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cranium blowout!!

deadanim.gifIn my post below about Bad Taste, Kevin asks what I thought of Dead Alive. First, I refer to this post. Oh, and this one.

Basically, Dead Alive is the greatest horror movie ever made. Complete gross-out gore with some of the best quotes EVER:

Your mother ate my dog!
Not all of it.

That's my mother you're pissing on!

And the best: Cranium blowout!!

We have Meet the Feebles but have yet to watch it. And it won't be tonight because this is the night that Oz returns. Please do not call my house between 9 and 10 EST, thank you.


How about the priest's best line:

"I kick ass for the Lord!"

Anna, I didn't mention that one because Kevin quoted it in the other post. Great, great line.

Anna, you have stumbled onto the one true way to redeem the Catholic Church's reputation!

If they moved from whining about abortions to smiting evil... and I mean SMITING... they'd be back in favor in no time.

I mean, imagine that Arafat starts weasling about terrorism again, and the Pope just ups and kicks his ass(with how sick the poor guy is, it could be classified as a god-given miracle).

The clergy would be horrified, but it would be again be possible to say the words "Catholic Church" and "morality" in the same sentence without giggling.

Sorry to seem like i'm rubbing it in or something, but someone else can try to explain what the fuck happened in that game back there...

I'm off to get fantastically drunk and sing loudly.

San Francisco. I love you all. Goddamnit...

Ryan, old boy, you're free to "giggle" at whatever you want (and I'm guessing you do just that). But it isn't necessary for every minister (bishop, priest) in the Catholic Church to be blameless before the Church can take stances on moral issues.

Granted, but doesn't it say something when a frigging politician (George Bush) has a better grasp on good and evil than the Pope does?

Go find another thread to comment on. This a fucking post about horror movies. Jesus Christ, let the politics and religion go once in a while or I'll have to ban your IP.

Yeah, Crimson cow, stick to the subject.

Yes, ma'am (Bows and exits)

The cow can stay. He amuses me.

The cow can stay. He amuses me

Yea, for i have bells that tinkle and a dance to lighten the hearts of many a tired soul...

Line my palm with a mere groat and methinks I may dance for you, good sir...

Hee Hee

Hmm. How mooooving.

What's yer thoughts on Evil Dead then, if you don't mind me bringing up older stuff...

whassa groat??? :)

However, for the sake of appearances...

Here is The Amazing Drunk Boy's take on horror in a nutshell...

I watched Final Destination last week, and have since realised that amazingly stupid people can masquerade as writers, just as long as they can amass a large enough number of good-looking all-american (by which i mean, chiselled cheekbones and beautiful skin a la perfume advertising, not as a xenophobic slur. sorry) retards in a small space as possible, saturate the plot with as much hokey faux-existential garbage as possible, and sign up Sean William Scott for the project asap.

Horror movies and perfume advertising are much the same thing nowadays. Only the perfume models look like they died ages ago, and are only being operated by strings. It's always difficult to make a movie seem intelligent when you're quite obviously aiming it at idiots.

Dead Alive, or Braindead as it's known out here in the sticks, was a great movie because it was fun, not a FUCKING Tommy Girl ad masquerading as a 10-year old's thinking slasher.

Blah, blah, blah

I'm much better at that ol' jester dance than i am at reviewing films, honest...

see? (dances on the spot pathetically)

Evil Dead? I thought that movie was great. It was kinda anarchic and imaginative, which is always welcome in a movie.

I was a little disappointed by some of the later ones in the series, but I get bored of franchise movies easily...

Its a old english coin.

What a groat looks like

Yikes, the secret's out...

You won't think any the less of me if I 'come out' as a British guy, will ya?

If it helps, I didn't inhale or anything. And, well, I was young and naiive, and i needed the money...


We can forgive MUCH, since you make the required sacrifices to Evil Dead.

We will even refrain from any obvious jokes about english cows and foot-and-mouth.

Are we not generous?

Now, if you were French on the other hand...


I missed Foot and Mouth, man. I was sunning myself in Westwood, CA at the time. Shit, so upset I missed that...

However, there are far more cruel jokes to be made about a semi-retarded country who still believes that Princess Diana was a saint, that Pop Idol is the future of music, and that the existence of a monarchy is still a feasible idea on account of 'the tourism'. Morons...

I wish i still had that picture of me burning that union jack in the middle of Birmingham. That was fun...

Anyway, back to movies. Any top fives to speak of?

Dawn of the Dead. That's my #1 Horror movie. Personally I think it's one of the crucial American movies of the 1970's--the last great decade in American film. I rank it up there with The Conversation, Godfather (I and II), Parallex Effect, Night Moves, along with many others. I don't think Dead Alive, Evil Dead, The Re-Animator (great one that is often overlooked lately), or others in that sort of horror/comedy genre would even exist were it not for the model of Dawn.

A top 5 horror lineup, you say?

1. Alien/Aliens
2. Evil Dead 3
3. Scary movie (lest we take our slasher films seriously)
4. Night of the Living Dead (for pure camp).

And... um... hmm... 4 should be enough! :)

I'm really sorry, Joel. I was really psyched about posting a run-down of my favourites, but unfortunately, my brain just melted from excessive quantities of gin mixers.

I'm now physically incapable of offering anything more than mad rambles and bizarre musings of a disturbing nature...

CAZART! This would never have happened if the Giants could actually snap a fucking football. hee hee.

And, for the first time ever, the Great Gonzo is proved horribly, horribly, wrong.

Eek, this depraved lifestyle is having a terrifying effect on my writing career. Vincent Price building time machines in suburban basements? What fresh lunacy is this? Goddamnit, I need absolution before this gin finishes me. My soul needs cleansing...

oooh, i forgot about the Alien series.

...Although there was a commercial for a holiday park in the UK where they parodied that scene in the original, only in the commercial a large teddy bear with penguins and streamers popped out of this guy's chest, and really cheery music appeared out of the ether.

And now i have that stuck in my mind

Especially since i have no idea why a holiday camp would believe that an approach like that would attract families to a caravanning retreat for the weekend. The depravity...


Still, made me laugh. And that's all that counts. Or at least that's what Jesus told me while we were out at that strip club last week.

Nooooo. no. stop it you fool, you'll be lynched for sure. the natives are armed around these parts. they'll be round your house with crossbows and nail you to a tree for your sins, and then there'll be no more playoffs for you, daddy o.

ah well...

I haven't been able to eat tapioca since I saw Dead Alive : My ex, the Troll, thought the movie would take my mind off of my troubles at the time, unfortunately the chemo that was kicking my ass was my trouble.... Still, Peter Jackson did a wonderful job with a $1.98 budget and no names to speak of. Roger Corman is my favorite low-budget horror film maker, Carnosaur and such were great fun. In the horror/comedy dept, Tremors rocked. Going back a few years, I loved the 50's sci-fi horror flick Wasp Woman, vanity being one of my favorite vices.....

well then, how about most overrated? It's really more fun to slag things anyway. Here's one that usually gets people yelling at me: The Shining . And really I must amend my previous post. Most horrifying movie ever? That would have to be Battlefield Earth .

In seriousness though I would include Alien, The Birds, Psycho (call me old fashioned), Suspiria, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Peeping Tom, Bride of Frankenstein, The Thing (original, not the Carpenter remake), Halloween and a special honorable mention must go out to The Wicker Man which I guess isn't really a horror movie but was one of the most baffling moviegoing experiences I have ever had.

But now, in honor of the cow, a newly opened bottle of Bushmills awaits...

I'm not big on horror movies, but Dead Alive is so completely out there that I like it. It falls into that "It's so bad it's good" category.

My favorite line?
"It's infested with VER-min."

Joel -

I agree with you on the Shining. I remember the first time I saw it I was like 12 years old and watching it with my brother. My aunt was there to make sure that we "didn't get too scared." She didn't need to worry--we were laughing our asses off. I still fall out of my chair laughing when Nicholson goes "Here's Johnny..." It's one of the funniest movies ever, I tell ya.

The Shining's plot isn't all that scary. The soundtrack makes that movie. I just watched it for the first time ever this year. I couldn't help thinking that something awful was going to happen because of all of the screeching violins.

I agree with everyone on Alien. What about The Exorcist? In my opinion, it's a classic. I don't know if it was scary, but it sure was disturbing.

What, no references to Cemetery Man?

And Meet the Feebles is the greatest movie ever made. It was the first movie I bought and watched on my DVD player.

I've talked about Cemetery Man before. What a fantastic movie that is.

I don't think it's even available on DVD yet.

Have you guys heard of a movie called 28 Days Later? It's a British zombie flick. Except instead of traditional lurching corpses, these zombies are still alive, infected with a manmade virus that induces a permanent state of murderous rage and gives the victims adrenalin-fueled speed and strength. Sounds like my kind of deal. It's supposed to be playing at the Sundance festival this month, but I don't know when it's opening in the US.

Dog Soldiers was good, I liked that one. Not the most original action/horror flick ever (basically it's Aliens meets Night of the Living Dead, with werewolves). But it had a sense of humor about itself.

I doubt Boyle could have made 28 Days Later any less Brit-centric. It did have some incredible shocks and a fantastic premise going for it, but such a cop-out ending it was somewhat unbelievable.

Dog Soldiers was just too fun for words though.

I've heard a bit about 28 Days and am intrigued to say the least. What I read made it sound a bit like the Romero movie The Crazies. Sadly it'll never make it to a movie theater near where I live. The 2 or 3 indie cinemas won't ever bring the latest zombie flick in. Instead we get Bowling for Columbine on mulitple screens. ugh...

Dog Soldiers I'll have to track down. It sounds like my cup of tea.

Cemetary Man still isn't on DVD and probably won't appear anytime soon, unless say Anchor Bay gets around to it. It's the kind of thing that seems right up their alley.

"Meet the Feebles" is amazing, especially if you're a Muppets fan (they even show an image of Kermit in a tiny cameo--I won't give it away, but it's very funny).

The film is sick, sick, sick. The songs are disgusting. The film is rated NC-17 (I think? I hope?) for a very good reason. Do NOT let your kids watch this.

It's also wonderful, and I own it on DVD.

A caveat: the movie-to-DVD transfer, alas, sucks royally. The film is in bad shape, very scratched up and underexposed, and the DVD, for some reason, lacks chapters! Here's hoping Peter Jackson re-releases it in better form someday soon.