A Small Victory: want to buy a bridge?

want to buy a bridge?

I happen to be both a cynic and a skeptic. Basically, I believe nothing, refute everything and seriously doubt the motives of anyone.

Sometimes these traits play off of one another, and I end up debating both sides of an issue. Sure, I've heard the rumors about Flight 93. No, I don't think the plane was shot down. I don't care what the timing on the black box shows, or what "evidence" you have to support your theory, I just don't buy into the cover-up angle. On other other hand, the cynic in me casts doubt upon the stories of heroism. I think, for the most part, they are greatly exaggerated.

I've heard the conspiracy theories about the Pentagon plane. It is my job as a skeptic to refute your conspiracy theories, but it is also my job as a cynic to cast doubt upon the people who are refuting the theories that I've just refuted. You following me here?

If you send me one of those twenty-times-forwarded emails regarding the woman who grew an appendage out of her head due to aspertame use; the dying kid in Botswana who is collecting pull-tops from soda cans/the nice fellow in Nigeria who wants my social security number/a warning about looking in the back seat of my car for men brandishing ice picks, you are going to get a reply from me. And that reply will only be a link to Snopes. Sometimes, if the theory or miracle cure or heart-wrenching tale of woe you send me catches me at the right time, I will debunk your entire email line by line, including links, citations and graphs if necessary.

I wonder what kind of people fall for these scams and lies and scare tactics. Who would really send their credit card number to a stranger in another country? Is it the same people who believe that Iraq does not have nuclear weapons or Scott Ritter is a patriot or the Red Sox will win the world series or a plane did not crash into the Pentagon? Maybe the same people who believe every word that come's out of their favorite politician's mouth? The same people who believe that we can exist without cars?

People believe what they want to. I've just taken it on as my mission in life to prove to every gullible, naive person out there that the world is full of liars and cheats and fakes, and you should believe nothing until you have solid, undisputed, documented proof of the stories you are being told.

You will not be the next big winner, your cereal box will always say "please try again," your friend's cousin's neighbor did not hear two school kids say "stay away from the city on 9/11," and Jimmy Hoffa is not buried under your seat at Giants Stadium.

Please stop forwarding me your pyramid schemes and conspiracy theories. Please stop telling me that my coffee will make antennas grow out of my head in ten years. You are an adult, please stop believing in the concepts of Santa Claus and peace on earth. Or at least stop telling me about them.

ed note: It's also fun to debunk the debunkers.

Comments

The only things I am skeptical about is whether or not Ronnie Reagan was actually a 3-D hologram and if one can really dig a hole to China...

Posted by: btezra | September 18, 2002 08:10 AM

amen.

ya-a-a-a-a-a-wn. ooops, i'm not yawning at YOU... i'm just trying to convince my body to be awake and moving..., away from this computer... hrmmm.

Posted by: ratty | September 18, 2002 08:18 AM

but that one that says my boobs will grow to twice their original size if i..., well, THAT one's true..., isn't it??

oh pshit.

Posted by: ratty | September 18, 2002 08:20 AM

so you explain to me rationally the success of Wesley Snipes, huh?

Posted by: g | September 18, 2002 08:30 AM

Wesley Snipes, hell. Who can explain the "acting" of Adam Sandler? Now see, that's a right-wing conspiracy.

Posted by: shelley | September 18, 2002 08:55 AM

i worked with a woman who loved to forward all that crap to me and a bunch of other people. my typical reply was to either hit up snopes or the urban legend page at about.com and do a reply all w/ the link.

she never learned though, to keep me off the list... shrug

Posted by: vicki | September 18, 2002 09:00 AM

What about Pauly Shore and Tom Green? They must be part of some giant conspiracy.

And don't say a bad word about Blade or Blade 2 or I will start banning IPs.

Posted by: michele | September 18, 2002 09:09 AM

As someone said on the radio the other day, if passengers of flight 93 brought it down, it saved lives; if it was shot down by a fighter, it saved lives. Either way, everyone onboard was already dead.

Don't blame the right for Adam Sandler, Shelley. That's unfair and I think you owe everyone an apology.

Posted by: Mike | September 18, 2002 09:18 AM

Oh yes Tom Green. There is definitely a conspiracy or some soul selling or something that is keeping that man in movies.

Posted by: Michelle | September 18, 2002 09:29 AM

my grandmother was ALL up to date with the apocalyptic earthchange prophecies (vis Little Baby Jesus Himself).

"A Tsunami is going to hit the West coast next week," she would report gleefully, at 4:30 am in the morning, to me on the phone.

which is where i lived at the time.

we're still here. people are still stupid.

Posted by: jennie | September 18, 2002 09:32 AM

three thoughts:

1. Start with your mother and her forwards.
2. Jimmy Hoffa is not under the seats at Giants Stadium. He's in the concrete foundation. duh.
3. To paraphrase Ron Reagan, "Trust, but verify".

Posted by: Lisa | September 18, 2002 09:32 AM

if the Earth is really round, why do we weigh (roughly) the same at the poles as on the equator, where we should logically be lighter due to centrifugal force from us allegedly "spinning around" so fast?

Posted by: miguel | September 18, 2002 09:45 AM

Well, yeah, but... What about the one I got today about "Get the Best Deal EVER on your New or Used Car!"? Do you mean I won't get the best deal EVER from them?? And what about the one that says "No computer is COMPLETE without this program"? Is my computer really COMPLETE without it? And how about the one that says "Teen Babes and Monkey Love!"? Are you telling me there are no monkeys?!?!?!

Posted by: Kim | September 18, 2002 10:06 AM

The monkeys are real. The teens are really 40 year old women who get daily Botox shots.

Posted by: michele | September 18, 2002 10:08 AM

see i was with lisa until she paraphrased reagan, and then i just got caught up thinking about whetther i should trust someone who quoted ronald reagan in terms of who i should trust, and whether i could ever trust that she was paraphrasing him...

my head hurts.

Posted by: g | September 18, 2002 10:15 AM

Oh God, I hate all those stupid emails...missing children, chain letters, "warnings"...please. Three people constantly send me that crap. I either delete them without reading them or send them a link to Snopes. But they never learn even when I'm really mean about it. Some people are just gullible dipshits.

Posted by: Kel | September 18, 2002 11:04 AM

Anyone getting the Japanese spam lately? Long letters that end with a link I'm afraid to click on . . . but it's in kanji!

Posted by: Scott | September 18, 2002 11:27 AM

g, you don't have to like the man to agree with that paraphrase. it just so happens to be a valid point.

Posted by: Lisa | September 18, 2002 11:31 AM

it's probably the fault of the Stonecutters that we still have Tom Green and Adam Sandler... i mean, they made Steve Guttenberg a star, right?

and yeah, i'm sick of all those scam emails i get all the time. but i swear, this penis lengthener and fake viagra i got work great!

Posted by: mikey | September 18, 2002 11:39 AM

who is Ed and why do you let him write notes at the end of your posts? Is he your boyfriend?

Posted by: hoopty | September 18, 2002 12:49 PM

Ed is the guy who supplies my tin foil hats.

Posted by: michele | September 18, 2002 12:54 PM

btezra- you can in fact dig a whole to China, but a child must truly loathe his or her family enough to feel the kind of passion it takes to accomplish such a task.

Posted by: melly | September 18, 2002 05:59 PM

I thought Jimmy Hoffa was in the outfield there in what used to be Secaucus. (Told you I was old and grew up in the northeast. For two summers I commuted via the Weary Erie to a job in New York--cutting through the Fulton Fish Market on my way to work. And Secaucus stank on humid mornings and the trains didn't have AC. It was also known as PigTown.)

Posted by: sue | September 18, 2002 06:59 PM

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?

Posted by: John Anderson | September 18, 2002 09:13 PM

The Red Sox are going to win the World Series???

Posted by: Jack Cluth | September 18, 2002 09:17 PM

John: So I guess alien sex is out of the question?

Jack: You are not that gullible, are you?

Posted by: michele | September 18, 2002 09:18 PM

John, there are Interstate Highways (3) in Hawaii for the same reason there are highways anywhere; federal money was available to build them between military bases (which was the ostensible reason Ike used for establishing the Interstates in the first place; to move tanks and APCs around). In Hawaii, however, the primary E-W one is more accurately described as a parking lot 15 miles long.

Posted by: Linkmeister | September 18, 2002 09:41 PM

geez, I thought everyone knew Hoffa was buried in the Silverdome, not Giants Stadium. Darn New Yorkers wanna steal everything.

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