what becomes a legend most?
My sister Jo-Anne meant well when she bought Natalie a subscription to Teen People magazine for her birthday last year. Little did she know that the magazine was a conglomeration of soft-porn ads and shrilly teenage girls mentally masturbating to celebrities.
This month's issue has some stellar articles. Take, for example, the collection of quotes from the pantheons of teenage entertainment who made it to the Teen People 2002 Hall of Fame.
Howie from Backstreet Boys: "We've acheived stuff tha you would imagine the Beatles doing."
Last time I checked, Howie, the Beatles didn't prance around on stage to choreographed moves while someone else played the music. Hey, how's that that sixteenth minute of fame feeling?
Tom from Blink-182: "When I'm 50 years old I'm going to look back and not believe how many people came to watch us play."
No, when you're 50 years old you will still be calling yourself a punk icon and dropping your drawers in videos. But when you're 60 years old, you're going to say, what the fuck was I thinking with these stupid tattoos?
J.C from Nsync: "We never in our wildest dreams imagined that we'd sell out stadiums and have mechanical bulls and drawbridges on stage."
Nope. The mechanical bull reference is too easy. Not gonna do it.
Avril Lavigne: "I'm authentic. People can relate to that. They need that."
Honey, you are about as authentic as professional wrestling. In two years, your script will change and you'll be showing your tits to a Rolling Stone photographer. And can the skinny ties and studded bracelets, babe. That's so last decade.
See, I didn't read magazines like this when I was young. I read Creem magazine. I read Rolling Stone when it was on newsprint and didn't feature half naked women on the cover.
Maybe I'm getting old. Maybe I'm becoming one of those people who said they would be a "cool" parent but just can't quite realize that misguided dream. I guess I'd rather be known as the uncool mom than have my daughter emulating people who look like they haven't had a meal in three years and gave up clothing for Lent.