A Small Victory

It's Banned Books Week

how to ensure a road rage incident

My car registration is up for renewal. I have to turn in my plates because New York is fickle and once again they have come up with a new design. Just when I was able to commit my license plate number to memory, too.

I'm thinking about getting one of those vanity plates. Something special, something that says me, something that sends a message to those driving behind me.

Too bad you can only have up to eight letters because I came up with the following:

STOPTAILGATINGME
USEYOURTURNSIGNALASSHOLE
TURNYOURBASSDOWN
YOURAZTEKISUGLY

Then I thought I should send some kind of political message. I couldn't come up with anything that wouldn't get my car keyed or otherwise vandalized in the middle of the night.

Oh...wait. How about OILISBLOOD? Then when those dumbass destructivists (that's my term for destructive activists) kids come around to plaster my SUV with their assinine bumper stickers, they would get all confused. She drives and SUV and she thinks oil is blood?? Their tiny little heads would explode from thinking about the contradiction there.

Then I thought I would get RUMSFELDISTHEANTICHRIST just to see if the FBI comes knocking on my door.

If I really wanted to piss people off I would get this plate and have the word "SUCK" next to the logo.

Obviously none of the above are real options. I want something that will make people fear me, make them get out of my lane and leave me alone. I want something that will keep truck drivers from cutting me off and old people from going 10 miles an hour in front of me. IWILLEATYOURSOUL is too long. IAMTHEUNDEAD is also too long and people might mistake me for a goth and try to sell me Bauhaus tickets or something.

I think I'll just settle for BRAAAINS, unless you can come up with something better.

I really need to stop watching zombie movies.