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santa gets blackmailed. again

santa gets blackmailed. again.

I'm long overdue for my annual letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

First of all, thanks ever so much for fulfilling last year's wishes. NOT. I mean, those things were not too hard for a magical all-powerful guy like you to conjure up.

One year later, radio still sucks, bin Laden is still annoying the hell out of us and Ben Affleck is still making movies. That's three strikes, Santa. Although I did get that nifty Star Wars Lego set, that really doesn't make up for the fact that California has not fallen into the ocean yet. (To my California friends - that wish was under the stipulation that you all had time to escape).

So here we are a year later, and I still haven't used my blackmail card. I still have those pictures of you in a delicate position with Mrs. Frost, and still have the tape where Ralphie the Elf says "Santa, I don't want to play Priest and altar boy anymore!" So please, pay attention. Here is my 2002 Christmas list. You have until midnight, December 25, 2002 to comply with all these wishes or you will find yourself strapped to one of the missiles that is pointed at Iraq.

2002 Christmas List

  • I would like all people who have no sense of humor or irony to suddenly lose their internet connections.
  • I want to win Dodd's caption contest at least three times in the coming year.
  • I want Helen Thomas to lose her voice permanently.
  • Can you do something about Michael Jackson? A permanent bag over his head or something?
  • Cause untold pain and suffering to this guy.
  • Lobotomies for people who think the sky is falling, the world is ending, all women will be forced to wear veils and cameras will be implanted in your brain all because the Republicans are in control.
  • Eric Lindros naked in my bed.
  • A Woody Harrelson dart board
  • A Michael Moore pinata (stolen blatantly from the comments at RWN)
  • The head of Barbra Streisand on a platter

You know, Santa, I'm not anywhere near done yet. I still haven't gotten to the action figures and comic books and DVDs. Get those elves busy making my list come true, or Mrs. Santa is going to get quite a surprise under the tree this year, in the form of very revealing tape and pictures.

And while I'm at it, being that I am the most blood thirsty warblogger on the planet, and that should come with some power, I hereby command you to also give to my minions and readers whatever is they want for Christmas, also.

Thank you.

Posted by on November 14, 2002 06:11 AM |

Comments

cool. i want peace on earth, good will toward men, angelic choirs singing about peace on earth, and i want John Lennon back.

ommmm....

Posted by: bran | November 14, 2002 08:40 AM

You seem to want to make horrible things happen to people who think differently than you. Why?

Posted by: Matt | November 14, 2002 09:21 AM

hmmmm....what a coincidence. I asked for Eric Lindros, too. But having forethought I added the stipulation that if Eric Lindros is otherwise occupied, I would accept Sergei Federov in his stead. Or Mike Richter, since he's got a bigger stick. Heh.

Posted by: that damned tart | November 14, 2002 09:25 AM

Lindros and not Farve? At least pick someone who is currently successful in their career. Why not Walter Mondale? He is overated and overhyped and currently about as good as a hockey player as Lindros. Sure he doesn't have the square jaw and all, but just turn out the lights.

Posted by: peat | November 14, 2002 09:48 AM

I hereby command you to also give to my minions and readers whatever is they want for Christmas, also.

Finally, I'm a land-owner, and it only took 24 years! I'll be plantin' soon.... And rabbits; gonna raise me some rabbits as big as your head! (Not your head, specifically, it's just a figure of speech.) :)

Posted by: Fredo | November 14, 2002 09:49 AM

I'd like a Christmas vacation on Bali.
So that I can go afterwards to wherever in Indonesia 'that guy' is being held and personally deliver your wanted gift of untold pain and suffering to him. (Though I suspect I may have to stand in line behind a few Aussies.)

Posted by: Kathy K | November 14, 2002 09:51 AM

I think I got Santa's response by mistake.

Posted by: Laurence Simon | November 14, 2002 11:23 AM

I could be mistaken, but off the top of my head I believe that to date you have entered the Caption Contest twice (possibly thrice) and won once - a much better record than most. :-P

Posted by: Dodd | November 14, 2002 12:25 PM

I could be mistaken, but off the top of my head I believe that to date you have entered the Caption Contest twice (possibly thrice) and won once - a much better record than most. :-P

Posted by: Dodd | November 14, 2002 12:28 PM

Lindros? Blech. We suspect he's gay -- he's still a momma's boy, y'know.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

Posted by: Scott | November 15, 2002 08:28 AM

Seems to me that the folks who believe the sky is going to fall have already lost all the brains they could afford to lose.
P.S. to Scott--my mother-in-law had a small bar mirror that said the same thing,on of her other daughters (not my wife) got it after her death--Damn!

Posted by: Gaty O'Brien | November 15, 2002 09:14 AM

HITING BELOW THE BELT DEPT.:
Barbra Streisands nose would fill a platter on its own, would you like both platters?
Sorry just couldn't resist

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