« the music never stopped | Main | photoshop was calling me »

huh?

huh?

Sometimes I plan the night before what I will write here in the morning. It depends what my pressing issue of the day was. Politics, religion, parenting issues, action figure meetings.

Sometimes I don't know what I'm going to write about and I cruise around the news sites and other blogs until something catches my eye or makes me angry enough to want to spew here.

And sometimes, I just write, in a journal sort of way. I just type the first sentence and the rest flows out and before I know it I've written an unplanned monologue about everything and nothing at all.

Today was one of those days where whatever I had on my mind last night disappeared in between the dreams about Vin Diesel abducting my kids and a courthouse drama where I was maintaining my innoncence in cheating on a driver's test.

An hour ago, I sat in the computer chair, fingers poised over the keyboard and waited. I may have fallen asleep. I had nothing. Well, I had a lot of things, but my thoughts were so jumbled and wreckless that they would have made sense to not a single soul, not even me. I would have had to decipher my own writing at some point.

I went outside and had a cigarette. Cigarettes taste really good at 4:30 in the morning. There's something just wrong about having a smoke that early, when the entire neighborhood is still snoring. It makes me think of the old days, when 4:30 was the same as 8:00 which was the same as midnight because when you have insomnia, time is irrelevant.

I don't know how I functioned back then, not eating, not sleeping, chain smoking and listening to Stabbing Westward on an endless repeating loop. Maybe I didn't function at all.

I seem to be not functioning today. As I sit here it is still dark out. This time just two weeks ago, daylight was already trickling in the windows. Now, with August almost at a close, the moon stares at me through the slit in the blinds and the shortness of the days makes my chest tight.

I'm frozen in a state of panic and delerium. My mind races with all the things I need to do before Sunday and the ideas and lists spin in my head like sneakers in a dryer, thumping and bumping and distracting me. I stare wild-eyed at the computer and instead of jumping up and starting in on those lists and to-dos, I stare some more. I am frozen. Non-functioning.

Sure, it's only 5:30 in the morning. I have the whole day ahead of me. But time has a way of escaping with a hiss like air leaking out of your car tire and before you know it, all my tires are flat and I'm on the couch, taking a nap because it's useless to even try to move the vehicle that is my mind without being reminded that I'm out of air. I don't even have a spare.

The solution, of course, is going back to bed. Stop staring at the clock and thinking how early it is and how I should have never gotten up at 4:30 and just go. Just crawl under the cool covers and bury my head in the pillow and sleep like normal people do at this hour. Then I will wake up refreshed and confident and ready to conquer all of life's mysteries and to do lists.

I sound like a douche commercial.

I'm going back to bed. I need to go kick Vin Diesel's ass, anyhow. I'll deal with the wedding and birthday stuff later. Maybe.

Comments

give him a kick for me too - last week I drempt that he carjacked me and left with my dog (who died in like April) and all my money in the car -that pisses me off.

It always kind of saddens me when it starts getting dark earlier too. I like when it's light until 10, but now 8:30 brings the dark, and well, I don't like it.

"the shortness of the days makes my chest tight"

beautifully stated.

Congratulations and best wishes for the wedding and thereafter. May the honeymoon never end.

Yeah? Maybe its a Friday thing. My entry this morning ran:

Well, well. Let's see. I don't really have anything prepared to tell you this morning. How odd. Usually I have a subject just waiting to be painted in words (I usually use a 9" roller)...a folksy veggie tale, a platitude about country life, slides from our summer vacation... something. Today: nada. [...]

Nothing like telling it straight out. Readers, check out an air freshener label. More substance outside the can than inside the blog today.

Except your nothing is more like something.

Happy big occasion. Really.