get your tin foil hats here!
Now, you may think that alien abduction is a funny subject, but not everyone does.
Several people wrote to me to say that my problems weren't related to sleep, but that I was being abducted by aliens during the night and used for experimentation. They were even kind enough to include links to studies on the subject.
Of course, I thought it was pure bullshit. I had a conversation with my mother about it.
Me: So, people have been saying that I don't sleep well because aliens kidnap me at night.
Mom: Oh, they aren't kidnapping you. They are trying to return you to your real parents.
Anyhow, of the 58 signs that you have been abducted by aliens, I can say yes to most of them, but with other explanations.
However, I've never had a missing fetus (#15), and "Have a fear that you must be very vigilant or you will be taken away by "someone.'"(#52) can be directly attributed to the Department of Homeland Security. As for #25 - Have had, at any time, blood or strangl stain on sheet or pillow, with no explanation of how it got there, if can say yes to that and #34 -Have awoken with soreness in your genitals which can not be explained - then my husband needs to stop watching porn before he goes to bed.
Perhaps I'll invest in one of Michael Menkin's Thought Screen Helmets just to play it safe. I mean, how can you argue with a testimonial like this:
“Since trying Michael Menkin’s Helmet, I have not been bothered by alien mind control. Now my thoughts are my own. I have achieved meaningful work and am contributing to society. My life is better than ever before. Thank you Michael for the work you are doing to save all humanity.”- Jon Locke, alien abductee
Well, John Locke, I think that by letting the aliens take you away to their super-secret planet and staying there would be a great contribution to society.
Shit, I'm out of tin foil.
(bonus mp3 and lyrics included in the MORE section!)
Radiohead "Subterranean Homesick Alien": listen
The breath of the morning
I keep forgetting
The smell of the warm summer air
I live in a town
Where you can't smell a thing
You watch your feet
For cracks in the pavement
Making home movies
For the folks back home
Of all these weird creatures
Who lock up their spirits
Drill holes in themselves
And live for their secrets
They're all uptight
I wish that they'd swoop down in a country lane
Late at night when I'm driving
Take me on board their beautiful ship
Show me the world as I'd love to see it
I'd tell all my friends
But they'd never believe
They'd think that I'd finally lost it completely
I'd show them the stars
And the meaning of life
They'd shut me away
But I'd be all right
I'm just uptight