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advice for the drunken hearted

advice for the drunken-hearted

Believe me when I tell you she's all about destruction.
It's just about enough to make a grown man cry.

If you want to get drunk enough to feel good, but have it wear off in a relatively short time, drink wine.

If you want to get piss-in-your-pants drunk and be praying to have it wear off five hours later, drink tequila.

If you want to be drunk enough to think that your hamster is a rat and that noise outside is not rain, but machine-gun fire, drink both wine and tequila.

If you are a notoriously bad drunk who can't hold a single glass of beer, let alone hard liquor and wine, don't drink at all.

Don't attempt to talk about politics after drinking any alcohol at all. Especially do not try to write about it. Delete is your friend.

However, if you are a bad drunk, yet the kind that loves all of humanity and says so with alarming frequency when under the influence, just go with it and send out emails to everyone you know telling them you not only love them, but would have wild monkey sex with them under the right circumstances.

I was going to take some naughty pictures of myself and post them up here to bribe people to vote for me, but Little Nicky is on and the sound of Adam Sandler's voice shriveled whatever momentum I had going.

I'm hoping that one of the more blood thirsty hawkish male bloggers will start posting naked pictures. It seems rather unfair that I'm the only one to disrobe for the public so far.

Shit, I don't remember who I sent those emails to. Was it you? What did I promise you?

I come fully loaded with an option to buy

I've got a stick shift disposition and a four wheel mind
I'll give you endless mileage and unlimited speed
Total satisfaction absolutely guaranteed

Turbo boost libido and passive restraints
And as of yet I haven't heard even a single complaint
I've got the tools of the trade and a fuel injected heart
Efficiency is beautiful, efficiency is art

Comments

I would post nekkid pix of myself but I want people to come back.

i got yer' mail baby. wink wink. oggle. grope, leer

Can I have a wild monkey sex e-mail? Remember, I have great tits.

That was some email. The answer is: No I haven't, but I'm willing to learn.

My father was Black, my mother was Decker
Believe me my friend, it doesn't get any better

Thanks for the pictures ;-D If you change your mind when you sober up I'll be happy to remove them from the site. Don't worry, the porn site that I sold those other pictures to promised that they'd pull them down if I ask them to. Your cut is in the mail.

But tell, me, what kind of plant is that? Didn't that hurt?

Girl, you've got approbation from Glenn Reynolds. Prepare for Instalanche!

Anyone who quotes Clutch lyrics rocks in my book.

Um, remind me once again who's the only guy in the Hoopty Rack browser to give The Full Amish?

Fear leads to Hate, but I know a better route.

Damn Adam Sandler, damn him to HELLLL!!!!

Goddamnit, Michele.

You said you were embarrassed to be associated with the Democratic Party as it displayed itself in all its pan-chromatic glory at the Wellstone orgy. I know itís unusual for a person to flip from one party to the next (and Iím not even a Republican myself), but Gezus, align yourself to the fact that your current views cannot be likened to those of the squishy, pathetic, I-wonít-defend-myself-because-Iím-a-coward, Peaceniks that now, unfortunately DEFINE your (and my grandmotherís) party. Deal already.

Franklin Rooseveltís gone. Dead. Buried. Forgotten.

Iíll vote R, if only because my chances of screwing up are less that way. But I like you. Iím an antagonistic asshole Defense Department worker who, frankly, LOVES the idea of designing naval machinery that will whupp-ass on the dickheads that Billy-Ray-Bob Clinton set loose on my friends.

Imagine my sense of anger and betrayal when I learned that 17 (what I consider to be) kids got killed by some fewkin primitives in Yemen. Jesus ChristÖ Paleolithic knuckle-draggers took some of my charges out. You obviously felt the pain when the very same shitheads drove planes full of women and kids into the WTC, and people, out of desperation, leapt.

Who enabled this? Iíll not say that the Republicans were (and ARE) blameless. Politics is as it is. But at least the Reps, generally, have some common sense about the reality of the threat.

The Democratic Party is now a sham. Theyíve revealed themselves to be the totally Clintonized, fellatio-seeking group of power-sluts that they are. Iíve been quietly thinking this for years, but your Party has really lost it this time. Perhaps emboldened by Albertís court battles, theyíve convinced themselves that rule of law is a fungible perspective to be utilized as a path to power.

I donít expect you to suddenly transform into Ann Coulter, but, considering your admirable bitchiness and grasp on reality, a strong break with Terry McAuliffe and his sleazy gutter-crawling minions might be expected.

From a seriously nasty, pro-life, pro-death-penalty (deal with the contradiction issues: innocent), assholish bastard conservative,

Ken Nichols

My mom was looking over my shoulder as I opened that email. Damn you. Now she thinks I'm straight. Poor woman.

Ken -- get a grip. I'm a card-carrying Democrat, and I've been ashamed of many things my party has done over the past few years. I'm a certified 100% American, and I'm mortified at many of the things my country has done over the past hundreds of years. But that doesn't mean I'm going to blindly accept that because I have these affiliations, I have to follow and support everything that these parties I belong to do, nor am I going to start changing affiliations or nationalities at the drop of a hat simply because I disagree with many of the things these parties do. I vote my opinions, not my party line.

I can't speak for Michele, but for me, being a Democrat is the lesser of many evils. It affords me the opportunity to vote in primaries -- something being an Independent does not do -- and I agree with more of the Democrats' platforms than the Republicans'. That definitely does not mean that I will follow the Democrats through the Gates of Hell whistling "Shiny Happy People" as I will and definitely have raised hell when I don't approve of something the party -- or my country -- is doing. It is my right and especially my responsibility to raise my voice and start screaming when the Democrats do something that I don't like. And Michele is doing the same. I suspect that she too, like me, is registered Democrat because she connects more with their platforms than she does with the Republicans, but that's just my theory.

You say that she should realize what a sham her party has turned into, given the Interngate and Wellstone-orgy affairs. I say that you should think about what kind of party puts a man who can't even form a coherent sentence on his own without a Teleprompter into the most powerful office in the world. The last Democratic president may have gotten a hummer in the White House, but our economy was a hell of a lot better and the world was a much more peaceful place during his tenure.

Oh, and Ken? Bitchiness does not equate with being a Republican. If that were the case, people would be switching parties every time they had a bad day.

To Ken: I am not a Republican. Nor am I a Democrat. Had you taken the time to read through here a bit, besides the one post you looked at, you would know that.

Well I am a Democrat who campaigned for Clinton and voted for him...twice. I'm also a Democrat who wrote my Republican Congressman, C. W. Bill Young, and asked him to please vote to investigate President Clinton on articles of impeachment. Just because my voting registration says "Democrat" does not mean my brain was checked at the door.

i'd like my wild monkey sex email, please.

Ditto what Tanya said...

Okay, okay, okay.

I was too far over the top, under the weather, or into the bottle. Michele, I have read more than the single post (I did spell your name right, after all). I even voted for you in the WarBlogger poll. But, having read what I have of your site... I, well, assumed.

My bad, I know.

Keith, you make several reasonable points, and I canít argue against the idea that a valid, major political party needs the voices of reason to grit their teeth and stay involved, if for no other reason then to prevent the nut-balls from driving the buss over the cliff. One point, though: you appear to put political affiliation on the same level as nationality. Yikes. I would hope that most political discourse, and the positions taken thereby, would be well within the confines of an assumption (yea, I know, Iím doing it again) of bedrock Americanism. Maybe I read your post wrong, or am nit-picking. Iíll re-read it.

So, Michele, I humbly prostrate myself in anticipation of whatever ritual beating the Flying Fists of Death require. It probably wonít be as bad as the hangover (I occasionally commit a drive-by rant when chemically ďenhanced.Ē) But donít make me quit smokingÖ that would be unwise (considering how much of a jerk I can be without jonesing for a smoke).

Regards,

Ken

Ken, the reason why I included nationality in my post is that recent nationalism feelings along the lines of "my country, right -- but not wrong, because if I say wrong, then people will vilify me for being anti-American" are similar to those I perceived from your post regarding "my party, right -- but not wrong." Especially after 9/11, there was a big outcry of support for our country and the president, and it seemed that anyone who had any problems with either and did not support them 110% was cordially invited to pack up and get the fuck out. (Myself included -- I posted a few things on my blog questioning our country's leadership and got a few e-mails telling me if I didn't like our president or support him to the fullest, maybe I should find another country to live in and another leader to support.)

I tend to think of my affiliations with many organizations and with my country as a marriage. I like these parties enough that I either made an effort to associate myself with them or I haven't done anything to change the affiliations I was born with (e.g.: nationality, religion), but just because we're married doesn't mean that I agree with everything they do and I don't just roll over and say "yes, dear." We fight, we have arguments, we disagree, we have differences of opinion. It's the nature of the beast. But out of everyone out there, I found these parties to be most to my liking, enough that I would associate myself with them.

And no, my analogy of being married to the Democratic party does not mean that I'll have sex with Bill Clinton.

Keith, it's not sex if he doesn't put it in you.