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get your tin foil hats here!

Jack Cluth posted about a site that tells you how to prevent alien abductions.

Now, you may think that alien abduction is a funny subject, but not everyone does.

Just about a year ago, I wrote about my sleep problems, which include hypnagogic dreams and sleep paralysis as well as vivid, detailed dreams/nightmares which leave me exhausted upon waking.

Several people wrote to me to say that my problems weren't related to sleep, but that I was being abducted by aliens during the night and used for experimentation. They were even kind enough to include links to studies on the subject.

Of course, I thought it was pure bullshit. I had a conversation with my mother about it.

Me: So, people have been saying that I don't sleep well because aliens kidnap me at night.
Mom: Oh, they aren't kidnapping you. They are trying to return you to your real parents.

Thanks, mom.

Anyhow, of the 58 signs that you have been abducted by aliens, I can say yes to most of them, but with other explanations.

However, I've never had a missing fetus (#15), and "Have a fear that you must be very vigilant or you will be taken away by "someone.'"(#52) can be directly attributed to the Department of Homeland Security. As for #25 - Have had, at any time, blood or strangl stain on sheet or pillow, with no explanation of how it got there, if can say yes to that and #34 -Have awoken with soreness in your genitals which can not be explained - then my husband needs to stop watching porn before he goes to bed.

Perhaps I'll invest in one of Michael Menkin's Thought Screen Helmets just to play it safe. I mean, how can you argue with a testimonial like this:

“Since trying Michael Menkin’s Helmet, I have not been bothered by alien mind control. Now my thoughts are my own. I have achieved meaningful work and am contributing to society. My life is better than ever before. Thank you Michael for the work you are doing to save all humanity.”- Jon Locke, alien abductee

Well, John Locke, I think that by letting the aliens take you away to their super-secret planet and staying there would be a great contribution to society.

Shit, I'm out of tin foil.

(bonus mp3 and lyrics included in the MORE section!)

Radiohead "Subterranean Homesick Alien": listen

The breath of the morning
I keep forgetting
The smell of the warm summer air

I live in a town
Where you can't smell a thing
You watch your feet
For cracks in the pavement

Up above
Aliens hover
Making home movies
For the folks back home

Of all these weird creatures
Who lock up their spirits
Drill holes in themselves
And live for their secrets

They're all uptight
Uptight.. (x7)

I wish that they'd swoop down in a country lane
Late at night when I'm driving
Take me on board their beautiful ship
Show me the world as I'd love to see it

I'd tell all my friends
But they'd never believe
They'd think that I'd finally lost it completely

I'd show them the stars
And the meaning of life
They'd shut me away
But I'd be all right
All right..

I'm just uptight
Uptight..

Comments

AND the Thought Screen Helmet will only set you back $35. Hell, that won't even get you into a Packers game.... ;0)

I thought those were signs you might be an alcoholic. Most of my "yes" answers are related to that. No missing fetus. I think it's just Christmas cookies in there.

They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa.
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy
to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming
to take me away, ha-haaa!!!
To the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haa!!!
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time...

(Napoleon XIV, They're Coming To Take Me Away)

Now if you'll pardon me, I have to go find my missing fetus...you know how it is with old people, you put things away and forget where you put them.

most of those sound like epilepsy tests. or alcoholism.

there's one of those for redheads too. we're supposed to be descended from aliens. admit it. you have red roots. don't be ashamed. you'll get thru it. with therapy.

Do you use heavy-duty tinfoil, or just regular? I have some left from Christmas baking...

does it mean that i've been abducted by aliens if i wish that my non-missing, teenage fetuses would move to ANOTHER PLANET??? WITH their fathers??

phuck, phuck, phuck, phuck, pshit.

sorry. guess i needed to VENT.

p.s. ALWAYS use heavy duty tinfoil. god FORBID you could get HOLES in your tinfoil hat ... VERY dangerous! this i know ...

I had to laugh at this. I used to be (key phrase here is used to be) terrified of aliens and UFOs when I was a kid. My second grade teacher read us a book that had a list of things to do if you encounter a UFO (hide in a cupboard was one).

This scared the hell out of me. I remember lying in the nurses' office for hours shaking and crying about how I didn't want to be abducted by aliens.

Hey, I was 7, gimme a break ;)

Sleep paralysis is very cool, except while it's actually happening to you - or such was my experience the one night it happened (and it HAD to be the night that I was ready to turn my back on the Church and asked for a sign from God that he was real). Hey, God, next time let's use a sign that isn't readily explainable by human biology - the come-to-Jesus effect will last a LOT longer!

No wonder my hat doesn't work. I've been using ALUMINUM foil! Anyone know where i can find tin foil?

Hiding in a cupboard just might work! At least it did in "Signs"...

how do i make my own tin foil hats???

alien abductions are real and the thought screen helmet is real. All of the case histories on stopabductions.com are real case histories, so is the photo of the alien. It is for real.

The thought screen helmet uses Velostat, not tin foil. You need to take a course in reading comprehension.

For more proof of alien abductions and information about the thought screen helmet, see Michael Menkin's new website, aliensandchildren.org

Michael Menkin
inventor of the thought screen helmet

me and my friends made aluminum foil hats in scince class and we were the joke of the week! it was so fun until we read this page and now we still don't care if we get abducted......we would like it! (give us a break....were 13 years old)