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post-traumatic blogging disorder

Do you suffer from a post-traumatic disorder?

James Taranto, in response to a Boston Globe article about 'post-traumatic slavery disorder', asked readers to come up with their own post-traumatic disorders.

Samples:

Paul Coates: PTPD, post-traumatic paradise disorder. My ancestors were thrown out of the Garden of Eden when Eve bit into the apple, at the prompting of the serpent, both of which were placed there by the Supreme Deity. The eons of suffering and pain that befell men and women can be directly linked to this event. Wars, famine, disease, drugs, Michael Bolton--every bit of suffering came from this. You might call it the "mother of all root causes."

Don Clevenger: Post-traumatic coliseum syndrome. You see I am a Christian and I can still feel the effects of my Christian ancestors that were horribly killed by lions and other wild beasts in the Roman coliseum during the first and second century. It seems I should be able to sue the Italian government and force them to redress these horrible wrongs of a mere 1900 years ago. I can't even visit a zoo or a circus without being overcome with anxiety! Its horrible.

Stuart Glasby: Post-traumatic chad disorder. The sight of a pregnant woman or someone with dimples causes viewer to curl up in a ball and repeat "Let every vote count!"

Perhaps anxiety wasn't my problem after all. I, too must suffer from some sort of PTD. I meditated over this and came up with a few:

Post-Traumatic Jets Disorder: When the Jets moved to New Jersey, I felt abandoned and let down. The fact that they moved to New Jersey in and of itself caused embarassment and shame. I'm suing the Jets for reparations to the tune of 1 million dollars.

Post Traumatic Costco Disorder: See here for details. I am going to hunt down and sue every person who ever hit me with their cart or caused me to break out in a fit of rage and ire when they tied up the aisles to get free food samples.

Post Traumatic Schumacher Disorder: Oh, the times I was forced to watch Joel Schumacher films! I see them in my sleep sometimes; The Wiz, Batman and Robin, D.C. Cab, Dying Young. If I even flash across one of these movies while flipping channels, my brain automatically shuts down in anticipation. I have been forced to miss family outings, concerts and baseball games all because a piece of Schumacher played for merely one second on my tv. He shall pay!

Post Traumatic Amy Fisher Disorder: I've been suffering from this, as have all Long Island women, since the day Amy Fisher tried to put a hole in Joey Buttafuoco's wife. Since that day, I cannot tell anyone I am from Long Island without them assuming I talk with an old-school Brooklyn accent and hang out in automotive shops. Whenever I mention I live on the island, people assume I'm a cheap date who puts out for married men and then tries to kill their wives. Do you know how hard it was for me to meet someone through the personals after my divorce? I still have to carry the gum-snapping, mall walking, Long Island Lolita shame of Amy Fisher every day.

It's hell being me.

Comments

PTCS (Post Traumatic Clinton Syndrom) suffered from 8 years of listening to that bastard saying he 'felt our fucking pain' and having the lamestream media fawn over him and his shrewish wife. I may never get over it.

Michele, this blog entry is quite a coincidence. I'm Cherokee and eventhough I grew up surrounded by Cherokee's and their tales, I didn't know that much about the Trail of Tears, so this past week I decided to check out some books from the local library and read the history of my ancestors. I'm appalled at the what the U.S. government did and all the freedoms and land that they took away from people who already had their own government, constitution, court system, education system, etc., just because of prejudice. Hitler had nothing on Andrew Jackson that's for sure. Anyway, I was joking around with my sister just this morning that after reading about the Trail of Tears this weekend, I feel as if I'm suffering from some sort of post tramatic stress and whenever a white man walks by I jump. I'm just kidding of course, but this post made me laugh.

Post Oliver Cromwell Syndrome: Oliver Cromwell terrorized my Irish ancestors centuries ago. He was the scourge of the Irish. Since then, all Irish people everywhere have been drowning their retro-active sorrows in Guinness. Because of Cromwell's lack of validation, I have no self-confidence in my Irish culture which has been psychologically shattering. I am suing Cromwell's ancestors for 5 million dollars.

Michelle, I lived in Massapequa from 1973 (born) until last March. Seven or eight years ago when Amy Fisher was all the rage, I started telling people I was from Conneticut.
Shame on that whole stupid situation. And shame on me. We fuckin' rule here on Long Island raises fist in air

And I'm not even Italian ;)

Post Traumatic Donovan McNabb syndrome - The Philadelphia Eagles paid Donovan McNabb $120,000,000 to be the quarterback to lead them to the Super Bowl. I'm suing him for 1 mil for breaking his ankle and causing mental distress, disappointment, and dashed hopes. (Eagles fans have suffered in silence long enough!)

I have post-traumatic ANS disorder from watching ANS on E! the other day. And if I have it from watching her on t.v., you must CERTAINLY have it from meeting her in person!

You forgot PTBD -- post traumatic Bobbit disorder. I know a lot of men who suffer from that one....

Sheila, if the disorder caused the Irish to be unable to drown "their retro- active sorrows in Guinness", then you'd really have cause to sue. (Yeah, I do like Guinness, why do you ask?)

I'm Scots, Irish, German and some sort of Native American...

Unfortunately, all my ancestors held a firm belief in instant karma so they settled their "Oppression Debts" before they died...

The Scots side were Kerrs, the champions of Jaime Stuart, who killed more than their share of Englishman before they came to America...

The Irish side were Molly Maguires and set a few mines in New Jersey to the torch...

The German side came over real early and took part in the Whiskey Rebellion, killing a few of Alexander Hamiltons revenue agents...

And the Amerind side were Native West Pensylvania folk who killed whatever white folks were dumb enough to try to steal their land without marrying their daughters...

Being a warrior is never having to say you're sorry...

But it also leaves your kids without a tort...

I have "Post-Traumatic Lived-in-Chicago-as-a-gun-owner-under-Richard-Daley" Syndrome.

It causes me to clean my guns compulsively, and fire off 1,000 rounds a week.

I demand reparations! That fucking Hoppe's #9 is 'spensive, Lucy... not to mention ammo at $10 a box.