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target is hell

Target is hell and all the shoppers are little devils

For a person who loathes shopping, I sure have done my share this past week. School clothes, school supplies, tourist-type shopping, spending our small cache of wedding money on video games and comic books and toys - we hit every mall, every strip mall, every free standing store in ten different towns the past few days.

I thought I hit the wall on Saturday when we went to the smarmy, uppity Roosevelt Field Mall. I nearly killed at least three different people, and had to be physically restrained from driving my foot up the ass of another.

But no, I take on more than I can handle, as usual. I lost it in Target today.

As much as I hate to say it, it's women shoppers that drive me crazy. Not just any women shoppers, but upper middle class suburban moms who think that the world belongs to them and their children and anyone else in it is an annoyance.

The back-to-school aisles at Target were teeming with moms and dads and kiddies all frantically trying to do last minute shopping. Everyone had a list, everyone was cursing one thing or another on the list that they just couldn't find. A ruler. I wanted a simple, 12 inch ruler and there wasn't one to be had.

Mrs. BitchMom wanted a ruler, too. She also wanted crayons, markers and loose leaf paper, all of which (besides the ruler) were within five feet of her, clearly marked. Instead of getting them herself, she held the list out to the poor kid in the red vest and asked which of those items they had in stock. He pointed to the bins full of crayons, markers and loose leaf paper. She said Well, can you just get them for me while I look for a bra for my daughter? The dude blinked his eyes in surprise. And, much to his credit, he said no, he couldn't. As he walked away, Mrs. BitchMom turned to me and said "well then what the hell do those lazy asses do to earn their minimum wage, anyhow?" I looked at the floor, where she had dumped out an entire box of erasers looking for that one elusive purple eraser that her daughter had to have. "They clean up the messes that customers leave," I said, and walked away.

I run into her again later in the backpack aisle. Her son is standing up in the cart and jumping up and down while BitchMom says in a bored voice, "Danny, no. Danny, sit down. Danny, stop." Danny doesn't stop. Danny falls down and goes boom. Danny hits head on the side of the cart. He begins to wail and mommy reaches down and hugs her little pumpkin, because the bad, bad cart was so mean to him to treat him like that. She actually hit the cart and said those words - bad, bad, cart! Danny, who couldn't have been more than five, looked up at his mom and said "you should sue the fucking idiots who made this cart!" BitchMom giggled.

Daughter Bitch, who was about twelve, came running down the aisle, slamming into my cart with hers as she did. "Could you like, move?" she said to me in that teenage girl smart ass way. "Like um, no," I said in that way I answer my own daughter when she is being sarcastic.

(Let me interject to say I have quit smoking again. Yea, it had only been about twelve hours or so at that point, but if you ever quit smoking I'm sure you know what my mood was like, given the absolute need to have nicotine in my system plus my frayed nerves from having dealt with assholes in malls all week.)

So, the daughter moves her cart back, back, back, back all the way to the end of the aisle until she can't go any more and she backs into a display of notebooks. About forty books fall to the floor, scattering all over the aisle. The daughter, amazingly, bends down to start picking up the books. BitchMom grabs the daughter by her shoulders and says "Don't do that. that's what the help is for." Mom and daughter and son strut away, kicking fallen books to the side as they go.

There was smoke coming out of my ears at this point. I wanted to stab her. I wanted to slice and dice her. I wanted to pull every piece of her hair out and tear off her head and shit down her neck. I wanted to hurt her so very, very badly.

I took a deep breath and followed behind her, watching her ass shake back and forth, a size sixteen behind in a size six pair of low rise jeans. I walked. She shook. The love handles she had collected since she probably used to be a size six blubbered up and down and up and down as she walked, her midriff t-shirt not nearly long enough to cover the fatty deposits on her hips. I mean, I'm no size six either, but at least I don't dress like I think I am.

Anyhow, I followed her to the registers and lost her when we got on different lines. I did hear angelic little Danny cry for some gum and call his mother a bastard when he didn't get it.

We checked out at the same time. We headed for the door, side by side and I had to fight the urge to start ramming her cart with mine and challenging her to a battle right there in the entrance to the store. And then I took a deep breath. And I was going to leave it all alone. That is, until my car accidently (I swear) caught on hers as we were trying to get out the door. "Can you watch where the fuck you are going, idiot?" she says to me.

I stop. I stare. I could do a million things here, but they would all end up with me calling a bail bondsman. I could say a million things, but most of them would probably go right over her head. So I say the only thing I could think of that would most likely make her cry herself to sleep tonight:

"You really should not wear that outfit in public. You look totally fat."

The look on her face was better than any satisfaction a cigarette could have given me.

*I would like to end this by saying that I am not going shopping again for a long time, but sadly, I am addicted to Target and will probably be back there tomorrow. Maybe I'll bring a stun gun.

Comments

That remark/parting shot earns you a free pack of Nicorette gum. ;)

That remark/parting shot earns you a free pack of Nicorette gum. ;)

oh, you rock. i would've punched her, and not gotten the satisfaction of that comment. the trick to avoiding the assholes at target is being there when they open. painful, but worth it. it's like post-apocalypse. tumbleweeds rolling thru the aisles. beautiful.

you mean you didn't even add the word "bitch" to the end of that response?? wow. i surely would've liked to...

HAHAHAHAHAHA..

Yes, there are far too many bitchmoms and daughter bitches and angelic little sons in the world.

She deserved it. Too bad you couldn't give her more of a reality check, but alas, you are but one human being with tact. Rock on, Michele.

What a tool. You should have laid the smackdown and charged pay-per-view to watch it.

Perfect! May I go shopping with you sometime, and if so, how much would it cost me? (entertainment like that isn't cheap, I know)

Good for you. I can't stand when people don't control their kids and what an example she gives to them.

I am SO glad I read your post! It's the first time I've laughed today (which has been a totally rotten day and there is no one around to call a fat slob.)

bwhahahaha! that is so true and funny. i do the same thing. instead of screaming, i always say something mean and hurtful that leaves them stunned. good for you for not smacking her around. =)

Michele, you kick ass.

hahhahaha! yes! kudos to you!

Oh man I can not say nicer things about Zyban.. I just forgot to smoke on like day 10.. no bitching now witdrawl..it is SOO cool. Yea ok it has a few wierd side effects like ringing ears, but it has been a week and I am loveing it.

ok, I'm a fat chick, and I don't appreciate fat people being made fun of. BUT! She was a total bitch, over the top, a crappy mom, a snob, far too convinced of her priveleged-ness, and not fit to be called human. All of which overrides any need for sensitivity.

There's a whole town of people like that out here; it's called Walnut Creek.

I too admire your comeback superiority. I'dve called her a bitch and gotten into it with her back when she said that "minimum wage" shit. You're a far better person than me.

Retail workers around the world thank you. BitchMom is a classic example of why I think everyone should have to work retail during the Christmas season at least once in their lives. I smile to think of the karmic kickbacks heading her way. She should start saving up for Danny's bail fund now.

That just totally rocks!!! ROFLMAO! Damn, I wish I could think that fast.

Nancy, I have worked retail during Christmas, many times. Perhaps that's why I was so sensitive to her treatment of the worker.

shots below the belt are usually the most effective.

Way to go.....I really don't think you could've done anything better!
Put that cunt right in her place!
I know exactly the kind of bitch mom you're talkin about. I see them every day, crawling everywhere. Sucking the life from everything to fill their pathetic needs. Bee-bop, nice hair, nice car, nice house, and all they can fuckin do all day is shop.
These are the kind of people that wouldn't give a NORMAL person the time of day.
You are a hero to all of us!

By the way.....keep up the no-smoking. =)
I just quit myself, two weeks ago, and holdin strong.

I think your point would have been made much clearer had you grabbed your breasts and pretended to milk yourself. But that's just me. That's just me in my little world.

you could not have said that any better. i also had a crap day and that almost made me pee my pants. good work!

Ick. The line alone about suing the cart shows what kind of irresponsible world that kid is going to grow up in. Ick ick ick. I can only hope he was truly precocious and capable of realizing the irony of his statement.

As for you, I think you showed great restraint. And that parting line was great.

You are the woman I hope one day to become after intense training. God bless you.

that was much more effective than punching her lights out.

you are my hero.

Sarcasm has much more effect than returning insults. You're right, that she probably thought about your insult for hours.

oooh. got to remember this one! effective.

Best laugh I've had all week! You certainly told her!

For goodness sakes! Shop for school supplies earlier!

But..that was a good comeback to her, and well deserved.

Yeah, I too am surprised there wasn't WW3 at Target. But I wish you had a camera with you to capture the look on her face when you told her she looked fat. Ha ha. Sometimes stuff like that hurts worse and you know she was so expecting you to start. It's what she really wanted.

I think all the times I kept my mouth shut when I've been angry at people have just been justified.
You're the voice in my head.

The right choice of words at the right moment are more powerful than any physical beat-down and have the visceral slicing precision of a surgical scapel. She will feel that wound for a long, long time...and deservedly so. Hats off to you for a huge point score!!

p.s. people (and I use that term VERY loosely) like said bitch and her evil satan's spawn make me dream of such a thing as mandatory sterilization of dumb-ass, annoying, fingernails on a chalkboard, imbeciles before they reach reproductive age. It would be a great service to humanity and the entire planet.

Wonderfully executed, in every way! Sorry to hear you won't be shopping for a while, cuz I'd love to hear a sequel. ;) Loved it, loved it.

What is it about shopping with the same people or group of people the entire time we're in a store? Is there some sort of universal law about this?

"You are hereby assigned to BitchShopperFromHell for this shopping trip and you will see her on every other aisle and when you check out. Make the best of it."

I'm always amazed at how certain people are "with me" through out a trip to the store. Okay, so I'm easily amused.

I'm also horrified at the behavior that woman and her children showed! Damn!! And.... cracking up at you giving her hell.

she is the same woman who attempts to drives a house on wheels ford expedition, and then gives the finger and dirty looks when she turns too wide and can't get through, or screams at you and rides your tail when the 15 miles over the speedlimit you are doing in the right lane isn't enough for her.

also, i always think the same thing anne does about the forced sterilization when i encounter people like that...

Hmm - I HATE people like that, especially when they are mothers! What damage it does to the little ones who begin to copy all their parents attitudes and behavior!! It absolutely makes me sick! School just started here in California, and I'm looking forward to yet another year of my daughter, (age 12), coming home from school with a variety of new teenage phrases, along with the latest greatest sarcastic comments that she has learned from her peers, who learn their smart ass ways in the home, and bring it to school to teach their poison to my daughter. It just blows me away to see what a negative effect bad parenting has on our society as a whole! IT'S VERY VERY SAD! I have so much more to say - but let me close by saying that I think you handled the situation in a much more civilized way than I woud have. I would have REALLLLY let her have it with both barrels! She would have REALLY left there crying! I would have told her what a crappy mother she was and how the way her kids act is ALL her fault and that she should have learned to be an adult before she had children of her own, etc,...etc... God bless you and your family and GOOD LUCK with this school year! Peace, Love, and Light !!!!!

LOVED your answer. You totally handled this situation very well. BTW, I found your site by following an AOL search that someone else had used to find my site.