We're falling apart at the seams.
The economy is tanking, the Democrats are self-imploding, war is coming, and Vince Neil and Emmanuel Lewis are living together.
We are living in a parody show. Or a bad sit-com or dramedy or whatever they call those shows that are part funny, part drama but usually end up being dramatically unfunny. In this week's episode, Sen. Torricelli drops out of his bid for re-election and hilarity ensues as Bill Clinton has one week to sell his digs in New York, move to New Jersey, establish himself as a resident there and put in his bid to take over Torricelli's spot.
Al Gore is self-destructing at an alarming rate. When I used to watch Small Wonder (and I only watched it so I could make fun of it), I would always wait for Vicki's tiny robot head to overload and then smoke would pour out of her ears and sparks would fly out of her eyes and her skull would pop off, showering her loving family with wires and conductors. It never quite happened that way, but I can see it happening to Al Gore. Just wait til he makes his state of the economy speech Wednesday night. Rumor has it he's wired to implode the first time he says lockbox. Rumor also has it that it's his own party that wishes Gore's head would just pop off in a cloud of smoke. That's one way to get rid of him.
I've been listening to conversations in grocery stores and 7-11's and the women's room at Chili's. Fights are breaking out over Iraq, and something's gone awry because party line has nothing to do with it. I know lefties who want to go to war rightnowthisveryminuteplease and I know righties who are ready to put flowers in their hair and buy Jefferson Airplane records and start throwing eggs at cops.
People are lining up in a world-wide game of Red Rover and when you hear your name called - red rover, red rover, I call Jimmy over! - it's no longer cut and dry about whether you want to go to the other side or stay with your friends. There's things to be said for the other side. On the other hand, there's things to be said for the side you're on right now, so you sort of hesitate somewhere in the middle and look back and forth at the hand-holding line-up waiting for you either way and then finally they all meet in the middle to pummel you for trying to be diplomatic.
And then I glance at my Yahoo! horoscope and it says:
Horoscope: You have had a strong propensity towards war lately, michele. Your drive towards getting things done has been rallied and you are anxious to make progress on certain aspects of your life. The problem is that you might have to hold back a bit today, since there is a great force at work that is encouraging to you to take a break from your current trajectory. It is time to slow down and make a plan instead of just plowing ahead blindly towards the unknown.
Which I translate as: Your penchant for war mongering and your desire to make everyone see your point of view will be sidetracked by crippling cramps and Darth Vader. Put your head down on your desk today at work and dream up a get-rich quick scheme instead of hoping that your government job doesn't disappear along with the country's economic stability.
I'm not good at making plans. Right now the only plan I have is to spend a lot of time watching the news and listening to talk radio and running down protesters.
Maybe I'll go see if there's room in that house with Lewis and Neil. I hear MC Hammer is going to be there and I want to ask him if I can borrow his Hammer-Time phrase for a while.