A Small Victory

Today's required reading: Here. Get past the first two paragraphs. It's nto about me, it's about Arthur. Leave him a comment.

how i got here

What follows is an interactive explanation and demonstration of how I got from there to here.

First things first. Some of my detractors have mentioned that I have become too angry, too volatile, too aggressive. The problem there is, I have always been all of the above. It's just when my vitriol wasn't directed at the far left or Democrats, or in the name of being called a blood-thirsty hawk, none of you seemed to mind it.

For instance, let's go back to last October:

If you have the balls to actually cross my property and touch my festive lawn decorations, I will slice your dick off with a razor blade and feed it to the rather large dog next door.

No one complained then that I was hostile.

And yes, from my liberal days: "Ashcroft and Cheney are egging us on while Bush tells us to calm down. Passive-aggresive leadership, anyone?"

Hate mail? Nope. Anyone telling me to stop saying bad things about Republicans? Nope.

"I just wish I could shake myself out of this fog of anger/hostility/sadness/fear that I've been living in. It's getting really crowded in here."

That's a year ago. Before I became this angry/hostile conservative monster I am today. Guess what? The sadness is gone, the fear is mostly gone. Sure, I'm still angry and hostile. Those are just two of my charming personality traits.

And by the way, I still feel the same way about this. It's not like my world views have done a complete 360. Or 180. Whichever one is the full circle. Leave me alone, I haven't had enough sleep or coffee.

I am not going to deny I was a pacifist and Bush hater. But I'm certainly not going to deny my right as a thinking, growing human being to change. Change starts small and gets big.

It was this post, this small, memorial post, that started changing things in a big way for me. And then here and the final lurch into the home stretch, when I admitted to myself I was not the pacifist I thought I was. It was knowing how the idea of laying in wait and trying to appease and mediate eventually broke the heart of my son.

And then the final nail in the coffin of my liberal days, written on September 12 of this year:

Is it weird that I feel some closure now? I think the spirits of September 11 stayed with me so long because while I was reliving the events of that day, I was also dreading the anniversary of it.

I watched a lot of tv yesterday, I read a lot of weblogs, I cried a whole bunch. And when I woke up today, I found a lot of the despair and anguish I had been feeling lately had left me.

Perhaps it was reading all of the stories, perhaps it was just getting another September 11 out of the way.

I'd like to say I'm looking towards the future now instead of the past, but I do believe our future includes some bombs over Bagdhad and then, a war. We do what we must to ensure that another day like September 11, 2001 never happens again.

I feel lighter today, I feel less distressed. I still feel angry, but that's just me. I think I live with a subtle anger always brewing inside of me. And that's ok; it's what keeps me thinking, writing, questioning and debating.

Now, I can move on to other subjects, like the dreamworld the U.N. lives in, and the bizzaro world the Green Party must exist in if they are seriously thinking of running super-moron Cynthia McKinney for president.

Let's get some facts straight. While I have been a registered Republican since 1980 (when I voted for John Anderson!), it doesn't mean I ever voted that way. And while I may have been a pacifist and tree-hugger at one point, it does not mean I ever embraced idiots like Moore and Chomsky.

I don't call myself anything although I did refer to myself as a "liberatarian conservative fuckhead opinionated jackass" on Stacy's blog today.

The thing is, I am finally home. I feel comfortable here. My views have not so much changed as I have. What's different about the 2001 me and the 2002 version is that I believe in myself now. I don't doubt my convictions, I don't lose sleep over my thoughts. All this thinking, all this writing, all this reading, it's lead me to here. And this is where I want to be. Take it or leave it. And if you leave it, you know what? It's your loss. Because I am a damned good friend. Politics, religion and baseball teams aside.

Now go vote for me as Most Blood Thirsty Warblogger or I'll rip your eyes out and feed them to Arafat.