Sometimes I plan the night before what I will write here in the morning. It depends what my pressing issue of the day was. Politics, religion, parenting issues, action figure meetings.
Sometimes I don't know what I'm going to write about and I cruise around the news sites and other blogs until something catches my eye or makes me angry enough to want to spew here.
And sometimes, I just write, in a journal sort of way. I just type the first sentence and the rest flows out and before I know it I've written an unplanned monologue about everything and nothing at all.
Today was one of those days where whatever I had on my mind last night disappeared in between the dreams about Vin Diesel abducting my kids and a courthouse drama where I was maintaining my innoncence in cheating on a driver's test.
An hour ago, I sat in the computer chair, fingers poised over the keyboard and waited. I may have fallen asleep. I had nothing. Well, I had a lot of things, but my thoughts were so jumbled and wreckless that they would have made sense to not a single soul, not even me. I would have had to decipher my own writing at some point.
I went outside and had a cigarette. Cigarettes taste really good at 4:30 in the morning. There's something just wrong about having a smoke that early, when the entire neighborhood is still snoring. It makes me think of the old days, when 4:30 was the same as 8:00 which was the same as midnight because when you have insomnia, time is irrelevant.
I don't know how I functioned back then, not eating, not sleeping, chain smoking and listening to Stabbing Westward on an endless repeating loop. Maybe I didn't function at all.
I seem to be not functioning today. As I sit here it is still dark out. This time just two weeks ago, daylight was already trickling in the windows. Now, with August almost at a close, the moon stares at me through the slit in the blinds and the shortness of the days makes my chest tight.
I'm frozen in a state of panic and delerium. My mind races with all the things I need to do before Sunday and the ideas and lists spin in my head like sneakers in a dryer, thumping and bumping and distracting me. I stare wild-eyed at the computer and instead of jumping up and starting in on those lists and to-dos, I stare some more. I am frozen. Non-functioning.
Sure, it's only 5:30 in the morning. I have the whole day ahead of me. But time has a way of escaping with a hiss like air leaking out of your car tire and before you know it, all my tires are flat and I'm on the couch, taking a nap because it's useless to even try to move the vehicle that is my mind without being reminded that I'm out of air. I don't even have a spare.
The solution, of course, is going back to bed. Stop staring at the clock and thinking how early it is and how I should have never gotten up at 4:30 and just go. Just crawl under the cool covers and bury my head in the pillow and sleep like normal people do at this hour. Then I will wake up refreshed and confident and ready to conquer all of life's mysteries and to do lists.
I sound like a douche commercial.
I'm going back to bed. I need to go kick Vin Diesel's ass, anyhow. I'll deal with the wedding and birthday stuff later. Maybe.