santa gets blackmailed. again
santa gets blackmailed. again.
I'm long overdue for my annual letter to Santa.
First of all, thanks ever so much for fulfilling last year's wishes. NOT. I mean, those things were not too hard for a magical all-powerful guy like you to conjure up.
One year later, radio still sucks, bin Laden is still annoying the hell out of us and Ben Affleck is still making movies. That's three strikes, Santa. Although I did get that nifty Star Wars Lego set, that really doesn't make up for the fact that California has not fallen into the ocean yet. (To my California friends - that wish was under the stipulation that you all had time to escape).
So here we are a year later, and I still haven't used my blackmail card. I still have those pictures of you in a delicate position with Mrs. Frost, and still have the tape where Ralphie the Elf says "Santa, I don't want to play Priest and altar boy anymore!" So please, pay attention. Here is my 2002 Christmas list. You have until midnight, December 25, 2002 to comply with all these wishes or you will find yourself strapped to one of the missiles that is pointed at Iraq.
2002 Christmas List
- I would like all people who have no sense of humor or irony to suddenly lose their internet connections.
- I want to win Dodd's caption contest at least three times in the coming year.
- I want Helen Thomas to lose her voice permanently.
- Can you do something about Michael Jackson? A permanent bag over his head or something?
- Cause untold pain and suffering to this guy.
- Lobotomies for people who think the sky is falling, the world is ending, all women will be forced to wear veils and cameras will be implanted in your brain all because the Republicans are in control.
- Eric Lindros naked in my bed.
- A Woody Harrelson dart board
- A Michael Moore pinata (stolen blatantly from the comments at RWN)
- The head of Barbra Streisand on a platter
You know, Santa, I'm not anywhere near done yet. I still haven't gotten to the action figures and comic books and DVDs. Get those elves busy making my list come true, or Mrs. Santa is going to get quite a surprise under the tree this year, in the form of very revealing tape and pictures.
And while I'm at it, being that I am the most blood thirsty warblogger on the planet, and that should come with some power, I hereby command you to also give to my minions and readers whatever is they want for Christmas, also.