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unbalancing act

Unbalancing act

I'm tired.

Physically, I'm fine. My body is raring to go, ready to face the housecleaning and running around of another Saturday.

Emotionally, I'm tired.

This was a bad week for reading news about children. Is there ever a good week? Missing children, dead children, abused children, children beaten about the head and dumped somewhere, children killed over a dollar and stuffed in a closet, children lost by the system meant to protect them.

I take it all to heart, and I cry as I read the stories. Why do I always read this stuff when my own kids aren't home for me to hug? And I know it's not just me. If you have a heart, a good heart, you feel it too. Robyn feels it and Stacy feels it and it gets to you. It tears at you.

I don't understand the balance of nature. I don't understand why genetics has to be so unfair. Why there are people who have children and scar them with words and fists and baseball bats, and on the other end of the spectrum there are good, loving people who cannot have children. People who would love and cherish a child and because of some cosmic glitch may never get to do so.

There are women - no, girls - who give birth and then throw the helpless little infant in a dumpster or a lake, or leave it laying on a public bathroom floor as if it could fend for itself. There are people who have child after child after child and don't make the effort to take care of any of them. They leave them home alone to set fires. They don't feed them. They let them sit around in their own filth or send them out into the streets or dump them on relatives who won't treat them any better.

There are women and men who see children as prizes to be won, appendages to show off when company comes over, but don't spend the time to read to them or play with them or listen to them because they are too busy making enough money to move up one more step on the social ladder and still believe in the "children should be seen and not heard" phrase.

There are parents who can't even tell you the name of their child's teacher or what their son's favorite color is or what their daughter's favorite food is. There are parents who don't come home at night and the kids wake up and the sitter is gone and they are alone, all alone with no one to help them get breakfast. There are children who live in shacks and eat cold corn out of a can for lunch and have never gone to school or made a friend or wore a piece of clothing that wasn't used and dirty. And their parents have more kids after them, never stopping to think that if they can't feed one kid they certainly can't feed two or three or six.

And then there are the men and women who spend years going to doctors and specialists and consulting every expert on the subject but still fail to get their one wish - to have a child of their own. They endure years of painful tests and roller coaster emotions and operations and nights of sad, desperate tears in their efforts to have a baby. I can only imagine how they feel when they see another news story about a child who died at the hands of its own parents.

And there are men and women who want to adopt one of the thousands of unwanted children and are told that they are not the right religion or race or their belief system or sexual orientation is wrong. And that's another child that lingers in the system because someone with a clipboard and a checklist never looked past their prejudices to see the person behind the name, the person that would make a damn good, loving parent.

I know life isn't fair. I know we aren't all handed a tally board when we are born so we can make sure we get what everyone else has. But sometimes the inequities make me cry for those people who should have but don't.

I'm not talking about rich or poor, here. I'm not going on about how some people have money and some don't, and some people are born gorgeous and others don't fare so well. I'm talking about the ability or inability to create another human being, and how the ability to do so does not necessarily mean that you should. It all seems grossly unfair.

Just reason #232 why I am so mentally tired.


I cry every time I read about those kids too. I want to take them all home with me and hug them and protect them and show them that there are good people in the world and that it's not all about hurt. I'm one of the ones with none of my own and it's like a hard punch in the stomach ever time I read the stories.

yeah--some so-called humanity sucks. But plenty adopt the "unadoptables" whose skin color might not match theirs exactly or who need extra care. And plenty foster lovingly. And others, like Linda, care for injured animals they aren't going to keep.

Forced sterilization might sound like a solution, but do we really want a government that can do this legally? We're trapped in the effects of freedom.

And some of us are lucky to get our children from day one when their mother freaks out and wants nothing to do with them. But damn takeing care of a newborn alone does suck.

You forgot about the children and the priests...

Thought that would cheer ya up.

the issue with the kids and human services here in fla is sickening.
there are 1200 kids missing in fla state care.
human services makes it sound like an isolated incident with the latest kid to die, but there are 1200 kids missing. who knows how many of them are dead.
human services needs to be held accountable for these kids.
they took them away from crack addicted or abusive parents to place them in state care and then to either lose them or find them dead is a systemm wide problem, not just one or two bad caseworkers.
being a single mom, i worry that human services may take my kids away for whatever reason. i'm not a bad mom, i just worry that someone may think i'm a bad mom cuz i'm currently unemployed. other single parents probably know the fear i'm talking about. the shit happening with human services makes me freak out. where are these kids? why is gov. jeb bush not doing something about this? why hasn't he assigned his own investigative team to look into human services records? ugh.

This particular entry has touched a rather personal spot in my life at the moment. Both my sister and "sister-in-law" are pregnant. (The sister-in-law is my boyfriend's sister-in-law.) It is their first child, and for my sister, her first try at a first child. But for my sister-in-law, it is her longest pregnancy to date. She has had three miscarriages, and while they are confident that this one will be okay, there is that element of uncertainty. I can only imagine how horrible it must be for her to see all these stories in the news.

i don't know why it hit me so hard but it did. maybe because i am still technically a "child", maybe because i am colored, because i have slanted eyes and yellow skin, maybe because i am adopted, maybe because my parents are of a different color, maybe because i realize i am darn lucky and loved and have been blinded with superficial things, maybe because things have their ups and downs and that while i know time fixes these kinks, that i have been blessed yet i know there are countless just like me..that look like me, act like me but did not have it like me.

thank you for reminding me.


Don't forget what Mary Magdalene says:

Sleep and I shall soothe you, calm you, and anoint you...
Myrrh for your hot forehead, oh.
Then you'll feel
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And it's cool, and the ointment's sweet
For the fire in your head and feet.
Close your eyes, close your eyes
And relax, think of nothing tonight.

Let the world turn without you tonight.

Thank you for this. Even through the tears I feel peace just knowing others care.