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mommy, what's a blowjob?

mommy, what's a blowjob?

Natalie has been mingling with the older kids at basketball camp. I picked her up today and the following conversation took place on the way home:

Mom, the older girls say a lot of curses when they talk.
Mmhhmm.
Well, I don't know what some of them mean.
You don't have to know. Mostly curses are just a way of venting, they don't mean anything at all.
No, not that kind of cursing. I mean, cursing that means stuff.
I'm not following you.
Ok, if you let me say the curses, just this once, then I can explain what I mean.
No.
But...but....you can help me so I don't look like such a dork during lunch tomorrow!
Fine. Just this once.
Ok, so, like, they were talking about this show on tv, and one girl says 'everyone on that show is either gay or a lesbian or bi." I mean, I know what gay and lesbian are, but what's bi?
Ok, first of all, that's not a curse.
I didn't get to the curses yet.
Oh.
So what does it mean?
It means you go both ways. You date either guys or girls.
Ok. Bi. Like in two. I get it. Ok, so. What does it mean when they say that two people are umm....you know.....
No, I don't know. Spell it.
Fucking.
(sound of brakes squealing as the sound of that word coming out of my daughter's mouth makes me almost miss a red a light)
I said spell it!!!
Whatever. What does it mean?
It means they are having sex, but not in a nice, loving sex way.
Ok, so when one of the girls today said "I want to fuck him..."
(I swerve into other lane while I choke on Gatorade)
Do you really need to know this stuff, Natalie?
You said I could talk to you about anything, anytime, Mom. Remember?
Yea, you're right. So when she says that, that means she ummm..wants to have sex with him. But she might not really mean it, what she probably means is she has the hots for him.
Oh. She also said she wants to paddle his buttocks.
(stifle laughter)
Seriously?
Yea and then she said something really weird. She said she wants to blow him.
(stunned silence)
Mom?
Yea?
What does that mean?
What does what mean?
Blow. That she wants to blow him.
I think we need to finish this conversation some other time. Like when I'm not driving in traffic.
But mom! I know what that means, that means we will never get to finish this! I'm starting 7th grade next month! What if I'm in a situation where I need to know this stuff???

I pull off to the shoulder, stop the car, and turn and look her right in the eyes.

Natalie, if you ever, at any point in 7th grade, are in a "situation" where you need to know what blow or fucking means, I swear to every freaking god in the land that you will be in a convent the next day!
What? The nuns are going to teach me what blowing a guy means?

I'm really not any good at this at all.

Comments

Even back in the last century when I was in 7th grade, some girls were fucking and giving blowjobs.

I think that it's great she will ask you about such things, even if it's difficult to deal with. That's much better than her learning from friends that don't know half as much as they think they do.

Oh, and isn't it the priests that know about blowjobs?

You like Gatorade?
:)
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
You've done it again. You crack me the f up.

When I was in 8th grade I heard a rumor at school about a friend of mine giving Brian Smith a blowjob at a party. I asked my mother for a definition a few days later, of course causing her to turn bright red. She did her best to convince me that it was so disgusting I didn't want to know. "Are you sure you really want to know what it means?! Are you sure?" Between her reaction and the way I heard the girls at school whisper about it I was convinced it was so horrible I'd be mentally scarred forever if I did find out.

But now I'm ready - what is a blowjob?

Seriously, it's good that Natalie is coming to you with these questions, and maybe after you've had a day to think about it you can find a way to give her a good honest answer that you are comfortable with. I just ended up feeling like I couldn't ask my parents about sex.

I know parents are meant to make themselves available for their children to talk about sex, but as a child they were the last people I would ever talk about sex to, and when / if I eventually have kids I know I'll hate it.

At least she feels she can talk to you.

oh god michele! i nearly blew pepsi out my nose! i know its hard to have these talks but like everyone else has said, she is coming to YOU. she is not asking her friends who would more than likely teach her how to do this on a cucumber or carrot ( the blowjob i mean, not the fucking). this is a difficult time for us parents. we have to have those talks with them before some one else does. take deep breaths, have a couple glasses ( or a whole bottle ) of wine and just have the talk. you will feel better afterwords. you will have given her what she needs to know and will learn elsewhere if you don't. trust me. my parents didn't say jack shit to me. my best friends mom, got us drunk at 14 and told us EVERYTHING.

I was the kid who didn't know what fucking and blowjobs were until high school and it was MORTIFYING. I wish I could have asked my mother. I wish I could have gotten a few clinical, annoyed "Mom" answers and just known so I didn't continually feel humiliated when the other kids said, "You know what that is, don't you? Well? What is it?"

ROFLMAO!! I am SO glad my kids are grown and have kids of their own. (Except #2 daughter has a 13 yr. old stepdaughter . . . ) Menopause is truly a gift from the Goddess.

I remember in 6th grade sitting around the pool with my friends debating whether or not one of our other friends had given another of our friends a blowjob. The ideas about what a blowjob was were amazing.

And how many of us thought they actually involved some sort of blowing?

Fortunately, I found out this wasn't true before ever having to actually do one.

Thank you! I really needed a good laugh! Your daughter sounds so cute. I can't believe they talk like that in 7th grade.

so cute.

You make me smile even when I know you were freaking out! I can't wait until I have to start answering those kinds of questions - please recognize my sarcasm!!

Have the talk with her. From what I hear, girls are being taught on the playground that blowjobs "don't count" - and that a lot of girls, a lot of young girls, give blowjobs willy-nilly because it's "not really sex".
Have the talk with her so you can teach her otherwise, before it's too late.

I'm really not any good at this at all.

Oh yes you are. I'm in stitches, and your daughter had the nerve to ask you. I'd say you're doing a damn good job.

Oh my...If i could talk to my mother like that, i would be in heaven. Id say you did a very good job, considering when I was in 6th grade i knew what one was, and when i was in 8th grade i was performing them...and yet my mother never knew, lol

heh. welcome to the club.

By seventh grade (back in 1987), both of those terms were definitely in the common parlance...I can only imagine it's worse now. I'd probably be as up front as possible with my child at that age, but then again I was the seventh grader who didn't know what "on the rag" meant and got routinely humilated for it...so I'm probably scarred.

Well that was a good way to start the morning. Damn but that was funny.

Jeez I wish my mother had had this little talk with me. All the other girls made fun of me and made me perform blowjobs on their bananas in exchange for their milk money.

Still I was the only 7th grader with a purple velvet coat and cane.

I think that your daughter has a lot of guts to ask you those questions because I know thatb when I was a little girl , I could never talk to my mother about that stuff....It was just too embarassing.

At least make sure she knows not to ask a nun!

I say kudos to both of you...
It takes alot for a kid to ask thier parents about sex and it take even more for parents to be honest.

I say kudos to both of you...
It takes alot for a kid to ask thier parents about sex and it take even more for parents to be honest.

I second what Bill said -- somewhere along the line (at least about the time we all found out who Monica Lewinsky was, if not even before that) the perception was born that oral sex is not "real sex". With AIDS infection rates going up again, kids need to know this stuff as soon as they begin to be aware of it.

Despite your insecurities about it, every time you share one of these stories with us all, I am impressed with you as a parent.

you are the balls, woman! my mom never told me anything. by the time she got around to it, i already knew everything and had tried most of it.

i'm so getting my tubes tied.

This probably won't help, but I was pissing in guys mouths when I was 8, so I think you're really lucky a) that natalie is waiting, and b) that she came to you for advice/talk.

cleans soda off of her monitor

I always remember the day I asked my parents that all important question..."Mom, what does the word fuck mean?" After I picked myself up off of the back floor of the old stationwagon from Dad slamming on the brakes, I got the full definition of the word from Dad, with the stern warning to "Never, never EVER use that word in public." Mom was somewhat embarrassed. She couldn't even say the word.

Now, Mom uses the word more than me. I have to tell her to knock it off sometimes, when we're driving together. "Mom, hush! The window's down! I don't feel like getting shot at!"

what? never thought she'd take you up on the "talk to me anytime, anywhere" offer?

just kidding.

i read the entry outloud to my officemates. thanks!

Explaining sex to her daughter.]
Chrissy's Mom: All women have a garden, and a garden needs a big hose to water it... or a small hose... as long as it works.

--Now and Then

At least you didn't say that. Your child would be warped for life. Congratulations on handling the situation with tact. (And thanks for the laugh. ;) )

That was the funniest goddam thing I have read in a long long time!

mxv