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here's how to order

Here's how to order

Sometimes I fall asleep with the remote in my hand, my finger still poised above the channel up button. Eventually Justin will wander into the bedroom to question why I am watching Die Hard in Spanish only to find me sitting up, sound asleep, probably drooling on the remote. And, according to him, snoring. How sexy is that picture?

I find myself strangely attracted to movie-of-the-week type shows, the ones where the woman is unfairly accused of a crime and ends up in jail, crying to Meredith Baxter-Birney to help her find justice. Or the ones where the woman is falsely accused of stalking and ends up in court and at the last minute they realize it was Melissa Gilbert all along, but too late, because Melissa Gilbert has disappeared, only to resurface in the 1am showing of a movie about a woman who is unfairly accused of killing her rotten, violent husband, and they find out later it was really Valerie Bertenelli, even though she looks so innocent taking care of those kids she adopted in the last time Lifetime movie.

There are strange things on the television at night, stranger than former cute-as-a-button child stars playing whores in bad movies, stranger than watching Die Hard in Spanish and knowing all the lines anyhow, even though the last time you spoke Spanish it was to tell the busboy at the restaurant you were managing that he had a small dick. Tu pengo es muy muy pequeno, Paco. And that's when he threw the tray at you and quit. The truth hurts, my friend.

I don't watch the informercials because there are only so many times you can watch a man rip the hair from his back. And there are only so many times you can hear Set it and forget it! before you want to jump out of bed and ram your fist through the tv, straight to Ron Popeil's mouth.

But I do watch those odd movies that show up only when the programmers think no one is watching, those bad 70's horror movies or Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns or tv reunion sagas. Every once in a while The Omen II will appear on one of the 190 channels I have and I'll watch it just to see the part where the guy gets it with a pane of glass. And sometimes Class of 1999 will be on and I'll watch it because that is the type of movie you watch only when you think no one will see you enjoying it.

I usually fall asleep long before the Lifetime movie wraps up its ending in a neat little package, with justice served and revenge exacted; long before Clint Eastwood or Bruce Willis get their men or Ron Popeil shows you his fantabulous dinner; long before Nomi Malone does the swimming pool scene....no, no. I did not watch Showgirls the other night. Did. Not.

It's not my fault what happens to my mind late at night, when the cough medicine or the NyQuil or the exhaustion of the day sets in. It's like a whole other part of your brain comes awake during those hours, the part that never surfaces during the day, the part that likes tv dinners and cheap beer and Elizabeth Berkely on her back.

Have you ever fallen asleep masturbating? That's where I was really going with this.


Yes, yes I have.

Yes, yes I have.

Twice, even.


it's posts like this that make me think maybe it'd be okay to have a television, after all, in spite of the world at large.

and, no, thank god, because i use an industrial vaccuum cleaner in a clown suit and that could get real ugly.

I had someone fall asleep while I was fellating them. THAT was an ego boost.

How do you find a clown suit to fit your vacuum cleaner? And where do the big shoes go?

A friend told me that he once caught a woman setting her alarm clock while he was going down on her...

I've never fell asleep masturbating, but I have a friend who has. A couple times. And she told me about how upsetting it was for her.

I have a friend that said she falls asleep often during sex. I think somebody is doing something wrong, or needs to go to bed earlier.

I have to admit I have fallen asleep while masturbating AND while being on the receiving end of fellatio. (No, not at the same time.) Now that might just be more then you ever wanted to know about me...

Hey, where's the post about the gift you received? I know Max showed us quite a package, but I doubt that that was what you were referring to!

Oh, thanks for reminding me!

So you fell asleep with the remote in one hand, and yourself in another? Or was the remote being used very kinkily?

There's a disturbing thought. How many times have you been at someone's house and used their remote control, aompletely unaware of that particular appliance's other uses. Or, what else they were doing while using it. Yikes.

Yes. This is why, when I go to hotels, I place said remote control in a plastic bag. I do not like to think of the multudinous amounts of people who frequent hotels simply to copulate and put their fingers in naughty places, then catch a good porno or the nine-o'clock news on the tube, utterly defiling the remote control. I have many mad methods of avoiding germs. However, I do stop short of spreading out a tarpaulin on friends' couches while visiting them, even though God knows they've had some sloppy sex right where you sit.

what is this thing you call...masturbating?

hell, I watched showgirls on tv here one night... it started at 10:30pm, on public tv, dubbed in french. I miss jessie though.

"I'm so excited... I'm so excited... I'm so... so... scared" (sobs)

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