child would love this activity center, it teaches them while they learm.

Marge: No, Homer you're going to get yourself killed!
Homer: Or die trying!

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Homer: Say, is that our house!?
Bart: I don't think our house has a steeple.
Homer: Oh yeah. I forget things sometimes.

Okay, I think that's enough out of me.