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saddam and arafat, together at last

saddam and arafat, together at last

I'm busy. Raising Hell is going to be relaunching with an amazing new look on Monday, and I'm trying to get that all ready to go. The Banned Books Project is rolling along. My kids have a lot of homework that I just don't understand. And Tanya, bless her heart, sent me the True Romance Special Edition DVD and checking out all the extras is sucking up a lot of time (note: director Tony Scott had to be on crack when he did the commentary). Bottom line: my brain is fried and I'm out of ideas except one. This is where you come in.

Let's play a game. Here's the scenario:

Saddam and Arafat have been exiled. Together. To combat their boredom, they bought some time on a public access channel and made a tv show.

Your job: Come up with a title and little blurb about the show. Funniest one gets a ten dollar Amazon gift certificate.

Comments

Harper Valley P.L.O. - Saddam and Yasser move into the quiet, sleepy town of Harper Valley and try to shake up the school curriculum by adding in spicy pro-Muslim teachings and a varsity suicide bombing team. Danny Bonaduce stars as the school principal.

theme music

Announcer: Live from Biloxi, Maine, it's the Saddam and Arafat Middle Eastern Late Night Extravaganza!

applause

Announcer: And now, hailing from Iraq, the man who hasn't taken a Baath lately, a regular guy with regular facial hair...Ladies and gents, welcome SADDAM HUSSEIN!

applause as Hussein jogs in a suit to take the stage. sits behind a large desk and waves a coffee cup joyously

Announcer: Thank you, President Hussein. And now, the man who wishes that he was hailing from Israel, a gentle soul with a heart full of PLO propaganda, allow me to introduce Yasser Arafat!

applause as Arafat jogs in a 70s runner wear. joins Hussein behind the desk and refreshes himself with a bottle of water

applause dies down

Arafat: coughing Whoo. That was a workout. turns to Hussein So, Saddam-baby, do you miss Iraq? You know, now that you don't live there anymore?

Hussein: laughs Miss it? Are you kidding? America is so great. Did you know that dictators get free beer after 9 on Friday's at McGinty's?

Arafat: After 9 on Fridays? That's Ladies Night."

Hussein: Ladies and Dictators Night, Ladies and Dictators Night.

Arafat: clears throat So tonight's special guest is very dead.

Hussein: Very, VERY dead.

Arafat: So dead he's smellin'.

Hussein: So dead he couldn't get it up one more time if he tried.

Arafat: So dead--

Hussein:*interrupts* All right. That's enough. Shut up. And now for the dead guy, Yitzhak Rabin.

cart wheeled out onto stage. cardboard box "coffin" on top. "Yitzhak Rabin" written on one side of it in sloppy handwriting

Hussein:*confused* That's it? That's Rabin?

Arafat:*hits Hussein with a machete* Yes. It is. Except without the coffin and the corpse.

Hussein: Oh.

Arafat:*hugs the box* I miss you, buddy. pulls out Nobel Peace Prize and rubs it on the box Can you feel that? We all worked real hard for it.

audience lets out an "awwww"

Hussein:*throws machete at the box, piercing it* I thought that we had an agreement. You said that you wouldn't fondle Rabin if I promised that I wouldn't drink any more oil cocktails.

Arafat:*mumbles to box* What a sweet, sweet Prime Minister. pause NOW BECOME ALIVE AND GIVE ME BACK MY DAMN COUNTRY, YOU PACIFIST BASTARD! shakes box violently

audience riots. box falls on Arafat with a loud thud. silence

Hussein:*kicks Arafat, who doesn't move* And that is all the time we have for today. Announcer?

Announcer: Today's audience members will receive an autographed third world country of their choice, a jar of Nutella, and a piece of Yitzhak Rabin. theme music Until next time, I'm Rod Roddy. You have been watching the Saddam and Arafat Middle Eastern Late Night Extravaganza!

show ends

morality commercial

'It's 3am, all 200 cable channels are showing infommercials, you're depressed...

In fact you're probably scanning for partly scrambled porn on Showtime with your hand subtlely slipped down your jeans right now...

You leave for work in four hours...

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED RIGHT NOW?

THAT'S RIGHT, ANOTHER FASCINATING INFOMMERCIAL...

Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Jeez, man, I'm quite happy keeping up the pretense of being happy without chiselled abs, my spouse has agreed not to bring up the love handles on the condition that i let the milkman 'turn up' a few extra times a week, and I live too high up to give a shit about gardening. What possible interest could I have in an infommercial?'

Well, here's the scoop, fella. You ain't sold till you've heard it from the best. You've passed over brooches from Kathie Lee, Ornamental clocks from Lori Loughlin and some rainforest shit from Susan Sarandon. Course, you cant say no to an Middle-Eastern dictator, can you?

Yes, that's right, we've got Saddamn Hussain and Yasser Arafat on board for this one, and they were so impressed that, not only are they willing to put their names to this stuff, but they've also employed the power of the 'enslaved Middle-eastern masses' in an effort to sell it...

Whoa yeah. Man, you'll be helpless to resist when faced with the sheer charisma of these guys. They've convinced their respective populations to part with their property, their freedom, and even their right to live without fear, so they're more than capable of separating you from $23.95 for a 'dancing mallard' toilet roll holder. Wanna try your luck? Resistance is useless...

And, that's not all. Each purchase comes with a free bottle of Evian, cos, hey, you never know what's in that US drinking water, man (wink, wink)...

Of course, this is America. We know the score. Some of you are sitting at home right now, on your comfortable capitalist couches, warm in your affluent heated apartments, powered with oil stolen from our great nation, and built on the oppression of our people, who lie unavenged, CRUSHED IN THE GAPING FOOTPRINTS OF THE SAVAGE AMERICAN ELEPHANT. (ahem). And, yes, you peer down your smug, cynical little noses at us, and coldly say 'I will not be conquered by this primitive sales pitch. I will retain the freedom of me home from chintz'.

Well, fine. Be like that.

But, humour me, look out of the window. Yes, that's right. You see that van out there? (chuckle)

Yes, while you've been mocking us with your cynicism, we've triangulated your location, and the brave, heroic remnants of our great nations finest forces are, as we speak, massed in your foyer, waiting to inflict unspeakable torture upon you, until you consent to the purchase of unlimited amounts of mackerel-shaped upright vases and unsafe motorised office stationary. We will be victorious. You see those pliers in the hand of the lead guy. They aren't for pedicures, American scum. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh yeah, and if you wouldn't mind buzzing us in too. It's just that your landlady's being a complete bitch about us standing around like this, and we can't just pick the lock, cos the UN confiscated all our hairclips, bra underwires and all other thin metal wires in the '95 arms inspections. Very embarassing...

Um, thanks. We'll be up in a second. Remember, this offer won't last for ever. Our operators are standing by...'

(And to think I passed up on "Gaza City Limits")

Ah, I watched that DVD just a few nights ago...Special Edition? Now I'm jealous. If you have a DVD on your computer, get the PowerDVD software...while you are watching, you can press 'c' and the player will grab a screen capture and save it to your desktop. I must have taken at least 50 or 60 the other day, with all different action shots from that movie, as well as a real good one of Gary Oldman being slammed into those fish tanks.

AUTHOR: Nicole
EMAIL: nicole@(nospam)hatzigeorgiou.com
IP: 211.28.96.7
URL: http://www.hatzigeorgiou.com/mt
DATE: 09/27/2002 08:30:21 AM

He's From Mars, I'm from Venus.

Saddam and Arafat take calls and viewer questions as they explain how to make your relationship really sizzle.

are you in love with patricia arquette now too? i'm sorry, i'm too braindead to come up with a catchy show... mohammed in the middle?

Temptation Island

Join us as we try to figure out who will seduce whom....

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