when i grow up
When I grow up....
I wanted to be a secret agent. I fantasized about wearing cool clothes and carrying neat gagdets and weapons. I would skulk in alleys and hide in closets and tap phone lines. And then I would jump out at the last minute, just before the bad guys are about to destroy the universe for their own nefarious purposes, and I would yell, "FREEZE YOU BAD GUYS!" and everyone would recoil in fear and horror as they realized they were no match for me.
I wanted to be a member of the SWAT team. I wanted to wear a black turtleneck and black pants and a flak jacket and carry guns that weighed more than me. I wanted to peek around the corner of a building, looking for the criminal that had eluded every law enforcement person before me, and I would sneak up behind him as he crouched behind a bush and I would not arrest him, but blast 40 pounds of ammo into his head and watch the blood and brains spray everywhere. And I wouldn't care that I got his insides all over my SWAT clothes because man, that is like a badge of honor.
I wanted to be a villain. I wanted to live in one of those hidden fortresses of doom where all the latest technology and surveillance equipment let me see what was going on in every corner of the world at any time. And I would point to various places on the globe and say "I want that country for my own!" and my henchmen would go out and use their incredible villainous powers to hypnotize the people of that country to obey me. I would threaten world leaders with bombs of amazing power and I would tie up every superhero who tried to thwart my plans and throw them into a bottomless pit and I would get much enjoyment from hearing the endless echoes of the their pleading screams.
I wanted to be a princess, but not your ordinary ball gown wearing, lovesick, frog kissing princess. I wanted to be a princess in a mystical land that was filled with magic and fairies and evil witches. I wanted to explore every last inch of the creepy dark woods that surrounded my castle and find magic talking trees and elves that lived under mushrooms and miniature knights that came riding on tiny horses out of holes in the ground. And when some brave but dumb knight from a neighboring kingdom entered and won a contest that my father set up to find a husband for me, I would tell that knight thanks, but no thanks for I am a lesbian princess and I wish to marry, or at least kiss, that hot chick from the Kingdom across the Sea.
I wanted to be one of those kids in the books I read as a child. Kids who find magic coins that transport them to incredible places, kids who hid out in libraries walked through magic wardrobes or turned into animals.
I wanted to be one of those grownups who carried guns and saved planets and traveled to exotic lands where there was loads of cash waiting for them. And always a hot date.
I wanted to live in the Twilight Zone and visit the Outer Limits and be the host of show about the horrible things that happen in strange, exotic worlds.
I wanted to live in Riverdale and smack Reggie Mantle in the head and kick Veronica Lodge in the ass and get Jughead into a gay support group.
I wanted to be a Charlie's Angel and a member of the Mod Squad and I wanted to be the 7million dollar woman who could kick the 6million dollar woman's butt all over the place.
Those are all things I wanted to be when I grew up and I suppose I have yet to do that growing up because I still want to do be all of these things.
Last night, the kids were outside playing Manhunt, which is similar to SWAT, and it was all I could do to keep myself from running outside and asking if I could play, too.
Anyone want to come over and play kick the can?