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chocolate covered gretchen

chocolate covered gretchen

It was a bad, bad night here in this household.

When you are on your way to becoming a parent, you envision nights playing board games and doing crafts and reading together. What you don't know is that you will probably have several nights like this one, when you fall off every wagon you were riding.

Several shots of tequila and a few cigarettes and bad words later, I'm sitting here in another reality where all kids are angels and kids eating donuts out of the garbage and peeing outside and defying your every word don't exist.

To top it all off, I have Iron Maiden's Run to the Hills on repeat in my brain.

A big hunk of crack is sounding awfully good right now.

Oh, and today, a crazed defendant bit off a court officer's ear in a court in Queens. Why don't these things ever happen in the court I work in? All I get is hancuffed prisoners banging their heads on the wall and screaming in the holding cell next to my office. Maybe I'll go taunt the next one that takes up residence there. I need more excitement than the neighborhood girls running into my house to tell my my nine year old just whipped out his penis and peed on a dead squirrel.

Good thing we have a therapy session tomorrow. I can almost hear the exchange now:

Dr.: And how do you think that made the squirrel feel when you pissed on him?
DJ: He was dead. He didn't feel a thing.
Dr.: I think it's crayon time.

Then DJ will draw a picture of Chris Pirillo and say that the devil talks through him on Tech TV and tells him to pee on dead rodents.

Oh wait, that was me. I dreamed that Chris Pirillo was the spokesperson for Satan. He turned into Oprah at one point and then Dawn Olsen, who was licking her lips laciviously. And then he turned back into Chris and told me to send his wife chocolates.

At least he didn't draw portraits of people in coffins on his bedroom floor.

I think it's time to go to bed.

Comments

HEY, David said that you said it was OK to take that donut out of the garbage!!

hee hee Yay chocolate. And fun blog posts involving gratuitous plugs!

Heh, I said "plugs"...

Just start worrying when Gretchen starts drawing pictures of chocolates in coffins on her floor.

"This means something......."

How about happy music. Right now I'm listening to The Tams "Be Young, Be Foolish, Be Happy"

It works wonders.

and when thinking about children, I'm reminded of the parenting style of Jeff Goldblum's character's dad in The Great White Hype: "Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and I'll give you something to cry about you little asshole."

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one that wants to run away from the kids! ;-)

I"m glad I'm not the only one who wants to eat chocolate off Gretchen.

Here, this will take your mind off.

well thank your lucky italian mobsters DJ didn't shit on the nine year old girls who dobbed him in. See, it can always get worse!

well thank your lucky italian mobsters DJ didn't shit on the nine year old girls who dobbed him in. See, it can always get worse!

or i could just post this twice.

at least it was dj peeing on dead squirrels in the yard, and not natalie.

at least it was dj peeing on dead squirrels in the yard, and not natalie.

um, i'm just trying to be like g.

whew. i'm not the only one with outside pee-ers. my question is, did he bring the dead squirrel inside after the incident?