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bitching and moaning

Bitching and moaning

Yea, I know. Everyone talks about the weather but no one does anything about it. That saying is patently false. Because I am doing something about it. I'm complaining.

As for you people in Florida or Texas or any of those states where the sun is like a giant enemy in the sky, bite me. Just because you suffer the fate of heat and humidity all year long doesn't mean I can't bitch and moan about it when it casts its evil spell upon us Yankees.

Besides, I woke up in the foulest mood possible, after a night of nightmares and restless sleep. I feel like I could possibly kill someone with just the right combination of an evil stare and telepathy. So instead of coming up with something interesting/funny/heartwarming today, I'm just going to bitch about the weather and the stupid things people do in the heat.

This is posted on the weather.com heat advisory today:

The national weather service has issued an excessive heat warning for this afternoon through thursday afternoon... 1. Afternoon readings reaching well into the 90s combined with high humidity will produce heat indices of around 100 to 105 degrees today. This will be the case again on thursday as temperatures rise into the mid 90s. High humidity will result in heat indices reaching 100 to 105 degrees. An excessive heat warning is issued when a heat index of at least 105 degrees for more than 3 hours per day for two consecutive days, or a heat index more than 115 degrees for any period of time is expected. Children, the elderly and people with chronic ailments are usually the first to suffer from the heat. Heat exhaustion, cramps, or in extreme cases heat stroke can result from prolonged exposure to these conditions. Friends, relatives, or neighbors should check on people who may be at risk. Persons in the warning area are advised to follow these safety rules... 1. Stay out of the sun when possible. 2. Avoid strenuous activities, especially during the sun's peak hours. 3. Drink lots of fluids...particularly water...even if you do not feel thirsty. Avoid beverages containing alcohol or caffeine. 4. Try to stay in an air conditioned environment when possible... or participate in activities that will keep you cool, such as going to the movies, shopping at a mall, or swimming at a pool or beach. 5. Never leave your children or pets in the car.

So, #1. Not gonna happen. I have this thing called a job, and I have to drive to this job and seeing as that they have yet to comply with my demands to build an air conditioned tunnel that I only I can use to get to my job and back, I have to venture out into the open air where that nasty sun exists.

#2. Ok, can comply with that one. During the sun's peak hours I will be either sleeping under my desk or in a nice cool jail cell after sporking some rude driver to death. Wait, is sporking someone to death considered streneous activity?

#3. As if. Sure, I'll drink all the water in the world, but I'm going to follow it up with plenty of caffeine. What do you think is going to happen if I wake up in a homicidal mood and then am denied my caffeine? Not gonna be pretty.

#4. This suggestion has been brough to you by the your local merchant's association.

#5. How sad that people have to be told this. Any parent that leaves their child in a car in this heat should be forced to endure the same torture as their kid.

I would like to add my own reccomendations for this weather:

1. Please wear deodorant. Seriously. Don't make me hurt you.
2. Please dress appropriately. I know it's hot out, but that does not give you the right to wear to work a skirt so short I can tell that you were bikini waxed recently. Also, tube tops are forbidden unless you are under the age of ten.
3. Don't touch me. I do not want your sweat smeared all over me. If you brush by me in an elevator or on line in the bank and you are covered with sweat, I swear to the powers that be that I will kill you with my evil gaze if even one drop of your sweat touches me.
4. Please do not announce to a roomful of people that there is sweat dripping down the crack of your ass.

I'm just using the weather as an excuse to bitch, anyhow. I'm too tired and cranky to come up with something interesting today. Sure, I could have just not posted anything at all, but I wanted to waste your time the way I just wasted my own.

I should have stayed in bed, eh?


You can waste my time any time you like. Have a good day, Michele.

Down here in southern Louisiana we get frantic warnings like your heat advisory for cold, as in when the temperature will fall below 32 degrees. Things like wrap exposed pipes, bring in tender plants and pets, etc.

Hey, I grew up in New Jersey and remember the summers where the air did not move. And about the only air-conditioned place was maybe the local movie house. At least the Gulf Coast usually has afternoon thunderstorms at least three days a week!

There's sweat dripping down the crack of my ass now. I just thought you'd want to know.

Thanks, Brian. At least you're not trying to give me a demonstration of the sweat dripping down your ass crack.

Michele, I am sorry to say that sporking someone to death would indeed be considered a strenuous activity. Hence, I regret that though it may seem like a good idea at the time, especially if there is a nice cool jail cell that can be thrown in for extra benefits, under these conditions we cannot allow you to spork anyone to death no matter how offensive and aggravating they may be. Please find another non-strenuous methods of dealing with these people. Thank you, the weather people.

Deodorant doesn't help in those kinds of situations. It dissolves when the temperature goes above 90. Just another way for merchants to screw you.

Should I not mention that the temperature here in Los Angeles hasn't gone over 80 yet and that there's next-to-no humidity?

Re: point #3. Ahhh! Just reading that is horrifying. Back in the days when I had to leave my home to work, I used to commute in to Chicago via train. Getting through the throng of sweaty, smelly commuters in high-summer without being invaded by phantom sweat took a great deal of precision race-walking and bitchery. I considered myself a master in both areas.

As for "I will kill you with my evil gaze if even one drop of your sweat touches me," I simply say this: I think you're my new hero. :)

fucking hillarious. I cant breathe.