So I've been having these social problems. Mainly, I have no social life because I don't like to socialize. You've heard this all before.
Baz agreed to come out here Saturday night, so we can have a giggly girl's night. My secret makeout girlfriend from work, BonBon, was going to meet up with us and all hell would break loose with the three of us together. Right? Wrong.
Talking to Choire last night, I said to myself "Self, I know it's a girl's night, but what would be the harm in inviting Choire along?" So I asked him. And he said "OHHHH" and imagined that he had that Home Alone face on as he actually said it aloud.
Choire is hosting a party for Ernie and Ming Jung Saturday night. And he was supposed to invite Baz and I. So he did, just then, just as I was thinking about not having to leave Long Island to have a social life.
I stammered. Umm. Hmm. I don't know. I just don't know.
But Choire, the living doll that he is, gave me a quick lesson in how to overcome my fear of meeting a crowd of people all at once. I quote verbatim:
"but it's key to remember this: that you have to pretend whatever party you're going to is for you. they're all waiting for you. they're all just hanging out waiting for your arrival. and you have fascinating things to tell them."
Yea. Yes. I can do that. And then Tracy was talking about Stuart Smalley and I started doing hourly affirmations.
I am fun to be with. Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me. Well, not everybody. But that's their problem. And your problem.
I figured I had to get my mojo going. Bring up the confidence level. I stared into the mirror and tried to build myself up. I tried to list some good things about me.
I don't smell bad.
I don't have an alien growing out of my head.
I don't have a bedwetting problem.
I have nice tits.
I don't walk funny.
I don't talk like The Nanny.
Ok, so the best thing I got going for me is my tits. So: pretend the party is for me; remember that if people don't like you it's their problem; wear something that shows your cleavage. And maybe a push-up bra. Wait, I think there's going to be a lot of gay guys there. But I heard that gay men like boobs. At least Shel does. And I heard that Ming Jung kisses girls. She is gorgeous. I would kiss her. Good thing I'm leaving Justin home.
I can do this. I can hold my breasts up high and flip my hair and have about seven drinks and then get up on the bar and boogie boogie boogie til I just can't boogie no more. And hope that I get home with all my clothes still on.