Pledge Drive: For the Children
So I've been thinking about Andrew Sullivan's idea to have a pledge drive. It's a decent idea in theory, when you consider the fact that Sullivan has ten trillion readers a day. The odds for donations go up considerably when you have three times the readers as anyone else to draw from.
But I realized that Sullivan is missing one necessary component from his pledge drive. As witnessed on any public tv station, in order to get your viewers/readers to stay during a pledge drive, you must offer them something special, that they wouldn't get during any other time.
For some tv stations that's a Tony Bennet concert "live" from Vegas (actually recorded back in the day when Bennet was a pup of 75), or a chance to bid $500 on items you normally wouldn't pay $10 for, let alone want in the first place. Sullivan isn't offering concerts or auctions or even naked pictures of himself. He's really cutting himself off from potential donations by not upping the ante during pledge week.
Far be it from me to not cash in on this idea. I was thinking of doing a pledge week myself, asking you all to empty your wallets and credit card accounts and hell, your checking accounts too, so I can continue to do this during my working hours but at least have a little trust fund saved up for when I get fired.
So what can I offer for you reading/viewing pleasure during the pledge drive that Andrew Sullivan can't? Well, yes there's the tits. Been there done that, though. I do have other entertaining ideas:
1. Auction off my kids to the lowest bidder
2. Record myself singing Guns N Roses' November Rain and threaten to put it up as a background sound on the site if you don't pay up.
3. Give out stickers that say "Touch My SUV And I'll Break Your Fucking Head You Dimwit"
4. Have my mother wash my mouth out with soap on public access tv
5. Hold a live drinking contest with Juan Gato
6. Stay awake for the entire pledge week, blogging continuously, until I either make enough money to retire or die on cam.
7. Have my liberal friends guest-blog here for a week straight or until people donate enough money to get me to make them stop.
Of course, this being just a website, you are not a captive audience and therefore you can just hit the back button or take me off your link list and not bother with my pledge to do ridiculous things in exchange for money.
Which leads me to think that I should go with the tit flashing. No, I won't feel debased or demeaned by it. After all, it's For The Childrentm. They need more Yu Gi Oh! cards and American Idol swag.
Maybe I can find some naked pictures of Andrew Sullivan and threaten to post them here, blackmailing him into giving me any money he makes during his pledge drive. It's for the blogosphere, you know. It's for each of us who wants to make a difference and be part of big journalism and have our voices heard.
It's for the sheer joy of showing strangers my private body parts and making fun of my children in a public forum that they may someday come across.
Sorry, lost track of myself there.
Pledge week approaches. Get your Platinum American Express ready, because I don't come cheap.
(I do hope you realize that my tongue is planted firmly in my cheek. Not anywhere else).