A Small Victory

the adventures of Panic-Man and his evil sidekicks

Michele cannot come to the blog right now. I have incapacitated her.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am a villian the likes of which you have never seen before. Forget the Green Goblin and those other comic book poofs. I am the villain you should all fear.

I am Panic-Man.

I have the most amazing super powers you will ever witness. I rely on my minions - err, sidekicks - to help me overpower my victims. In the case of Michele, I called upon one of my most faithful sidekicks, Wedding Panic-Man. Together, we use our patented PanicPower(tm) to create a SwirlOfAnxiety(tm) that overtakes any calm state or complacency the victim may have previously been experiencing. We then use our tractor beams to flood the victim with the four basic panic groups: Fear, Nervousness, Worry and Nausea. And then we sit back and enjoy the show, laughing in our manic villainous ways as hilarity ensues. Well, it's hilarity for us. Probably not for the victim.

The part where we are really, really evil, I mean more evil than those other villians that get much more publicity than me (I'm not bitter, I swear), is the way we lie in wait until the victim thinks they are safe from our clutches.

Didn't Michele seem laid back about the wedding? Apathetic, almost. Sure, it's her second wedding. It's a backyard barbecue, casual and fun. So she had nothing to worry about, right? Mwahahahaha! That's what she thinks!

Boy, was she in for surprise when she woke up yesterday morning and our SwirlOfAnxiety(tm) had surrounded her to the point of absolute mania. We are so bad. So, so bad my minions and I. We waited until she was happy and bubbly and happily awaiting her approaching nuptials. And then - BAM! - in the dead of night we came, Wedding Panic-Man and I, wreacking havoc on Michele's bright-eyed attitude.

I gathered my henchmen and swooped in quickly, before she doubled her dose of Paxil to combat us. (Paxil, in large doses, is like Kryptonite to the Panic Patrol(tm). As is tequila. Maybe I shouldn't have told you that).

Weather Panic-Boy took over first. We put the ideas of rain and humidity and even a rare August cold spell into her head. Then came Fashion Panic-Man, who made sure Michele started having heart palpitations over what she should wear, what her kids should wear, what the groom to be would wear. She worried about the groom's goatee and if it was appropriate or not, and -this is the best part - Fashion Panic-Man used my new invention, the DoILookFatInThis Laser(tm), which switches all the tags on the clothes in a store, so the victim is trying on dresses that are really two sizes too small, but she thinks are her size! How beautiful is that? She thinks she's fat, 24 days before her wedding! Oh, I slay myself.

There's other work to be done. There's Catering Panic-Woman and my favorite sidekick, Financial Panic-Boy. They should strike some time today.

I have to tell you, it''s a lot of fun being a villain. Just sitting back and watching my victim chain smoke and bang her head against the wall repeatedly makes all the hard work worthwile.

They really have not come up with a super-hero yet who can overtake me or my legion of sidekicks. Such a shame, because I would love a good fight. Maybe then I will get my own comic book. But until such a time that Professor X or whoever it is that invents super heroes comes up with someone who can withstand my powers, evilness and genius, I will rule the world.

Poor Michele. Poor, poor Michele. When I last left her she was talking to herself about the nasty color green that her father painted the deck that she is getting married on. Way to go, Inconsequential Panic-Boy!

p.s. michele wants you to know that the she will put up the three finalists from the photoshop contest tonight, so you can vote on them, and that there is still time to send your entries in, and that she has fresh boobs on the boobieblog and you can vote for boobie of the week.

Oh, I am going to hire a new sidekick: Blog Panic-Man!!

posted by: Super Incredible Panic-Man