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til cancelled tv shows do us part

Til cancelled tv shows do us part

I have about 7 weeks to come up with something to say at my wedding. I'm coming up empty. Sure, I've had plenty to say about Justin right here. I spill my heart and empty my soul right on these pages. But I just don't feel like doing that in front of my family, on a hot August day, in my parent's backyard. Bad enough I have to wear a dress. I certainly don't want to get up there and spill my guts for people (immediate family excluded) who probably don't care that I love Justin so much it makes me cry. They just want the party and the beer and the day to be over so they can get on with their lives.

Yea, a dress. I don't wear dresses. I rarely wear skirts. Give me black pants, black shirt every day and I'm happy. Which is another problem. Can't really wear black to a wedding, can I? Even a barbecue wedding. If it were up to me (and everyone knows that what goes on at weddings is rarely up to the bride, but more likely up to the entire family) I would be wearing this, and Justin would be wearing this, and we would give my family a collective heart attack. Or just make them sigh a lot.

So we have to say something as we stand up there and pledge under oath to love each other forever. My boss, the Judge, is marrying us and I wonder if we have to say "to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth" and if we did, which one of my relatives would stand up and say "YOU CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

Why don't people who write their own vows ever say anything good? I mean, everyone knows you're in love. That's why you're getting married, right? Well except for you, with the green card hanging out of your pocket. Really, everyone knows I love him and he loves me. They tell us how sickly sweet we are together. So what's the point in making them sit there in the hot sun and listen to us coo and purr over one another? Let's have some fun while we're waiting for the beers:

scene: Poolside, under a beautiful white canopy draped with tulle. The Judge is just about complete with the ceremony. (italicized commentary provided by various family members and friends)

Judge: Michele and Justin have written their own vows of love and honor. Michele would you please go first?

I motion to my sister and she brings me a shot of tequila. I down it quickly, cough a little, steady my feet and begin.

Me: Justin, there are many reasons why I love you and why I stand here today, joining you in the legal entanglement of marriage. It's been over three years since we met on the internet...

Internet? She told me she met him at a party!
Oh, I heard she met him through a friend of friend!
Internet? What's the internet?

Me: Remember that first road trip when I drove you back to Pennsylvania? We stopped at that abandoned train station and gave you a blowjob for the first time. (I stop here, teary eyed at the memory. My sister hands me another shot and a tissue).

What did she say?
I think she said he got a job at the train?
No, I think they had S-E-X on the train
A blowjob isn't sex, Aunt Mary!

Me: We have come a long way since that first time together. We have been through so many tough times, so many rough patches. And I forgive you for throwing that glass of orange juice at me..

Justin: And I forgive you for throwing that Kid Rock cd at my head.

Are they still talking about cock?
No, he said ROCK
He's got rocks in his head?
You think?

Me: All those hard times....when they cancelled Invader Zim you held me and told me it would be ok.

Justin: And when I lost the auction on eBay for the live Faith No More cd, you were there, holding my hand and comforting me.

Me: You have brought so much to this relationship - every issue of Sandman, so many action figures....

What the fuck are they talking about?
I don't know but I think his hand is up her dress.

Justin: And our family has grown so fast. When I first moved in we only had 58 channels. The computer had a dial-up modem and no room left on the hard drive. Now we have 179 channels, a cable modem and all the gigabytes one happy couple could ever need.

Did she just grab his ass?
I think the words hard drive turn her on.

Me: You know why I love you so much? Because you're only 22 years old, you can fuck like a wild jackrabbit and you're hung like a porn star. (my sisters both make a dash for the tequila shots. My mother faints. My father hides under the table. My friends cheer).

Yep, his hand is definitely up her dress now.

Judge: Ahem.

Me: Oh yes. Justin, I promise to love you through good times and bad. Even when our favorite shows are cancelled, I will still love you. Even when our favorite bands break up, I will still love you. Even when the cable modem goes out and our favorite websites get hacked and George Lucas ruins another episode of Star Wars, I will love you still.

Justin: And I will love you even through every re-released, re-edited edition of The Matrix. I will love you even when they run out of ideas for Friday the 13th sequels. I will love you through every new genre of punk rock, every unsubstantiated terrorist warning, every Microsoft upgrade security patch.

Oh, just say I DO already, the beer is getting warm!
Yea, I'm starving, get on with it, you freaks!
What the fuck are they talking about? Are they married yet? Can we start on the jello shots?

Judge: I now pronounce you husband and wife. We will take a short break while the bride goes home and blogs.

Dad: Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where's the tylenol?


Can't wear black? What the...? Wear whatever the hell you want, darlin'. It's your damn wedding!

Jim and I wrote our own vows, and we made a concerted effort to be un-goopy. There's no law that says the vows can't be funny. Your wedding should reflect who you and your beloved are, not who your parents or the church or the Bridal Industrial Complex expect you to be. If you're not a poofy-dress-wearing, mushy-vow-reading kind of gal in real life, you don't have to pretend to be one just because it's your wedding. But you knew that!

This sounds like one wedding I might actually enjoy! ;)

Yep, wear what you want. Too many people have their weddings for the benefit of their guests, rather than themselves.
Don't arrange the day to make everyone else happy - the day is about you.

If you want, I can show up in my Still kick your ass, I can t-shirt. And dance naked in the shrubbery to distract everyone while you and Justin are getting it on at the altar.

oh my god, that was the funniest shit ever!! Thank you!!! I think my coffee is coming out of my nose.

lmfaorotff!!! can i come please? i promise i won't shoot cla outta my nose like i just did (unless you want me to) and if i can't come, please say you're taping this?...lol

What a hoot! Those T-shirts are awesome, and definitely should be worn for the ceremony (even if they're UNDER your other clothes).

I agree with the others that your vows are your own business.

Maybe you should get one of those poemgen programs to write your vows. That would be appropriate.

sure, and I can spell my own name too. Jesus!!!!

sure, and I can spell my own name too. Jesus!!!!

Wow. I think that was better than actually being at a wedding.

Wear black if you want. :)

(And have chocolate wedding cake if you want. With black frosting. My brother has been saying for years that's how he wants to go.)

BTW, that was just beautiful and I'm sorry I won't be around to see it live.

I smell a Tony!

Um, hi, we don't know each other, but those vows are beautiful. sniff Really - wear what you want, say what you want; at the end of the day you are still just as married. And will probably be married long after those people who fuss over every last meaningless centerpiece and roll of tulle. I'm just sayin'.

My daughter is planning her July 13 wedding. I have suggested she use yours as a model, although the husband-to-be's ex-mother-in-law is not part of your guest list.

sniff i always cry at weddings - this one sounds just perfect.

Michele, you kill me.

You realize this seals the deal and you ARE being featured as a WM! wedding, right? I've put up with 6 years of Celine Dion, chiffon and taffeta now. I've paid my dues. Please please pretty please with whipped frosting on top? This post was beautiful.

I always comment on the first post of the day that makes me laugh out loud. Thanks for the laugh :)

what the hell?

you don't know me either, but i just had the greatest time at your wedding.. thanks!

Oh, that is GREAT. Have the wedding of your dreams! And if that means wearing black, then WEAR BLACK!! :) It's truly YOUR day, don't ever let anyone tell you different. Thanks for letting me LURK!

Being utterly stressed with wedding plans and battling INS to get my boy into the US (my fiance has his interview to get his visa in, oh, 45 minutes or so), this was exactly what I needed, though the t-shirt of choice for the men in the wedding seems to be the ones printed to look like tuxes. Thank you so much for making me smile :)

Is it possible that you're my less-evil twin???

I could only wish that any of the weddings I went to could be that interresting...

good luck!

Hhhhey, let me marry you instead. I'll hold your hand a fuck you like a rabbit-jack..

...jack-rabbit, i mean.