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dear bob, i'm glad you're dead.

Afterlife Telegrams:

With the help of terminally ill volunteers, our service is sending telegrams to people who have passed away.

If those tv hosts that talk to the dead just aren't enough for you, you can always seek out a dying person and have them take a message to the afterlife for a loved one.

For a fee of $10 per word (5 word minimum), a customer can have a telegram delivered to someone who has passed away. This is done with the help of terminally Ill volunteers who memorize the telegrams before passing away, and then deliver the telegrams after they have passed away. We call this an "afterlife telegram". Please take note of the following:

Since we can not guarantee delivery nor prove that a message has been delivered, our customers do not pay for "deliveries". They pay for "delivery attempts". What we do guarantee is the following:

1) The messengers have memorized their telegrams before passing on.
2) The messengers have promised to do what can be done to deliver their telegrams to the addressees after passing.

How would one guarentee delivery, anyhow?

From the FAQ:

What uses are there for "Afterlife Telegrams"?

Here are some reasons that someone might want to send a telegram to
someone who has passed on:

- Inform someone about a birth in the family.
- Apologize to someone they feel they have wronged while that person was alive.
- Invite someone to a seance that will take place at a certain time and place. (We sincerely doubt this will work, but it's your money.)
- Let someone know about an important event that they might have missed such as a wedding.
- Write things you regret not having said while they were alive.
- Let someone know that, after they passed away, you adopted their pets
and you are now taking care of them

Dear Aunt Beth,

Michael and I are getting married next week. As you are dead and cannot send a gift, would you mind if we went ahead and took that string of pearls that's still in your jewelry box?

Also, Michael says he is sorry for calling you a cheap old whore right before you died. He didn't mean it.

More from the Faq:

Here is a list of reasons why, despite our best efforts, your telegram might not get through:
- Reincarnation could cause a problem. By the time the telegram can reach the addressee, he could already be back on earth.

Isn't there a registration center up there somewhere? The messenger could go to the receptionts and ask where your fourth grade teacher is and she would pull out a file and say "Mr. Horowitz is now a turtle living in a cage in the Bronx. We'll forward the message to him."

- The addressee might have changed his name.

So much for trying to reach Jimmy Hoffa.

- Maybe people who die in Illinois are sent to a different section of the afterlife than people who die in Alaska. (As is the case in the interactive game called "Grim Fandango".)

You mean people from New Jersey get stuck with people from New Jersey all over again. You sure that isn't hell?

- It could be that the addressee is a ghost on earth or has moved to a different plane of existence and can't be reached.-

Or maybe the fact that they ignored you your whole life means they really don't want to talk to you when they're dead, either.

The addressee may have evolved into a higher state of being and can no longer communicate with the messenger.

I'm sorry, the party you are trying to reach is off dancing with 72 virgins right now.

Here is a list of reasons why sending a telegram may be entirely
unnecessary:
- -

It could also be that the addressee is now omnipotent and knows everything anyway.

That would be my grandmother. Hi, grandma!

- We can not rule out the possibility that there could be no afterlife at all.

But we'll take your hundred dollars on the offchance that there is.

From the FAQ for the messengers:

- On earth people are separated by political, economic and ideological
boundaries. For example it is safe to deliver a telegram to someone living in Canada but very dangerous to deliver a telegram to someone living in Iraq. It is possible that there are similar boundaries in the afterlife. While you are obligated to do what you can to deliver your telegrams, please use your best judgement as to the amount of risk you should take, without help, when traveling in the afterlife.

So much for heaven being a peaceful place. All you people waiting for blissful eternity, better pack your gas masks and smallpox vaccines.

More than likely there will be social, economic and informational
infrastructures available to you and we encourage you to use these when
possible. Keep in mind there might be rules in the afterlife regulating how and who you may contact. Do your best with what you have.

The white line is for loading and unloading of Afterlifegrams only. Double side of the street messenger vehicle parking is in effect for today.

I have a better idea. Just say what you have to say to people while they are still here. I mean, what's the point of waiting until it's too late to tell your sister she still owes you money for that Bay City Rollers album she broke back in the 70's?

Comments

ROFL!

Thanks. I needed to clean the keyboard anyway.

If I send one to Osama bin Laden and it gets returned, does this prove once and for all that he's alive?

Close that <em>! It's making everything go all pear shaped.

Back in July, I reported on the Time Travel Fund. For $10, they promise to come back from the future and get you the moment before you die.

(assuming they invent Time Travel years down the road)

Wow. And I thought people who gave John Edward money were stupid.

I'd take offense at the NJ joke, but then I remembered--hey, I moved out of NJ. I don't care.

i was with them until they got to the omnipotent part.

hi, uncle free! i'm so glad you're feeling better. we miss you! i'm glad you've gotten to know michele's gram. love to grama and grampa. see you eventually. hug!

This sounds a little dodgy to me- I am pretty sceptical about a lot of this afterlife stuff. When I have my regular weekly seance with Madame Zara tomorrow night, I will see if my dear departed Grandfather has seen any of these actually being delivered up there.

Well this is just fucking GREAT!

Here I am, looking forward to the day when I'll no longer have to deliberately ignore mail from people I don't give a shit about, and these miserable cretins come up with a way for them to continue to harass me in the friggin' AFTERLIFE???

I'm filing a fuckin' complaint!

I'm just thinking, some day I'll be dead, enjoying the bliss of my afterlife, and I'll get a message:

I am a relative of the King of a small town in Nigeria....

Sounds like a way to make money off people
on death row. Of course you'd have to be sending
messages to someone you're pretty sure is in Hell

Hi. I'm the webmaster of AfterlifeTelegrams.com
I don't mind at all that you are poking fun at my site. I'm just glad you guys have a sense of humor about it! You would not believe the amount of flamming my site gets. I've noticed that most people who are angry/offended/outraged by the site never bothered to read the FAQ page or anything else past the first quarter of the main page.

This string was very funny. Thanks for writing it,
- Paul Kinsella

PS - Be sure to see my other site:
"Stickman Murder Mystery Games" http://normandcompany.com/STICKMAN/

Nice blog