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my god, what is that snowman doing?

Carnival of the Vanities #11 is right here.

It is December now, and each night of this month brings new and fascinating horrors of Christmas decorating. Tonight, I plan on driving through town with my camera, so you can witness these disasters first hand.

Unfortunately, I have fallen prey to the tacky decoration gods - though not of my own accord.

My uncle lives upstairs from me. Last year, we put him in charge of the Christmas decorations and he did a great job. A few strings of lights on the house, a few on the hedges and it was nice and pretty and understated. Just the way I like it.

Imagine my surprise when I got home from work the other day and the house was ablaze with a carnival of lights - red and blue on the the big hedges, green on the bushes and white icicle lights dripping from every corner of the gutters.

I might have been able to deal with all that if not for the one thing that was staring me in the face - something that breaks one of my own cardinal rules of decorating. There, on the lawn, was a ten foot, brightly lighted snowman. I nearly cried.

Old Frost was standing there smiling at me, his top hat vibrating from the motor that keeps him pumped and lit. He had one arm outstreched in a wave, and the other arm hanging limp by his side.

And then the wind came. A strong, fierce wind that caused Frosty's arm to sway and move. It gave the appearance that Frosty was ummm....polishing the icicle if you know what I mean.

So here I am, the self-professed Dictator of Decorating, the one who will hand out bitchslaps and ass kickings to anyone who dares to break the boundaries of good taste with their holiday decorating, and I have on my lawn the largest masturbating lighted snowman in the world.

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Comments

I was going to say something about that when I saw it yesterday. David and D.J. thought I was crazy that a snowman was so funny... But then I thought I would let you slide, since it was Unc's doing. (and I might need a babysitter real soon).

"polishing the icicle" That's priceless!

Ha! Ha, HA!

Now, I wonder who would be brave (stupid) enough to hand you the Obnoxious Lawn Decoration Summons and then give you a bitchslap upside the head? Not that I'm volunteering or anything.

My momma didn't raise no fool.

Me!! I'll do it!

I think its time for me to take a little drive to E.M. to check out the sights - I am not one to miss a masterbating snowman!

You hold her down, I'll bitch-slap her! PLEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!

ha ha ha,
My neighbor has one of those monster showmen things on their lawn. Thank god his monster truck blocks it from my view.

Easy girls - no sister fights during the holiday season. Save it for dinner at your moms house!

LOL

slap me baby, slap me!

Mommy . . . why'd you put the carrot THERE on the snowman? That's not where his nose is supposed to go! . . . Mommy, what does "protective services" mean?. . .

I want pictures damnit!

Did you sing "I saw daddy humping santa clause"?