my god, what is that snowman doing?
Carnival of the Vanities #11 is right here.
It is December now, and each night of this month brings new and fascinating horrors of Christmas decorating. Tonight, I plan on driving through town with my camera, so you can witness these disasters first hand.
Unfortunately, I have fallen prey to the tacky decoration gods - though not of my own accord.
My uncle lives upstairs from me. Last year, we put him in charge of the Christmas decorations and he did a great job. A few strings of lights on the house, a few on the hedges and it was nice and pretty and understated. Just the way I like it.
Imagine my surprise when I got home from work the other day and the house was ablaze with a carnival of lights - red and blue on the the big hedges, green on the bushes and white icicle lights dripping from every corner of the gutters.
I might have been able to deal with all that if not for the one thing that was staring me in the face - something that breaks one of my own cardinal rules of decorating. There, on the lawn, was a ten foot, brightly lighted snowman. I nearly cried.
Old Frost was standing there smiling at me, his top hat vibrating from the motor that keeps him pumped and lit. He had one arm outstreched in a wave, and the other arm hanging limp by his side.
And then the wind came. A strong, fierce wind that caused Frosty's arm to sway and move. It gave the appearance that Frosty was ummm....polishing the icicle if you know what I mean.
So here I am, the self-professed Dictator of Decorating, the one who will hand out bitchslaps and ass kickings to anyone who dares to break the boundaries of good taste with their holiday decorating, and I have on my lawn the largest masturbating lighted snowman in the world.
Comments
I was going to say something about that when I saw it yesterday. David and D.J. thought I was crazy that a snowman was so funny... But then I thought I would let you slide, since it was Unc's doing. (and I might need a babysitter real soon).
Posted by: Jo-Anne | December 4, 2002 10:31 AM
"polishing the icicle" That's priceless!
Posted by: Joe McNally | December 4, 2002 10:48 AM
Ha! Ha, HA!
Now, I wonder who would be brave (stupid) enough to hand you the Obnoxious Lawn Decoration Summons and then give you a bitchslap upside the head? Not that I'm volunteering or anything.
My momma didn't raise no fool.
Posted by: GeekMan | December 4, 2002 11:04 AM
Me!! I'll do it!
Posted by: Jo-Anne | December 4, 2002 11:09 AM
I think its time for me to take a little drive to E.M. to check out the sights - I am not one to miss a masterbating snowman!
Posted by: Bon | December 4, 2002 11:16 AM
You hold her down, I'll bitch-slap her! PLEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!
Posted by: Lisa | December 4, 2002 11:26 AM
ha ha ha,
My neighbor has one of those monster showmen things on their lawn. Thank god his monster truck blocks it from my view.
Posted by: mike | December 4, 2002 11:40 AM
Easy girls - no sister fights during the holiday season. Save it for dinner at your moms house!
Posted by: Bon | December 4, 2002 11:44 AM
LOL
slap me baby, slap me!
Posted by: racheal | December 4, 2002 11:47 AM
Mommy . . . why'd you put the carrot THERE on the snowman? That's not where his nose is supposed to go! . . . Mommy, what does "protective services" mean?. . .
Posted by: nikita demosthenes | December 4, 2002 01:01 PM
I want pictures damnit!
Posted by: Elfchick | December 4, 2002 03:02 PM
Did you sing "I saw daddy humping santa clause"?
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