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I have been sleeping in only fits and starts.

When I do sleep, it's fitful and restless and filled with nightmares. In between those frantic dreams are the moments when I toss and turn or just lay there and stare into the darkness. Sometimes, like today, I just get up for the day at 3am because going back to sleep would only mean going back to the nightmares of lost children, dead bodies, running, running, running.

I'm exhausted.

It's not the good kind of tired where you get all get giddy and goofy and loopy. It's the kind of tired that is wearing me down mentally. I feel sad and angry. I feel like crying. I'm sitting at my desk, listless and bored even though there's a huge pile of work that needed to be done yesterday.

I just want to sleep. I want deep, uninterupted sleep. I want to dream of candy mountains and fields of flowers and fuzzy, frolicking bunnies.

I've received more than my share of email today regarding the below post. If you people were so sure of your beliefs you would post your comments where everyone can see them, right here on the site. Instead, you email me your snide remarks and accusations. You do it every day. Maybe all the emails are from the same person, some rude miscreant who has 8,000 email addresses. Maybe not. Maybe I just irritate everyone in general.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of feeling like I'm speaking to a wall. The same wall I keep running into head first. I'm tired of feeling like every day is a struggle to find something right with the world. And I'm mostly tired of people who refuse to engage in healthy, grown up debate and instead want to rake you over the coals without giving you a word edgewise.

I know it's the lack of sleep talking. I'm not as lethargic as my words make me sound. I'm not as depressed as it appears. Just....just don't bother me if you aren't going to listen to me talk when I'm done listening to you. Don't write me just to tell me that I'm an idiot or ignorant or I should be hung for treason without giving me factual reasons why this is true.

What's the point in speaking out and writing it all down in a public place if it's only going to get you death threats and name calling?

Being so tired physically makes me exhausted in every other way. People are exhausting me. The news is exhausting me. Just thinking about everything is exhausting me.

I feel like I could sleep for eight days straight. If only I could.

Comments

i hate the fits of sleeplessness. I too, hate to go back to sleep when all that awaits me are nightmares. The exhaustion is sadness making and angry making. I feel for you my sister. I will be thinking of you today and sending you happy dancing thoughts.

"I just want to sleep. I want deep, uninterupted sleep. I want to dream of candy mountains and fields of flowers and fuzzy, frolicking bunnies."

HEY, you stole my dream...I thought I was the only one who had frolicking bunnies and candy mountains....errr...time to dream a new dream

it is the night attacks that are the hardest. the ones that make you question and frustrated and upset. the ones that torment you.

hang in there, for morning will come soon and with it, a new day is born. a break. a parting of what was before that develops into an understanding of what had to happen.

i love reading what you write. they are intelligent, witty, sarcastic, brilliant amazing posts. i come in here because i want to. it is a conscious decision. it is a decision i make because i enjoy reading you. screw what others thing for they are not worthy of your precious time nor thoughts, they're bloody decision to come in here, deal with it type of thing you know?

come in because you want to and if you don't like it there's an x for a reason.

and if all else fails to make sense,

big huge giant mofo hugs..

pulls a big wideeeeeeee buck teeth grin

smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

:)

Sorry to hear you're getting fallout on your previous post. I really enjoyed reading it, and it made me THINK, which is what I appreciate in a blog. It's definitely a topic that could push some buttons, but it's unfortunate that some people chose to use you as a sounding board or a scapegoat rather than have a thoughtful discussion, even if both sides can't agree. I get that at my blog too sometimes (although maybe not to the degree you've gotten it) and I know that's the downside of an online forum. It sucks.

Anyway, I think it's my first post here, but just wanted to say "don't stop the music"--I appreciate the thought provocation. Hope your sleep will improve... :)

Gretchen, I was thinking of you when I wrote the post, in regards to your troll problem last week.

It just amazes me how someone can swoop down and harangue you for what you write and do on a personal web page.

I'm all about that little X up in the right hand corner. If you don't like it, click the x and leave.

I have a solution for both Michele and Gretchen...don't post the content of the emails you get, but DO post the names and email addresses of the people too cowardly to post in your comments. If their opinions are so damned important, maybe they'll start posting them instead of trashing you via email. And if they're not, at least you'll have metaphorically turned the light on in the kitchen, sending the roaches scurrying back under the baseboards.

Keep on getting up early and posting! Right after I check my mail I know I'll find a post on your site and maybe one or two others. (But they don't really count as early birds because they are six or seven hours ahead of my time.)

How about forwarding gratuitous porn mail to your chicken critics?

The online world never ceases to amaze me. :)

Seki, I actually don't get too many people e-mailing me personally about the "hot issues"... and if they do, they're people who want to enter into a sane, rational discussion--unlike what it sounds like Michele was getting. I think most of my trolls (let me clarify [lest I offend those people who read a blog a lot yet comment infrequently]: the trolls who decide they have stayed quiet for too long and say something nasty) prefer to try to trash me in the blog, publicly. Heh, whatever. I'm still not great at handling all the nastiness that sometimes occurs, but I try to take a lesson from you. You're the queen of rebuttal!

The posting of IP addresses is always tempting, but I've never gotten up the guts to do that yet...

Michele, isn't it sad that the "X" concept you mention seems to be so hard to comprehend? I don't get it.