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don't make me start telling fart jokes.

The sense of humor quotient around this place is seriously low.

Laugh. Hahah. It's good for you. Recognize humor or tongues planted firmly in cheek or sarcasm. Put the claws and fangs away for a few minutes, ok?

I promise, laughing doesn't hurt. It won't kill you. But 24-7 gravitas - that will.


Topical and (an attempt at) funny. For She Who Must Be Obeyed.

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guidedsurface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr.Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

suck my hole, yankee.

George Bush stabbed himself in the forehead, one morning, with tragic results. He immediately found himeslf in hell, where the devil was waiting for him.
"Dude," said the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, tho, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, and you can take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan, in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

At a small airfield in Montana, three passengers—an old ranch hand, a Crow Indian, and a young Arab exchange student—were waiting for their respective flights. They started talking to help pass the time.
The Indian said to the Arab, "My people were once numerous, but now we are few."
The Arab, a militant Islamist, said in response, "My people were once few, but now we are many. Why do you suppose that might be?"
The old cowboy spat out a stream of tobacco juice, leaned over, and quietly said, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."

A businessman gets in an elevator. A blonde inside greets him with a smile and says, "T.G.I.F!"
The businessman returns the smile and responds, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde, puzzled, smiles her biggest smile and repeats as sweetly as possible, "T.G.I.F!!"
The businseeman shoots back, with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde, frustrated, decides to explain things. "T.G.I.F. Thank Goodness It's Friday-- get it?"
The man grins. "Sorry Honey; It's Thursday."
Where's my laugh track?

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy, because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.

A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry, and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds.

Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first-sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert.

In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had a marvelous dinner. Now it was time to head back home to be sure to beat the sunrise.

As they started to walk away, they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang: "Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

Doctor James slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Jim, you're a vet..."