VRWC: Nothing but a Nigerian scam
I got your contact from a nice young Democratic activist who we kidnapped
and forced to work in one of the secret "Bush oil wells" in the "no-fly
zones" in Iraq.
I am John Hawkins, a nephew of Henry Kissenger, the current head of Security
for the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Unfortunately, last month Condi Rice
decided to challenge Henry for the position. Per the rules, the winner was
the first one able to kill 50 terrorists imported from Gitmo with one of our
Ronald "Maximus" Reagan M-Class Mech Warriors. Henry won, but we began to
suspect that Condi was a sore loser when a Hellfire missile fired from a
Predator hit one of Henry's mansions the next day. Then there was the poison
in the caviar, the cobras someone put in the bathtub, and the brainwashed
Jennifer Anniston clone who tried to strangle Henry with her bra.
At this point, we've been forced to go on the run to the one place Condi
won't dare come after us -- Crawford, Texas. During the mad dash out to the
AC-130 gunship that was flying us away, I ran across two trunks full of cash
that Henry made from his child labor sweatshops in Guatemala. Unfortunately,
he hadn't yet deposited the money in his Swiss bank accounts.
Much to our dismay, the heat is still on in Crawford. W. is keeping Condi
away from us -- for now. But, no one has been able to calm her down yet.
Every time we think Jonah Goldberg or William Buckley is about to get Condi
to forget about trying to assassinate Henry, Ann Coulter will start getting
her all fired up again (Henry sent Ann a Jimmy Carter bobblehead doll for
Christmas and Ann hasn't forgiven him yet).
So that's why I need your help. I need you to come to Crawford, Texas to
pick the 30 million dollars that was in uncle Henry's trunks so you can take
it to Marget Thatcher's villa on the Thames. If you're willing to help us
out, not only will I give you 30% of the money, I'll get you into the VRWC.
I'm hoping to hear from you as soon as possible. Make sure to keep this
email confidential since the VRWC scans and reads all emails going in and
out of Europe to see if anyone over there has gotten wind of our upcoming
invasion. I expect to hear from you as soon as possible. In fact, make sure
to respond today before Condi hears about this and has you eliminated (if
you see a woman who looks like Jennifer Anniston walking towards you with a
bra in her hands, run for your life).
I sent him this reply:
I am in receipt of your email dated January 15, 2003.
While I appreciate your sentiments entirely, it is not in practice to commit to ventures without first consulting my attorney. I will forward the email to my counselor, John Ashcroft.
I hope that his answer will give me the go ahead I need to clear some
funds out of my incredibly large trust, left to me by my wealthy parents who died mysteriously when they were campaigning against
Hillary Clinton in the senate race.
Best wishes for your venture,
Wealthy, naive thrill seeker
Still haven't heard from him yet, but I have my credit card and bank account numbers handy. When I finally visit Maggie and take care of business, I will gladly share my riches with all of you.