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bring out your dead

I've been perusing the entries for Laurence's ATS Dead Pool contest. I have to say, I'm amused by some of the choices.

When it comes to contests and competition, I do not fool around. Just ask Bill Quick. My choices, made after careful research and using a mathematical formula, are all people who have a seriously good chance of kicking the bucket in 2003. For the record, those people are:

Ali, Muhammed; Auerbach, Red; Berra, Yogi; John Paul II; Koop, C. Everett; Mandela, Nelson; Reagan, Ronald; Salinger, J.D.; Strawberry, Daryl

Had I, like other people, gone with wishful thinking, the list would have been quite different. And had there not been that caveat to the rule that you couldn't actually kill one of your choices yourself, Ted Rall might have been on my list. But Jane Finch did pick Mr. Rall and I don't think there is anything in the rules that says I can't help her out.

(all links to players and their picks can be found on the ATSDP page)

Chuck Simmons made a wise choice with Courtney Love. The path to self-destruction is a swift one. Courtney's time is nigh. The days are also numbered for Whitney Houston in that respect, and a few people made the wise decision to include her.

Seven people chose Eminem. I have news for those seven - people like that do not die. They stick around to annoy you on purpose.

Nine people chose Keith Richards and I think that pick should be disqualified because the walking dead shouldn't count.

Jimbo had some odd choices with Cokie Roberts and Shakira. Do I sense a bit of disdain there? Cokie Roberts, that wouldn't shake my world. But Shakira - as a woman who appreciates the female form in all it's beauty, I would be saddened to not have Shakira's shaking ass to look at anymore.

Alex Knapp chose another, yet skankier, ass-shaker, Christina Aguilera. Good pick, she will obviously die from pnuemonia if she doesn't put some clothes on. Alex also picked Ben Affleck. He may be on to something. I think Ben is suffering from some kind of disease that makes his forehead grow lareger every day. It's the size of a small country now.

Stacy all chose Ben Affleck for her list. She had some rather interesting picks to go along with Ben, including Anna Nicole Smith who, once she gets off whatever medication she's on might die of embarassment when she sobers up and realizes what she has become, and Liam Gallagher, who very well might be killed by his own brother some day. That should be worth double points.

Kim Du Toit, not suprisingly, chose Sarah Brady and I won't even get into the ironic way in which I am assuming Kim envisions Mrs. Brady's demise. He also picked Helen Thomas. Some day I will be watching C-Span and Helen will keel over right there on tv and a few reporters, also in dead pools, will stand up and pump their fists in the air. And then Ari Fliescher will somehow be blamed for her death.

Jack, what's with Cedric the Entertainer? You have something up your sleeve?

Bret went with J.Lo, who just may die from exhaustion while running away from yet another marriage. Don Knotts is still alive?

Other strange picks included Montel Williams, Wynona Rider, Britney Spears, Perry Farrell (note to Mari, I think the drugs keep Perry in a constant state of limbo - he is neither dead nor alive), Macauley Culkin, Phil Donahue, Donald Trump, Oprah Winfrey, Maureen Dowd and Andrew Sullivan. I think the Sullivan pick was rather mean spirited and I will refrain from comment on that.

Note to Saren: Ann Coulter will not die. She sold her soul a long time ago and will thus live forever, tormenting liberals and conservatives alike with her special brand of vitriol.

disclaimer: For the more virtuous among us, I do not wish these people dead (for the most part) nor do I wish that horrible, deadly things will fall upon them. I do not condone the killing of celebrities/politicians for financial gain, nor do I condone assasinations of any sort in order to win a contest. However, I am all about having fun at the expense of others and laughing death in the face. Death is inevitable, folks, and with most of these people it will happen sooner rather than later. Personally, I think Daryl Strawberry should be a man and take one for the team. He was a selfish ballplayer his whole life. Now would be the time for him to prove that he can step up to the plate and win one for the Gipper. Me being the Gipper, of course.

You may commence with the hate mail/comments now.


Since I am Judge, I will not participate in the chase of the Hearse O'Prizes. However, I will post an exhibition list that I'm certain will yield nine corpses.

If my picks pan out, we'll be down two thugs and five idiotarians... And I'd get a day off work for the Carter Day of Mourning. Bonus!

And yeah, I picked "walking dead" Keith Richards myself. I figured he's been living on borrowed time for at least a decade.

BarCodeKing... Don't the rules say the person has to be currently alive? Keith Richards doesn't count. He's been a reanimated dead person since '72.

It's gotta be true, I read it in the Star.

As a team player, I would never have anything to do with the death of one of my picks...rules are rules. However, I WAS going to ask you what your fees would be....

Montel Williams has terminal nonoperative cancer.

Yeah, I took Andrew Sullivan. Call it mean-spirited if you'd like but I wanted a celebrity weblogger.

Sullivan's a good guy (fun to mock, but a good guy) and his fight against AIDS is heroic. Still, he's a little more likely to die than Glenn Reynolds or whoever else you can think of.

I think Marion Barry is still alive...

I think Helen Thomas is worth 0 points. She has to be 100 by now.

darn. According to www.dead-or-alive.org, she is only 82. Who whould have guessed?

Yeah, Helen Thomas would make a great pick. Same principle for anyone who seems a lot older than (s)he is.

I was too lazy to look up most people's real ages but Wilford Brimley is the "looks/acts older than he is" poster boy. Plus when he dies, maybe that Cocoon thing will happen.

On the subject of funeral arrangements, which option would count as "the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it"?

No, Matt, I think the mean-spirited person was the one who picked Meryl Yourish. I thought that was awful.

Only two of my nine are "uniques" (so far, anyway): Barbra Streisand and Gore Vidal.