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how to grow a bully

So, what happened to prompt me to post in the middle of a work-related nervous breakdown is this: I have finally seen what the liberalization of education has done to our school systems.

DJ has been having a problem with a bully. It's the same bully as last year, the same one who took his money, the same one who wouldn't let him play soccer on the playground. This year he has taken to physically threatening DJ.

After chatting the with the mother of DJ's best friend, I realized that my son's rants about this bully were not borne of exaggeration. Apparently DJ's friend is also tormented by Big Bully, to the extent that he cries every morning that he doesn't want to go to school.

I spoke to the teacher about it. The class is unruly, she says. It's the worst class she has ever had. She has no control. DJ and his friend, however, are model students who never do anything wrong.

Well, of course not. They are terrified of even moving around in their seats.

Today I called the principal. He gave me a touchy-feely response about how we must take into consideration the bully's feelings. After all, Mr. Principal said, Big Bully's mother died.

Yes, I say. I am aware that Big Bully's mother died four years ago. For how long will he continue to get a sympathetic pat on the back every time he acts up?

I mean, what is the statute of limitations on using your mother's death as an excuse for atrocious behavior?

Well, Mr. Principal says, we have tried peer mediation and peer review with Big Bully. I sent home a pamphlet that will help his father and step-mother go over the proper way to express anger.

See, that's the thing, I say. He has no reason to be angry at my son or my son's friend. If he wants to express anger, I suggest that the classroom is not the appropriate place to do it.

Oh, says Mr. Principal. When he expresses anger in the classroom, he gets sent up here to me.

And then what happens?

He has to sit on the bench for a few minutes while he thinks about his behavior.

And then?

And then he goes back to class.

And he behaves that way all over again.

Well, says Mr. Principal again, and I can almost see him rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Do you think there is something your son or his friend is doing to egg Big Bully on? Perhaps they have angered him in some way?

I chuckle. I ask if this is not a case of blaming the victims.

Uh, no. I was just wondering why the antagonism between them, he says.

Well, gee. Perhaps if Big Bully spent some time talking to you when he came up for his "punishment" instead of just sitting on a bench staring out the window, you may get him to talk about it. I said something to that effect.

Oh, no, Mr. Principal says. We don't want Big Bully to feel like we are against him. We have to be careful of the children's feelings. We have to be sure not to hurt anyone in the process of healing.

What about my son? What about his feelings and his hurt?

We could take drastic measure and remove your son from the class or arrange for some teaching time in the resource center, away from the other kids.

That seems like what you should be doing for Big Bully, not for his victims.

We need to understand Big Bully and his actions. Perhaps if your son was taken out of the equation we could see what is really going on with the bully, how he behaves when your son is out of the classroom.

At this point I'm ready to ask him if owns a "No blood for oil" t shirt.

He talks for a few more minutes about the mediation programs and the peer programs and the need to understand the Bully's motives. Mr. Principal assures me that they don't take this kind of thing lightly, despite what I may think.

I bring up the subject of Nick, the boy who was the bully while my daughter was at the school. Nick threw a chair at a teacher. Nick cursed the school nurse out. Nick was caught with a knife. Nick used to hide in the girl's bathroom.

Nick was never suspended, never punished. In fact, Nick had the lead role in the school play. They thought it would be good for him.

Mr. Principal says they dealt with Nick the best way the could.

Which was, I say, to not deal with him at all. And then to reward him for his behavior.

I tell Mr. Principal I have to go, it was nice chatting with him and that I would be calling the school district as soon as I hung up with him.

The school district, when made aware of the problems, asked me if I wanted to have DJ speak to the social worker in order to "work out his issues." When reminded that my son was not the one who needed to deal with his issues, the kind woman told me "we have to tread lightly with people like Big Bully. They need to be encouraged, not discouraged. Sending him to counseling will only hurt his self esteem and make him behave worse."

I hung up. Talk about discouraged.

Now, I deal with things my way. Big Bully's father owns the pizza place a few blocks from my house. I'll be taking a ride over there today to deal with this one on one, parent to parent. Though I know other mothers and fathers have gone this route before and returned home with heads bowed, defeated by the Father of Big Bully, also known as Big Bully, Sr., I will not be defeated.

If all else fails, I am just going to teach DJ how to throw a roundhouse punch and knock Big Bully flat on his ass. The hell with peace and appeasement. This is where it gets us. Nowhere.

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I simply do not have the words for this ongoing situation over at Michele's. Her son and classmates are dealing with a bully, mainly by becoming completely withdrawn at school [Read More]

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» Bullies, Redux from The Eleven Day Empire
Check out this utterly appalling and infuriating tale that's related by Michelle at A Small Victory. It concerns her son, [Read More]

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Michele's kid DJ is having problems at school with a bully. The principal of the school is apparently yet another [Read More]

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This pathetic story begins one year ago, in a post from A Small Victory. Seems a bully had been having a grand old time terrorizing Michele's son, so she tried to take action: Today I called the principal. He gave me a touchy-feely response about how w... [Read More]

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Comments

Kudos to you.
I mean that.
It's great that you care enough to take matters into your own hands when you don't get the answers you want.
I'm proud of you(for what it's worth).

Be prepared for some disappointment if yer kiddo beats the hell out of Big Bully. The hammer will come down, and not in your favor. Violence Never Solves Anything, And Such Behavior Is Never Tolerated. Think your kid will have to spend some time sitting on a bench? No. They'll recommend suspension, or something of the sort. Big Bully's feelings got hurt. You can't even make the play that now your kid is the victim because he Acted Out His Anger.

What you should teach your kid is to band with his other friends, find Big Bully wandering off by himself, and ambush him, slap him around a lot, explain to him his social error, and that if he tells anybody, worse beatings will follow. He'll get the point eventually.

Hmmm, think I'll be enrolling my kid in Kung Fu as early as possible. And I'll take it with them so that if they bully other kids I'll still be able to kick their ass.

Do schools not realize that bullies pick on other kids for no reason, simply because they can? I mean, I'm sure there are underlying esteem issues, etc, but they seek out who they perceive as unable to fight back and go after them.

One in particular felt that way about me back in junior high - of course, it wasn't long before I was friends with a very large football player and had him put a stop to it (whether he did it through intimidation or actualy physicality, I care not and know not). Live by the sword, etc etc.

As for my children, they're going to be not-terribly-tall (I'm 5 feet 8, my wife is 5 feet) and have red-hair (we're both redheads) - and I plan to have them enrolled in martial arts as soon as possible. If another kid physically threatens them, they will have my blessing to kick the living crap out of them - we'll deal with the consequences afterward.

The people who say violence never solves anything are the ones who continually get their asses beaten.

If your kid gets in trouble for fighting and gets suspended, take him on a vacation somewhere fun. Fuck the school.

"violence never solves anything" "violence only begets violence" Bullshit! the meek will not inherit the earth and the sooner big bully gets his nose broken the better things will be for your son and all the other victims. Even if your son gets his ass beat, odds are the Bully will move on to easier prey, because as we all know bullies are lazy as well as cowards.

good girl. go talk to the father, and he might actually solve it. and teach dj to fight. the first time he kick's big bully's ass, he might get detention or something, but the nasty little fuck will leave him alone in the future.

in the meantime, print out this entry, and get the principal to sign it, verifying that they were his words. then store it somewhere safe, so you have solid evidence of his negligence when this kid goes postal someday, or one of his victims puts a bullet in his head in the middle of algebra.

bullies don't ever stop being bullies unless someone forces them to stop. he'll do it when he's older, and he'll do it to his wife and kids. i'm proud of you for taking the hard road.

My 7-year old got picked on and I got the same whiny drivel from the school officials. When my son had enough of it, he whacked the older kid in the face with his backpack full of books.

Problem solved with bully.

New problem with school admin. MY kid is now a bully for defending himself!

Solution: Told admin FYVM, kid can defend himself. Suspend him, he'll enjoy the break!

and ditto what brandon said. "you know fighting's wrong, right dj? and you never hurt anybody except in self defense, right? good. pack a bag. we're going to disneyworld." you rock, brandon. will you be my dad?

and andy: speaking as a former skinny redhead kid, if you're a shrieking, whirling ball of orange hair, fists, and steel-toed shoes, you don't need to know karate. ;)

Frankly, I think the ass kicking needs to be delivered to DJ's principal and school district. They need to realize that thier behavior is enabling the bully's behavior, not stopping it. This isn't liberalism, this is experimental child psychology - nothing I ever took in university advocated this style of 'child management'.

It's crap, and you don't need them to dish it to you. It's not DJ's issue, but maybe you need to start talking 'expensive child psychologists' and 'lawsuits to pay the bills'. Maybe that will cause them to wake up - kids who were beaten up have launched some very successful lawsuits against schools who were found negligent for stopping harassment - after it was clearly pointed out to them, and nothing was done.

Teachers aren't parents, but it's the schools responsibility to make sure no one is harassed while on school property.

We had a similar situation in Kelsey's class, Michele. There was one student who acted out repeatedly, and the class actually had an emergency plan for what to do SPECIFICALLY for this one child when he acted up. One group went behind the teacher's desk, another went behind a bookcase, and two students were designated to run for the office. When I found that out, my blood alternately ran cold and boiled.

One day the kid freaked out in the lunchroom and ended up punching the teacher. When the principal refused to remove the child from the classroom, several of the parents went to the school board, and to the district office. Apparently each district has a "Child Advocate". The child advocate sat in the classroom, talked to the kids, and in the end, recommended a special school for the child who had caused the problems.

I don't know if that's an option for you, but you might look into whether your district has a Child Advocate as well.

I wouldn't talk to the father and in a situation like this, talking to the principal is a waste of time. You need to make sure your son gets in a fight with this bully. Win or lose, it doesn't matter. People like that want easy prey and if your son fights, they'll move on. Besides, your son needs to fight with this kid for his own self-esteem.

Just tell him that the next time the bully even looks at him funny, punch him in the mouth and keep going after this guy no matter what happens until he gets pulled off of him.

Win or lose, your kid will be better off and I say that from personal experience.

No... Do not take this path.

I'm sorry, you CANNOT win... but you can lose even worse than you are doing so.

I had a problem with bullies... one day, after taking too much crap from one, I broke a chair over his head (I was much smaller than he was, anything less would have ended up with my face smashed against the nearest hard object, which is what happened when the teacher's attention lapsed anyway).

My sin? My nickname was 'chessmaster' because I was observed playing it one day. Apparently, you are supposed to beat chessmasters' skulls against concrete walls to sharpen their skills.

So, they deicided to put me AND the bully in the Special-Ed problem. Now I was surrounded by nothing BUT bullies. Great.

I got out of the special-ed program... I never belonged in it in the first place... but not before one of them sent me to the hospital.

Do you know what bitterness is? I do. It is hatred that is too strong to go away yet too old to be rage. I will never forget the public school system as a cage of animals.

There is no good solution, but there are indeed worse ones. I am sorry if this seems like cowardace, but I know the effects of insitutionalised nonjudgementalism firsthand.

Long long ago, I had the same problem with a bully in 9th grade. My solution (after 6 months of pointless 'negotiation' and emotional distress) was to drop him face-first (ala Jake the Snake) on the sidewalk in front of the school during lunch period.

He switched schools, I served an hour's detention, and that was that...

Our neighborhood bully, Jay, specialized in sneak attacks. He’d walk up to you, smiling, and punch you in the stomach – or run up behind you and push you into a gravel driveway.

Once he pushed me onto the sidewalk, then ran away. I chased after him, cursing and shouting. After that, he never picked on me again. He still hit other kids, but he’d walk away from me.

I thought it was my withering sarcasm that had scared him away, but my father later confessed that he’d gone over to Jay’s parents’ house and threatened to sue their asses if he pushed me again.

But I’d have to agree with Shel’s comment. If anyone should be threatened with a lawsuit, it should be the school. They really are making life very comfortable for bullies.

Sorry to say it but I think you fell into a "trap" (so to speak) when you were on the phone with the principal. You're not the bully's parent, nor even his principal, he's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to keep your son safe, and the principal's responsibility is to keep his students safe (and I'm certain that safety takes precedence over self esteem) you should have underscored that. Plus, you should have known the principal would be a classic bureaucratic weenie and you should have dealt with him accordingly, using the appropriate code words to force him to pay attention, especially the one-two punch of "lawsuit" and "publicity".

Not that I want to criticise you, since there's not much you can do to improve the school's problems. I applaud your efforts to teach DJ self-defense, that will provide useful results with regard to bullies. Unfortunately though, if he does defend himself against the bully he runs a high chance of being punished by the school (yes, it's brain-fucked, but that's the way it is these days).

I wish you the best of luck in your efforts. The most important thing is to keep your son safe and to teach him how to provide for his own safety, years in the future whether or not he served a few days in detention will be unimportant, but how he dealt with bullies will be.

Rewarding DJ for beating the bully is likely to make Natalie rebel against you though...

Maybe if you could orchestrate some sort of "Spy Kids" scenario for them...

I agree with John Hawkins. You've shown DJ that the first step is to follow the rules, and report the problem to the authorities. Now that they've refused to take action, it's up to him to protect himself. He and his buddy should beat the crap out of this kid.

I doubt you'll get anywhere with the kid's dad. This behavior is usually, though not always, learned at home.

Oh, and as to sending DJ in to fight this kid. DO NOT DO IT. Why? Because DJ is not prone to violence, and this other kid is.

We're not talking a simple kid scrap. When you send someone who isn't prone to agressiveness/violence against someone who is, he could get hurt. And I don't mean bumps and bruises. I mean hospital stay kind of hurt. Bullies like that are disturbed and there may just be no end to the violence.

Sure, DJ could get beat up. Or this kid could snap, lose it, and beat the living hell out of DJ - and be totally unable to stop himself. Bullies now are not the same as bullies when we were kids - some of these kids are already sociopaths at a very young age.

Anyways - my point - don't send DJ in. You don't know what kind of ticking time bomb this kid is, and I wouldn't suggest antagonizing him to find out.

Maybe the next time DJ gets bullied or punched, he should do what an adult has every legal right to do - call the cops and have the bully arrested. Violence is violence, and this "kids will be kids" nonsense is bullshit.

Frankly, spending some time locked in the back seat of a cop car is exactly what the bully needs.

I am the parent of a former "problem child" (now age 22) It was the school that created the problem in the first place. At first the only problems were that he was a little lazy when it came to completing work and (worse in their opinion) didn't use a properly humble and respectful tone of voice when talking to the teachers. Well, OMG it's the end of the world. Bring out the psychologists; they'll fix everything. Boy did they! The more they tried to "help" the worse things got. But that still wasn't as bad as the damage that school policies did.

The school my kids went to when we lived in Virginia had a policy of suspending every student involved in any fight (or even just argument) regardless of who started it. My son was once suspended for preventing a kid from stealing another kid's bike. Another time he was suspended for holding his notebook up in front of his face as a shield against the kid who was about to hit him.

I'm not saying my son was always the victim. He did his share of stuff and when he did they always rewarded him with 3 days off. Now that's discipline! ....NOT!

This post makes my blood boil! I don't even know where to start, I made several tries at writing something here and I can't begin to explain how I feel about this. I will just say that at 32 years old, I STILL have the urge to hunt down those that bullied me in school and made my life hell. DJ and his buddy should tag team this bullies ass and beat the crap out of him. Preferably outside of school so that they can't do anything to him, but beat the crap out of him!

I was Headmaster for a boarding school in India who had suffered from this kind of "leadership". We had a bunch of Big Bullies. I'm 6'2" and 200 lbs. The problem required a "hands-on" approach, which was hard for the first two months, but MUCH easier soon thereafter.

Shel, knowing what kind of person DJ is, is absolutely right. Sending him in to fight this kid will only make the situation worse.

DJ, despite being the oldest in his class, is the smallest kid in the class. I'm sure that's part of the problem. He does not like violence or fighting (unless it's in a video game, which tells how much the people who think violent video games cause violent tendencies are full of shit) and he shirks away from anything of the sort when confronted with it.

Telling him to knock this kid out will only get him beat up. What I want more is to be able to give him the words he needs to stand up to this kid. The pat "you hurt my feelings when you say those things" is not going to cut it.

For the record, the apple does not fall far from the tree. Big Bully's father is not easily approachable and is one of those tough macho man type guys.

I'm really at a loss. I'm waiting to hear from the president of the school board, whom I called this afternoon.

Thanks for all your suggestions. I'm open to anything.

I was bullied throughout elementary school and middle school (after my hyper spell, I became quiet and withdrawn, won the chess tournament in 2nd grade , would rather read or program computers than play at recess ... in order words, a perfect target). One thing you might want to be careful about is turning the situation around, to DJ's disadvantage.

I vividly remember being in a "sensitive" Catholic school after my hell with the public system and having daily "what's wrong with Nellie... why do you bully her?" talks, involving the teacher and the entire class. It was a way of putting me on display - the teachers thought that they were helping me, by trying to "improve" the behavior that was causing my problems, but to this day it still hurts.

Good luck, and just make sure he knows that a lot of people who were bullied as a child have grown into great people... it can be hard to understand that at a young age, but "this too shall pass". I'm still bitter, but every day I wake up and it's a little less. He's a good kid, from what I've read, and nothing is going to take that away from him.

But hey, after my experiences, when I hear about someone being treated similar to the way I was, I'm all for a good ass kicking now and then, because it wasn't too long ago that I was in their position. ;)

"spending some time locked in the back seat of a cop car" is going to make this kid think he's cool.

defending yourself isn't about violence, it's about self-esteem, and no one's telling michele to send him in untrained. dj's an athletic kid, and obviously has a good pitching arm for throwing one. good. punch.

Michele, I had this same problem with Mark in 3rd grade with a bully. The teacher wouldn't do anything, the prinicpal wouldn't do anything and the disctrict wouldn't do anything. After weeks of going to school almost daily, i final;ly got them to do something, they suspended big bully and moved my son to another class so that when big bully came back to school, my son was no wheres near him. Good luck with this. I hope it goes well. As for Mark, I taught him where to punch anymore bullies in the nose so that they never touch him again. If you hit square on the bridge of the nose full force, it stings like a mother fucker and bleeds instantly.

I'm sorry, but all this PC shit has go to go. Don't give me this "violence begets violence" shit either. The only thing I'm worried about is DJ's self-esteem and his confidence. When I get done with him, he will learn to defend himself. He will stick up for himself. He will not be the agressor, but he will kick that kid's ass. Problem solved by Aunt Lisa. No if's, and's or but's about it.

Way to go, this whole worring about the bullie's feelings is BS.

I think part of my problem is I am projecting my worries onto DJ.

I was the victim of bullies in elementar school. I was the standard "let's pick on her because we need someone to kick around" kid.

I know how it feels to be that kid. I know how it feels to be afraid to go to school. It hurts me that my son is feeling that way, because I know it's killing him even though he won't let on.

The bottom line is, it's not just affecting his school life, but his home life, too. He sits perfectly still in school, never talks and does everything he's told (which his teacher calls a 'model student') and when he gets home all hell breaks loose because he needs to expend that energy he has been holding in all day. He can't talk back to his teacher, he can't yell back at the bullies, so it all comes out when he gets home.

I should have gone with my instincts from when Natalie started school and homeschooled.

One of the problems is that kids don't have access to justice. Thus we have bullies and the only real way to handle the situation is to make your own justice and kick the bullies ass.

But, you know, we have what we call a justice system for adults, which may or may not be a justice system, but it's all we have. I suppose we also have the junior justice version, juvenile justice--still run by adults, however. (Is akin to the Junior Chamber of Commerce?)

Perhaps if Big Bully does anthing to DJ, swear out an assault complaint against Big Bully--send him to the "big boys" justice system. Maybe he'll get the hint. Or maybe he'll also learn from the experience how to be an even bigger and better asshole.

Maybe DJ should just punch his lights.

My daughter complained that a bully was pushing her around at school. I asked my son about it and he said that this kid just likes to push smaller kids around. There are two years difference between my son and daughter.

I told my son that he should look out for his sister and take care of this kid. Go tell the teacher I said. She just gets mad for interrupting her during recess, I tried that one.

The next day I called my daughter and she said that my son got in trouble at school. I asked my son what happened and he went on to explain that the bully pushed my daughter again and he took care of it. What did you do?, I asked. I went up and kicked him in the nuts. The teacher sent me to the principal.

I explained that he should not pick on people but to protect himself and his sister he did a great job. He asked why he got in trouble and I explained what happened to the signers of the Declaration of Indepenence and how sometimes you get punished for doing the right thing.

She never got bullied again.

Good luck on your quest for justice.

If you're really serious about homeschooling, it can work once you've already been in the school system, with some care. I was for 7th & 8th grades and 11th & 12th as a direct result of the lack of quality in the school system and bullying, and would be happy to share my experiences with you via e-mail if it's something you're even remotely curious about, or anyone else.

Having seen my best friend go through years of hell with the stupid school system and her (incredibly bright, incredibly smart-mouthed son) my suggestion would be to find out where it would hurt them most.

Tell them that if nothing gets done and your son gets hurt you are going to sue the school system for every damn penny they got. Get several parents to go along. Better yet, have your lawyer send a letter next time the bully threatens any of the kids. It usually scares them shitless.

And DO get DJ into a self-defense class. The best ones will teach him how to walk away from a fight as well as how to defend himself. Try out several until you find one you feel comfortable with.

Good luck!

Did some surfing...this is kinda cool. The Wounded Child Project...about giving kids who are bullied a voice. Too bad they're in Washington.

I'm with Jason on this: Teach your kid to wallop some ass, but be aware -- I know this from personal experience -- that fighting back against the bully means that the victim is sowing the wind. In other words, make sure your son doesn't get caught.

Good luck, michele. I was DJ when I was his age, and I was unfortunate enough to be part of a school system that catered to the lowest common denominators. My plight as a student abused by my peers drew polite clucking from those in positions of authority, but little else. I endured, if only because I had no choice but to endure. Fighting simply was not an option I felt comfortable with. I wanted no part of the dog-eat-dog, survival-of-the-fittest pecking order I was expected to participate in.

I wish you well in your struggle to protect DJ. From where I sit, our schools are so concerned with not "losing" children that they end up losing the very ones they are responsible to protect. This may be seem a bit of a stretch, and I hope it doesn't offend anyone, but I wonder if the Columbine tragedy could have been prevented. What IF administrators had simply done their jobs over the years? What IF they had protected the kids who needed it?? What IF...?

Oh dear gods, this is one of my biggest fears...and my son is only in kindergarten!

Michele, if Big Macho Bully doesn't cooperate, hit him where it hurts, fucking play dirty...threaten to sue his ass, he's got a business to lose. Of course this won't magically turn him into a good parent, too fucking late for that, so Aunt Lisa will also need to teach DJ that roundhouse. And might I recommend the knee to the groin as well?

Goddammit, ENOUGH FUCKING EXCUSES!!! Parent your children, people, or get the fuck out of the gene pool.

Michele, I wish you would let me go talk to principal, cause he'd be reall sorry! or i will go talk to guido dad myself, i have no problem dealing with assholes like this and besides Lew carries a gun and will right there with me!!! Please let me do this!!!

This is why I'm so grateful my kid is in college now. We dealt with much the same situation (with a girl) and even had the police called....good luck!

Glad to see Stacy's feeling better...

The last thing you need is another bit of parenting advice. You did right. You're doing right. The results are in the fact that your kids aren't known as "Big Bully" on someone else's blog.

For the record, though, my two-cents is to keep pursuing the proper authorities. They'll eventually do something--even if it's not exactly the right something. Then, you take it from there.

Just let DJ know that no one is allowed to touch him, and it's ok to fight back. I learned in fourth grade that it's amazing how fast a bully runs when the nerdy kid has had enough and punches him in the nose...

I have to say I agree with most of the posters here. Teach your son to defend himself and give him your blessing to kick some bully ass, in self-defense only. Preferably OFF school grounds.

If there are consequences, deal with them. Cross that bridge if and when you come to it. In this case, I believe the consequences are worth it.

There was a bully in my school -- the principal's son, in fact. Big football player Texas frat rat type. A real Bubba. He picked on me all through my sophomore year until finally, one spring day, I had enough and smashed his fucking face in with a 2X4. Broke his nose and shattered both cheekbones.

There were certainly consequences -- I ended up graduating from a different school after being expelled.

I've never regretted it. Primarily because I can promise you his bullying days ended that spring day when he had his face caved in -- in front of all his Bubba friends -- by a 105 lb. girl.

Does the "Scott Farkis Affair" ring a bell? I can see DJ pulling a Ralphie on that Big Shit. Expletives and all. Oooooooohhhh.... I'm just soooo angry, I want to beat that kid up myself.

This is what I hate about kids today - or I guess I should say what I hate about parents.

For God's sake don't punish the little brat for picking on other kids! Of course not! That might hurt his wittle feelings. (Screw the kids whose lives have been made hell. Their feelings don't count.) Let the little bully sit and "think" (about how good it felt to do it) and, as a bonus, give him some time away from class (where he's probably barely passing).

I'm so sick of "time-outs" and all this touchy-feely shit. When I was in grade school we lived in fear of being sent to the principal because not only would he spank you, your parents would beat your ass when they had to come pick you up! Now its like parents encourage their little darlings in their horrible behavior! A teacher I know told the horror story of a classroom bully who's mother would pick him up at the principal's office (on a regular basis). The kid would whine and cry that he wanted to go home NOOOOOOW. She'd pat him on the head, tell him she'd get him a toy & they would stop at McDonald's as soon as they left then scream (literally) and curse at the principal and teacher about how they were "abusing" her little precious baby. (And, yes, she literally called him her "little precious baby" once.) She honestly believed her kid was an angel & the school was just "making up all these problems". This is why I should never have kids or be a teacher. I would have to slap her & her kid.

I say teach DJ to kick the shit out of the little bastard (and throwing in some really good insults while he's doing it would be nice, too). And from now on, I'd send your complaints to the school in writing & insist on answers in writing. Then you'll have documentation to threaten them with a lawsuit for their inability to insure your son if safe.

Been there, had that done to me, biggest kid in the class, so my complaints were ignored. Finally caught one of them, knocked him down, sat on him, and gave him a bloody nose. Neither he nor his buddy ever bothered me again; but that was almost fifty years ago. Neither of them remember that happening (others do) but they do remember that they didn't think it would be safe to tease me. In today's schools ... who knows, your son is probably going to be hauled off and convicted of felony assault and battery.

You should take DJ and his friend to self-defense class in any case; they have to learn the easy part of self-defense, how to end a fight. (They've already learned the hard part -- not to start them.)

There are probably other victims; form a committee, then as the committee (so that individual students won't be reprized against -- reprized, is that a word?) write letters, talk to schoolboard officials, people from the state who monitor compliance, request transfers to other schools.

In addition to the advice given, go through the school handbook with a fine toothed comb and see if you can use their written policy against them. I've got friends with more kids than sense (blended families) and Lori has gone after the school on more than one occasion with a variety of issues.

and them they get your kids.

bully grabbed my daughter's head and smashed it into a metal signpost.

nothing happened.--worse than nothing. the next day I decided to stand with her to make sure that there'd be no repeats--the kid shit himself when he saw me coming.

my daughter didn't get hit that day.

Next day the little shit had the prnicipal as a guard. She told me I had no right to scare the kid. I saud fine. Will you keep him from beating on my daughter.

She said that she had no jurisdiction off of school property. I told her to shut the fuck up.

The kid didn't quit--he got my daughter on the bus.

She managed to stop him--and his friends

She got suspended.

Why? Because while they were hitting her she said "Leave me alone or I'll kill you"

She said 'kill'.

Suddenly, beaten up, black-eyed and set upon by a pack of morons, SHE was in the wrong.

michele, stick with your children, have someone pick them up and teach them to fight--off school property. Big Bully will be forever treasured as were all his forebears, all you can do is avoid the situation and fight back when avoidance is impossible.

My daughter's suspension was the best two days we could make them--movies, treats and rewards. Never let them teach your children that their way is the right way.

I have to go with the "threaten lawsuit and publicity" camp -- with all the attention on anti-bully programs out there, why the hell is his school taking the opposite approach?

And the martial arts idea-- will help him expel some of that energy he's holding in, and it will give him confidence.

I wish someone had gone to the bat for me like you are for DJ. What a difference it would have made! Unfortunately, somewhat like you, it wasn't any one person. It felt like everyone...

Fuckin' A! Go get 'em, Michele! If you'd like, I bet a few hundred blogo-parents would come over to help you make your point!

me again.

I fume over this thing--any of it. Be it my own story--which I've put forth, my daughter's own travails--or hearing about others who are going or have gone through it.

The schools are often no help--but individual teachers can be. Look for sympathy and help there.

Anything DJ does in retaliation will be held against him as if he is the agggressor--but making sure DJ is prepared is better than the alternative.

Taking the beatings is far worse for you than anything.

My story is fighting back to an insane degree--a friend went the other route.

He didn't fight back. Ever. Today he cannot deal with strife whatsoever. He can't stand up for himself. He can't make decisions easily. He gets taken advantage of by any idiot with a big mouth and a forceful manner.

So let DJ know you'll support him should fighting happen--and make sure he's ready.

The last bit, going to the bullies parents, can work--many parents are hugely embarassed by the whole thing.

But it can backfire. The parents of bullies are often bullies themselves.

So good luck--and be careful

I kid you not - while I'm reading this entry, I'm listining to "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam. Total coincidence.

The problem with school yard bullies is that their victems are usually to young to understand the best way to psychologically destroy them Sure, you can fight back, but a fat lot of good that's going to do you if your smaller then the bully.

The best way to beat a bully is, as someone else already said, to go after them with a large group of friends, slap them around a bit, and tell them nobody is going to tolerate it. Being one against ten has a dramatic effect on the bully's willingness to give other kids shit.

Also, go buy DJ a copy of "Ender's Game". It'll teach him all he needs to know about schoolyard realpolitik.

I wish I had some easy solutions for you, Michelle...all I can do is wish you luck. Fortunately (for me, anyway) my kids are now out of high school and don't have to deal with this crap anymore.

My son had almost the opposite problem of yours. Despite the fact that he was as big (if not bigger) than any kid in his class (or the one ahead, for that matter), he got picked on a lot because he was a open-hearted, good-natured kid who just wanted to get along with everyone. While he only got in one or two actual scuffles, he mostly had to deal with verbal harassment from the knuckleheaded, WWF and NASCAR loving, snuff dipping good-ol-boy sons of good-ol-boy fathers who didn't give a shit one way or another how their kids acted as long as they didn't act like a sissy and cause them grief. Of course, Britt was into none of this and was pretty much a square peg in High School (kinda like his Dad, I guess, except girls liked him). We were always having to remind him to turn the other cheek whenever possible, but if it didn't help then he had our permission to smack the shit out of someone and we would deal with the consequences. As time went by, he kinda found some common ground with most of his classmates, played football (which, I think, went a long way towards helping him get along) and has managed to escape relatively unscathed, having graduated in 2000. Of course, his life took him in some unexpected directions that weren't directly related to his school situation, and not always in positive ones...but he's still a pretty good kid and is trying to find his niche in the world.

All I can say is hang in there. There have been many good suggestions posted here already, hopefully one of them will work for you. Sometimes things just work out on their own.

I worked in a school for a number of years and watched this sort of thing being condoned because most educators are, in a word, cowards when it comes to confronting behaviour or the parents of behaviour problems.

Do you have an elected school board? Raise shit with each and every member. Do you have a local newspaper? A sympathetic reporter?

When I was confronted with this years ago, I finally went to the local police detachment. The bullying magically stopped.

It's funny. Coming out of a high school job two years ago. The in school programs were all about stopping bullies, because the bullied come to school with guns and kill (a la Columbine).

Some bullies back off, some don't. The timebomb analogy.

How about an order of protection? Get the police involved?

The principal, the teacher(s) "supervising" the playground, and the teacher of each class has a custodial responsibility for each of the children in that class. I'd at least threaten to swear out a criminal assault (and/or battery) complaint against the principal and the responsible teachers for failure to excercise appropriate supervision over the bully if any of this behavior is going on at the school. Similarly, threaten the jerk's father with the same thing

Make sure you document every time that you speak to the child's parent or to any school (or school board) official about this issue. If you can show that you've raised this issue repeatedly and that they've not taken any action, it should be much easier to show that they've not been responsible.

go aunt lisa!

my best friend, who is now a scary muthafucka, was the little guy in school and always getting beat up. he let it get around that he was taking martial arts lessons. when the big bully called him on it, he was perfectly calm, and told him that he could break a cinderblock in half with his bare hands.

he got the now-intrigued bully to hold the cinderblock for him, and began the "huaaa-aaa-aa"-ing and winding up to hit the cinderblock, just like in the movies.

the bully's hands were now full and he was distracted, right? dumbass. allen punched him as hard as he could in the face, and ran for the hills. as i recall, dropping the cinderblock on his feet ended up breaking his feet and toes as well as his nose.

sometimes brains and playing dirty helps too. :)

Jane is right, Michele. A little discussion with the police would probably do wonders for the bully.

When he was in middle school, my younger brother and a friend were playing around with a girl they were both friends with. They ended up pulling on her backpack until she had to sit down to keep from falling.

Probably harmless. I don't think my brother was really picking on her - but in any case, the girl's father was unhappy enough about the situation to call the police, who showed up to have a chat with my father and my brother about what constitutes assault. And that he could have been charged for it if the girl's father had wanted to press charges. My brother realized pretty quickly how serious it was.

Just an idea.

And why is it, in this day with all the PC bullshit, that everyone is so worried about protecting bullies and not the ones they're hurting?

If it hasn't been mentioned before, I think it's time for the school officials to read this recent news story out of Canada.

If I ever have kids, I'm homeschooling them. No ifs, ands, or buts.

I've heard someone at RWN express this opinion in the comments: In the 1970s, in the aftermath of Vietnam, liberals took over the school system and left the military to conservatives. Now Johnny can't read, but we can kick some ass with almost no casualties.

Everyone should read Heather MacDonald's The Burden of Bad Ideas. It deals with various problems facing America, but one chapter that is really moving is called "Why Johnny's Teacher Can't Teach." After I read it, I cried, feeling sorry for the kids who go to public schools in the inner city. The people who run education departments at our colleges are such assholes.

Michele, instead of martial arts classes that teach ass-kicking, look into something like Aikido, which teaches how to subdue an attacker. It'll teach him how to turn a punch coming at his face into an armlock that'll have the bully on the ground and unable to move...
And good luck. I've been in DJ's place and only made it through because I was removed from school for "emotional problems", i.e. not wanting to go to school because of the bullies.

I don't think sending dj or a group of his friends to fight this bully is the best idea. if this kid is really strong and/or really disturbed they could get hurt. I think talking to the father is a good first step, but if that doesn't work I have an alternate suggestion. Why don't you talk to the bully directly? wait for him on his way to or from school and explain that you beat the living shit out of him if he touches or bothers your kid again. Feel free to get really graphic,SCARE HIM. If you get a call from the father or the principal deny everything or explain that you're still getting over the emotional trauma of the Yankees losing the world series.

Bill, baby, Aikido is ALL about hurting someone. I recommend Judo because it doesn't matter how much smaller you are than your opponent, it's all about using their own weight and momentum against them.

My Aikido classes scared me...my Judo classes liberated me.

I may be a peacenik, but I think the way the school is handling the situation is ridiculous. Incredibly one-sided. I hope you're able to get results with Big Bully Sr.

When I was kid, I was taught never hit anyone under any circumstances. Tell the teacher. I was very popular, but I was still bullied - there weren't many other blonde haired & blue eyes kids in the school, so I was an easy target. This girl named Rita kicked my ass every day after school for a week before my best friend Thomasina taught me how to throw a punch. My mom's vision of peace and rainbows and happy children was nice, but I had to kick Rita's ass to get her to leave me alone.

I say that Kat has got the picture. "See that? That's his nose. Hit him as hard as you can right there, as soon as he's within reach, and then stand back and watch what happens."

If DJ can land that shot, then the little bastard will fold right up.

Look: there are enormous lessons in reality wrought all through this. For one thing, there is the natural fact that things like "protection" are never going to be available at all times. Whether confrontations actually develop, there will always be the prospect, and if it does happen, then that will be a fact against which no false ideal of protection by anyone else will stand. Throughout his life, if your son is met with any sort of predation by anyone else, it will be his responsibility to fight it off.

Now, this might seem a harsh thing at his age, but you, yourself, know that, for instance, you're not going to go to school with him and hold his hand through every day and every minute of that experience. The fact is a fact: there is no protection.

And defense is an act that requires no justification. This is not a serious moral problem from which he will take ambiguity: he could knock that kid's block off the next time he steps up, and DJ would be right. That's enough, and if the school doesn't know that, then the sooner he's out of their clutches, the better.

If it comes to this, and DJ can muster the momentary fortitude it will take to blast this little shitbag squarely in the nose (and it'll work, I'm telling you), then he will come away with a lifelong confidence in himself, as well as in what's right.

Goddammit.

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

God, what bullshit about "is DJ egging him on"!

When I was a BABY, the next door neighbor ASSHOLE, who was probably about 7 years older than me, used to pick on me... when I'd be outside with my 70+ y.o. grandmother!!! He picked on me till I was 7 or so! Fortunately, his parents divorced and he moved with his dad. We even went to court because he had been bullying me and I went crying to my dad (we were all outside), and my dad ran after him. Then a few days later, 5 officers show up at our house and ARREST my dad for assault on a minor. Even though he didn't touch him (well, he threw a cigarette at him and it missed!). ANYWAY, my parents won in the trial... I guess it may have helped that my mom is a legal secretary, access to good lawyers, and that the scum (NICK MOUTOS is his name, and I really could give a FLYING FUCK who knows it) actually showed up to court in a ripped shirt and old jeans!! MAN did his mom, (JUDY MOUTOS, now JUDY COURTNEY) have a fucking fit when my dad was cleared of charges!!

UNFORTUNATELY, his dumb-ass sister... back then TINA MOUTOS (Tina was her nickname, her real (maiden) name is VIRNELLE FOTINI MOUTOS [no wonder she was a bully, huh??])... was in my grade, so the bullying continued through her. But it never got physical... and whenever she picked on me, I never looked her in the eye, just kept my head down. But then one day, she was picking on me in the courtyard of an apartment complex, with LOTS of kids around (EVERYONE silent, wondering what would happen). For some reason, I just looked up from the ground and just looked her straight in the eyes. I still remember her eyes to this day (this was 20 years ago). I don't really know what kind of message I was conveying, but after a second, she said to her friends, "Let's go, she's not worth it".

Of course, she still harrassed me, but after that day I had no problem yelling back at her. But she still made my life hell.

And that's us going to the same school and her also living right next door. Until her mom married the assistant principal of my junior high and they moved... right across the street.

Wow, I haven't relived that in a while! I do, though, wonder about bullies today... if they're not way more off-balance than 20, 30 years ago. I don't know what to say, other than good luck... and threatening the school/school board with a lawsuit really sounds like the best thing so far. And homeschooling, if it's feasible.

My kid was a peacemaker and popular with his peers. His "bully"'s dad died in 5th grade. For a long time I urged my "DJ" to tough it out, understand that "bully boy" was going through a hard time, etc. Finally one day I had had it and just turned him loose, telling him to do whatever he had to do. Funny, he never had to do a thing. Just being empowered with parental approval must have made a difference in his attitude.
My younger son, who dealt with conflict with humor, surprised us even more when he whalloped the crap out of his bully one day. Left us both gape-mouthed.
Personally, I don't think homeschooling is the solution. Eventually, all of us must deal with a bully or two. Better to learn how as soon as possible and learn how to deal with it head on instead of retreating.
Good luck!

65 Posts in record time... Can anyone doubt that this is a personal, and emotional, subject for many people?

With the amount of reaction we are seeing, might this not be some sort of indicator that the "survival of the evillest" enviornment in schools is redlining beyond anything sane or reasonable?

I thought maybe that my experience was unique, or fairly unusual. It seemed so at the time, for certain.

But a great many people seem to have experienced this, or had their kids experience it.

What was this crap teachers' unions have said about homeschooling not allowing kids to develop social skills?

If a parent kept their kids home and beat them up regularly, would this be viewed as valuable life experience? What keeps the NEA in jobs is what is good for the kids, apparently.

Tyrrany.

>I'm open to anything.

Every place I've lived in for the last ten years has had a sleazeball lawyer who advertises on cable. (My favorite was Jim "the Hammer!" Shapiro. His ads featured a really cheezy CGI gavel and the tagline "Yeah I'm a bastard, but I'll be your bastard!")

Your town must have one too. Call him. School boards and local governments have real deep pockets.

Hank sez: "Perhaps if Big Bully does anthing to DJ, swear out an assault complaint against Big Bully--send him to the "big boys" justice system. Maybe he'll get the hint."

Even if he doesn't, I bet principal asshole sure will when the cops show up at his school. And the more often that happens, the harder it is for him to explain to the school board.

Michele, I know you must be really frustrated.

I think self-defense is definitely a good option for DJ - especially judo.

I'd suspect that DJ radiates a certian 'physical uncertianty' about himself. The small and the weak speak their vulnerabilities in a hundred different ways - body language says more about how we feel about ourselves than we can verbalize (sometimes).

There's nothing wrong with being small or physically weak. It's high time we shed the conception that the only real men are the big brutes who can beat the crap out of other people. Who are the true men in power these days? Those with brains. Bill Gates can grind you into dust without raising a finger, and we all know he's not a bicep-ridden kind of man.

God knows I was one of the 'weaker' people in school, and I probably radiated my physical insecurities by my actions - and of course, for someone who is looking to overwhelm and overpower someone, you'll go for the people who give the impression they cannot take care of themselves.

This isn't anything we can fix, per se. If you're the smallest one in your class, you're going to feel insecure about your physical impression, your physical nature.

DJ's not a big guy. All the finesse, agility and skill a person of smaller stature may have can be eradicated with one brute force punch. DJ obviously understands rules, and guidelines, and would understand that a self-defense course wouldn't mean he could kick all of his tormentors asses, and he'd certainly understand that he doesn't have to be scared all the time.

Even though he's small, having that sense of being able to at the very least defend himself would save him a lot of grief in the future. Sekimori is right in suggesting judo - it's a non agressive way of self-defense that should give him a better sense of his physical nature - that even though he's small, he can take care of himself.

And I think that's really what matters, right? And it's been mentioned above that this might help him in other arenas - give him a constructive way to burn of excess energy, give him goals, give him back some of the self-esteem that being smaller has robbed him of, and teach him about restraint, as well.

(damn my psychology degree)

Seki, I guess it depends on the focus of the teacher. The point is, learning subdual techniques through Aikido or whichever martial art is about defending yourself and, more importantly, subduing an attacker so that the fight ends there.
Like Michele says, DJ is small and we don't want him getting hurt - but we do want him to be able to end a fight if someone else starts one.
And Michele- I'm with the people who say get the police involved. Make it real to the morons at school; they're pretending it's all an intellectual exercise and Someone Else's Problem - make it theirs, in the only language they understand: liability.

Michele, it's good to know that there are parents who'll fight the enablers in administration. This is one of the reasons I couldn't bring myself to go into teaching. I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with these situatios any better as a teacher than I had been able to as a student.

Do what you have to do, up to and including bringing criminal charges against this kid if he lays a hand on your son.

Diety knows I would.

You've gotten plenty of advice already, my heart goes out to you and your son. My son went through something similar over many years. Finally, on a class trip (to build teamwork) in 6th grade, the kid just went one step too far. This was a huge size-wise bully, and my son isn't that big. My son just decked him. The fight didn't last long before they were pulled apart, and they were both sent home. He may have mouthed off to him after that, but he never bullied him again, nor did any other kid (well, except those 8 kids downtown that mugged him and his friend -- just professional bullying, I guess).

I think this is a deep, personal issue for a lot of people, and too many kids get stranded emotionally on this.

I don't know what state you live in, but do the laws provide for a juvenile battery statute ? DJ gets hit again, have the cops haul Big Bully off to get fingerprinted. Provides documentation of the incident, and then you can drop a dime on Principal with child welfare about aiding and abetting child abuse (DJ) and contributing the the delinquency of a minor (Big Bully). With a record of the event (the police incident report, even if BB doesn't get a ride to juvie), you've documented the problem, established responsibility between the parties, and covered DJ's and your asses when DJ punches BB's light out the next time.

Michelle,

I wish I had a good experience to share, but my children's experiences mimicked that one ten fold. It doesn't get better, it gets worse. Then entire structure is built around holding no one accountable for their actions, except the parents who buck the system. Any attempts to solve the problem with the school will result in punative actions against YOUR child.

There is a time to fight and a time to surrender. Surrender in this case involves removing your child from the school.

To quote myself:
In my experience, you're never quite sure what incident caused you to start gathering straws, but once you start, you'll eventually reach a breaking point. With my daughter, the breaking point was a meeting with the school principal. The gang of girls that had been bothering Wendy in the girl's locker room was escalating again. I had sent a letter to the school about a week earlier in hopes of getting it resolved. The ring leader, Megan, had mocked and taunted my daughter so badly a few days before that I couldn't bring myself to force her to go to school the next day. I'd call these days, mental health days. Technically, she wasn't sick, but sick can have a much broader meaning in the overall health of a child. I let her stay home. After a few days though, it was time for her to go back. I let her sleep in that morning with the agreement that we'd go to the school together. We'd talk to them about the problem and demand that they remove Wendy from gym class.

Neither the principal, nor her teachers, had given us any clue that anything had been done since I'd sent in the last letter. They hadn't even acknowledged my letter. When we arrived, we were greeted first by one of Wendy's nice teachers. She sympathized with the problem and understood immediately that things had escalated to a point of no return. Even with that understanding, she didn't think that removal from gym class was an option. She took our case to the principal who agreed to have a meeting with Megan (the ring leader) and Wendy.

Without talking to us first, the principal asked us to wait, while she called Megan to her office. The meeting began with Wendy and me explaining the series of events in the locker room. Unbeknownst to us, the school had spoken to Megan, and the principal was under the impression that we were bringing in a new list of grievances. She had thought her previous talking session with Megan had been of no benefit. Upon discovering that we were simply following up on last week's events, the principal attacked Wendy for rehashing old-news. I jumped in to explain that we were unaware that such a meeting had taken place, but it was too late. Had I not been there to interrupt the Principal's tirade, I know that Wendy would not have stood a chance to defend herself. The principal had decided that Wendy was trying to get Megan in trouble for something that had happened last week (that had already been dealt with as far as she was concerned) and set on Wendy like a rabid dog. There we were, a child being told to trust that adults would protect her, being attacked by the very person that was supposed to help her.

In hindsight, it was clear what had happened. The principal was embarrassed. She hadn't talked to us before she called Megan to her office. That was her first mistake, she didn't find out why we were there. Her second mistake was calling Megan to her office without reviewing the file and discovering that no follow-up with us had taken place. So, she decided to make Wendy the scapegoat for her own mistakes. They had to blame someone for their mistake of dragging Megan out of class, and why not an 11 year old girl?

That was it. Wendy chose to go home with me rather than go to class that day. She was devastated and shocked. And, so was I. I could have bitten the head off a rattlesnake. At home, after hugs, sympathetic talks with Wendy and then a furious, private, retelling of the tale with my husband, I drafted the withdrawal letter.
You can continue to fight, just make sure your kid is no longer in the crossfire.

We had a case here in Georgia a few years ago where a bully was allowed to go on picking on people. One day he decided to jump a kid as they got off the school bus. The kid he hit was someone he had been picking on for a long time - and the school system had ignored the parents pleas.

Well, the boy that got hit died 3 days later from a brain hemmorage. He'd been hit in the back of the head (oh what fun to hit someone from behind) and it caused him to die.

The bully was charged with murder. He fought the charges for a long time - but finally was sentenced to prison (I can't remember how long).

Why am I telling you this? So you won't let the school BS you into submission. Remember, this is your son. He depends on you. Don't let him down.

What you need is a course of action. Decide what you want done about the bully. Then tell the school district what you want done. Then contact a reporter for both the televeision news as well as the newspaper. Tell them you have a Special Interest story.

Tell them your story. How you are blown off and ignored. How you fear your son will be harmed more than he has already been. And not only your son, but the other children that are targets of this bully.

I'm sure at that point you'll have attorneys contacting you. I'm not one for suing, but I sure believe in threatening to sue. Follow through if you must.

Be sure your son understands he is not the one with the problem. It is the bully that has the problem..

Do not rest until you have this situation corrected. Keep us updated.

Let me add one thing to this pile of bullshit: the self-esteem part is the key to all of it. A study was done in the past (sorry, can't remember who/exactly when) that found that the people with the HIGHEST self-esteem could be find among death row inmates.

This kid (the bully, not DJ) NEEDS his self-esteem hurt. Big-time. Excusing this behavior from the perspective of his dead mother is called ENABLING. And it is always bad.

So many comments! You mentioned Big Bully Sr. owns and operates a local pizzeria. Perhaps a little economic pressure would persuade him to alter his sons' behaviour. I'm sure there are many families with kids he's bullying. If you can band them together in a boycott of said pizzeria it may get the message across.

Of course, a few anonymous phone calls to the Health Dept. can work wonders, too.

Jpatterson: Exactly right. Criminals (and bullies) have HIGH self-esteem. Many believe that society "owes" them something, and that is their jutification for criminal behavior.

To the extent that schools can alter children's futures, we are following the exact prescription for raising a generation of criminals.

This all brings back such painful, frustrating memories of when my kids were in school. I had the same situation with my middle son. The bully was the DA's son, who thought he could proceed with impunity....and for years, he did. The school system was afraid of the power his father wielded. They treated this bully with kid gloves, stating the same damn reasons your principal stated to you. Finally, the parents of the bullied children had enough. We hired a lawyer to talk to the school district. Strangely enough, it wasn't long before the bully transferred into a private school for kids with emotional problems. However, the emotional distress he had inflicted on so many kids remains to this day. You never get over that, not really.

Keep fighting, Michele, not just for DJ but for all the kids this bully affects. Hang in there, we're with you.....

Michele,

Just knowing that his mom is behind him 110% is probably helping DJ. Kudos to you for all you have done already.

I am throwing in my $.02 with the camp for police involvement. I work in the school system and I know how hard they work on PR. I fully agree with the poster who said that having the police show up every time DJ had a problem is going to make an impact on that weenie principal.

I also agree with the poster who recommended documenting EVERY SINGLE incident and conversation you have regarding this whole issue. The more proof you have that you have tried to deal with things the "right" way, the easier it will be to defend DJ when he ends up taking this kid on.

I absolutely abhor violence and I hate to think that a good kid like DJ may be driven to it. I have the highest respect for all the steps that you have taken to protect your son so far and wish you the best of luck.

Stupid, fucking liberassholes!

I swear, as soon as I take over the world, all of those "principals" and "social workers" will be dragged off to spend the rest of their lives sharing cells with psychotic lifers twice as big as themselves.

They can then proceed to "work out their differences through mediation" to their liberal bleeding hearts' content!

They and all that they stand for disgust me in ways that I cannot even find words for!

One suggestion regarding Mr. Big Bully: Sic the FDA on him and his pizza parlor. Whether or not they find anything once they get a few reports about filth and unsanitary facilities, he's going to be in living Hell while the bureaucrapcy tears him up.

"Oh but he's INNOCENT?"

Fuck innocent. He's guilty of not doing a damn thing about teaching his brat good manners and he deserves anything he gets.

School administrators, counselors and teachers practice the same type of treatment methodology that your doctor does: Start with the smallest remedy possible, and advance to stronger remedies as needed.

Unfortunately, in a school bureacracy, no one, ever, takes a stand to increase the level of corrective action. Even WITH parental support of those actions. And the kids who want to manipulate the system are given all the tools they need to do so.

Please, please involve other parents in the classroom. Involve the PTA. Get that kid out of the school. I'm sure that there are special needs programs in your area that are mandated to deal with kids like this.

They're not going to make decisions based on the safety of your kid or any other kid in the class. But they may make decisions to cover themselves from getting fired.

I had a post, I think both Misha and the du Toits have seen it: Culture of Cluelessness it explains everything from my point of view.

As for High-Selfesteem causing bullies? WELL DUH! People with low self-esteem avoids confrontation and violence BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY WILL LOSE! I would think this was self-evident.

Anyway in my post, see above, I have written what I really got to say about this stuff. If you want to understand school shootings, understand the Culture of Cluelessness.

First, get someone with older kids to find BB and put the fear of God in him, (this worked for my sister who was being bullied and her bully was visited by two of my buddies), his gramma walked him to and from the bus stop which was where he was doing his bullying to my sis.
If this is not feasible or doesn't work, then go to his dad's place of business, talk to him politely about the situation. If this doesn't work, wait till his busiest time, and confront him, ending with the statement that you are going to call human services, (or protective services, whatever it is in your state that investigates child abuse), and turn his step MOTHER in for abuse because obviously he is learning this behavior from someone and didn't do this till his real mom died. Make it convincing, and , in front of as many patrons as possible, and tell him that not only will you do that, but you will also sue him for emotional distress to your child, and tell him that at 100 an hour for a shrink, your child is going to need about 5 years on the couch.
If this doesn't work, do the above, (calling human services) as well as suing the school district, naming the principal specifically, the school board specifically, and the teacher. They will put enough pressure on each other to the point that something will be done to the BB.
Also, while you are at it, sue the father and stepmom for not controlling the actions of their child.
Find an attorney that will take all these on contingency, and like someone else said, the school has deep pockets, and will settle out of court.
In the meantime, hire a photographer to take pictures of the kids on the playground or at the bus stop or wherever the abuse occurs. He will not have to go on school grounds if he has a decent lens, and if asked, have him tell them he is gathering evidence for your lawsuit. Whether he gets anything in the way of pictures is a moot point, the idea is to let them know it is under investigation.
Finally, go to the media, and let them know what the story is, but I advise you, that if it is legal in your state, tape record the conversations, and let the school know they are being taped. Make copies of the tapes, and use your recorder whenever you talk to anyone involved, let them know you too are gathering evidence for your lawsuit.
Keep us advised........good luck, and take the offensive. Keep the kids out of it if possible, if not, take care of your own.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, Michelle, but I don't. I'm sorry that I don't, but I did want to add my words of support for you and your family, especially your son. Remind him that he is strong, that he is loved. Perhaps you can even show him the number of people that have shown support for him on this post -- that understand what he's going through, and what him to survive this safely and intact, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I know that it's hard when you're trying to advocate for your child in the face of such nonsense -- when the answer from the authorities should so obviously be "You are absolutely right. Your child should not have to endure this any longer, and as soon as I hang up this phone, I am going to take all the necessary steps to remedy the situation."

And I don't know if the right thing is to tell DJ the best way to knock the jerk out, or teach him some martial arts or what the answer is, other than to tell you that I have seen you in this space, fight. While I am not here often, I have seen you fight for what you believe in, fight for what you know to be true, fight for what is important to you. So I just really wanted you to know that someone in New Jersey is standing in solidarity with you, praying for you, thinking of you and your son, giving you both strength to fight this particular fight, and if I think of something that I think is useful, I'll let you know. Be brave.

Michele,

Almost 100 posts and no one has come up with the solution tht will solve the problem.

Use the system. Protect your son. End of story.

To quote Emperor Misha I

"Oh but he's INNOCENT? Fuck innocent."

Review the school systems rules. Focus on the zero tolerance issues. Pick out 2 or 3. The next time something happens, call and claim DJ overheard or saw or told you XYZ, which just happens to require suspension or expulsion.

Overheard talk of a gun? Drugs? Saw some white stuff in his locker?

To quote Emperor Misha I again.

"Oh but he's INNOCENT? Fuck innocent."

This is your son. Do whatever it takes. Screw the principal and the rest of the touchyfeeley bastards. use their crap against them

I'm a high school teacher (in Australia), and I can't say that dealing with bullies is any easier in our position, either. It is easier, from an administrative standpoint, to deal with physical violence - we can suspend the students, we can ban them from specific activities around the school, or we can make them go through anger management classes. Of course, none of these are guaranteed to help the bully stop their behaviour, but it's easier to deal with incidents of violence with these methods - a band-aid approach, if you like. Verbal harassment is a lot harder to deal with, as it's not as noticable, it's more subtle, and in most cases (as in my own, when I was at school) it hurts more than physical bullying ever does. It's also a lot harder to punish.

As a teacher, we can identify the bullies, we can talk to them, we can keep an eye on them in the playground, we can talk to the kids they're bullying, and we can recommend things to our administration. But there's not much more we can do; if we start targeting the bully, it's likely that an irate parent will contact the school regarding my unfair treatment of their child. Our hands are really tied, apart from using stop-gap measures. We can stop individual incidents, but we are pretty much powerless to stop continual bullying.

One technique I've consistently used with a 13-year old boy who bullied was to give him praise for the GOOD things he did. He thrived on positive comments, and when he began to do well, he shined, becoming not only one of my most eager students, but he even stopped bullying. Taking his focus off bullying kids worked wonders. Unfortunately he was an unpredictable kid who would switch between being a normal kid and sudden total psychotic behaviour. Any bullying in my class is recorded, and signed by the students involved. Of course, what works with one bully won't necessarily work with another.

For what it's worth, it sounds like the administration at DJ's school are arseholes, anyway. What kind of school principal isn't supportive of parents and their wishes? He sounds like a pretty incompetent fuckwit. If you can, ask some of the other parents whether their kids are noticing any bullying, because of the unsupportive nature of the school admin, it's likely that bullying may be rife within the school.

I'll also agree with everyone else who's said that bullies usually come from unsupportive families. Most don't seem to care about how their kids behave at school.

I've only just started reading your blog, and I say use any means necessary to get this idiot to stop bullying DJ, who sounds like a fantastic kid. As I've only started reading about your family, I don't want to see the life sucked out of such a great guy. He's got a great mum. Good luck, Michele, no matter which path you choose.

i totally agree with you up until the point of 'the roundhouse punch part' as IMHO (been in the position myself) it might only create more problems than anything.
violence will solve nothing just like their unwillingness to act obviously solves nothing.

it is however completely sad and discouraging that the school board, the teacher and the principal is unwilling to work with or even listen to you and is so quick to sympthasize with a bully ... and their sympathy only rewards the bad behaviour ... what they obviously need to do is read up on the psychology texts that they obviously missed reading in college.

I'm reminded of A Christmas Story, where Ralphie snaps and whales on Scott Farkus. It's the fanasy of every kid who has ever been bullied.

I think that DJ should know how to defend himself, but also, as irabk suggested, take it to the streets. Talk to the other parents of the kids that get bullied. And take it to the school board.

If you get a bloc of pissed off parents of bullied kids demanding action instead of touchy feely "blame the victim" sentiments, you may not get results immediately, but you may help end this crap for DJ.

I have a much better suggestion than all of the above.

Take the boy out of school.

Homeschool him. If your child's teachers and principal aren't even administering something as basic as discipline correctly, I guaruntee you your child is not being educated. He is merely being walked thru 12 years of incarceration in a human zoo.

And no matter who you are, I would wager a month's pay that you are capable of doing far better a job of teaching your son than the mush-skulled fools running the public school your son attends.

The bad thing about all of this is that, like Dani said, the hands of the principals (somewhat) and the teachers (especially) are really tied. A great deal of the reason for this can be laid at the doorstep of certain "advocacy" groups, chief among them the ACLU. These groups have, step by step, removed practically every useful recourse a teacher can take involving any misbehavior by a child, bullying among them. It's truly pathetic.

Personally, I am with Rachel Lucas. I will eat ramen noodles for 12 years if that is what it takes to keep my kids out of the public education system.

Sounds like the Principal and the school board have done what the lawyers call "establishing a pattern" of condoning bullying behavior and violence against their students by bullies. Does the school in question have a policy on violence? Is it 'zero-tolerance'? Perhaps a lawyer can be found to remind them of exactly how deep their liability is, if your son should-say-begin to have problems over this...hint hint nudge nudge...

Typical liberal "feel good" education BS. Protect the offender, punish the victim.

It's horrible, and yet it's so representative of the larger philosophy certain people hold. Find out what the victim did to deserve their status as a victim.

Growing up, I had a bully problem also. The only thing that got rid of him was me learning how to fight, meeting him after school and just beating the shit out of him. I took my lumps, but after that I never had a problem with him again. When he did come near me, he knew I would knock him on his ass.

I feel for your son. I went through it, too.

Taking our kids out of the school system and homeschooling them is just another form of band-aid. The sheep-like qualities of the general public never cease to amaze me, always choosing the path of least resistance. What if we simply can't afford to quit our jobs and homeschool? Likewise, we can't afford private school. The public school system is all we have...therefore we must take back ownership and repair the damage done by legions of clueless, self-serving child psychologists.

All it takes is eternal vigilance, something as parents we should be exhibiting anyway. Go to PTA meetings, question policies that are just stupid, talk to the principal and your children's teachers. Let them know you are involved, watching every frickin' move they make. Bring back accountability, and yes, liability. Make them understand it works both ways.

Of course, this is assuming you're actually parenting your child instead of just spectating...

I have to agree with David: threaten to sue the school, or more importantly, threaten to sue the principal, the administration and the school board for failing to provide a safe environment. The father will not give you any response and neither will the school until they are scared to deal with you.
A little self-defense class might help, but I'm sure you know you son better than I do, and can evaluate the benefits/negatives.

I'll add my bully story to the mix. I was bullied in elementary school. It was two kids that would gang up and push around and pick on the other kids. I tried being nice. Tried staying out of their way. Tried going to the teacher and the principal. Nothing was ever done. I talked with my parents about it a bit. Dad taught me how to throw a punch, but I just didn't want to do that. I'm not a violent person. But finally I had enough, and although I was scared as hell about it, I realized fighting back was the only option. But first, I went to the teacher to let her know that's where things stood. I told her that I didn't want to fight, but if they picked on me or this mentally challenged kid I had befriended one more time, I was going to beat the crap out of them (although I doubted I actually could). I have no idea what happened after that, but they never bothered me again and no fight was necessary. I don't know if this finally woke the teacher up to the situation and she did something about it before I could, or if it was coincidence.

Just another note of support. I've been reading all this and feeling sick to my stomach with anger over this.
Definately get DJ some martial arts training; if it's good, it will teach him how, and even more importantly when to fight. (And it might run off some of that excess energy!)

Also call a lawyer, now. I was working on getting my teaching cert for a while (I'm a librarian, and was considering becoming a school librarian). Most of the courses were total BS, and the only really good one, was given by a school superintendant who didn't put up with this sort of crap, and had actually fought the state social services over the placement of a dangerous child in his school without warning him or the child's foster family. Obviously he isn't your superintendant.

I substitute taught in a kindergarten once with a student who apparently had a history of just hauling off and hitting other children with no provocation whatsoever. The next time I was at that school, the principle hauled me over the coals for not following the child's strict behaviour modification plan, which, contrary to what she stated, had not been left for me. (I always came early to read all the lesson plans and other info left for me by the regular teacher.)

I should have pointed out to her that if it were my child in that classroom, the first time she got hit, I'd have been in talking with the principle, the second time, my lawyer was going to be handing the school board a lawsuit for failure to provide my child a safe learning environment.

These lawsuits work.

Also, start calling the police and swearing out complaints, every single time DJ is assaulted, and remember that the legal definition af assault doesn't involve any physical touching, just the threat. If he is actually touched, however lightly, it becomes assault and battery.

Call the newspaper and the local TV stations to. Schools, as with any beaurocracy, do not care much for such publicity, and will often suddenly be able to fix "unfixable" or "non-existant" problems to try and avoid said media coverage. (The fact that it would be cheaper and better for all the children to fix the problem when it first crops up never seems to enter anyone's heads....)

Keep us posted and we're all keeping you and DJ in our prayers.

Michelle, what State are you in? The blogosphere's full of lawyers, and I'm sure that there are plenty of us who'd be willing to help you out pro bono.

-Christopher Kanis, esq. (IL)

Sekimori (and others who feel the same way) I have to disagree. Homeschooling is not a band-aid. By sending your child to school for 6-8hrs a day, you are choosing to let SOME ONE ELSE TEACH THEM THEIR VALUES AND BELIEF SYSTEM. You cannot undo that with the three or four hours you spend with them after they get home. If you want your children raised up in a way that you see fit, you need to do it yourself! Or, find another person who shares your beliefs and values to help you. You don't always have to homeschool your child yourself. People don't understand that. There are usually groups/organizations of homeschool children in each city. You may be able to have to child homeschooled by someone else in your neighborhood.

Also, I agree with what several others have said regarding beating the bully up. It doesn't really accomplish much, but enrolling your son in a karate class or something may help his self esteem, which may be enough in and of itself to stop the bullying.

Anyway, good luck. Be sure to contact other school board members if the President doesn't respond.

Harsh story, but here goes:

My youngest nephew was being bullied by an older girl. School would do nothing because, well, she was a girl he was a boy, girls are all dainty and boys are natural instigators. It had to somehow be my nephew's fault, case closed.

Since the school had no budget for art and music, I volunteered to teach art classes twice a week. I was well-liked by the students. In one class, I casually asked if anyone in the class had ever had trouble with bullies. Of course, many had. I asked what they did about it... um, most just ran away.

I then made some offhand remark about power in numbers, walking home in a groups for mutual self-protection, yadda yadda.

That afternoon after school, about a dozen girls ganged up on bullygirl and beat the snot out of her. She never bothered anyone again and later became quite social.

Society has rules and boundries, and bad things happen to those who don't observe them.

These administrators don't understand the logical consequences of their inaction. By abdicating their responsibility to Big Bully and DJ, they are opening the door for the police and the lawyers to take over. Once an issue like this ends up in the courts, it spells doom for any sort of rational response to the situation. This is how we end up with five and six year old boys being criminally prosecuted for sexual assault. This is how we end up with zero tolerance policies where young kids are expelled for the smallest infractions.

If they would simply discipline Big Bully for his bad deeds they would send a message to him that this behavior is not tolerable in a civil society. They would send a message to DJ that the adults responsible for his well-being do care (you're the only one left with that job, apparently).

Used to be that social infractions could be handled through the family and informal societal discipline. Now they are handled through prosecution and litigation. It is not a healthy trend.

I know you have, but make sure DJ knows that this is NOT his problem. His teacher and principal are treating it that way. He's being a good boy and exercising a remarkable amount of self-control. He may lash out at some point when pressed too much. However, that point will only be reached because the adults he is entrusted to during the day have decided to rely on his capacity for self-control and compassion to deal with this situation rather than their own reason and discretion. THEY are the adults, yet they are relying on your boy to be the mature one. It's sickening.

Good luck.

I like the idea of an informational picket of the pizzeria. This guy has lost customers one by one, suppose he had to confront the loss of a weekend's receipts all at once?

A few years back, my seven year old daughter was taking a good sized stick (3" dia, 7" long) to school to show her class the markings made on it by a beaver. A bus stop bully took it from her and threw it away before she even got to school. When I asked her that evening how it went, she told me what happened, and I took her to the bus stop and we searched, successfully, for the stick. I told her to bring it in to school the next day, and if the bully tried to take it from her again, she could hit him with it. When he did try to take it from her, she hit him with it, exactly as I told her. I got a call from the principle at the school, and when I arrived at his office, the parents of the bully were already there, and I was told that my daughter and the bully would be brought out of class so that my daughter could apologize to the bully in front of all of us. I told the principle that if he did try that, I would tell my daughter to only apologize AFTER the bully apologized for taking the stick on the first day, and for trying to take the stick on the second day. And only AFTER the parents, sitting beside me, apologized to ME for making me miss a day of work when my daughter defended herself against their bullying child. Since they refused to apologize in any way, I told the principle that the meeting was over. And that if he went ahead with his stupid plan and made my daughter apoligize, I would sue him. I never heard anything more about it, but my daughter wasn't bothered by the bully again either.

I hate hearing about stories like these, because I have a son and a daughter who are both three years old (twins), and I pray that they never have to endure bullying that is so bad that they have to resort to what I had to do when I was in 10th grade. Growing up, I never had to put up with bullies. Who knows why, maybe because I was generally well liked by most groups of my peers. But when I got into high school (my high school was 10th thru 12th grades) I was totally unprepared for what was going to happen to me for the next 6 months. I remember meeting the guy like it was yesterday. I was watching a girls volleyball match in the gym after cross-country practice, waiting for my mom to pick me up. He was sitting on the bleachers and called me over and introduced himself. I was polite and introduced myself as well. I was eager to meet new people, so I thought it was pretty cool that this guy (an upperclassman) was taking the time to get to know me. Little did I know at the time that talking to him would set in motion a sequence of events that would culminate into a day that I have tried to forget for 10 years. Anyway, I won't mention his name, because it's not worth the space the letters would take up on the screen. He was about 6'5'" and at least 220 pounds. Me at the time, about 5'11", 150 pounds. I think it's also worth mentioning that he was a black guy, not because I'm racist or anything like that, but it helps put the story into context. After that day, he would briefly talk to me during passing time here and there, no big deal. Then about three weeks or so after meeting him in the gym, he called me at home one night, which I thought was a bit odd, but no big deal. After talking to him for about ten minutes, he proceeds to ask me "How big my dick is." Me: "What? Are you some sort of fag?" I proceeded to end the conversation. This was just the beginning. From that point on, I tried to avoid him at whatever cost, but he always knew where to find me. His "innocent" questions soon developed into sexual propositions (asking me to come over after school to masturbate with him), and when I would rebuff him, it soon developed into threats of physical violence if I didn't comply. I would just avoid him as long as I possibly could, and then one day during lunch, he came up to me and asked me what my decision was, and I told him "My decision is if you don't leave me the fuck alone, I'm going to stand up and beat you with this chair until your nothing but a pile of bloody goo." So he stopped, for a little bit at least. He then began asking me if I wanted to "join his gang" and sell drugs with him. After telling him repeatedly that I was not interested in that or anything that he has to offer, he started with the threats again. "If you don't join, I'm gonna kick your little white ass." It then progressed into, "If you say no, I'm gonna have my boys from the city come out here and kill you." This is where I felt the need to do something drastic. I had no idea if he would make good on his threats, and frankly I didn't want to wait around and find out. Understand that this was about 6 months after that phone call, that I had been putting up with this at least thrice weekly for about 25 weeks. So I pursued some avenues in the school and got a hold of a handgun (9mm). Here's me, a suburban white kid, 3.7 GPA, all-State athlete in two sports, toting a weapon to school because I'm afraid that some gangbangers are going to try to find me and kill me. How royally fucked up is that? So after school in the locker room (one of his favorite places to corner me) he asked me again, and I lifted up my shirt to show him what I had in my waist and said, "If you ever talk to me again, I will fucking kill you. And if any of your 'boys' come looking for me, I will fucking kill them too." He ran like the wind. I then told my parents what had been going on. We brought it to the school's attention. Bully's mom cried racism. Turns out Bully had been doing this to about 8-10 other guys, all white boys considerably smaller than he. Six of us ended up taking him to court, where he was found guilty of assault, sexual assault and terroristic threats, and he was sent to some home in Pennsylvania until he was 20. I am not proud of what I did, but at the same time I do not regret it. Had I got caught, I would probably regret it. If he had made good on his threats, you better believe I would have killed him. I know this is pretty extreme, but I just wanted to give some people an idea of just how far bullying can go.

Michele, do what you need to do to protect your son. In a situation like this, it's better to be wrong (even though your not), than to do nothing at all.

I agree with the approach of legal action. The problem is not the bully any more. It is the school administration. They are facilitating his violence and intimidation. Without their aactive assistance, big bully would not be acting this way. So the school MUST be your target now.

One way to scare the school by letting them know your legal avenue intent, without necessarily having to spend money for lawyers on your part, is to arrange, in writing, for a metting with the principal. Before going, have your approach planned out - on how it is the responsibility of the school to remove such bullies, not their victims (because then new victims will be found). Then, when you go in, take a tape recorder and say that your lawyer advised you to record the conversation for the sake of any future legal action.

Either he will allow this, and you will have documentation of their negligence - OR - he will not, for fear of that legal action.
Upon such a refusal, have him sign a paper (in legalese) you have brought with you which indicates he refuses to have a conversation about your son and bullies 'on the record'. Then terminate the meeting, indicating that you will not participate in any actions with the principal which he will not publically admit to.

Tell him that your lawyer will be in touch with the school district is something is not done about the big bully immediately.

Without having spent a dime, you will have put a real fear into them by demonstrating your willingness not only to threaten lawyers, but to actually take some form of action which seems precipitated by speaking with a lawyer (and if you have any friends who are lawyers, they could provide you with even better specifics before going into the principal's office). This fear may prompt them to actually DO something constructive, as opposed to shirking their responsibility to protect their students from such bullies.

--

As to the idea of calling the police each time your son is accosted, while the idea appeals to me, my only worry is that this would actually feed the big bully's ego. Consider what keeps him going in all this: he gets away with his bad behavior. In other words, he acts up and the consequences are mild or non-existant. He is back in class the next day and is free to do the same things again. This would not change with the police. He would be back again - and being back, would simply be emboldened to act out even further.

In other words, he acts bad, then 'beats' the consequences - he beats authority. By bringing in non-effectual police activity, this only makes his 'triumph' against authority even greater.

This is the problem with all tyrants - be they small or large. They thrive on being able to act subjectively and 'get away with it'. They are second handers who derive their esteem from others, not themselves. Thus the fact they are able to act with impunity against others only feeds them.

I am afraid that would likely be the case with the big bully as well. (and is also the reason that going to big bully sr would probably be ineffective. Since you indicate Sr is not likely to do anythhing, except perhaps snicker at your and say 'good one' to jr, this would only reinforce jrs already twisted psychology.

Your job is not to teach jr how to behave. Your job is to protect your son from such behavior. I see attacking the school as the only potentially successful avenue for that.

I hate hearing about stories like these, because I have a son and a daughter who are both three years old (twins), and I pray that they never have to endure bullying that is so bad that they have to resort to what I had to do when I was in 10th grade.

Just to warn you: do not teach your son to fight back. I had a similar situation when I was younger. I am female; at the time I was 5', 100 pounds. I was bullied by a 6', 250 pound boy in school. One day, he and some friends cornered me by my locker, threatened me, and punched me once. In order to get out of the situation, I pushed him away me. He then punched me twice, in the face and the back of the head. The police were called and my physical contact was deemed an act of aggression; my behavior caused the attack to continue.

Although this bully had behavior problems in previous school years like bullying students, he was "clean" up to the point were I was attacked in the middle of the fall semester. The school principal suspended him for three days and told me I would receive "in-school" suspension.

My parents and I fought the punishment to the school board and lost. I even had the prinicipal and vice principals say they did not want to punish me but "that's the way things go." Unfortunately, none of these conversations were recorded. I refused the "in-school" suspension and was suspended from school for a day.

Luckily, this happened in junior high and not high school so it was not on my transcript. I encourage you to tape record every conversation you have with any school official or parents. You may not be able to use it court but you can use it for publicity. Make it clear that the issue must be resolved. If changing classrooms is proposed, make sure the bully is moved, not your son. He shouldn't be punished for the bully's behavior.

Also, if you can, enroll your son in martial arts. It will teach him control, confidence and self-discipline. Plus, it will release the pent up energy you mentioned.

No, Erin, "do not teach your son to fight back" is not acceptable. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience but what do you think would have happened had you continued to cower in the corner? Would that have spared you from the bully's attention? Of course not.

There are just as many stories here of those who did not fight back, who are now milksop adults, incapable of making a decision, much less standing up for themselves in a similar situation. How is that better than taking a punch or two and getting suspended for a few days from school? I know times have changed and a punch is just as likely to be a knife, and two day suspension is just as likely to be a week...but we cannot be sheep. There is no dignity, no honor, no LIFE, in surrender.

The stories from bully victims seems to be split between run away scared and scarred, or fighting back.

I was the victim of a bully in grade 4. I think I qualified because I was the "new" kid. Avoiding him didn't work as he always seemed to find me. Then one day he punched me in the face. Not very hard, more to impress his gang and to test me more then anything. To my astonishment, I punched him back. Or at least I tried to. My eyes were closed when I managed to punch him in the throat. He fell down coughing and spluttering, and then barfed his lunch. His reputation as a credible threat disappeared instantly. So did his bully behavior.

The point of the story is Why is your child a victim of this particular bully? Is he giving off those "I'm a victim" signals every natural predator can detect? Solution: self confidence and self esteem. Since bullies don't respect the self-esteem from non-physical endevours such as chess, teach your son a martial art. Physical confidence will go a long way to ending this particular problem, and deter the next bully looking for a victim years from now. And if it doesn't deter them, he can at least protect himself.

On the other hand, maybe the bully picked on your son for no particular reason at all. My next bully was in high school, when after a long period of low level harassment, it turned physical during gym class. The teacher saw all of this going on, but never did anything. During lacrosse lessons, one of my bullies had repeatedly fired the ball at my head when I was looking the other way, and had hacked me on the legs several times during drills. The teacher still did nothing. Then despite not having the ball, he delibrately tripped me from behind. I swung my stick "to keep my balance" and it "somehow" caught him full in the mouth. All his bully buddies were pretty quiet watching him lying on the ground spitting out teeth. While he was taken off for dentistry work, the teacher started to give me the gears. My buddy pointed out since I had never even turned around it was obviously an accident. The bully buddies didn't buy that explanation as they gave me a very wide berth for the rest of high school.

As many of the stories seem to indicate, demonstrating or just threatening to fight back often works. Whatever the payoff the bully gets out of it, make it easier to get from someone else. Deterence works. Fighting back is the last resort, not due to any "violence never works" philosophy, but because as a parent you do not want to risk even minor physical harm to your child. This is the last resort for when your kid is alone with the bully and words and policies and paperwork isn't there to protect him, and he's already under physical threat. Nothing is wrong with self defence. And as writers note above, the bruises on the spirit of not fighting back last far longer then the bruises from the fight itself.

Since fighting back risks escalation, it must be the last resort. You must have all other measures already in place to back him up.

As contributer Bill says, the school is pretending it's all an intellectual exercise and Someone Else's Problem - make it theirs, in the only language they understand: liability. Use the school board's bureacracy against them. Get informed what the school board policy is, and use it against them. Make the bureaucrats fear their own bureaucracy!

Resolving this matter with the parents is the job of the school board and police. If the school hasn't contacted the parents after you complained (in writing), then you have the school board in a bad position re lawsuit. If they have contacted the parents, and nothing happened, then what will your confronting them do? And confronting them at their place of business, that could be interpreted as trespass and harassment. Use the school or police to discuss things with the parents in a neutral official setting- ie. only meet them at school with school officials present. That makes it their problem officially, and not just some hysterical mom screaming in a pizza parlor. Going public? Hell, half the reason bullies win out is the bizarre schoolyard reluctance to "rat" on someone. Is your kid ready to still be bullied, and also labeled a "squealer" by classmates, and even other parents? Let the parents of the other kids back you up, but don't count on it.

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT. Send registered letters! Buy a tape recorder you can use with phone calls to school officials. (It is not illegal to tape your own conversations without the other party knowing. Confirm local laws with your lawyer).

With these measures: (1) Your son is reducing the chances of another bully incident for the rest of his life. (2) He is physically and mentally prepared should it ever happen again. (3) The school board will be forced to prevent further problems simply out of self preservation. (4) You can go after all involved through the courts and the school board's own policies for letting it continue because you have documented everything. (5) A mere bruise on your son from a fight becomes proof of a documented physical threat, evidence the police can use to take criminal action against the bully. (6) If your son does fight back, you have already documented proof it was in self defence, so no suspension/charges or else back to (4).

Combine all these measures should end it now and for the next time as well. Home schooling-just an excuse to run away from a problem. The school will be a better place once the school is stopping every bully. Get rid of the bully, then decide if home schooling is the best for your child.
If the problem still isn't resolved, then get out fast.

I cannot say whether it's a good idea in the long run to prepare your son to fight back. I can say that I got picked on a lot, and until my tormentors moved away, the only way I could ever buy myself any peace was to fight back -- viciously.

As a parent, I say bullshit to any notions of worrying about the bully's self-esteem. Call the cops. Have the kid arrested. And engage the scariest trial lawyer you can find to make it very clear to the school board and administration that if they cannot or will not find a way to protect the kids who are there to learn, you will by God and sonny Jesus find a way to make them.

There is some sh*t in life that no one should have to eat, and this definitely qualifies.

Sorry, Sekimori. A 5' 100 pound female cannot fight back against a 250 pound behemoth, unless it involves a gun. In a physical contest, I would have been toast. For my push, I got a bloody nose, sore head, and a suspension. If I had tried anything more aggresive, I have no doubt he and his friends would have done serious damage and I still would have been punished.

I agree with you 100% percent there's no honor in surrender. That's why you find better ways to fight. If a man tried to do something like that to me today, I would have no problem using whatever weapons are available to even the contest.

In today's public school environment, the better way to fight is through lawsuits and threats. By making a nuisance of herself, Michelle can ensure that something will be done about this bully. If her son attempts anything, he will be punished. I do want to modify what I said: if her son does defend himself, atleast Michele will have a record of the bullying and repeated attempts to stop the harrassment.

I hope the parent-to-parent thing works. If it doesn't, go ahead with the self-defense idea. There is nothing wrong with teaching a kid, boy or girl, to stand up for their rights, including the occasional well-timed smackdown. More often than not, that ends all hostilities.

My oldest is 14 and in high school now; I've had to deal with occasional idiocy from principals, including last year when she told me to my face that he was headed on a path to prison. Riiiiight. Shut the hell up!

Don't even get me started on zero-tolerance policies.

These people are just dangerous, there is no other word for it.

Geez, talk about traffic! Normally I wouldn't post to something with sooooo many comments, but I feel it necessary as a teacher and a mother.

First as a teacher. Self-esteem is 'earned' not given. Letting the bully get away with his behavior because of the loss of his mother, may have been understandable in the first 6 months, at which time, counseling should have been suggested to the father, before bringing a stepmother into the equation.

Also as a teacher of 11 seventh grade students, in a school that has an average of 23 students per class: In 4th grade there were 26 students in this class. Many in this group were learning disabled and emotionally disabled. The teacher cried tears of relief in June. 5th grade began with 19 students, for some reason many had left for the public school-we're a parochial school. 2 of those that left, had to place their children in special ed programs-although our school had been working with a modified program. Why? They were being bullied. By the end of 5th grade there were 16 kids-3 pulled out over the course of the year.
Entering 6th grade 14 were left, 2 had decided over the summer to take their chances on other schools.
End of 6th-13. Beginning of 7th the 11 I have. If I really had courage and wasn't a single mother with 2 kids in college, I'd call the two mothers/fathers of the decent kids and tell them to get the hell out.

As a mother:
In first grade my daughter was bullied by the girl down the block, whom I'd taken care of when her mom passed out.
Just like you, the school recommended counseling for my daughter. When the same school's kindergarten teacher told me she couldn't decide if my son belonged in the 'gifted' program or 'BD' (he is ADHD with an IQ of 160), I decided to remove the kids to Catholic schools-aka no labels.

3 years later the kids were in counseling because of divorce. Seems the daughter had 'internalized' the guilt of being bullied and having to change schools. The son was upset that he had to work at the same level as his classmates, although they were leveled.

Bottom line, stand up for your child, let them know they aren't at fault. If the teacher tells you this is 'the worst class ever' believe him or her and get your kid out of there, regardless of cost.

Geez, talk about traffic! Normally I wouldn't post to something with sooooo many comments, but I feel it necessary as a teacher and a mother.

First as a teacher. Self-esteem is 'earned' not given. Letting the bully get away with his behavior because of the loss of his mother, may have been understandable in the first 6 months, at which time, counseling should have been suggested to the father, before bringing a stepmother into the equation.

Also as a teacher of 11 seventh grade students, in a school that has an average of 23 students per class: In 4th grade there were 26 students in this class. Many in this group were learning disabled and emotionally disabled. The teacher cried tears of relief in June. 5th grade began with 19 students, for some reason many had left for the public school-we're a parochial school. 2 of those that left, had to place their children in special ed programs-although our school had been working with a modified program. Why? They were being bullied. By the end of 5th grade there were 16 kids-3 pulled out over the course of the year.
Entering 6th grade 14 were left, 2 had decided over the summer to take their chances on other schools.
End of 6th-13. Beginning of 7th the 11 I have. If I really had courage and wasn't a single mother with 2 kids in college, I'd call the two mothers/fathers of the decent kids and tell them to get the hell out.

As a mother:
In first grade my daughter was bullied by the girl down the block, whom I'd taken care of when her mom passed out.
Just like you, the school recommended counseling for my daughter. When the same school's kindergarten teacher told me she couldn't decide if my son belonged in the 'gifted' program or 'BD' (he is ADHD with an IQ of 160), I decided to remove the kids to Catholic schools-aka no labels.

3 years later the kids were in counseling because of divorce. Seems the daughter had 'internalized' the guilt of being bullied and having to change schools. The son was upset that he had to work at the same level as his classmates, although they were leveled.

Bottom line, stand up for your child, let them know they aren't at fault. If the teacher tells you this is 'the worst class ever' believe him or her and get your kid out of there, regardless of cost.

Biased- a simular thing happened to me in high school. We were indoors playing volleyball, and naturally enough there were some bullies on my side of the net. Well, the ball came over and I snapped my hand over my head and behind me to punch the ball back over. I didn't know one of my antagonists was sneaking up behind. Before I knew it, I had this pain in the small finger of my right hand, and the bully was out cold on the floor! He also had the most painful looking black-eye I had ever seen. Apparently, my pinky had caught him in his eye socket immediately below his eye. He and his friends steered well clear of me after that- for a few weeks. Then he gathered up his courage and anyone who thought they wanted to attack. That came to an abrupt end when my brothers- who liked to fight dirty- joined me. The moral?
Absolutely, positively DO NOT surrender to a bully. Living in fear of your next shakedown or beating is not living.

I was bullied throughout middle school. I was bullied by my group of "friends" - I was frequently on the recieving end of their hatred, for no outward reason. I was taunted and exiled, and I can remember eating lunch in the cafeteria by myself for months on end. In eighth grade though, I started getting it from a different group of girls. They started insulting me directly, on the bus. They told me that I used miracle-gro in my hair (I'm a redhead) to get it that color. They ruined two of my coats by plucking the plush lining out of the hoods. My hair was pulled, a couple of times so badly that it actually came out of my head. I was called the worst sort of names by those girls, just because I wanted to sit with my friends on the bus. I told my mother about it, and her advice: ignore it. She asked my grandfather about it (who occasionally drove the bus that I rode home) and he said that they were behaving. Of course - because they knew he was my grandfather. Of course they were going to behave.

One day I came home, and told my mother that I had had enough of everything, and that I was never riding the bus again; that if she wanted me to keep going to school, she was going to have to drive me there herself. I showed her all of the pock marks in the jackets from those girls. I told her that they'd pulled my hair, and everything else that had happened. My mother did what any other mother would do in that situation - she called the parents.

Calling the parents was not the best decision. Because the girls were home from school, their mothers asked them (while they were on the phone with my mother) if they'd been bothering me on the bus. Of course they said no, what kid is going to admit to bullying another kid? My mom told them that she had physical evidence against my being bullied, and that they [the parents] had better make sure that this doesn't happen to me again.

I got on the bus the next day thinking my problems had been solved. Boy was I wrong. As soon as the girls got on the bus, they lit into me, because my mother called their parents. They'd both been grounded by their respective parents, and told "not to pick on that girl anymore."

It didn't stop. I gave up sitting with my friends, and sat in the front seat. Once I got to high school, my mother drove and picked me up from school because it was on her way to work. The high school was big enough that I could spend all of my time in the music department - where I found real friends, that didn't bully - and never have to see those girls again.

Moral of the story, getting the parents involved is not always the best idea. In some cases, the bullying will stop, but most of the time, it only makes things worse. I agree with the group that says to get the school involved - on a legal level. Most school districts are all about covering their asses, and going after them that way would probably be the best way to get things accomplished. ESPECIALLY when there is more than one child involved. School districts seem to respond rather quickly when there's a group of parents and lawyers coming after them.

I also agree with the idea that DJ should get involved with something - I don't know you or your family very well, he may be involved in some sport or activity already. It doesn't even necessarily have to be martial arts, even though it comes in handy for dealing with bullies. Every kid has to find their niche somewhere - I found mine in music. Through that I discovered a big group of friends who had similar interests. After that, the bullies never came back.

Best of luck to you and DJ - I hope that you get this bullshit resolved! huge hugs

JPatterson beat me to the punch (!) on this one -

"A study was done in the past (sorry, can't remember who/exactly when) that found that the people with the HIGHEST self-esteem could be find among death row inmates.

This is what ALL studies show. The idea that people act badly towards others because of low self-esteem is from Oprah, not science.

Hey - time for a quick fact check. The Columbine killers were long-time problem kids (and we only know about the incidents that went into written reports). Their parents repeatedly made sure that local law enforcement officials and schools put the poor boys' feelings first... which taught them that they could do whatever they wanted. Not all bullies are obvious jock thugs.

I might suggest contacting an attorney to send a letter not only naming the parents, the school district, but the principal in name as well, promising legal action should ANY harm befall DJ at he hands of this little creep. Do NOT tell them you are going to do this, just DO it. It will put the ball in their court and hit them where it hurts. For a principal to be enabling this kind of behavior is unforgivable and usually actionable but by then it is often too late. Good luck!

Sorry to not have a story to add; a reputation for being a little off gave me a layer of protection. It was largely an act, and I've found that it works as an adult: who mugs somebody shouting at himself... (hey, sounds a bit like blogging)

Anyway, I thought I'd offer an additional suggestion. Have your son plant a copy of the Limbaugh Letter in the bully's desk. That kid'll be medicated and deprogrammed faster than his pop can flip pizza dough

LOL Justin... you're probably exactly right, too... I think that may be the best solution yet!

Never...........ever, just take the beatings. Not from anyone. Not anytime. I know.

Never...........ever, just take the beatings. Not from anyone. Not anytime. I know.

Never...........ever, just take the beatings. Not from anyone. Not anytime. I know. Also, I have said things like this before, but boys do things and respect things different from girls. Many of the comments are from women, and how they solved their problems. I don't think I see any guys saying "Don't teach DJ to stand up for himself" Oh crap, just email me or send me a comment on my blog and I will get back to you okay? I have too much to say about it.

make sure he kicks him in the nuts while he is down. might later affect his ability to procreate.

Personally, I'd recommend something like Judo or Wing Chun classes (physical size isn't an issue, and in some cases, the smaller person actually has the advantage). That way DJ could just knock Big Bully on his tail a few times instead of actually "beating up" the clod. Usually, the embarassment of being manhandled by a smaller individual gets someone to stop picking on you.

Those were my experiences, anyway. I was a late-bloomer, and the classes helped my coordination, as well.

Just my $0.02 worth...

"it's bully kids like this twerp that caused Columbine"

that will get him back peddling

And yes, DO suen he school system for not protecting your child or providing a safe learning environment

Get your kid a gun, each him to use it, and encourage him to gutshoot the next bully that gives him grief. I wish I had had the balls to do that when I was in school, it would have saved me a lot of pain.

Yeah. Good idea Matthew. Then DJ can get prosecuted as an adult for murder and go through puberty in prison. I'm sorry for the pain you went through in school, but I hope you were kidding.

Twenty years ago plus, Emily came home with bruises on her neck. Buffy choked her. Where the teacher was at the time was not discussed. Emily was shown exactly where to hit Buffy and how to hold her fist. Older brother stood in for Buffy. Emily cried. Next day the phone rang. Principal says Emily has hit another student! I ask to be put on hold while he asks her why and checks her neck. He comes back on to say goodbye.

I understand what your kid might be going through. I remember when a little kid, 9 y.o., bookish type, being bulied by a boy at least one year older than me, and very big. He also insulted, pushed and mocked my brothers, even younger than me. One day I pushed back, got his neck in my arm, and kept it there for a full minute. Bully disappeared from sight - but I wish somebody had told me it was OK to do so.
Just in case, it would be a good idea to start documenting your case.
There are very good martial arts courses around. Try Aikido, not violent and incredibly effective.

No, MD, I wasn't kidding. I was drunk. However, I don't need to have a couple of beers to hold the opinion that the ultraviolence is the best response to bullying. I've yet to meet a bully that could stand the sight of his own blood.

And no, I'm not talking about justifiable homicide this time. A broken nose will do nicely.

I haven't read through the many, many replies that have been posted to the piece you wrote about the school bully, only scanned them since I find that there's always lots of unhelpful snideness in these lengthy commentaries that say more about the poster than the issue itself. That said, I would offer the suggestion that the threat of LEGAL action, such as a civil suit for damages to your son's mental health, etc. (you know the drill, you've seen it in the papers and news often enough I'm sure - Johnny Cochran 101). The schools and their liberal warders understand THAT well enough even if right and wrong are beyond them.
I was bullied at various times during my school years for being a bespectacled geek. Invariably it ended when I flew into a rage and attacked my oppressor with pure blind fury, at the end of my endurance. Faced with a rage that was far beyond their simple hatred and stupidity, they left me alone. I hope that it doesn't come to this for your boy, but would suggest that a good swift kick to the nuts will make this kid go away, and if he comes around for another go at it and is EXPECTING the kick, move in close for a good strong GRAB and HOLD on the nasty lad's 'nads. I should think that faced with determined painful resistance, he'll desist. But what do I know? I'm just a white boy lost in the blues..........Good luck! - Charles "peace through superior firepower" Riggs, Kentucky.

Assault is assault, no matter what the age of the person who does it. Talk to your police and file a report, a restraining order, if necessary. Be prepared with documentation of the attacks and witnesses, if there were any.

Michele,
I just had to put my .02 cents in this....samething was going on when I was in middle school....one day I finally stood up to the idiot, I got my ass beat! But after that, he and I became decent friends!!! Something to do with the fact that I actually stood up to him....in a different school, my dad was military, had a kid that would ALWAYS pick on me at recess and only with his friends around....well, one day IN class, I beat the shit out of him while he sat in his chair....of course I got kicked out for 3 days but my dad understood....needless to say, kid never picked on me again, ever....

All I'm saying is that sometimes you have to fight to be a man, to copy the country song. It aint fun, it aint nice but sometimes you have to do it. It really makes me sick all this liberal crap about "feelings". Kids pick on kids because they can, plain and simple. When you fight back, they tend to leave you alone. Sit there and take it, they keep on doing it. I was a small kid till my junior year in high school and was constantly in fights till then. I think a lot of it was the fact that I would not take any crap from someone. Plain and simple. I didnt care what happend all I knew what that my parents would back me up, ONLY IF I WAS IN THE RIGHT. I got picked on a lot and because of it I fought a lot. I was labeled a "problem child". Why? In my opinon, because I stood up for myself.

If and when I have kids, they will know how to fight, plain and simple. They also will be home schooled. Period. Not because of bullies but due to the fact that the public education systems sucks. Not sure about college, it aint much better.

Where am I now in life? Let's see, did military service in both the Navy and the Marines, got a college degree and a pretty good job, and I still dont take any crap from people.

I dont like fighting, in fact, it hurts! But like I said before, sometimes you have to. Do all you can for DJ from the legal perspective, but have him ready to fight if he has to. If the school system wants to come down on him, so be it. You have to do what is right no matter what happens.

Jim

Oh Michelle, I'm so sorry about this. I don't have any good advice, but you've gotten so much here already that I don't think you'll miss the lack.

I have been totally blind since age one and this was a red flag in the public school system for me to be picked on. I was pushed around in halls, sexually harassed in class (although I didn't know what it really was so I ignored it), pushed down some stairs, and jabbed with pins. My parents would always listen to me but I chose to just ignore all this and hope it would go away. It did, but I think that was a coincidence and due more to moving on to highschool. It helped a little that I was unusually tall for a girl my age in middle school so that kept some of the kids away. I guess I just wanted to say that here's one mor person in your corner and I'm hoping that D.J. finds some kind of relief soon.

First thing first: the problem is not the "liberalization of schools". The problem is the "feel-good self-esteem" approach to dealing with problems.

You can ask the principal if he's ever taken basic chemistry. If he has, ask if he's aware of the idea of a catalyst. A catalyst causes a reaction when introduced to a certain mixture. The bully is a catalyst and is directly causing your son misery and pain. What is the possible good that can be gotten by removing part of the mixture and leaving in the catalyst?

No, the person whose self-esteem is suffering most is your son. He's a model student, the teacher said so, and for this he's being treated like the problem in the eyes of authority. This will make him less likely to go to authority figures for help and may lead him to believe he is less worthy of reaching out for help than he is.

I was bullied when I was younger, so in this I know whereof I speak.

You can also ask the principal if your son fighting back when being hit would be considered a problem, and if so why. Maybe you can suggest that if your son starts acting like a bully he'll be treated better by the principal - not in seriousness, just as exasperated last resort.

Right now the principal is ignoring initiating violence and even rewarding it. That's a pretty bad lesson. Self-esteem can only take you so far on it's own - it only takes you to greatness if seasoned with humility.

(for the record, I'm a liberal - and I don't hold with that kind of crap. It's not liberal, it's just plain asinine, and it's been done by both liberals and conservatives)

Yeah, we can tell you are a liberal: You come up with a spiffy, easily dismissed analogy (come on... chemistry?) and expect it to win an argument.

Cheap shot, I know, but I see it happening all the time.

Speaking from experience, I was bullied most of my life in school. I finally talked to a couselor that gave a damn and the two bullies (that year) got suspended; not before I gave one of them a reverse elbow strike to the mouth/nose. Never had a problem since. That was over 20 years ago. If DJ is pushed into a corner, have him come out swinging. If the school system punishes DJ, start up a VERY public campaign in the news that your school system is soft on bullies.

Michele,

as a former victim of bullying:

1 teach your kid to stand up for himself, and please keep standing up for him.

2 teach him self defense, try aikido, or judo, boxing, etc., keep trying until he finds something he likes. This will help your kid be more self confident, even (please hope this is true!!!) if he never has to use it. Ditto "best friend"

3 tell him if the fight starts, do not stop, one punch and back off is bullshit. Keep swinging even if the bully is down. If he is losing, keep swinging and start screaming and fight dirty. Do not quit.

4. Find these other kids and their parents. Get together and ALL (A!! L!! L!!) of you have to scream and make the moron of a principal LISTEN to YOU and YOURS. Find out from the teacher who else is getting bullied. Make sure he gets a call from all of you whenever any kid gets touched or threatened.

5. DOCUMENT Everything every time you or one of the other parents talk to a teacher or principal. RECORD IT WRITE IT DOWN GET WITNESSES. Make sure all the others do the same.

6. Talk to the Bully's parent if you must, but be careful. Make sure you have someone there with you. STAY CALM DO NOT THREATEN, DO NOT LOSE YOUR COOL. IF he will not listen , do not blow your cool, explain that you will expect that he keeps his kid under control and walk away.

7. God forbid, but find a lawyer. Discuss your options. Find one that is "connected" to the local school board or government if possible.

A quiet whisper is much better than a splashy story with these "public servants" and a pizza shop owner. Give them a chance to save face if possible. If not, go for the balls, try to drive bully boys father out of business and the principal and school board out of the town. It maybe be a pyrrhic victory, but DJ will know YOU cared.

8. Watch over DJ and his friends as best you can.

I pray DJ ends up better than I.

I tried #3, except one punch, backed off and got scared and beat up, and the bullying continued.

OK, I also used to get picked on in school (scrawny artist kids don't do well). Stopped when I realized that EVEN if I couldn't beat up the football player, I could VERY WELL make it HARD on him-- he was definitely going to kick my ass, but he was going to get punched in the nose & throat, kicked in the balls, and poked in the eyes in the process. For some reason, bullies don't like to feel the pain they dish out.

BTW tell your son I always feel a warm glow when the school bully packs my groceries or changes the oil in my new car.

And school administrators and fathers don't like to get letters from lawyers.

Send me your e-mail address and I'll send you a brochure on how to handle bullies, including a pre-written letter that you as a parent can give your school district about your concerns. Actually, that offer stands for anyone reading -- I'm at dawn AT caterwauling DOT com. I volunteer for the National Project to End/Prevent School Violence.

To keep bullying to a minimum, make sure that the school authorities (your child's teachers and principal) understand that you have a zero tolerance for abuse of your kid and that you will take them out of their comfort zone if it is a problem. Then make sure your kid knows that bullies look for someone easy to push around and make sure your kid knows that you are behind him 100% and that he will not be in trouble with you if he finds it necessary to defend himself. In my case, my kid was a model student and the threat to homeschool him was a powerful incentive for the school to keep him safe. There were only a small handful of incidences in grade school, which were resolved quickly.

A couple of notes (from a kid who used to be bullied til he got bigger than everybody in his class).

1) Self defense class can backfire. DJ hits bully, bully presses charges, or bully's parents (who always seem to get involved once the kid gets into trouble - and its never the kid or their fault) raise hell that you were "Teaching your kid to fight" or "looking for it".

2) Its a bad situation, and its not going to get better. To a degree, the district is putting their heads up their ass - because they're scared of the bully sueing.

3) Spend a few bucks, and get a lawyer these days. IANAL, but the Bully has now escalated into assault (threatening) and the school district has fallen down in their (latin for standing in for parents.. parentis locus?.. the lawyer will know). Have the lawyer write a letter to the local DA, School board, principal, and perhaps the parents - now the bully has a track record, and if the school district isn't dealing with it, they're now liable. The DA should be involved so they have to notice this. I might even suggest that you start a hard log of incidents, and your reactions, for future reference.

But since you've published this on the internet, I wouldn't advocate letting DJ loose to fight the bully. He might not win, and things will get worse, but more importantly, its obvious that your school and school district are scared of the bully, and DJ will get hurt worse.

If possible, I might recommend an "alternative" approach.... when the kid threatens DJ, have him go to the office right then and there and call you, and get him out of school. If you do that, make sure in writing that you're specifying he can do that, and insist that he can. If the school wants to cause problems with you on absent days, now you've got them with their own records showing when and how often he's getting bullied, and they're not dealing with it. (In a manner that might actually get up their ass into their head).

Its a bad situation, and best of luck.

Addison

I totoally agree with the people telling you to get a lawyer and find out if you can do anything about the school. And also get ur kid in some self defence class..something he likes. I wish you lots of luck on this and i hope it gets taken care of befor it gets out of hand. Im still in high school and my freshman year this boy bullied EVERYONE he came in contact with whether it was verbal or physical abuse and the school wouldnt do crap about it but sit him in the office. He literally sent a kid to the hospital who was in a coma for 13 days...and they still didnt suspend or expel him. They just talked to him about his actions and made him talk to the councelor which made it even worse. 2 months before freshman year was over..the kid( the bully) brought a gun to school and was going to shoot up the school. He STILL didn't get suspended or expelled! After many arguments and calls from parents who had kept thier kids home because the kid was still in school He finally got expelled for the gun. Thats out of hand...do what you can hun..n keep at it until something gets done about this kid before the bully goes too far . seeing a kid walking through the school with a gun is not a fun sight. If you dont mind post here n keep me updated thank you

Today, I take my daughter to court for arraignment because she used her fist to try and get away from a bully. The same bully had punched her around for a few days. She told a couple of techers but they told her just to stay out of the way, leave the room, etc. etc. She did not report to the office because she was afraid that the administration would somehow blame her and support the bully. She was right. Finally, after failing to get my daughter to throw the first puch, the bully jumped her at lunch, decking her with a hit to the jaw, partially dislocating it, and held her in a headlock while continuing to throw punches. Fed up and unable to otherwise get away, she threw a single, closed fist punch, which merely glanced off the rib cage of her assailant. Of course, that was the only thing the teacher saw. The principal's "interrogation" consisted of "Did you hit her? So you were fighting, right?" He told me that because she did not claim self-defence he had no choice, under "zero tolerance" but to have them both charged with fighting. He also told me her failure to report the previous assaults made her guilty of retailiation. Then he told me that because she used a closed fist, she was not trying to get away, i.e. self-defence, but was trying to physically harm the other girl. I had to almost physically restrain my wife at that point. The police officer decided that fighting wasn't appropriate and reduced the charge to disorderly conduct, but told me that under the law, he had no choice but to cite her into court. A teacher had the audacity to state that my daughter "deserved it" because of her attitude. ??? Oh, yes, the irony is my daughter has three individual gold medals and two team gold medals in sport karate (kempo). She was afaid to use her skills because she thought she might have caused the bully some serious harm. She just wanted the bully to leave her alone without having to be labled a "stoolie" or being charged with assault. So she was suspended for three days, received two demerits which could have sent her to "alternative education" and an appointment with the judge. This for deliberately choosing not to fight. Before I take on the school in both state and federal court, I'm waiting to resolve this misdemeanor first, as being found "not guilty" will add power to the lawsuits. No matter what, the bully wins. The victim must have provoked it. Right?

Just to follow-up on my previous posting, my daughter pleaded "not guilty" so the judge sent us to talk to the prosecutor (sitting at the end of the same table). He verified her plea and asked her what she wanted him to do. I told him to drop the charges. Of course he laughed. I told him the state had no case. That caught his interest. Then I told him the story, pretty much as above, and added that I've already talked to several "witnesses" and that they were afraid to testify because the bully had already threatened them about doing so. That really got his attention. So he proposed that the charges be deferred for up to six months and if she did not get into any more trouble at school, verified by the principal, he would drop all charges. Since she never has been in trouble, we accepted. Not exactly the ideal result, but no trial and no expenses. And she won't have a record in the end. Not really a surprise, but the bully didn't show. I did notice her file was a half-inch thick. If I heard the judge correctly, he was ordering her arrest. Now I need to find an attorney to see what we can do about the school's and district's handling of the situation. "Zero tolerence", at least here, is a laughable farce and a miserable failure, assuring that the bully will win every time. Why is it so difficult to understand that a bully doesn't fear or at least care about authority and no threat of punishment is a deterrent? The bully wins by merely taking the victim down with him/her or disrupting the victim's life. They also seem to ignore the fact that peer pressure / social pressure is a hell of a lot bigger influence than the school's desire for the student to respond like mind-numbed robots: "report all problems to the office!" and get your ass kicked up one side of the campus and down the other. I most definitely remember Jr. High - getting beaten by the bully was much preferable to turning a student in to the principal. Is there a solution? Nothing perfect, but a sanctioned peer-to-peer dicipline/court/whatever does seem to work where it's tried. A more diciplined approach to getting together a gang and beating the crap out of the bully after school.

When you teach your kid Aikido, there's really nothing the law can do against him.

There was a prison guard who used an Aikido armlock (nikkyo) to subdue an enraged prisoner.

Prisoner got up from the lock and broke his own wrist.

Case dismissed.

_______

However, there's a double side to this.
Aikido takes years to internalize and become useful.
Your child may not have that time.

Also, coming to Aikido classes WHILE being bullied will make your child more prone to injury during class, and he will be more likely to injure other Aikido students inadvertedly.

When I have a kid, I will start teaching them Aikido principles of movement from the youngest age possible. That way, they'll have a head-start on all the bullies...

___

My kindergarden bullies were almost as scary as the middle school bullies.

i think that bullying is stupid i mean im in a situation right now like that one kid is older than me he's alot taller than me. and plus i can't get my liscense suspended,already talked to the principal about it and he wont take action so i will have to im tired of going to school its so bad right now i mean if we dont take action how bad is it going to be in 10 years?

Listen here, I am a 17 year old, 250 pound boy.
I am fat, not strong, but I can take care of myself. Know why I don't? I don't know. I was raised a coward. The only time i ever flipped on someone was when i was pantsed in the hall during a class change in grade 9.
I have 2 mentally hadnicapped, adopted twin brothers, 3 years younger than me. EVERYday they are picked on, sometimes physically, sometimes verbally, sometimes with hammers, or books, or anything around. Everytime, nothing happens. Every now and again, the bully will start right after coming back from the office.
HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY GONNA DEAL WITH IT? I KNOW! I am gonna go around the school and offer money do the kid to hurt these bastards. As much as I can find.

Real good advice from an observant friend of the most bullied people ever. First up, if the child likes the style, let them go goth, even just clothes. It carries an intimidation effect. Second, ALWAYS have a friend, or two. Third, by grade 10, everyone will have friends that their 'rents dont like, or know about. Mine stabbed a guy for no reason at 2 in the morning. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow. I need a favor, nothing fatal, or even knife related, but definatly painfull.
Finally, there is nothing wrong with a good cheap shot! Trust me on this.
Scenario: Bully walks up to you, "your a fag!'
And walks away. You casually say "eat a dick" USE THOSE WORDS, itseems spontanious. As bully turns around if hes not close enough, he'll probably come up to the kid as close as he can and try to loom over him. This is intimidation, if your kid apologises, or denys saying it, he is shown as weak. Let the bully say something like "what did you just say?"
Before he can finish the words, assuming hes close enough spit at him (assuming you can spit good). He will take a sec to wipe it off his face if you have good aim. Don't let him.
Slam him in the nose as hard as you can. For a deadly effect, aim low and punch high, its rumored that can send splinters into the brain and....well, maybe tell you kids to aim straight. Once this happens, keep going. Every where, the chest, the groin, step on the ribs, the knees, punch the neck, just make sure this guy is worth it, because there is no such thing as justice in school. You will be punished. The only real time someone gets punished is when there is an ambulance coming to pick up the kid, the school can't surgar coat that. Expect big trouble.
My last word of advice, DON'T DONT ON YOUR KID! Reward him for defending himself, not starting thr fight, unless the bully has been constantly bugging the kid.
And accept that your kid CAN do wrong, AND even may start a fight.
All the bullies i know have fucked families and doting mothers. I know this fruit that runs around "showing off" to people, and his mom sais that there is no way thats happening. It must be the others egging him on. Like 10 other boys wanna see what he has? OOOKAY then.
Sorry if i have mispelled or talked in circles or generally not made sense, but its 630 AM and i can sleep cuz i broke up with my 3 year girl frined over some guy that is moving in on her. So, good luck, do what you can. I know i will.

Listen here, I am a 17 year old, 250 pound boy.
I am fat, not strong, but I can take care of myself. Know why I don't? I don't know. I was raised a coward. The only time i ever flipped on someone was when i was pantsed in the hall during a class change in grade 9.
I have 2 mentally hadnicapped, adopted twin brothers, 3 years younger than me. EVERYday they are picked on, sometimes physically, sometimes verbally, sometimes with hammers, or books, or anything around. Everytime, nothing happens. Every now and again, the bully will start right after coming back from the office.
HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY GONNA DEAL WITH IT? I KNOW! I am gonna go around the school and offer money do the kid to hurt these bastards. As much as I can find.

Real good advice from an observant friend of the most bullied people ever. First up, if the child likes the style, let them go goth, even just clothes. It carries an intimidation effect. Second, ALWAYS have a friend, or two. Third, by grade 10, everyone will have friends that their 'rents dont like, or know about. Mine stabbed a guy for no reason at 2 in the morning. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow. I need a favor, nothing fatal, or even knife related, but definatly painfull.
Finally, there is nothing wrong with a good cheap shot! Trust me on this.
Scenario: Bully walks up to you, "your a fag!'
And walks away. You casually say "eat a dick" USE THOSE WORDS, itseems spontanious. As bully turns around if hes not close enough, he'll probably come up to the kid as close as he can and try to loom over him. This is intimidation, if your kid apologises, or denys saying it, he is shown as weak. Let the bully say something like "what did you just say?"
Before he can finish the words, assuming hes close enough spit at him (assuming you can spit good). He will take a sec to wipe it off his face if you have good aim. Don't let him.
Slam him in the nose as hard as you can. For a deadly effect, aim low and punch high, its rumored that can send splinters into the brain and....well, maybe tell you kids to aim straight. Once this happens, keep going. Every where, the chest, the groin, step on the ribs, the knees, punch the neck, just make sure this guy is worth it, because there is no such thing as justice in school. You will be punished. The only real time someone gets punished is when there is an ambulance coming to pick up the kid, the school can't surgar coat that. Expect big trouble.
My last word of advice, DON'T DONT ON YOUR KID! Reward him for defending himself, not starting thr fight, unless the bully has been constantly bugging the kid.
And accept that your kid CAN do wrong, AND even may start a fight.
All the bullies i know have fucked families and doting mothers. I know this fruit that runs around "showing off" to people, and his mom sais that there is no way thats happening. It must be the others egging him on. Like 10 other boys wanna see what he has? OOOKAY then.
Sorry if i have mispelled or talked in circles or generally not made sense, but its 630 AM and i can sleep cuz i broke up with my 3 year girl frined over some guy that is moving in on her. So, good luck, do what you can. I know i will.

Listen here, I am a 17 year old, 250 pound boy.
I am fat, not strong, but I can take care of myself. Know why I don't? I don't know. I was raised a coward. The only time i ever flipped on someone was when i was pantsed in the hall during a class change in grade 9.
I have 2 mentally hadnicapped, adopted twin brothers, 3 years younger than me. EVERYday they are picked on, sometimes physically, sometimes verbally, sometimes with hammers, or books, or anything around. Everytime, nothing happens. Every now and again, the bully will start right after coming back from the office.
HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY GONNA DEAL WITH IT? I KNOW! I am gonna go around the school and offer money do the kid to hurt these bastards. As much as I can find.

Real good advice from an observant friend of the most bullied people ever. First up, if the child likes the style, let them go goth, even just clothes. It carries an intimidation effect. Second, ALWAYS have a friend, or two. Third, by grade 10, everyone will have friends that their 'rents dont like, or know about. Mine stabbed a guy for no reason at 2 in the morning. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow. I need a favor, nothing fatal, or even knife related, but definatly painfull.
Finally, there is nothing wrong with a good cheap shot! Trust me on this.
Scenario: Bully walks up to you, "your a fag!'
And walks away. You casually say "eat a dick" USE THOSE WORDS, itseems spontanious. As bully turns around if hes not close enough, he'll probably come up to the kid as close as he can and try to loom over him. This is intimidation, if your kid apologises, or denys saying it, he is shown as weak. Let the bully say something like "what did you just say?"
Before he can finish the words, assuming hes close enough spit at him (assuming you can spit good). He will take a sec to wipe it off his face if you have good aim. Don't let him.
Slam him in the nose as hard as you can. For a deadly effect, aim low and punch high, its rumored that can send splinters into the brain and....well, maybe tell you kids to aim straight. Once this happens, keep going. Every where, the chest, the groin, step on the ribs, the knees, punch the neck, just make sure this guy is worth it, because there is no such thing as justice in school. You will be punished. The only real time someone gets punished is when there is an ambulance coming to pick up the kid, the school can't surgar coat that. Expect big trouble.
My last word of advice, DON'T DONT ON YOUR KID! Reward him for defending himself, not starting thr fight, unless the bully has been constantly bugging the kid.
And accept that your kid CAN do wrong, AND even may start a fight.
All the bullies i know have fucked families and doting mothers. I know this fruit that runs around "showing off" to people, and his mom sais that there is no way thats happening. It must be the others egging him on. Like 10 other boys wanna see what he has? OOOKAY then.
Sorry if i have mispelled or talked in circles or generally not made sense, but its 630 AM and i can sleep cuz i broke up with my 3 year girl frined over some guy that is moving in on her. So, good luck, do what you can. I know i will.

I am a 2nd degree black belt instructor in Taekwondo. I teach children ages 4-8 how to protect themselves from all sorts of situations. After having a problem with my own son being bullied in public school I see the pain and anguish of a innocent child. I have to say that our school has handled the problem much better than most. We taught our son to stand up to the bully at all cost. No ignoring, complaining or asking the bully to stop worked. My son passed out the news to the bullies friend that he was going to do Taekwondo on his butt. He named the time and the place of the fight. Guess what. The bully never showed. The friends of the bully now see my son as brave. They have befriended him. Problem solved. Next time the situation comes up, my son has a solution.

Dear Michele,

It is Sunday, April 20 and I am just now reading your post and replies. I was wondering how you made out with DJ and the school district. I am currently facing the same problem and have gone to the police department to no avail. The Haddon Heights, NJ Policeman made it clear that although it is an assault, he does not want me to press charges and was politely sent on my way. The unfortunate part also, my children go to Catholic School...It seems that the idiot catholic mother that I am, have involuntary signed their rights away and [my children] are not as protected as the the children in Public School. If you would be so kind as to shed some light into my thick brain as to how you made out with DJ, I'm sure my 6 year old would appreciate it. Thank You and Best Wishes.

hey i think you guys all need to stick up to a bully. If you are a sissy learn how to fight and fight stop being a BITCH that wants attention. So next time a bully picks on you beat them down.

Lori,

You still sound like the same little brat you were more than 20 years ago.

For God`s Sake People

Don`t let your children get involved in `learning to fight` (and all that crap) as a bully will not be happy until he`s got his revenge and fucked your kid up big time.

Give your child a gun (glock; ak47 or MP5 if you`ve got some money). Smoke the motherfucker - you get me?

Fuck the government and fuck the police - fuck the school too.

David

I feel for you and your son.I know what its like to be in a situation that looks hopeless and when you encourage your children or child to stand up for his or herself please be prepared all eyes are going to turn to you and mouths will spit out your a bad parent for letting your child kick butt.You will hear these are children and teaching them how to fight or saying its ok to go to this measure will only teach them that violence is ok,and its not.But sometimes kids have to take a stand even if they get punished for it I know this from my own experience with my 5 year old talking and no one would listen to her so she got thier attention at school and then she got into really bad trouble for not acting like a child and children should know thier place I was told.