« not fark, but close | Main | rush to idiocy »

the mind of a bitter man

the mind of a bitter man

Excuse me while I get personal here. I need to rant and this seems like as good a place as any.

Apparently the ex has not been taking the news of my impending nutpials so well. This despite the fact that it's been four years since we've been together (nine years since we last slept in the same room) and despite the fact that he has a girlfriend with two kids that he is rather serious about.

Natalie called him today to see how we would split the driving when she starts basketball camp next week.

Mom said she can pick me up every day if you can drop me off.
I'm not helping your mother. She's on her own.
You wouldn't be helping mom, you would be helping your daugther.
I'm not doing crap for her.
It's for me, dad. I have to get there and back.
You have a stepfather now. Tell him to do it.
But dad....

Click.

Natalie comes out of the room crying. She says "when is he going to learn to start thinking of somebody besides himself? Doesn't he realize he's hurting me instead of you?"

She's figuring it all out now.

I have never bad-mouthed my ex to his children. I always knew someday they would find out on their own what kind of person he is. I didn't want their view of him to come from my biased opinions.

I have tried everything. I am so incredibly civil to him that people often take me to task for it. I accomodate him and do favors for him all in the name of trying to make our kids' lives a bit easier. Most of the time, he wants none of it. He is rude to me, rude to my family and says unecessarily nasty things about my family and friend to the kids. I have given up trying. I don't even know what to do at this point.

Natalie does not want to go to his house this weekend. And who could blame her? I told her it's her choice to make but she has to talk to her father about it and tell him why she doesn't want to come.

I don't think there is anything in this world that could make someone like him see the destructive force of his ways. He is going to end up a lonely old man whose kids only call him on holidays because they feel like they have to. It's a shame, really. He has the potential to be a really good father if only he would stop insisting that the world revolves around his feelings.

I'm more sad than angry. I hate to see the kids hurt time and time again by their father's selfish, immature behavior. I hate the fact that he still cares so much about my personal life and what I do with it. I hate that this roller coaster shows no signs of stopping.

Comments

That's a shame that he can't see how his being an ass is effecting his children. I hope, for everyone's sake, that someday he recognizes what he's doing and changes his ways.

I remember you talking in the past about how some day they would realize just how much, or little, they mean to him. Seems like Natalie's time is here.

kids find out these things on their own when their dads do this kind of stuff to them. i know it hurts to see it happen but now she knows what he is really like and you had nothing to do with it. just be there for her and let her talk when she needs to. i have already been through this with my oldest son whose dad said to him that he was sorry for being such a shitty father but his band was more important than his kids. it hurt him allot but now he knows that it wasn't just me being a mean mommy about his dad. ((michele))

I had a similiar type of experience when my parents divorced, only it was my mom who was lacking and my dad who was compassionate and never spoke ill of my mom no matter what happened.

Now I don't even call her on holidays.

i bet his girlfriend would drive. kill two birds with one stone, so to speak...

that's terrible.
brings back my divorce days.

it's to bad that he's such an ass and doesn't realize he's just hurting the kids and not you. be sure she has someone to talk to, in a professional sort of way. it's really hard on a kid when they realize that they're being "used". :'(

i know i made a lot mistakes in my life as a result of my mom's revenge..........

((to you & kiddies))

brought back memories... my father was an alcoholic, which seemed to increase this type of behavior. only after he became sober did he realize this hurtful behavior cost him relationships with his sons.

it took a long time to get over this, but i managed to develop a much stronger relationship with him. my two brothers never did...

Found your pages quite by accident, but your commentary on "Soul of a Bitter Man" really struck home. I'm currently separated, only 14 months now, but I was struck by the similarities. Our exes sound like they could be related. And I too have bent over backwards to be "the good guy." Although it's difficult for you, it's a relief to me to realize I'm not the only one in the same situation.

See, this is why I am now at peace with the fact that my father was selfish enough to just take off for most of my life. I pined sometimes, mostly because I needed an out from my mom, or wanted someone to sign for a passport so I could run off and be an artist in Amsterdam.

He would drop me a line, very rarely a phone call, and reappeared when I was 17 and again when his father died, and even then I thought "ugh, fathers are for weaker, needier people." But now I am really thankful that he wasn't a big part of my life. He never had anything constructive to offer, just bitterness and jealousy and vitriol and that special stoner brand of selfish whininess. Oh and I hear he was violent, he's certainly still a touch mysoginistic.

I can think of one other major parallel to your story, and I hope it doesn't end up that way, but... yeah... your kids are going to tell you someday how much they appreciate your magnificent mothering in the face of such abyssmal fathering. It might take 10yr, but they're getting it even now, eh?

My own story parallels your own. I have two teenage stepsons, and I have had to watch helplessly as their father (for whom it's ALL about the money) has lived his own life for his own selfish ends, thinking all the while that he is SuperDad. His sons know he is an ass, but they still adore him, which I'm hoping is a good thing.

My heart breaks for them, but the lessons to be learned are theirs and theirs alone. I only wish I could spare them the pain and heartache.

there is such a duality in having the knowledge that no one really wins, but relief that you are the one they turn to...it's not always satisfying to know you were right.
i've found that after nearly 12 years of single parenting that there are times when all you can do is damage control. and kisses. that too.

((((*michele))))

this came in late, because the rollercoaster decided to take a dip again, but it's all good because here i am (almost) reaching the top again.

i don't know what to say but hope this helps..

hugs